The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report: 01.20.09

FYI: Seven months until my 25th birthday. Expect to see an Amazon WishList by the beginning of March. In case you want to plan early, possible gift ideas include Son of the Beach Volume 2 (a vastly underrated show), the Girls Next Door Seasons 2-4 (I love Kendra!), and most importantly, a Blu-Ray copy of Bromance. How I wish I was Brody Jenner!

In other news, who here is excited for the Arizona Cardinals/Pittsburgh Steelers matchup at Super Bowl 43? Personally, I was hoping for a Baltimore Ravens win. Not because I have previously lived in Baltimore; rather, the marketing possibilities for a Birds of Prey matchup is endless. Throw in the fact that the Cardinals have recently defeated the Seahawks, Falcons, and Eagles, so I was hoping for the extinction of another race of birds. Then of course if the Cardinals would have defeated the Ravens, I would totally fear for Larry Bird’s life!

And with these random musings out of the way, let’s take a look at this week’s malebag.

SWAYZE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From my longtime buddy and gay bar aficionado, Kegger , “At this point, I would have thought you had found a way to get Khali on top of the horse instead of Swayze. Good effort this week my friend.”

Kegger, I hope you do realize that I have the computer skills of a twelve year old. All of my work is done off of MS Paint. Hate Meehan all you want but he’s the one who has designed my better logos (and he currently has a request for two more in his inbox). Furthermore, the picture of Swayze’s love affair with a horse is pretty fucking hilarious if you ask me. Speaking of the Swayze-master…

From MBD , “With all due respect to Point Break, Roadhouse is probably one of the best movies ever made.”

Roadhouse is a classic but honestly, it’s not my favorite Swayze movie. That would be this one:

Nobody puts baby in the corner!

With Swayze news out of the way, it’s time for more pressing subject matter. From Miss Tiffany NEW YORK Pollard, “Braden Walker aint got NOTHING ON ME! YOU ALL LOVVVVVVVVVVVVE NEW YORK!”

And Larry told me that no celebrities read the Small-For-All! What a liar! Tiffany is correct in stating that I do love New York. In fact, over the holidays, my friends devised a scheme to get me onto the next season of VH1’s Pickup Artist. I figure once I master my smooth moves, I’d move on to the next season of I Love New York before ending up on I Love Money or better yet, Charm School! Hey, we all wish we were D-List celebrities.

Now Cook tried to speak on this news piece in his Saturday news report (oh how the once mighty have fallen), but did not even know who Tiffany Pollard was. Cook should really leave it to the Tyler Durden of 411, moi. Honestly, if the news of New York at Wrestlemania were to come true, I’d be all for it. Not only is that bitch a heat magnet (she would easily be the #1 heel in the WWE), her boobs are already in the Nidia/Jillian Hall range, which is always a WWE requirement. Here’s hoping the WWE loves New York.

While writing the above, I started thinking about a possible WWE vs. VH1 PPV card. Here’s the best I could do:

Shawn Michaels vs. Bret Hart vs. Bret Michaels
Macho Man Randy Savage vs. Hulk Hogan
RVD (one-night only) vs. Whiteboy
Big Daddy V vs. Harvey Walden IV (the Drill Sergeant from Celebrity Fit Club)
Cryme Tyme vs. The Stallionaires (Real and Chance)
R-Truth vs. Flava Flav
Glamerella vs. New York & Tailor Made (if only they were still together)
Mae Young vs. Brigitte Nielsen
Hornswoggle vs. Midget Mac

I’d buy that. Seriously.

Okay enough fooling around; we have news to speak about. Or do we?

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Keep waiting…

Yes, yes…

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In today’s edition, we speak on the rumors of Trish Stratus appearing at Wrestlemania, who wanted Manu out of the Legacy, recent name changes, No Way Out spoilers via WWE Magazine, some TNA news, and most importantly, I review a movie! Who says dreams don’t come true?

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

Stratusfaction Guaranteed

According to the Wrestling Observer, “The idea of a Trish Stratus vs. Michelle McCool match at WrestleMania was discussed at a creative meeting two weeks ago. Many felt a Beth Phoenix vs. Stratus match would be good, but officials felt they’ve done it already with the mixed tag match a few weeks ago. After Stratus’ performance in her match on Raw, the feeling is that she’s still good enough to pull out a decent match with McCool that would be entertaining. There is also hope that the rub from Stratus would help McCool get over. Stratus is also said to be very open to various in-ring appearances and matches but nothing full-time.”

I think we would all be happy with a Trish Stratus match at Wrestlemania. Sure a Stratus/Phoenix match would be the better match in terms of workrate and we would be blessed with a few Stratus/Santino microphone encounters, but I still would be fine with a Stratus/McCool match. McCool’s current heel persona has definitely helped her bland character and a feud with Stratus would get her over. Stratus was able to make Christy Hemme seem like a legitimate threat to her title at Wrestlemania 21 and I’m sure she’d do the same with McCool (who’s already leaps and bounds better than Hemme).

Of course, we must wonder how much of this matchup is due to the Undertaker’s position in the company. In 2001, Sara Undertaker was given a rather large storyline as she was stalked by Diamond Dallas Page. Not only was she involved with a big storyline, she even got to pin DDP to end the feud! Now, Taker’s current squeeze might get her “Dream Match” at Wrestlemania 25. Dating the Undertaker really does have its perks!

Real Bad News

According to PWInsider, “Several pushed for Manu to be kicked out of The Legacy, most notably, Randy Orton. The feeling is that he isn’t in the same league or had the same amount of potential as others in the group, and didn’t really fit in as a result. Many believe the group would be better off with Orton, Cody Rhodes, Ted DiBiase and possibly DH Smith.”

There you have it. When Manu originally debuted with the Legacy at Unforgiven, I was intrigued by him as he seemed to be a better education version of Umaga. Over time, I believe he’s a solid yet mundane wrestler. He has the fundamentals down but he does not do anything that makes you want to watch a Manu match. Compare this to Umaga who has a moveset that looks like it could a sum-bitch. While I am sad to see Manu kicked out of the Legacy, I believe that DH Smith has more upside as their enforcer.

As for Manu, the best thing that could happen to him is a move to Smackdown. There he could team with Umaga as the Samoan Savages, which would be badass. Seeing as the New Hart Foundation is now officially off the drawing board, the Samoan Savages would have the best shot at dethroning the Colons.

No Way Out of Being Spoiled

According to WWE Magazine, the six participants in the No Way Out Smackdown Elimination Chamber are Jeff Hardy, Edge, Triple H, Vladimir Kozlov, the Undertaker, and the Big Show.

While that’s probably not entirely correct unless the WWE Champion will be involved in the match, it would definitely be a step up in drawing power from last year’s Smackdown Elimination Chamber. Also, of note, is that in the same article Triple H is compared to a volcano as “once he erupts, he will bury you.” Someone will be getting fired for that one.

Heal Turn

At recent house shows, Candice Michelle has been testing out a heel persona.

As much as I admire Candice’s desire to learn the craft and become a better wrestler, I’m not sure how much she has left in the tank. When she returned a few months ago, she was nowhere ready for her return. Thankfully, the WWE was smart enough to take her off of television to allow her to get back in ring shape. While I know Candice has the ability to play a heel (that’s what she started as), I just don’t know if she will ever become a major threat again.

Quick N Dirty News

Recent FCW name changes include Kawal (the former Low-Ki) and Ryback (the former Ryan Reeves).

What’s the sound of 400 pounds of shit hitting the fan? Oh wait, that’s KWANG. As for Ryback, it seems as if Vince has gotten around to watching Under Siege!

Rey Mysterio has signed a three year deal with a two-year option.

In other news, the Portland Trailblazers have threatened to sue if Mysterio wrestlers 10 more matches.

The 2009 Hall of Fame has yet to sell out. Since it was brought back in 2004, it has almost instantly sold out.

Good news for JP here as I know he hasn’t purchased tickets to the HOF yet. Sure, it’s upsetting for the WWE that one of their current cash cows is not producing milk as fast, but the bottle will fill up in no time. It’s not like we are in a recession or anything.

At Sunday’s house show, Edge teamed up with Umaga. In order to make the savage feel at home, Edge wore similar face paint, wrote Canada on his chest, and put his hair up “Gene Simmons” stlye.

And this is another reason why Edge rules the world. Of course, the main reason why Edge rules is that he fucked his way to the top!

Linda McMahon is on the Connecticut State Board of Education.

Because of this, public schools will finally be able to teach students that Evolution is a mystery!

RAW is Small

Usual WWE logic states that the man who has the advantage heading into the PPV will not win at the PPV. If that holds true, then Randy Orton will not be winning the Rumble this Sunday. Then again, seeing as this is the WWE, I doubt we should hold them accountable when speaking about logic.

From the commercials, I wonder if Repo Man has a starring role in his own musical? I guess I’ll find out later today when I hit up Best Buy.

I know Kelly Kelly is attracted to losers (Mike Knox, Test, etc), but must she become a Blackhawks fan. There wasn’t a leftover Cubs shirt anywhere?

Mr. McMahon sent George W Bush a Championship belt! I guess he’s coming back as a heel.

For someone who we believe is always being buried, CM Punk wears gold quite a lot. His match with Regal was pretty good and it’s good to see that Punk will have the opportunity of not defending his new championship at Wrestlemania.

Wow, Punk’s been given more TV Time for his IC celebration than his World Title win!

Yes contract signing. Now I should have plenty of time to knock out the majority of this news report!

Eh, I think the show’s lost me. I’m glad that the Hacksaw Jim Duggan storyline was paid off, though.

The Royal Rumble statistics video is always awesome. Watching Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole explain how to order the Royal Rumble is not.

If Jillian Hall was a boy… well, she’s getting there with all the plastic surgery she has had. Her lips look almost as bad as Nikki Cox’s.

Okay, Dolph Ziggler’s reaction to Vince McMahon almost redeems his silly catchphrase.

And with his apology, there goes Chris Jericho’s main event push.

And with Randy Orton’s concussion kick, Orton’s main event push has been made. Now that’s an effective way to end Raw.

Honestly, I wasn’t enjoying this week’s edition until Orton decided to behead the chairman of the WWE. Orton better win this weekend’s Rumble as he’s without a doubt their #1 heel now. Punk winning the IC Title was another highlight of this week’s show.

NEWS FROM O-TOWN

Random TNA News

No big stories this week (as most of the roster is overseas) so let’s get the small stuff out of the way.

From the main sources (the Observer, Torch, PWInsider):

Dixie Carter recently revealed that Christian Cage will be heading back to the WWE.

Here’s hoping the TNA’s target audience (the 40 year old virgins) have already collected their Cage action figure.

There are plans for a TNA Fanfest in the Philadelphia area on April 18th to go along with the Lockdown PPV.

While I missed the Fanfest before last year’s Lockdown, it’s definitely a smart move by TNA. It’s a great way to reward true fans of the product while allowing many other casual fans to become more heavily invested in the product.

The current angle between Mick Foley and Kurt Angle will be building to a future match.

Foley better start getting in shape now! I know Angle will be game for carrying Foley to a good match but the more Foley can bring to the table, the better. The sad thing is this match would have been awesome nine years ago.

Savio Vega has taken over as the agent for the TNA Knockouts Division, while BG James is now an agent for the X Division wrestlers. He started his job as an agent with the X Division title match between Sabin & Shelly, and the six-man main event match at the Genesis PPV. James is said to be a natural for the agent role, and unlike many of Jeff Jarrett’s friend who have jobs in the company, he is seen as someone who is right for the position.

Poor Savio Vega has the tough task of righting the sinking Knockouts Division. With the injury to Kong and a lack of face challengers, it’s going to take some time for the Division to shine once again. As for BG James, he started off on the right foot as the X Division match between Sabin and Shelley was one of the major highlights of Genesis. The six-man main event match was not though. Regardless, it’s good to see James with an agent role seeing as his wrestling days are numbered. Here’s hoping TNA finds something good for Cute Kip backstage: like Knockout costume designer.

Small Goes to the Movies!

Last week, I mentioned my intent on seeing the Wrestler. With the Wrestler still on limited release (though it is expanding), I feel it’s my duty to review the movie for all of my Smallophiles who might live in bumblefuckville (like Slimmer). Unfortunately for me, snow happened on Sunday and I was unable to make it to the local Boston Common movie theatre.

Lucky for you, I found a suitable replacement ON DEMAND. So in the first (and possibly last) edition of Small Goes to the Movies, I review the 2006 misunderstood epic Southland Tales.

Southland Tales is the story of… well, it um… actually, it’s pretty fucking difficult to actually explain what’s going on over the course of the movie’s long run-time (145 minutes). You see, the Rock stars as Boxer Santaros, an actor that winds up in the desert with a severe case of amnesia. Over time, he meets Roland Taverner (Seann William Scott), who has a twin that he is unaware of, in addition to bedding porn star Krystal Now (Sarah Michelle Gellar, the highlight of the movie). Also of note, is Justin Timberlake’s statement that the world will be coming to an end with a bang (not a whimper). In addition to The Rock’s adventure, we meet the entire cast of Saturday Night Live (Jon Lovitz, Cheri Oteri, Amy Poehler, in addition to the main stars who have all hosted SNL), watch Justin Timberlake do a drunk rendition of the Killers’s “All These Things that I’ve Done”, witnessed a man getting his hand chopped off, and most importantly, learn that teen horniness is not a crime. Don’t believe me, what the below video (probably NSFW):

Southland Tales – Teen Horniness Is Not A Crime

Of course, I’m forgetting about 100 other storylines that are woven into this futuristic mess. At the end of the movie, Timberlake’s mention of “that the world ends with a bang” is correct as we learn (SPOILERS) that Sean William Scott is Jesus and Justin Timberlake is John the Baptist. I thought the Rock was going to be God but that did not turn out to be true. Regardless, Stifler is Jesus. If that’s not a scary thought, I’m not sure what is.

As much as I wanted to like this movie, I can’t. While there’s way too much going on in the movie, nothing really makes sense nor do you feel any attachment to any of the characters… well, outside of Krystal Now since that character ruled. Plus, the movie is way too long at 145 minutes. If you like to know more about the movie, I suggest reading this awesome take on it here which explains that the movie is just a take on the Book of Revelation.

Whatever the true interpretation of the movie is, I wouldn’t waste my time watching it. It’s definitely not the Rock’s best work (that would be the Rundown) or even Sean William Scott’s (that would be Mr. Woodcock). Overall, this movie gets one Punjabi Chicken out of five.

And that was a movie review by Heidenreich.

COMING ATTRACTIONS

The only downside to writing a Tuesday news report is that I do not have the chance of previewing the Royal Rumble. Now, the Rumble is normally one of my favorite shows of the year and I’m hoping that this year’s will continue that tradition. Until next week…

For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I’m Jeff Small… and you’re not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!