Truth B Told 1.22.09: 5 Nights In China

Posted by Bayani Domingo on 01.22.2009

No this isn’t the worst sequel in X-Pac porn history, it’s my journey to the “Middle Kingdom” and the opportunities that lie there for the world of wrestling. Besides…who would survive a 2nd night in Chyna?


Until about 12 days ago I had never owned a passport in my life. I had never actually left the country except for a few short trips to Vancouver, Canada and Tijuana, Mexico. I had never flown on a 14 hour flight, or luckily flew 14 hours in Business Class. (BTW, that trip totally ruined me for "Coach" for the rest of my life, I could only imagine what a 14 hour flight is like stuck in a tiny seat that doesn't recline more than 20 degrees, without cushy slippers, or without all you can drink alcoholic beverages wheeled to your seat every 20 minutes or so). I had never visited a country that was at once so foreign and strange, yet seemed oddly familiar as I passed KFC after Pizza Hut after McDonalds. It was truly an experience that changed my life and could possibly be the launching pad for my career. My one regret? I forgot to order enough RoH DVD's to last me the flight. How many damn Adam Sandler movies can one flight offer??

I'm going to tell you 7 truths about China that you might not have known:

1) Driving in China is a cross between Mario Kart and Crazy Taxi, if I didn't have a driver for almost the entire trip I was there, you would have been reading a 411mania New Report sending their condolence to my family and friends, what's every weirder is that I didn't see a single traffic accident there, even with the scooters and pedestrians playing "Frogger" well into the twilight hours.

2) Nothing in the big cities of China is that much cheaper than in the states. Sure you may think that you can get a full meal at a restaurant for only $3, but that's more in the countryside. Then again I spent most of my time around the ***** hotel my company put me in (Score!!) so who knows how the average Chinese person lives.

3) Real Chinese food, like really, real Chinese food, is pretty harsh. If you ever want to have a meal where every part of the Chinese except for the feathers is consumed, then go to China. Real Mandarin cooking consists of a lot of different animals cooked in many different ways that God or Chinese God had never intended. I'm not even sure what Chinese God would be like, but I bet you he'd have a bad ass Fu Man Chu and a long ass pinky nail. There was no kind of "Orange Chicken" there, none of the Chicken salad had mandarin oranges or crispy noodles in it, nothing was "Lettuce wrapped", and I'll be damned if I couldn't find one sign of General Tsao OR his delicious chicken.

4) I am apparently Chinese. According to every single person in China at least. It's funny because I don't look Chinese, no one here thinks I'm Chinese and I'm like 1 foot wider than the average Chinese person. People spoke Mandarin to me, but when I gave them a quizzical look and apologized for not understanding, they just repeated the same thing…slower. Sounds familiar.

5) American restaurants in China are all slightly different than they are in the states. Pizza Hut is considered a nice sit down restaurant where you can take a date, KFC has some bad ass Tarot Egg Tarts, McDonalds has a McShortRib sandwich and the option to replace your French fries with a cup of corn, and Hooters serves Johnny Walker Blue and Filet Mignon. God bless Hooters, but there are some things that are seriously lacking in Chinese Hooters…like Chinese Hooters. Those girls gave it their all though, "A" for effort and "A" for Cup. One girl actually had a little bit of cleavage showing, but lost it when she tripped on the stairs getting a beer…it must have taken her hours figuring out how to do that. Sadly, those girls were only "Kinda Cute", and they were the best looking women I saw all week.

6) Going overseas as a "Buyer" is the SHIT. Going overseas as a "Seller" is SHIT. As long as you are potentially giving a Chinese company money they will make sure you are well taken care of. Well not "Taken care of *wink wink*", although would it hurt to at least OFFER a bag of opium and a concubine or two?

7) Wrestling is almost no where to be found in China. Period. A company of a Bajillion and a half…per square foot….and I didn't see one poster, TV show, magazine, DVD, or action figure in any place that had anything to do with wrestling. Unless you count one odd game show where a guy came out in a wrestling mask and flexed…then left.

No wonder the WWE is planning their first tour of China this year, the place is an untapped gold mine. If my sources are correct then recently this year China became the 3rd biggest economy in the world behind the US and Japan, also two of the biggest markets for wrestling in the world outside of Mexico. The Chinese culture is slowly but surely adopting more and more Western ideals and businesses. China has almost every single American food chain you can imagine already posted at every major shopping area, thanks to Yao Ming the NBA is closely followed in China (although Kobe Bryant is almost as popular as Yao is), adds and commercials feature Anglo models as the personification of beauty, and it seems like there are more businesses bringing in American senior executives every year as a way to make themselves appear more "Western Friendly" to perspective clients and investors. What's even more important is that Chinese television absolutely sucks a Peking Dick.

What little time I got to spend in my hotel room or in the fitness centers were spent being "entertained" by various American news shows, Chinese soap operas, or some Chinese Basketball or Soccer that I really could care less about. Not that Soccer doesn't have it's place in the world of sports, but unfortunately like a lot of Americans I just never learned to appreciate it…or care about it…or understand what the hell I'm supposed to do with my hands then. The only saving grace was that there is plenty of music television in China…actually music videos and not jut a music video station masquerading as a place to see music videos but making you watch endless reality TV. Chinese pop music is so bad that it's good. I still wonder why that girl was crying into a glass jar with a picture of her and her boyfriend who broke up with her…or died…in it and then pedaled it all the way to the ocean…just to pour her tears into the sea…and then pedal back with the empty jar. If she was cuter at least that would have had it going for it…but alas…no. Damn, you disappoint me China…you truly do. Anyways, back to the point…Chinese TV could use some wrestling.

Now the difficulty is getting INTO China, especially if you are a foreign owned company that isn't necessarily ready to set up camp in China. Much like the WWE, doing successful business in China is all about politics. If you aren't in good with the government then you better find a way to do so, and quick. The quickest way of course is to figure out some sort of …"financial arrangement" that would allow you to get the necessary permits and such to run a tour across the country. The NBA manages to get cleared to do yearly exhibition games in China, so clearly there is a way. The arrangement the NBA has with the Chinese government is probably a prime example to follow. The key there is that the NBA has one of China's biggest stars and regularly drafts and signs key CBA players in order to gain worldwide exposure. The WWE or TNA…okay, probably just the WWE, would stand a much better chance of touring and being successful in China if they had a Chinese wrestler. Now the trick is not only where to find such a wrestler, but also how to market and push him.

When the WWE goes to England they have William Regal to trot out to the fans, when they go to Ireland they Finlay, they have Mysterio for Mexico, and even Funaki in Japan, but who do they have to appease the Chinese audience? If they plan on passing off Jimmy Wang Yang as Chinese they would have a better chance of just making Charlie Haas squint and come out to "Chinese Democracy" as his theme song. The trick is to actually get a true ethnic Chinese wrestler to showcase, not renaming a Korean or Japanese wrestler, not repackaging a half Japanese wrestler as "The Dragon" but actually finding a trained wrestler with Chinese blood and trying to make him into a real serious superstar. Of course the "e" has a history of turning Asian wrestlers into comedy mid-carders.

Look at where wrestlers who were serious competitors in Japan or in WCW were turned into when they entered the "e". Jimmy Yang became a "Redneck", Taijri eventually became a comedy act just like Kenzo Suzuki, Sho Funaki, and TAKA Michinoku. I don't think the people of China will be happy to see one of their own turned into a mid-card comedian or lower card jobber. If there is anything I have learned about China it is that "face" and "respect" is a very important aspect of the culture. The Chinese want a national hero to look up to and not just a token background player to acknowledge. Now I have to wonder whether the WWE is willing to push a pure Asian wrestler into the spotlight like that considering that there is a serious xenophobia within the organization as well as their preference for "mass appeal" in their "Superstars"…or is it…"entertainers"?

While I wish I could give you a long list of Chinese wrestlers that would fit this mold, I really couldn't even name one off the top of my head. Unless somehow Brodie Lee is part Chinese…doubtful. Maybe D'Lo? It's amazing to think of all of the "Asian" wrestlers that have come through companies like WCW, WWE, TNA, ECW, etc. and for the most part they have either been of Japanese or Pacific Islander decent. When you look at the Chinese culture and the popularity of martial arts and gymnastics, you would have figured that someone would have come out of that and applied those interests to wrestling. Jack Evans and Matt Cross both did gymnastics as kids, Steve Blackman and Ken Shamrock studied martial arts…as did…Nor-MON Smi-LEY. I'm not sure if this has to do more with the Chinese not wanting to assimilate too quickly into the Westernized interests or entertainment or if there were simply no role models for the Chinese or even Chinese Americans. Who will be the Yao Ming of the Smackdown mid-card??

There are a number of good solid gimmicks that can be given to a Chinese wrestler that don't involve being a dry cleaner (although a finisher called the Martinizer might be swank), a waiter, or an IT guy. My greatest fear is that Vince will hire a guy to play the legendary "Monkey King" and dress him up as an actual monkey. I would rather have them use the nickname they were saving for Kenzo Suzuki and call them the "Last Emperor" or even find a way to respectfully push someone as a Shaolin Monk rather than see a culture bastardized…yet again by a company that isn't able to treat an Asian wrestler as a serious competitor…from their own culture. The opportunity seems ripe for the "e" to come in and run a tour of at least two of the largest cities like Hong Kong, Shanghai, or Beijing and if they expect to be not only successful for the length of their tour, but also for the long run, they had better start thinking of how to ingratiate themselves to the culture, the government, and more importantly the RMB toting television watching public.

The Truth

All jokes aside I enjoyed my time in Shanghai, the people were friendly when you had money, and left you alone when you didn't. The food was different, but I enjoyed a lot of it (much props on the dumplings and drunken chicken)…unfortunately some of it did not enjoy me back. I also appreciate the fact that not every toilet was one of those "Squat and drop" type Asian models and there were some westernized bowls. By the way, how do you use one of those things if you break your leg or you're wearing heals? Point being is that as much as I thought China wanted to accept the West, they were still at odds with holding on to their own culture and ideals. If a wrestling company is to be successful touring there and building an audience, which is totally possible, they have to also respect those ideals and culture. Especially considering that the WWE needs China much more than China needs the "e". Finding at least one central wrestler for the Chinese to rally around and actually care about because of the success they achieve in the ring and not the amount of comedy bits they are in with Santino and Goldust would be the perfect carrot. Heroism and respect are still a huge part of the Chinese culture and trotting out Kung Fu Naki just isn't going to cut it.

Coming Up Short

Too much, too fast for Jack Swagger? Perhaps. I mean, you wouldn't want to give a guy too much too fast and have him turn out like Lesner or Lashley now would you? It's better to give the guy a losing streak and take away all the momentum he had in order to ground him and teach him humility. Wait a sec…oh well, maybe that's just the plan for the Black wrestlers…sorry MVP. I guess this time around pushing an "All-American amature wrestler" up the ladder in short time will end up much different than the last time…or the last time before that. Um….yeah. No chance this isn't going to end up coming up short right? At least not any shorter than Matt Hardy's big push.

6 Degrees of…



Much history been made this week? Well I know someone who is happy to be in the White House now…Michelle Obama. It's about time a strong Black woman with a keen sense of fashion got into the White House and shook things up. In fact, that sort of reminds me of another Strong Black woman with a …um…interesting sense of…"Fashion"…



Rhaka Khan, Rhaka Khan, let me rock you Rhaka Khan…

Okay, maybe not.

Whatchu talkin' bout readers?

We'll find out next week.

Left Overs…

Once again Vince McMahon is ratings Viagra for RAW. Which actually coincides well because just 10 minutes after being interjected into RAW Vince was thoroughly fucked by a greased up young man in spandex briefs. It's a lot like Pat Patterson's last Birthday party, huh?

The rumor that the old ECW Arena would be turned into a health club were finally squashed today. To see an arena that once held the likes of the Dudley Boyz, Balls Mahoney, Blue Meanie, and Amish Roadkill turned into a health club would be like turning a Strip Club into a Church.

Go to TNA's website right now and for $20 you can get 2 Christian Cage t-shirts, a DVD, a an autographed photo, and a two week push in the X-Division.

RoH is considering bringing in more "veterans" into the promotion. Possibly ex-WWE talents. Look for the future pairing of Ron Simmons, Bam Neely, and Rhett Titus to form the unstoppable stable of "Damn, Bam, Thank you Ma'am".

Recently the WWE offered refunds to fans after Jeff Hardy was advertised and then pulled from a House Show. Which most fans used to buy a twenty sack and there by getting the same benefits of the contact high they would have received upon Jeff's entrance into the ring.

It was pretty sad to see a mid-card Chris Jericho taken down a few notches on RAW. Which places him firmly in the main event scene in TNA.

For a picture of the lead suspect in Jeff Hardy's Pyro attack, Click Here.

The Great Booty Debate 2009

Did you miss me? Of course not, but I bet you missed this:

Random Asian Bitch Lookin' Good Pic of the Week



Kana Tsugihara: No matter how you spell it…you…probably can't say it.

Random Latina Bitch Lookin' Good Pic of the Week



Maria: Not overstated, but overdressed.

The "e" is trying to set up a Trish Stratus vs Michelle McCool match at Wrestlemania in order to get McCool a "rub" by working against Trish. They are also looking to book undercard matches involving: John Travolta vs Adrian Zmed, Skeet Ulrich vs Johnny Depp, and Zima vs Beer.

After kicking out both Manu and Sim Snuka it appears Randy Orton and The Legacy are next in line to lend their names to a Gillete product which will be a face wash called: Ethnic Cleanser. "Gillette, taming the savage face land".

This has been a difficult week to say the least as I am woefully behind at work and I seemed to have brought back either a cold or the Asian Bird Flu back with me from Shanghai. You know, I don't remember eating any rare birds, but you never known when it's battered and fried, right? Over the past week and a half I experienced two of the harshest things that China has to offer mankind: Chinese Liquor (112 proof) and C-Pop. It seems like China is so damn over crowded that even their Boy Bands are twice as densely populated as the US versions. Yeah, click on the arrow and try to sleep at night after THIS!!



I still have nightmares.

Till then, the Truth will set you free.

-B