The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report 01.27.09

Posted by Jeff Small on 01.27.2009

Hello Mr. One Night Only, Goodbye One Night Only, Wrestlemania Preview, The Return of Tough Enough?, A Failed Segment, Raw Thoughts, and Not Much More!!!

Another Tuesday, another Small-For-All News Report. I must say I'm surprised with myself going nine weeks in a row. That's two more columns than Slimmer's going to write all year! But more on that next week.

In other news, I decided to check out the local Circuit City in Milford, CT (Home of Subway!) earlier this past week in order to capitalize on their "amazing clearance days." And by "amazing deals", everything is back to their normal price before taking off either 10/20%. Regardless of the fact that the deals aren't that good yet, there's always a decent chance that you can find a hidden gem or two. In the past, I have picked up the Bret Hart DVD set for $15 at a random Strawberries, last year's Royal Rumble for $7 at a closing Blockbuster Video, and the best of all, a slightly used Virtual Boy for $25!!! EPIC RED AND BLACK SEIZURE!

Anyway, I headed over to their "Sports" section and was unfortunately disappointed with their lack of products. Except for 20 copies of Wrestlemania 24 (which I still do not own), there was nothing worth buying. In fact, I feel terribly upset for the store as there was still one copy of 2007's epic PPV "December to Dismember." For the low price of $16 (after the 20% off), you can own a piece of forgotten history. Yup, that one they will have to bury with the store.

SWAYZE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Lots of love for last week's news report. Let's start off with the biggest fellatio of all.

From Polish Post, "The Small For All News Report is, hands down, the best column/report/article on this site. Great job as usual. Now if only we could get The SFA in that "Today on 411Mania Wrestling" spot on the main wrestling page that'd be sweet. I like the Raw report and all, but it doesn't put asses in the computer chairs like Jeff "Biggie" Small does."

Thanks Mr. Polish for the nice words. Honestly, while my ego would love the additional recognition, I'm happy enough with getting relaxed treatment from Mr. CSONKA. Seeing as he's never bitched at me for being late with my news report weekly and that I was his heir to the plum Tuesday spot, I really have nothing to complain about.

In regards to last week's fantasy WWE vs. VH1 card, one commenter easily outdid my offerings. From Byzdalmyt , "Bella Twins VS Brandi C & Meghan

Mickie VS Hoops

Goldust VS the Entertainer

Beth P VS Milf

Cena VS Whiteboy

Hemme VS Lacey"

You sir are full of win. Two changes to your card: first, I'd do Mickie James vs. that crazy stalker chick Brittaney on this season's Rock of Love Bus and I would have the Bella Twins challenge the Ikki Twins. And yes, I know that the Ikki Twins are on MTV but it's all Viacom baby. I wouldn't invite Tila Tequila to the PPV unless there was another Kennel From Hell match.

From SpankyMobster, "However, I am left feeling empty and sad without a Khali for All banner. Khali = Page Views!"

It's been a while since I've had a Khali-For-All but that's only because the Great Khali hasn't done shit since he made out with Mae Young at Armaggedon. Even at the Royal Rumble, he was booked as a joke. As much as I love the Punjabi Playboy character, I can't see Khali getting another serious run again, unfortunately.

Seems like a few people had issues with my stint on last night's Instant Access! One guy said that I killed his buzz (whatever that means) and a couple were pissed that I watched the show illegally. From Ha~! , "Small, I find it hard to take your opinion seriously when you only watched the show on an illegal stream. It just means you didn't care enough to pay, like some of us who did care enough to watch."

I find it hard to take my opinion seriously regardless of the method I used to watch the show. As for the morality of watching the show illegally, sometimes to get to Heaven, you must go to Hell.

And with all those comments out of the way, let's get on with the program.

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Keep waiting…

Yes, yes…

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



In today's edition, we shall take a look at the Royal Rumble's shocking surprise, the latest plans for Wrestlemania, Raw is Small, and my thoughts on TNA's latest PPV main event. All this and more if you just continue on reading.


NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS


One Night Only!

Even with Matt Hardy turning on his brother and Shawn Michaels superkicking both John Cena and John Bradshaw Layfield, the biggest shock of the night clearly was Rob Van Dam's surprise participation in the Royal Rumble. While RVD had no shot of winning the match, he definitely spiced up a slower portion of the contest. Of course, the big question here is whether RVD is returning to the WWE full-time? To answer that question, I'll turn it over to Larry Csonka. "The word backstage last night was that Rob Van Dam's appearance in the Royal Rumble was just a one-shot deal, like his appearance at Raw's 15th Anniversary show. WWE approached RVD about the appearance over a week ago, and he is considered to have an open door with the company, as they would bring him back fulltime if he wanted."

I do not expect Rob Van Dam to ever return to the ring full-time. As he's stated in many interviews, he's happy away from the ring and thankfully has no serious nagging injuries. RVD's never been the type of guy to really care about his spot and I can't see the WWE giving RVD an extended main event push considering what happened the last time he wore gold. In addition, I doubt RVD would be happy with the increased scrutiny in regards to Mary Jane. Speaking of which, how many drug tests did RVD fail last night alone?

On the bright side, the RVD running joke is finally over. I wonder what shall be the next 411 craze. Here's hoping I don't have anything to do with it.

The feud we've all been waiting for: Oscars vs. Slammys

Current Wrestlemania 25 Plans (POSSIBLE SPOILERS, DUH):

World Championship: John Cena © vs. Randy Orton

This match was confirmed at Sunday's Royal Rumble. RoboCena will not be losing his championship belt a month before Wrestlemania and the WWE never truly blew off Orton vs. Cena last year (their No Way Out match from last year ended in a countout). Seeing as how Batista will miss Wrestlemania, this is the biggest match the WWE can do on the Raw side. Plus, who's hotter than Randy Orton at this time?

WWE Championship: Edge © vs. Triple H

Oh come on, you know it's not Wrestlemania without a Triple H Championship match! With Triple H currently feuding with Vickie Guerrero, I can't see this match not happening.

Streak vs. Mr. Wrestlemania: The Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels

A match between these two behemoths was hinted at during a pre-match segment at the Rumble. While JBL/HBK has the better storyline, I can't see the WWE shying away from what could be a classic.

"The Wrestler" Mickey Rourke vs. "WWE Superstar of the Year" Chris Jericho

Considering Rourke called out Chris Jericho before the Screen Actor's Guild Awards on E!, this match is a lock. Rumor has it that Jericho will respond by interrupting next week's Soup. This would easily make him the most hated man on television.

In all seriousness, Jericho is the best representative for the WWE in this match. First, he has the mic skills which immediately puts this celebrity match him ahead of both Bobby Lashley's and the Big Show's. Second, he's one of the WWE's ring generals which will increase the match's quality. Lastly, if he does lose to Rourke, he's one of those guys who wouldn't suffer from the loss. If he could recover from the Lucy the Dog storyline before Wrestlemania 18, he's bulletproof in my eyes.

(By the way, for those that think that Rourke's Oscar chances are ruined with this storyline, the Oscars happen in February. He does not even have to appear in a wrestling ring until March at the earliest.)

Hey, Brother: Matt Hardy vs. Jeff Hardy

The big concern here is keeping the feud fresh until Wrestlemania. I expect Christian to be somehow involved in this match. In hindsight, the WWE did the right thing by not having Christian return last night as his return would easily have been overshadowed by RVD. Oh and if you are afraid that Matt vs. Jeff would produce a stinker ala Vengeance 2001, I think both men are much better singles wrestlers now. It's been eight years people!

Throw in a Money in the Bank match, the rumored Michelle McCool vs. Trish Stratus match, a Legends match and possibly an Intercontinental Championship match (I kid, that will never happen again), and this year's Wrestlemania might be one for the books! As always, I shall keep you updated on any latest changes to the card.

Celebreality!!!

According to Dot Net, "Talks have taken place within WWE regarding a new reality show project. Several ideas have been pitched and the talks have been limited primarily to members of the creative staff. There is a possibility it will be a new twist on the Tough Enough concept. A source described one of the preposed concepts as a "Tough Enough reboot."

As much as I liked Tough Enough, I'd rather not see the show return as there are plenty of future WWE Superstars already in the company. Instead of doing another season of Tough Enough, why not pick eight current FCW Superstars and televise their training? This way, the WWE can immediately gain dividends on superstars that they already have on payroll. This not only weeds out those contestants who are only in it for the cash prize (one of the common downfalls of reality shows) but also allows the WWE to find their future superstars. Hell, you can even have the wrestlers try out different characters/personas through the show and if they work, (voila) they now have a ready-made WWE character (which would have totally helped Gavin Spears, Scotty Goldman, and possibly even Braden Walker). I think this would be just as entertaining as Tough Enough, have a better impact on the future of the business, and save the WWE tons of money! Win, win, win (win) in my book!



Credit once again goes to John Meehan for all these awesome banners.

The 2009 Royal Rumble Winner Randy Orton kicks off the show (pun intended). Orton blames his actions last week on a disorder (IED), one that the WWE knew he had but never helped him treat. I love shoot comments that aren't meant to be shoot comments.

Is this the 5th time that Cryme Tyme has choked in a Tag Team Championship match? Don't expect to see them inducted into the Small-For-All African American Hall of Fame (which starts next week!).

Wait, why is John Cena competing in a qualifying match for his own championship? I understand the logic of JBL wanting to get some revenge on both Cena and HBK, but it's still silly booking.

Jamaican Me Crazy! Kofi Kingston is in the Elimination Chamber! Unbelievable.

While Big Show/Floyd Mayweather had the hotter beginning, I think we have a better storyline here between Chris Jericho and Mickey Rourke.

I can easily watch Shawn Michaels and John Cena wrestle each week. Then again, I'm not the best judge of talent as I watch Bromance weekly.

Possible names for the FU according to Michael Cole: "There it is!" or "That patented move!"

Santino wins line of the year for referring to Michael Cole as Jim Ross.

Kudos to the WWE Editing Department for removing any mention/shot of Chris Benoit in the Wrestlemania 21 Money in the Bank recap package.

If Mike Knox really hates Rey Mysterio, why didn't he try to cost Rey a shot at the Elimination Chamber?

After seeing the "12 Rounds" Trailer, I'd hope future bad guys will stop kidnapping John Cena's wife. It's getting fucking old.

CM Punk vs. Chris Jericho was disappointing especially considering that all their other matches received more time. I guess we need another 10 minute plus main event interview.

Shane O Mac has returned. I'd totally mark out if Orton skullpunts him, too!

Oh wow, Shane O Mac took out the Legacy by himself. Way to make your Wrestlemania challenger look credible. Throw in the fact that Shane throws awful fists of fury and this was a lousy way to end Raw.

I guess Randy Orton vs. Shane McMahon is on tap for No Way Out which at least gives Orton something to do next month. I hate the fact that Orton looked really weak one night after winning a Royal Rumble. Overall, Raw was decent this week. I'd expect things to pick up in a few weeks as we near No Way Out and of course, Wrestlemania.


THIS OR THAT

With TNA still overseas, let's try something different this week.

Bigger Disappointment

The Against All Odds Main Event: Sting vs. Kurt Angle vs. Brother Ray vs. Brother Devon

OR


To Republicans: John McCain's Campaign


Winner: The Dudley Boyz main eventing a PPV in 2009. Okay, the goal of the Frontline/MEM feud is to showcase new faces in TNA. However, the main event features a WCW legend, a future WWE legend (after he apologizes to Vinnie Mac), and two ECW wrestlers that were pushed to the moon during the WWE's hottest period. This reminds me of the Alliance's team at Survivor Series 2001 which consisted of Steve Austin (a WWE superstar), Kurt Angle (the same), Shane McMahon (where's his connection to WCW?), Rob Van Dam (who actually spent more time in the WWF), and Booker T (the only WCW superstar).

Throw in the fact that the fucking Dudley Boyz are main eventing a PPV in 2009. It was kind of funny when ECW did it in 1997 (Taz vs. Bubba Ray). It was sad when the Great American Bash was headlined by the Undertaker vs. the Dudleyz. Now it's pathetic. As much as I like the Dudleyz characters (and to their credit, they have been ON during this storyline), they have no business being in the main event.

Which is More Obvious?

The WWE Renaming their One Night Stand PPV as Extreme Rules

OR


Okay, I have no idea what this relates to, but it's damn funny.

Winner: The Extreme Rules PPV. While One Night Stand was an awful PPV name (it lost all value after the first One Night Stand), I don't think Extreme Rules is a much better name. Considering the WWE has been promoting extreme rules matches at One Night Stand for the last four years, I think someone in their marketing department can devise a better name before June. Oh wait, the WWE laid off their entire marketing department. My bad.

Cooler Poster



OR


Oh I thought I wrote Coolest Poser.


Eh, so this feature probably won't be used again. Blame it on the bellhop. Or a rush a blood to the head. Or even the lack of news immediately after the Royal Rumble. Things will get better next week, I swear.


COMING ATTRACTIONS

As mentioned earlier in the report, next week the Small-For-All African American Hall of Fame reopens for the month of February! Seeing as this was one of my favorite segments to write last year, I'm hoping we have similar success starting next week.

Until then…

Once again, much love for John Meehan for the two new banners.

For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!