The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report: 02.17.09

Posted by Jeff Small on 02.17.2009

Two African American Hall of Famers Are Inducted This Week, The Internet Feud Sweeping the Nation, Matt Hardy’s Awful Nicknames, Why I Hate Universal Studios, Raw Thoughts, Slimmer Watch, and Much More!!!

You'd think with my mini-vacation last week, I'd start preparing this week's super-sized Small-For-All early. Of course, you'd be wrong. By the way, I apologize for failing to mention my absence two weeks ago. Truth is I actually forgot I was going to be on vacation. My bad. Anyway, kudos to Joseph Martinez for filling in for me last week and actually attempting to use the world renown Small-For-All format.

I'm not going to bore you all with details about my vacation last week. But I will like to address one thing that has been on my mind since I left Orlando, Florida – the ass-raping of my childhood. Last Monday, I spent the day at Universal Studios. After a fun four hours at Islands of Adventure, I decided to visit the original park in hopes of riding those really cheesy rides that I loved as a kid. Looking over the Park Map, I was shocked at what I saw. Back to the Future? Revamped as a Simpsons Ride. Jaws? Closed for renovations with no mention of the ride on the Park Map. King Kong? Replaced with a Mummy Indoor Rollercoaster – a fun ride, sure, but it doesn't even last a minute (that's what she said!). Thank God E.T was still around or else I would have thrown a bitch fit.


Just like how I remembered it.

Note #1: I decided to ride E.T instead of attending the TNA tapings last Monday. Even though the show was pretty good, I still believe I made the right decision.

Note #2: I am selling two Wrestlemania tickets. If you have any interest of watching the big show with a drunk Small and sober JP, I best believe you start saving your money. More news next week.

No SWAYZE malebag this week as we have way too much to talk about. Let's start today's news report with what would have been last week's inductee.

CELEBRATING BLACK HISTORY MONTH ONE WEEK AT A TIME…. THE SMALL-FOR-ALL AFRICAN AMERICAN HALL OF FAME!!!

Two weeks ago, we inducted "Sexual Chocolate" Mark Henry. This week, we shall induct one of his stablemates.

While overshadowed by his more popular older brother, Owen Hart has the distinction of being the first Hart inducted into the African American Hall of Fame (and probably the last). Sadly, he is also the first deceased inductee. As the ultimate jobber to the stars, Owen had the ability to make any wrestler look good in addition to keeping himself fresh throughout his long career in the WWE.

One of Owen's first tag teams came with Koko B Ware. Dubbed High Energy, the two men took the WWE by storm. Like many highly successful African Americans, their wrestling attire defined a nation. Their neon colored pants is still a look seen today (by inmates). In addition, Owen showed that he valued a partner of color. Unfortunately, the High Energy tag team did not last very long in the WWE, for reasons unknown.


We're brothers… we're happy and we're singing and we're colored. Give me a high five!

Fast forward to December 1997. His brother Bret Hart was ran out of the WWE. Owen waited in the wings to see Shawn Michaels run amok on WWE Raw. Enter the Black Hart. Owen single handedly took on Shawn Michaels and Triple H which led to a lengthy feud with HHH. After his feud with the H's, Owen turned on that jabroni Ken Shamrock and joined the Nation of Domination. As part of the premier WWE stable, Owen feuded with Shamrock until the stable was disbanded.



After his stint in the Nation of Domination, Owen moved from feud to feud but was ultimately directionless. He opted to reprise his Blue Blazer character which led to his untimely death. Regardless of who's at fault, it was unfortunate to see all the fighting from his family after his death. Martha, his widow, released a book a year later that was very critical on certain members of his family. Like pioneers the Notorious B.I.G and Tupac before him, people tried to use his death for their own personal gain. Unlike those men, Owen Hart is not on an island somewhere still wrestling; rather, he's up in Heaven.

Stay tuned to the end of the news report to see our next induction into the Hall of Fame.

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

I'm back…

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Welcome back to the forever timeless news report known as the Small-For-All! In today's edition, we recap this weekend's shocking PPV, take a look at a feud that is brewing on the internet, and most importantly, induct another member into the Small-For-All African American Hall of Fame. But before we get started with this week's news, allow me to comment on what I missed last week in a segment entitled:

Last Week's News

Chris Jericho hits a girl!

Of course this was immediately overshadowed by a bigger douchebag also named Chris that beat up a girl.

Against All Odds happened.

I was going to watch that, but then, um, I just carried on living my life.

Christian debuted on ECW.

Shocking enough that my buddy Kegger decided to call me to see if I had any "insider" information. Look man, I'm on vacation. I don't care if Khali joins Big Dick Johnson onstage for a pants-off dance-off, I'm not watching wrestling on vacation. Unless it was two silver foxes going at it over an autograph picture of Pat Sajak. That would be hot.

I reserve judgment on Christian's debut until after this week. If the WWE properly builds a Jack Swagger vs. Christian match at Wrestlemania, then I will be happy with his ECW debut. If Christian is put in a feud with the Boogeyman, then he got hosed.

My Valentine's Day sucked.

And to think, I purchased a new pair of red lace panties. I'm such a fool.


NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

The Internet Feud Sweeping the Nation

Sure some people care about last night's PPV results and think that should be the headline news. However, I disagree. I will be talking about Wrestlemania for the next six weeks so God forbid that headline takes a back seat to this breaking story.

I know that true Smallophiles go to bed each night thinking to themselves "What's Happening in the Dirty Diva's life right now?" It's been a while since my last Ashley Massaro update, but I have a good one for you today.

You see our favorite Dirty Diva is experiencing a few setbacks in her life. She recently met with Johnny Ace in regards for a WWE contract which did not happen. If that was not bad enough, some jezebel named Chanerrzz decided to recently pick a fight with the Dirty Diva on her My Space page. Not a smart move honey. Below is the hate-fueled conversation that commenced last week. Reader Discretion is Advised.



I can't possibly think of anything better than Ashley Massaro feuding with a 13 year old "trick" in regards to a stupid My Space message. Well actually I could. But I'm not sure where I could get 15 pounds of red Jello.

Seriously, I miss Ashley Massaro. Can someone please hire her again? TNA? ROH, perhaps?

No Way Out of Reading This

Sunday night we were graced with a shocking edition of No Way Out. In case you need more Small and want to know my view of the show, I'd suggest you read 411's Instant Access. I'll wait…

Now that you've finished with that, let's take a look at the show's ramifications in regards to Wrestlemania.

First off, the road to Wrestlemania has certainly taken a detour. Up until the show, I think the common consensus was on a Orton/Cena and a HHH/Edge double main event. Of course, this changed when Triple H won the first Elimination Chamber and Edge won Raw's EC match. With Edge and HHH as champions, the other two members of the four-man main event scene, will now be challenging for those titles. Yes, I do realize that the main event scene was not shaken up after the two Chamber matches, but I believe that the WWE perhaps will got more mileage out of the new pairings (especially if Steph did call Triple H last week on Raw (this was all written before yesterday's Raw)).

Second, while there were many surprises on Sunday's show, I was a tad bit surprised that none of the other major storylines advanced on the show (with the exception of ending the HBK/JBL feud). Matt Hardy was nowhere to be found (though he did post about Jeff's failure on his WWE Universe blog). Same goes with Christian. Even Jericho gave the same "I hate legends" interview that he's been spewing for a few weeks. While I believe that the show was damn good (and a possible PPV of the Year Candidate), it's surprising that there's so many questions marks heading into Wrestlemania.

Here's my fantasy Wrestlemania 25 card:

Edge © vs. John Cena
Triple H © vs. Randy Orton
Jack Swagger © vs. Christian
The Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels
Chris Jericho vs. a combination of Rey Mysterio, Ric Flair, Mickey Rourke, Doink the Clown, and Kevin Federline
Matt Hardy vs. Jeff Hardy
Money in the Bank featuring MORRISON, Evan Bourne, CM Punk, R-Truth, Shelton Benjamin, and MVP
Beth Phoenix/Michelle McCool vs. Trish Stratus

With a four hour show, there are plenty of matches to be made. In a few weeks, I'll bring back the ever-popular Wrestlemania Bracketology to see what wrestlers are truly on the bubble for the big show.

Paul London is an Outspoken Idiot

As the title states, London decided to shoot on everyone recently to Fast Count Radio. Let's cover the highlights:

He liked Billy Kidman a lot better when he weighed 100 pounds lighter.
Perhaps London is the one who outed Alex Rodriguez last week!

He believes that Vince McMahon had a personal vendetta against him after his "Smile of Doom".
I'm 50/50 on this one. On one hand, I know Vince was pissed due to his goofy smile. However, London was kept around for two more years. You think if Vince really had a vendetta against him, he would have been jobbed out a long time before.

He calls Bourne's shooting star press "lackluster."
Well, I think someone's got an ego.

He tried to get the WWE to change his theme music which never happened.
He really has an ego. Plus, his music was very catchy and fit the Kendrick team well.

When playing word association, he classified Vince McMahon as "darkness" and "not in touch with his audience."
Well, we knew he did not want to return to the WWE. Now, it's apparent. It's not like this guy is Kurt Angle or Hulk Hogan who can bash the WWE all they want and still know Vince will pony up money for their return. Have fun in PWG, Paul.

Matt Hardy Needs Better Nicknames

Seriously, Matt Hardy is the worst at picking out nicknames. Let's take a look at some of his recent names (post Version One):

A) Angelic Diablo – what the fuck does that even mean?
B) Black Cloud – okay, this one's not too bad but who would buy the t-shirt?
C) Cold Blood – even Stone Cold would laugh at this one

How about "Megalomaniac" Matt Hardy? No. What about "808s &" Matt Hardy? No that doesn't work either. Smallophiles, help me out. If you have a better nickname for Matt Hardy, please let me know below. Sure I doubt he reads this, but he did read Asteroid Boy at one time (and that dude sucked).

Biten' Newsbites

Stolen from all your favorite sources:

Survivor Series is up next for an Anthology set.
As much as I like these sets, I just can't see myself being any of them. I picked up a few volumes of the Royal Rumble set, but it's tough finding time to watch 60 hours of wrestling. It's not like wrestling goes on vacation.

My Network TV has canceled all of their original programming except for WWE Smackdown.
If only they could bring back "Homeboys From Outer Space", that show was hilarious.

Lita was backstage at a recent WWE House Show. She said she was open to a WWE return if it did not involve constant travel on the road.
Yes, I know most of you stopped after reading that she was open!

Vickie Guerrero is so good as a cunning bitch. She also learned a submission move from her late husband: the liplock.

And with one fifteen minute segment, we have one Wrestlemania main event locked up. Even though Cena vs. Edge has been done in the past (many times), it is still fresher than a Edge vs. Triple H match.

Woah, 6 Hour Power! But wait, I thought nobody's coming up with 6. I mean, who works out in six minutes?

In regards to the six man tag match, Michael Cole with a snazzy new nickname: CTP. Almost as good as when he coined the term CTC in the summertime. God, he's amazing.

And of course, the horror rule still applies in wrestling. If you are wrestling early in the show and you are of African descent, you do not stand a chance in Hell.

Did You Know: 411Mania broke all previous viewer records in the month of January!

OMG, Roddy Piper is shooting! Someone call a negotiator! Strong promo from both men. I am intrigued as to who they decide to match up against Jericho.

Yes, Jaime Noble is back on Raw. Yes, Jaime Noble is still being squashed on Raw. Remember when this was an actual storyline back in June?

JBL vs. Undertaker? Oh good, that might not happen. But another JBL vs. HBK match. What have we done to deserve this? And since when has Shawn Michaels become a dim-wit? And why so many questions?

Dude, I totally zoned out. Mike Knox is fighting Rey? Actually, that match was not that bad. Dare, I say Mike Knox deserves his spot on Raw. It must be the beard.

Did You Know: I like porno.

Did You Know: Candice Michelle is a fatty. They say the proof is in the pudding and Candice ate all of that.

Kegger caught Steph's Joe Camel in a backstage segment. I missed it due to my responsibilities with the African American Hall of Fame! Damn you AAs!

Now the "Concussion Kick" to Shane wasn't that awesome. The RKO was though. And here's Triple H. By gawd, kayfabe is broken! Oh man, Triple H looks like he's about to explode. Now that's the way to end Raw.

After a shocking No Way Out, it's nice to see both Wrestlemania title matches begin their build on Raw. Both were done in different Raws but I found them both to be effective. It's crazy how the WWE can put out some awful shows for the majority of the year, but once Wrestlemania season hits, the quality picks up substantially. Let's hope ECW and Smackdown can maintain this momentum.




In this semi-recurring segment, we take a look at the last time Scott Slimmer posted a column at 411Mania. For those of you who do not know my history with Slimmer, allow me to recap. Slimmer and I were hired at the same time (unbeknownst to each other) as Heat recappers. I pissed off Slimmer one week which led to him borrowing ECW promos to attack me. Slimmer and I feuded on and off until CSONKA called us both cocksuckers. Then we united and did nothing of note. Now, I just laugh at the fact that I'm super successful and well, I don't remember the last time he wrote something at 411. Hence the reason for this segment.

(By the way, his Instant Access reports do not count since half of it is usually written by me (the good half of course).

Slimmer's Last "Truth Be Told" – January 10th, 2009
37 days ago!!!

At this rate, Slimmer will write 10 columns in 2009! What productivity! Stay tuned for the next SLIMMER WATCH as we will forecast the next time Slimmer writes a column.


NEWS FROM BRO-TOWN

Rapid Fire News

Stolen once again from my favorite people:

Midway is still working on TNA Impact 2.
If only I knew anyone still working at Midway… sucks, I was told that I would be in the audience of this game.

More Knockout signings are expected.
If this is the way TNA wants to freshen up their roster, I'm all far it. Unless of course, they want to hire either the Dirty Diva or this Knockout:



Petey Williams, Lance Rock, and Jimmy Rave were released while Robert Roode resigned with the company.
For those wanting Petey to sign with the WWE, he's going to need to lose 100 pounds first. Sadly, there's a better chance that Hoytmania will be sweeping the E after Wrestlemania.

As for Roode's resigning with the company, good for him. He has a nice run going with James Storm and you'd hate to see him stop all of his momentum to sign a WWE Developmental Deal. Plus, he got to see what happened first hand to Storm's last tag team partner that signed with the E.

And that's about it for this week.


CELEBRATING BLACK HISTORY MONTH ONE WEEK AT A TIME…. THE SMALL-FOR-ALL AFRICAN AMERICAN HALL OF FAME!!!

So far we have inducted two superstars into the African American Hall of Fame. Let's increase that number by 200%.

When Brian Christopher and Scott Taylor debuted as Too Much, I honestly did not see too much in them. Over the course of their first year tagging, their only notable feud revolved around who got Head from Al Snow. Thankfully, after a year of soul searching, Brian and Scott decided to go jive turkey!



Rechristened Too Cool, Scotty 2 Hotty and Grandmasta Sexay brought black culture to the WWE, which was sorely missing at this time. The team was quite revolutionary as win, lose, or draw, the two men danced after every match. All Too Cool needed were Sexay's beer goggles and Hotty's yellow shades and they were ready to show off their moves to the crowd. Hotty would unveil his worm while Sexay did the best running man I've seen since OJ Simpson.



As true black superstars, of course, Too Cool had a posse. In one occasion, legendary midget Joe C accompanied them to the ring when they defeated Edge & Christian for the World Tag Titles. As notable as that was, there was one person who always had Too Cool's back: Rikishi Phatu. Rikishi not only joined Too Cool for their weekly serving of other dance groups but he also added one move that will never be forgotten – the stinkface. Clearly, he was a Mystikal fan.



Of course, things did not end up well for Too Cool after Rikishi turned on him. You see, Rikishi joined a rival gang and had to put Too Cool out of their misery. After Rikishi left Too Cool, the team never fully recovered and went their separate ways. Scotty continued to show off his worm to the WWE fans up until he was arrested for indecent exposure in 2007. Sorry, I meant he was released in 2007.

COMING ATTRACTIONS

Tune in next week when we induct our final member into the African American Hall of Fame. In addition, I will uncover the rules to the "Wrestlemania with Small" contest (no, the tickets aren't free) AND I will address some of your feedback. Until then…

For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!