The Ring of Honor ROHport 04.04.09

Posted by J.D. Dunn on 04.05.2009

You're gonna get your f***in' porpoise kicked in! clapclapclapclap clapclap clapclap clapclap

Ring of Honor
by J.D. Dunn
Twitter.com/jddunn411
Brightkite.com/jddunn411
Facebook

April 4, 2009

From Philadelphia, Pa.

Your hosts are Mike Hogewood and Dave Prazak who deliver the breaking news that Jerry Lynn won the ROH Title last night, which I'm fine with because Lynn has had a resurgent career since returning full time, but it does create a bit of a problem for the TV continuity.

Erick Stevens vs. Sterling James Keenan.
Keenan has traded in his Kevin Thorne look for a more generic meth-lab operator motif. DOWNGRADE! In the prematch promo, Stevens says he wants to make a good impression and then adds "Choo choo." Approximate lifespan of that good impression – two seconds. Stevens shoulderblocks the crap out of him and catches him with the Samoan Drop. Keenan calls time and then suckerpunches Stevens. Stevens is such an idiot sometimes. He's like Sting if he were played by Ben Stiller. SJK gets a nice backbreaker for two and goes to work on the back. A backdrop Suplex gets two, and they chop it out. Keenan explodes with the STO and locks in the goku-raku stretch. Stevens powers out and tosses him overhead. CHOO CHOO! Stevens with the shoulderblock for two, but Keenan gets an Implant DDT. Stevens catches him with a powerslam, and Keenan misses a charge to the corner. Stevens hits the German Suplex and the big-ass lariat. That sets up the Doctorbomb at 6:52. I like Stevens in FIP, but I'd rather see him restricted to tag duty in ROH. Philly is just a different world than Coral Ridge. **

Hogewood's bizarre colloquialism of the week: SLAP THE PORPOISE! IT'S OVER!

Bryan Danielson isn't intimidated by main eventing on TV. He's main evented all over the world. He even main evented ROH's first show.

The Dark City Fight Club vs. Cheech & Cloudy.
Gone are the days of Special K. C&C are just generic laid-back dudes now. Sidebar, I kind of miss Azrael. The DCFC look like total BAMFs here. Total destruction until Cloudy gets a desperation huracanrana and tags out. C&C Jobber Factory hits a nice 619/low dropkick combo, but Davis gets pissed and starts tossing them around. The Dark City Street Cutter finishes Cheech at 2:44. The DCFC didn't just eat them, they ate their souls. 3/4*

And boom goes the porpoise again, according to Hogewood. Can a porpoise jump a shark?

Austin Aries, apparently ready to audition for the role of Prince Barin in the Flash Gordon remake, tells us that he hates the fans, and as the "greatest man who's ever lived," that means something.

Chris Hero (w/Larry Sweeney & Sara Del Rey) vs. Necro Butcher.
Hero is a can't-miss prospect because he stole Kevin Nash's hair and Mike Knox's beard… and possibly Chris Jericho's tights. Hero actually tries to wrestle early, but Necro is made of pure vegetable matter and grain alcohol, so it doesn't faze him. Necro hits a knee and goes for the Tiger Driver. Sweeney distracts the ref, allowing Hero to hit the elbow for two. Hero tosses Necro to the floor, which probably isn't a good idea. Hero rolls the outside mat on top of Necro and sentons him. You might say, "But isn't that protecting Necro?" And the answer would be, "Yes, but Hero is a clueless putz, so it makes sense that he would do things like that." Back in, Hero grabs the cravat and goes back to wrestling. Necro keeps punching his way back into the match, though. Hero gets two off a blockbuster. Necro fights back and hits the chair-assisted slam on the concrete. Told ya. Sweeney keeps him from using the chair again. On the way back in, Sweeney grabs Butcher's foot. That allows Del Rey to sneak the loaded elbow pad in to Hero. Necro goes for the Tiger Driver, but Hero slips out. The Roaring Emerald Elbow puts the porpoise in the basket at 8:20. Eh. Hero has lost a lot of his luster after getting lost in the Sweet 'n' Sour shuffle sometime last year. The wacky Chris Hero was more fun. Necro… is Necro. **

Bryan Danielson vs. Austin Aries.
IT'S THE FINAL PORPOISE! Aries stalls a for a bit before following the Code of Honor. This, btw, may be my favorite in-ring feud of the last five years. Aries wrestles somewhat cleanly in the early going, but he's all spritely and bouncy, so you just know he's aching to go heel. Lots of great counter work and avoiding each other's regular offense. Danielson goes for the armbar a la UFC, and Prazak mentions Danielson training with Xtreme Couture. Hey, anything to get closer to Gina Carano. Aries grabs a nerve pinch, foolishly called a Vulcan nerve pinch by the announcers. Nothing could be farther from the truth. If Danielson had been hit with the Vulcan nerve pinch, he would be physically incapacitated. Perhaps the announcers are drunk on Romulan ale. Ha ha ha. ::snort:: Aries hits the bomb-ass heat-seeking missile. Back in, Aries sets him on top and rakes the back, but then he just lets him back down. The IED misses. Danielson knees him in the gut and hits a series of kicks for two. That sets up a nice Butterfly Suplex into the armbar. Aries makes the ropes. They battle on the top, and Aries knocks him off. Aries rakes Danielson's eyes along the top rope. Danielson knocks Aries into the barricade, and Aries scurries away from a suicida. Danielson simply steps to the apron and hits a flying knee. SUCK ON THAT! Back in, Danielson hits a Stampede Dropkick and the Shining Wizard. That sets up Cattle Mutilation, but Aries rolls through and puts Danielson on his shoulders for two. They slug it out from their knees, and Aries kicks him in the face to block a German Suplex. The IED hits and gets two this time. Aries calls for the Brainbuster, but Danielson knees him in the head. Ouch. Aries tries again, and again Danielson knees him in the head. Kwiddit! Aries finally just hits a gourdbuster and flips over into the Last Chancery. Danielson reverses to the Triangle Choke! Aries pushes him over, but Danielson maintains the hold. Aries has to slap the porpoise at 14:33. Easily, the best ROH TV match so far, and one of the best matches on free TV this year. And to think, this is actually one of their worst matches! Lots of great counters and counters of counters here. Mostly, they play on things you would expect to happen but don't. ***3/4

Next week, Brodie Lee takes on Jerry Lynn before he was champion.

The 411: Hey, if they can do this every week (and they can), I'll be a happy viewer. I'd like to see more features to let us know who is who. Maybe more history packages. Right now, we're just seeing the tip of the iceberg.