411’s WWE WrestleMania XXV Report 04.05.09

Greetings, humanity! Welcome to the WRESTLEMANIA edition of 411’s PPV Report. I’m Chris Lansdell and I am STOKED. It’s MANIA, BABY! Let’s get it on!

PYRO!

They have the Fink doing the ring annoucing! We’re off to an epic win! Nicole She’sahumdinger butchers America the Beautiful and…guess what? IT’S MANIA BABY!

Money in the Bank Ladder Match: CM Punk vs. Kane vs. Mark Henry vs. MVP vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Christian vs. Finlay

Two years in a row huh? My boy Punk jerks that curtain. Boo-urns, Fink only did the opening. Henry has “SHS” on his signet, Sillsby High School maybe? Finlay appears to have robbed the Mad Max prop closet for his ring jacket. I hope the ladders are reinforced or Mark Henry may just die.

We’re underway! Early on we get Henry and Kane are slugging it out in the ring while everyone else is outside. Avalanche by Henry and he poses, only to get taken out with a laddere shot from Christian and Shelton. Another for Kane! They try to get Kofi but he jumps OVER the ladder and takes them both out! BIG boot from Kane to Finlay. Henry and Kane are the first to climb (REINFORCED LADDER!) but a gang bang stops that. We have 5 men on ladders! Kane and Henry put a quick end to that and drop both ladders, then go back to hurting each other. Kane throws Henry out then throws an extra ladder after him. Kane tries to climb but Henry takes the ladder down. He tries to throw the ladder at Finlay’s head, but mercifully Finlay ducks and takes Henry out. TOPE to the outside by Finlay, taking out Kane and Shelton! CHRISTIAN flies! MVP with a somersault senton to the outside into the crowd! Punk and Kofi confer, then both hit topes to the outside! SHELTON IS ON TOP OF THE FUCKING LADDER!!!!! SWANTON BY SHELTON and Jesus H Christ Shelton is dead. He either landed on his head or on Kofi’s leg, neither result is preferable. HENRY IS CLIMBING TO THE TOP! No, dear God no! Finlay saves everyone’s life with a shillelagh shot to Henry, and now Hornswaggle has a ladder! A short one, of course. TADPOLE SPLASH to the outside off the back of Henry! Finlay fetches a ladder and he’s all alone! Kofi tires to come back in, his leg seems OK thank God. Finlay cuts him off and tries to climb, but Kofi jumps THROUGH the ladder with a dropkick, then rams it into Finlay’s head! Kofi charges but Finlay gets the short ladder up into his face. Finlay takes the short ladder to everyone and once again he’s alone. Kofi crawls over and gets kicked off by Kofi. Kofi climbs but Henry just tips the ladder over. Headbutt to Kofi. Henry goes to set up the ladder and KOFI CLIMBS IT WHILE HENRY HOPLDS IT! Beautiful! Henry tips the ladder and Kofi turns it into a splash…CAUGHT by Henry! WORLD”S STRONGEST SLAM TO THE LADDER!!! Kofi dead. MVP uses a ladder as a spear on Henry, and then takes it to Benjamin. A ladder gets wedged horizontally, Benjamin tries a springboard rana off the horizontasl ladder but MVP catches him with a powerbomb! MVP climbs and is taken out by Punk! Punk is close! Christian intercepts but Punk regains control…No way! GTS on the ladder…no! UNPRETTIER off the ladder!!! MVP climbs again…hot damn Benjamin runs up TWO ladders from the floor to take MVP out! Botched sunset bomb off the ladder, but who cares. POWERBOMB by Shelton to MVP, over the top rope and into a crowd on the outside! Christian and Shelton are battling over the ladders now, both men had their hands on it, the ladder tips and Shelton goes to the outside!!! Christian keeps his balance with one foot on the top rope, then rights the ladder! THAT WAS AWESOME. He’s there PUNK!!!! Springboard to the ladder and takes Christian out! No, Christian has Punk dangling like last year!!! KANE saves the day again, now Kane climbs. Punk is up! GOOZLE to Punk! Punk kicks him off, and HE HAS IT!!! YES!!!

Winner: CM Punk

KID KASH IS ON WRESTLEMANIA! Oh, my bad. Kid Rock. This could be the tag title match. I used to be indifferent to Kid Rock, and now I dislike him intensely.

25-Diva “Miss WrestleMania” Battle Royal: Known Participants – Melina, Maryse, Mickie James, Gail Kim, Michelle McCool, Nikki Bella, Brie Bella, Alicia Fox, Kelly Kelly, Maria, Eve Torres, Katie Lea Burchill, Beth Phoenix, Layla El, Rosa Mendes, Candice Michelle, Natalya Neidhart, Jillian Hall, Tiffany, Sunny, Torrie Wilson, Molly Holly, Victoria and Jackie Gayda-Haas

Santino is clearly in the ring in drag. Mae Young and Candace are at ringside. Rosa is first out, and…I have no idea who’s who. They didn’t announce anyone and they’re not calling the match. Neiither am I, they’re just catfighting. Sunny and Torrie are gone, confirmed by JR. VICTORIA eliminated Maria, just to make Sforcina happy. Gail Kim eliminates Jillian and fucks up to eliminate herself too. Beth takes Kelly out after a beautiful handsrping. MOLLY HOLLY is gone too! Beth is dominant, throwing everyone out, and it’s obvious Santino will take her out last. Maryse is gone, last 5 are Mickie, Michelle, Beth, Melina and Santina. Mickie and Michelle are slugging it out on the top rope, they fall off to the outside! Beth takes Melina over to eliminate her, Santino tips them both over, and the bullshittery continues.

Winner: Santina Marella

For the love of God. It’s gyrating.

Chris Jericho vs. Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka, Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat and Rowdy Roddy Piper (w/Ric Flair)

Sign of the night: Y2J vs The Golden Girls. Rourke is nice and close to the ring so he can come and interfere. Jericho is out first, followed by Steamboat, Snuka and Piper. I hope they keep their shirts on. Steamboat looks incredible for his age. Piper charges early and takes Jericho to the floor, then rolls him back in. Jericho reverses a whip, Piper goes over in a sunset flip for 2. DROPKICK by Piper! No, you didn’t read that wrong. Shots in the corner by Piper. Snuka wants Jericho rammed into Snuka’s head, Piper tags him instead. Headbutt by Snuka, series of chops, then a whip and a knife edge. Tag to the Dragon, VINTAGE STEAMBOAT chop from the top! Arm drag! Arm drag! Hold number 4 – ARM BAR. Takedown by Steamboat and then a tag to Snuka for a double team chop. Well, it was a little off, but they old. WALLS out of nowhere on Snuka and he taps! 2 on 1 now and Jericho takes Steamboat out and to the floor. Whip by Piper and a stiff running kick to the gut. VINTAGE PIPER eye poke and sleeper hold! Jeircho escapes and hits a shining wizard for 3! Steamboat is on the top! CROSSBODY!!! 1…2…2.7! Jericho regains control and they exchange chops, a boot from Jericho has him win the exchange. Snap mare and a spine kick from Jericho. Half nelson applied, Steamboat fights out and takes down Jericho with a shoulder block. Jericho reverses a whip and throws Steamboat out…HE SKINS THE CAT!!! NO WAY! Jericho to the outside, CATAPULT CROSSBODY BY STEAMBOAT!!! Where is he getting this!???Top rope chop!!! 1…2…NO! Jericho reverses a whip, Steamboat goes up and over, rollup! 1…2…no! Damn! This guy is nuts! Bulldog by Jericho, LIONSAULT misses! Jericho stays in control with a kick, he charges and POWERSLAM BY DRAGON! 1…2…2.81! Walls applied! Steamboat rolols through into an inside cradle! This is how he won the NWA title!!! 1…2…2.8569!!! German try, Steamboat flips over! CODEBREAKER!!! 1…2…3! Jericho wins!

Winner: Chris Jericho via pinfall (last pinning Steamboat, Codebreaker)

Flair charges the ring! He chops seven shades of Hell out of Jericho! Whip gets reversed and Jericho hits the Codebreaker on Flair! Jericho grins and kicks Flair to the floor, and he has a mic. Jericho calls out Rourke, trying to get him in the ring. He calls him a coward and THAT does it. OK if this happens, I forgive them for bumping the tag match. Rourke is in the ring, the crowd is on edge, you can feel they are expecting Austin or SOMETHING. Rourke offers a few left jabs and Jericho is having second thoughts. They shadow box, Rourke catches him with a stiff left hook and DOWN GOES JERICHO! No Ram Jam? Boo-urns.

Extreme Rules Match: Matt Hardy vs. Jeff Hardy

Oh my GOD Matt Hardy is wearing tights.

BITCHSLAP and we’re underway! To the outside early and Matt gets a poster to the head, followed by a trashcan and then gets taken to the steps. POETRY IN MOTION off the ring steps! Promising start. Matt is rolled back in and Jeff fetches a chair. He sets it up and goes for another Poetry, Matt moves and Jeff hits hard in the corner. Jeff goes for a Whisper in the Wind…DAMN chairshot to the knees!!! Another chair shot! 2 count only. Matt to the outside and he has…a VACUUM CLEANER? Vacuum cleaner shot (never thought I would type that!) from Matt and he gets 2. In the ring, Matt charges into a mule kick but catches Jeff in a Side Effect onto the chair! Matt lays in the boots and shots to Jeff then bends him around the cornerpost. Matt goes looking for more PLUNDAH and he has a table. He sets it up on the outsideand tries to suplex Jeff off the apron on to the table. Jeff blocks and knocks Matt down, then hits a SWANK twisting clothesline off the apron! Matt gets mule kicked into the steps and Jeff has a crutch and a kendo stick. Of course he does. Shots from the stick, then he fetches a garbage can. He places it over Matt’s head then CREAMS him with the crutch. Dropkick by Jeff, face-first suplex and up he goes for the Swanton. Matt moves! Kick wham Twist of Fate! 2 count only for Matt. Matt goes to the top and calls for the Swanton, but Jeff intercepts and stes for a superplex…connects. The crowd are pretty dead between moves. Jeff measures and connects with a chairshot flush to the head. Matt rolls to the outside and Jeff follows to put him on the table. He lays the chair on his chest and goes plunder-hunting…he has another table. He positions this one on the first, over Matt. Jeff to the top…SPLASH THROUGH TWO TABLES!!! Both men are down and quite possibly out. 2 count for Jeff before Matt gets to the rope, and Jeff has a ladder. No, two ladders. He positions the chair and jumps off it with a leg drop, then sets up both giant ladders. One is easily 15 feet, the other maybe 12. Slingshot leg drop MISSES! BAH GAWD KANG HE BROKE HIS ASS RIGHT IN HALF! Matt wraps the chair around Jeff’s neck…TWIST OF FATE!!! HOLY FUCKING FUCKERY OF OUCHTASTIC GOD DAMNS! 1…2…3 forget about it.

Winner: Matt Hardy via pinfall (chair-assisted Twist of Fate)

IC Title Match: JBL © vs. Rey Mysterio

JBL talks his way to the ring. It’s all in the name of cheap heat. JOKER MYSTERIO! Greatest outfit ever. We get super-special ring announcing for this one. Mysterio is sporting green suspenders with his mask. JR estimates JBL’s weight at 250…FAIL. JBL connects with a STIFF kick during instructions, the ref pulls JBL off and asks if Rey wants the match to star…he nods and there’s the bell…ENZIGUIRI! 619!!! Splash! New Champ! WTF??????

Winner: Rey Mysterio via pinfall (splash)

I smell Austin. JBL has the mic and looks speechless. He has something to say, but first he’s going to kill the crowd by standing there looking dumb. “I QUIT!” – JBL. Houston likkes that idea. Good, Smackdown needs an announcer. Well, maybe I didn’t smell Austin.

These video packages are a godsend. Cider number 4 GO!

The Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels

Shawn Michaels has toppped his WM XII entrance, as he descends from the set in his NegaTaker garb to the music he used for thast promo, in an arms-spread pose. I wonder which developmental territory the druids will be from this year. Taker comes up from under the stage Gangrel-style, and we are already drowning in symbolism. Wait, no druids? Shenanigans! We still get a 4+ minute entrance.

Shawn opens up with his speed, ducking some rights and hitting some chops. The third dodge leads to some rights in the corner but Taker blocks the next one and literally throws HBK over the top. HBK tries to play possum and gets the mount, but Taker throws him off. Taker finally catches Shawn and here come the soup bones. Shots in the corner from Taker. Michaels blocks a whip and stars with the chops, Taker whips him to the corner. HBK does the flip bump and gets hit with a HIGH backdrop. Military press slam by Taker followed by an elbow drop for 2. Taker goes to the arm with shoulder blocks, and it’s time to ring the bell…OLD SCHOOL connects. Taker charges and tries a Yakuza kick, Michaels moves and Taker gets tangled in the ropes. Shinbreaker by HBK, followed by a chop block. Basement dropkick by HBK and he locks in the modified figure four. Taker punches his way out but has trouble standing, and HBL compounds the trouble with a dropkick to the knee. Michaels charges but Taker catches him in a bear hug, remembers to sell the knee and rams HBK to the corner. Shots in the corner, whip and a charging clothesline. A second charging clothesline, snake eyes and a big boot from Taker, followed by a leg drop for 2. Taker is setting for the chokeslam…goozle! CROSSFACE BY MICHAELS! Taker turns into it to relieve the pressure then triues to roll Michaels up, he gets 2. HBK maneuvers and gets into the prime crossface position, Taker gets to his feet with HBK still holding on…side slam breaks the grip and gets 2 for Taker. Whip by Taker but he drops his head and gets kicked…no-sold by Taker. HBK ducks some shots and comes back with chops. Flying forearm by HBK! Kip-up! Inverted Atomic, chop, inverted atomic, chop, clothesline by Michaels. HBL goes to the top for the flying elbow…Taker is up! HBK comes off for an axehandle…GOOZLE! HBK escapes, goes for chin music but Taker drops under it! HBK goes back to the legs…HELL’S GATE! He’s got it in good! HBK struggles and writhes and gets to the ropes. Both men on the outside briefly, Taker takes HBK to the steps and rolls him back in. Kick to the head of HBK, then the patented leg drop on the spron MISSES! HBK moved! Someone did their homework. Baseball slide to Taker on the outside. HBK goes to the top backwards…MOONSAULT misses!!! He hit HARD. Taker is back in the ring while the ref checks with HBK. ZOMBIE SIT-UP and Taker is going to fly…..HBK pulls the camerman in the way and OH MY GOD ON HIS HEAD! TAKER LANDED ON HIS HEAD! Watching the replay he may have tucked in time but he went almost full vertical into the floor like a lawn dart. Shawn checks on the ref, who he had previously shoved out of the way, and brings him into the ring, imploring him to count. The crowd is in a shocked silence. The ref is at 9 and Taker is still stumbling around…he gets back in the ring! HBK is tuning the band…Taker is up…Goozle! Chokeslam! 1…2…2.807! Wow. He got some serious height on that. HBL escapes the Tombstone, Taker catches Sweet Chin Music, goozle is blocked…MUSIC CONNECTS!!! 1…2…NO! HBK goes after Taker, Goozle from the floor! Last Ride! HBK escapes! Taker has him again…LAST RIDE connects! 1…2…2.935!!! Taker is…going to the top? HBK looks down and out. ELBOW FROM THE TOP misses and both men are down again. They get up, HBK charges and Taker sidesteps and sends him over…HBK skins the cat! He catches Taker in a headscissors…Taker drags him into Tombstone position! He nails it! What a great counter. 1…2…2.993!!! That’s it, ny heart can’t take any more. Taker’s face looks priceless. Down come the straps, Angle Slam maybe? Taker pulls HBK up and goes for another Tombstone…countered to a sloppy DDT! Ugh. HBK tries to drag himself to the top, elbow drop connects. Both men are worn right out. Strike up the band! FLUSH on the jaw with Sweet Chin Music! 1…2…2.974! Paint me gold and call me Oscar. We have a “This is Awesome chant”, don’t hear those much in WWE. They slug it out with stiff chops and punches, treading blows that would fell mortals men. Boot to the face by Taker ends the exchange! Damn, how would you like to follow this? HBK escapes another Tombstone and lays in more chops. Hard whip by Taker, he charges into another boot by HBK. Michaels tries a moonsault! CAUGHT! TOMBSTONE! THREE!!!!! Wow.

Winner: The Undertaker via pinfall (Tombstone)

World Title Match: Edge © vs. The Big Show vs. John Cena

I wonder what Cena will do this year? OK, his old music hits and about 300 Cena clones come down to line the ramp. The REAL Cena comes out to his correct music and walks sown a line of Cenarmy members doing the “You can’t see me” gesture. OK I guess that was pretty cool.

Cena starts quick on Edge and tries to attack Show with a flying shoulder block. That works about as well as you’d imagine. Show and Edge make like they’re going to collude, then Show dumps Edge crotch first on the top rope. Ow. Show whips Edge into Cena who gets him up for the Attitude Adjustment…and gets Show’s foot in his face. Show is dominating early with body shots on Cena while Edge is on the outside. Cena tries to fight back but gets flapjacked. He charges Cena who sidesteps and show gets caught in the ropes. Cena sends him over, Edge dropkicks the stairs into Show and HOLY MACKEREL Rocker Dropper from the top to the outside on Show! Edge rolls Cena in, Cena goes for the FU out of nowhere but Edge counters into an Impaler for 2. Cena punches Edge to the outside then turns into a side slam by Big Show for 2. Cena makes a comeback but Chavo trips him from outside. Cena is displeased and hits the FU on Cena on the outside. Back in the ring, Show gets caught up in the ropes! Cena takes it to Edge! Blue Thunder Bomb! You are unable to visually perceive me! FU attempt, Edge escapes, Vickie is on the apron and Edge shoves Cena at her. Cena puts on the breaks, Edge charges and SPEARS VICKIE! The ref finally frees Show and he charges both men in opposite corners with an avalanche, then whips Edge into Cena and hits another one. DOUBLE GOOZLE! Edge goes for the ride, Cena escapes! FU TRY by Cena on Show, but Show escapes and NAILS Cena with a big right. Show gets DDT’d on the outside by Edge, who drags the ring steps over to the opposite corner. Edge charges, leaps off the steps and tackles Show through the barricade! Edge tries to drag Show back to the ring but can’t move him. Cena is still out on the floor, Edge rolls him into the ring and goes for the cover…1…2…no! Edge sets for the Spear, Cena gets the drop toehold and the STF! Edge crawls for the rope, Cena breaks the hold and drags Edge back to the middle of the ring. Show is up and drags Edge to the ropes, than hauls Cena to the floor. Show climbs the ropes…NO WAY! OK, it’s a Vader Bomb and it misses. Cena back in, he sets for a suplex and can’t get Show up, but Edge helps and they take Show over. Edge and Cena nod to each other and charge Show, taking him to the outside. Kick to the face by Edge and he gets 2 on Cena. Throwback by Cena and he climbs the ropes. Show shoves him off RIGHT INTO A SPEAR! Nice spot. Edge drags him to center but Show breaks the cover and WAFFLES Edge with a slap. Back inside and a headbutt by Show. Whip to Edge, Show charges into the boots of Edge. Sleeper applied by Edge, Show tries to break it by backin Edge into the corner and just manages to do so…OH MY GOD CENA HAS THEM BOTH UP FOR THE FU!!!! Edge wriggles off, FU connects to Show! FU to Edge onto Show! Cover on Show! New champ!!!

Winner: John Cena via pinfall (on Big Show, FU)

Time for the Hall of Fame dudes. Austin gets a huge pop, despite allegedly needing to be in Brazil. Austin has gone backstage for some reason. GLASS! He has the quad! And the old school Austin 3:16 shirt! We get a good old fashioned beer baash as the announcers make it abundantly clear that this is Austin’s last appearance.

WWE Title Match: HHH © vs. Randy Orton

It is announced that the title will change hands on DQ or count out. It had better not, I say. Orton looks completely focused. HHH does a weird entrance where he uses Sledgie to shatter a mirror. 7 years bad luck! He also misses his water-spitting cue, and somewhere RVD is laughing. It was probably a one-shot deal though. HHH is intense.

They circle, the HHH takes Orton down and lays in the rights. Shots in the corner followed by stomps and more stomps. The ref warns HHH about being disqualified and RKO!!! Orton doesn’t go for the cover! Ah, he wants the punt. HHH dodges…KICK WHAM PEDIGREE! Both men are recovering on the outside until HHH levels Orton with a clothesline. HHH steals a bottle of water and pours it over himself to get back to his senses, then goes back to the ring to pummel Orton. Orton gets outside, HHH follows and takes Orton to the post. Orton tells HHH to wait, and not surprisingly HHH doesn’t listen. More shots, then a slingshot into the bottom rope by HHH. Kneedrops to the back of the head by HHH. So far, so mediocre. Forearm to the back of Orton’s head, and a hangman’s neckbreaker by HHH. Maybe he was serious about breaking Orton’s neck. Orton reverses a whip and sends HHH to the steps. A second whip sends HHH over the barricade and he’s down. Orton rolls back inside and the ref starts the count. HHH is back in at 8 only to be stomped into the mat. Know it’s Orton’s turn for the neck attacks, a high leaping kneedrop to the neck of HHH. Mounted punches by Orton. Orton applies a chinlock but gets taken over by HHH with the back suplex. HHH charges but gets powerslammed for 2. Chinlock again by Orton, just in case the crowd wasn’t dead enough. HHH escapes and gets the high knee, followed by the jawjacker. HHH tries for the Pedigree but Orton reverses it and catapults Orton into the corner, then catches him coming in with a huge clothesline. 2 only. HHH tries the 10-spot punches but Orton gets Snake Eyes and goes up top…into the boot of HHH! Orton blicks the Pedigree and gets the jacknife pin for 2! SPINEBUSTER by HHH! Another Pedigree try is countered and Orton hits the chinlock backbreaker. 1…2…2.804! Orton is stalking again, HHH shoulders him and goes up top…DROPKICK meets HHH on the way down! That was nice, but this is still too slow for me. Orton measures for the punt but HHH catches his foot! HHH throws Orton by his foot over the top to the outside! Exterior beatings ensue. HHH goes to use the monitor on Orton but thinks better of it after persuasion from the ref and just kicks Orton instead. HHH sets Orton up on the announce table and sets for a Pedigree…ORton backdrops him onto the Spanish table! It DOES NOT BREAK!! Orton gets that look in his eye and sets for the elevated DDT on the floor….CONNECTS! That should do it. HHH makes it in at 9.7, only to get stomped even more. Orton stomps him for a good long while then lays a vicious beating on HHH in the corner. HHH fights back briefly until Orton causes a ref bump! RKO!!! This could be over now! Silly Orton. Orton goes under the ring and HE has a sledgehammer. Orton gets in the ring PUNT BY HHH!!! Now Trips has the Hammer, the ref is still down…sledgehammer to the chest of Orton! Mounted punches aplenty, and Orton appears to be out. Pedigree! 1…2…3!

Winner: Triple H via pinfall (Pedigree)