Randy Orton is depressed about losing at WrestleMania, and with that depression comes a psychotic, Max Cady-like attitude. He threatens to visit Linda McMahon or maybe the McMahon grandchildren. Well, okay, but I don't know what you hope to accomplish by getting your ass kicked by five-year-old Declan McMahon. Vince McMahon storms out and tells Randy he's not getting a title shot. In fact, at Backlash, he's going to be in a six-man tag – the Legacy vs. Triple H, Shane McMahon & Vince McMahon! Randy says Vince is always hiding behind his son or his son-in-law, so he wants a singles match tonight! Vince accepts because that's what men do.
WWE Unified Tag Titles, Lumberjack Match: Los Hermanos Colon vs. JOHN MORRISON & The Miz.
MORRISON gets trapped in the Colon corner, and then we take a break. During the break, Primo went for a springboard move and got shoved into the lumberjacks. He flipped back in, though, and sent Morrison to the floor. When we come back to live action, Primo escapes trouble and tags in Carlito. Carlito knees Miz in the head and hits the Apple Pan Betty or whatever his neckbreaker is called now. Miz catches him on top, though, and they battle it out. Both guys fall into the lumberjacks. Now Primo dives out onto the lumberjacks. And then it's MORRISON WITH THE SHOOTING STAR ONTO THE PILE! Back in, Carlito hits the spinebuster on Miz. ONE, TWO, THR-MORRISON breaks it up. Primo ranas Morrison to the floor. Miz gets distracted by this, so Carlito goes for the Backstabber. Miz blocks and rolls him up! ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! Miz tries an Electric Chair, but Carlito slips out and hits the Backstabber at 9:30. No, this had no place on a PPV at all! Give me more of Austin drunk-driving a dune buggy. Fun and exciting, as all of their matches are. Free the tag teams, WWE! **1/2
In the back, Shane McMahon asks Vince what's up, and Vince tells Shane, "I just want him." That explains so much.
10-Diva Tag: Melina, Layla, Kelly Kelly, Mickie James & Jillian Hall vs. Maryse, Natalya, Gail Kim, Eve Torres & Maria.
I LOVE Natalya's new pink and black look. Gail and Melina do something resembling really good wrestling in the way that Snakes on a Train resembles Snakes on a Plane. Melina's handspring elbow is pretty woeful, but the rest is okay. Lawler calls Gail a "newcomer." So her previous stint doesn't exist now? Natalya tags in and locks in the Mexican Surfboard. Mickie tags in and hits the Tornado DDT as the rest of the Divas fight on the floor. The Raw divas pick up the win at 3:57. Most of the women never even tagged in, which is fine by me. *3/4
In the back, Shane and Triple H renew acquaintances, and Shane asks Triple H to talk to Vince.
John Cena, CM Punk, Jeff Hardy, Ricky Steamboat & Rey Mysterio vs. Edge, Big Show, Kane, Jericho & Matt Hardy.
We JIP to Matt booting Rey across the ring and missing a charge. The fans are chanting for Steamboat. Jeff gets the hot tag and ROARS toward Matt. Matt tags in Edge. Matt: Yeah, I'll put my trust in Edge. What could go wrong? Jeff gets some sort of rollup off a clothesline. WTF? Is that the Richard Kimble crucifix or something? Steamboat tags in. BOO YAH! Armdrag. Flying Crossbody. Edge gets the hell out of Dodge and tags in Kane, giving us perhaps the most bizarre old-school-vs.-attitude-era matchup in history. Ricky chops away and dropkicks Kane in the knee. Kane catches him with a sideslam and tags in Big Show. Now, Ricky is SCREWED! He tries to chop his way out of trouble, but Show headbutts him. The fans LOVE Steamboat and cheer him into a comeback. Steamboat fights back against Jericho but gets caught in the Walls of Jericho. Steamboat reverses to the small package and the backflips out of an atomic drop. HOT TAG TO PUNK! Punk cleans house but goes after the heel corner and gets knocked on his ass by Kane. Jericho argues with the ref and lets the world know that he's callin' the match. We come back from a commercial to Punk fighting back against Kane. Show tags in and glares at Edge before stepping on Punk's head. SHHHHH CHOP! Show demonstratively tags Edge. Cole recounts the feud between Show and Edge, which is coincidental because Edge then tags in Kane, who was in the Edge role only five years ago. Jeff gets the hot tag and kicks the everloving crap out of Edge. Matt tags in, precipitating a brouhaha. Matt and Jeff eliminate each other, as do Cena and Big Show. Rey hits the double 619 on Jericho and Edge, setting up the splash on Jericho. Steamboat helpfully takes out Edge with the crossbody, allowing Rey to get the pin at 15:37. Great fun. Ricky wrestled a large portion of the match and looked good again. ***1/4
After the match, everyone let's Ricky have his moment, but Punk and Cena seem to have a few frosty looks between them.
In the back, HHH finds Vince and gives him some advice – "Finnish shit!" Wait, that doesn't even make sense. Might be "finish it."
EXCUSE ME! EXCUUUUUSE ME! Vickie Guerrero is out to announce she is YOUR Raw GM permanently. Blasphemous thought: Vickie is an even better heel than Eddy was. She makes a title match between Cena and Edge and then adds a cackle that says she wears a coat made of Dalmatian fur. She also turns the Backlash six-man into a title match. If HHH's team wins, HHH retains. If Randy Or'uns team wins, Randy Or'un becomes champion.
Well, that was…
Wait, she's back. Oh, btw, the Backlash match between Edge & Cena will be a Last Man Standing match. Good add. Good add.
Santina Marella comes out (to Billy & Chuck's old music). She's so happy, even though her obnoxiously good-looking twin brother is sad because he wasn't allowed in the Diva Battle Royal. Okay, this is pretty humorous, but there is a good ol' boy in the front who thinks this THE FUNNIEST THING HE'S EVER SEEN. Beth Phoenix and Rosa come out to confront her. The greatest thing is that "Santina" stays in character, introducing herself to Beth for the first time. Beth challenges her to a match, and Santina wants a referee.
During the break, Santina gave us a disturbing dance.
Beth Phoenix vs. Santina Marella.
Beth chops Santina in the chest. SHRIEK! Upstairs. Downstairs. Upstairs. Downstairs. SHRIEEEK! Beth tries to spank her, so Santina runs to the floor. Back in, Santina misses an elbow. Beth goes for a slam, but Santina uses the ropes to push her over and get the pin at 1:17. Hey, Santino got it over. Hopefully, they do a skit with him trying to sneak nachos into the stadium. You know, cooperative crossover. 1/4*
Randy Orton vs. Vince McMahon.
Vince slaps Randy in his sledgehammer wound and works him over in the corner. Randy isn't even defending himself as the announcers speculate that he has another concussion. Back in, Randy suddenly hits the stretch backbreaker and drives his knees into Vince's head. Cravat and… RKO! He sets up for another punt, but Shane McMahon runs in and jumps him. Now, Cody Rhodes and Ted Dibiase jump Shane. Triple H runs down, but THE NUMBERS GAME overwhelms him. Here comes BATISTA to make his big return. He cleans house and destroys Cody with the Demonbomb. [N/R]
After the match, Vince says he can't make it to Backlash, so Batista will be taking his place. Randy is apoplectic.
Okay, so here's what they *should* do -- Batista actually winds up scoring the pin in the six-man, thus saving HHH's title for him. CM Punk then starts stirring up shit by noting that Batista probably deserves a title shot and plays them against one another (just like Flair did with Savage & Warrior back in 1992). Punk really is best in that role, and even though he's already won a title and gotten over with the crowds, I don't think they've really even scratched the surface of what he's capable of – especially as a heel.
The 411: Good start to the wrestling new year with some comedy and a big return. We'll see what happens next week with the draft, but there's a lot of good potential for this Summer.
Santina was the funniest bit the WWE has done in ages.
This, of course, means it will be pounded into the ground and will not be funny in two weeks. But dang, last night was awesome. Forget about free the tag teams...free Santino! He's gold Jerry, gold!
Posted By: ODog (Guest) on April 07, 2009 at 12:48 PM
anyone else notice that rey mysterio pinned jericho in the tag match...when edge was the legal man
Posted By: Guest#7722 (Guest) on April 07, 2009 at 01:00 PM
In the back, HHH finds Vince and gives him some advice – "Finnish shit!" Wait, that doesn't even make sense. Might be "finish it."
She makes a title match between Cena and Edge and then adds a cackle that says she wears a coat made of Dalmatian fur.
Seriously Dunn, you're wit is razor sharp. Low brow enough for a good chuckle, pop culture enough to sound smart. Love your recaps.
Posted By: Ric Switzer (Guest) on April 07, 2009 at 01:11 PM
If WWE was smart they'd announce the upcoming "Dragon's Fire: The Ricky Steamboat Story" 3-disc set today.
Posted By: neverAcquiesce (Guest) on April 07, 2009 at 01:12 PM
Once again, I will ask this...Is Cody Rhodes in the doghouse....Seems like Dibiase and Orton always get away and he is left taking the hit!!! It's funny as hell, but throw the guy a bone!!!
Posted By: Frizost (Guest) on April 07, 2009 at 01:16 PM
Not a bad follow up at all. I like your idea about Punk causing shit between them espacially since they seemed to hint at something with the exchange between him and Cena. We'll see where it goes though after the draft next week.
Posted By: Paul (Guest) on April 07, 2009 at 01:23 PM
You know what I find funny. If you take all of the matches from Wrestlemania and Raw, all the segments, promos, everything, other than maybe the Michaels/Taker match, Ricky The Dragon Steamboat had the best crowd reaction by far. That crowd was on FIRE for that match when he was in there. Unbelievable.
Posted By: Brian (Guest) on April 07, 2009 at 01:49 PM
Man, I also like that scenario of what "they should do". Punk DEFINITELY NEEDS TO BE A HEEL when he cashes in. Randy Orton was a failure as a face champion, so was Punk. But as a heel champ he would be AWESOME, and there would be a lot of potential for some fresh fueds (Punk/Cena, Punk/Batista, Punk/Rey, Punk/HHH, Punk/Jeff Hardy).
Posted By: Brian (Guest) on April 07, 2009 at 01:52 PM
"Well, okay, but I don't know what you hope to accomplish by getting your ass kicked by five-year-old Declan McMahon."
Exactly. Well done, WWE....
Posted By: Guest#6882 (Guest) on April 07, 2009 at 02:01 PM
Let My Tag Teams Go!!
They absolutely need to slowly turn Punk heel - if they do it quickly I don't think it will take, but if they slowly, subtly turn him I think the fans would be all over it. I want to see him feud with Rey before Rey's legs totally give out and with HBK before HBK retires. There is just way too many missed opportunities with him face.
This was more of a hold over show until the draft next week.
Posted By: EddieChicago (Guest) on April 07, 2009 at 02:09 PM
I recently saw some Mid-South footage of heel Punk. Look for the "CM Punk invisible mic" clip on YouTube for a great example. Please, 'E. You *have* to pull the trigger on this.
I think they've been slow-burning it for a while now with some of his recent work, letting him build a bit of smugness to his character. (The bit on ECW where they were in the office with Teddy and he bagged on Ricky O and his rally towel is a perfect example.)
Posted By: hg dragon (Guest) on April 07, 2009 at 02:10 PM
Nope. Wrong. Jericho was the legal man. Sharpen them eyes, son.
Posted By: Gusty (Guest) on April 07, 2009 at 02:29 PM
This is why I don't order PPV anymore:
WM = about 100 minutes of wrestling for $55 (yeah, that's right. 100 minutes of action on a show that lasted 240 minutes.)
RAW + ECW + Smackdown! = about 100 minutes of wrestling for $0 and to top it off we got to see Steamboat wrestle anyway on RAW and and AND we got the tag title lumberjack match on RAW instead of on PPV like it was advertised. WHY SHOULD I BUY WRESTLEMANIA? Sure, I missed Shawn/UT ... but so what ... I'll catch the entire event on DVD in a couple months for $5. It's not like the conclusion of the UT match was in any doubt, so why pay big bucks to see it live? What a waste of a Wrestlemania.
Posted By: MDK (Guest) on April 07, 2009 at 02:52 PM
In the back, HHH finds Vince and gives him some advice – "Finnish shit!" Wait, that doesn't even make sense. Might be "finish it."
No, HHH make perfect sense. You listen Vince!
Posted By: Ludvig Borga (Guest) on April 07, 2009 at 03:17 PM
I wonder if Steamboat will come back for a limited run.
Posted By: Michael (Guest) on April 07, 2009 at 03:31 PM
HOLY SHIT!
A RAWTOPSY!
:O
Posted By: RJM (Guest) on April 07, 2009 at 03:36 PM
RICKY FUCKING STEAMBOAT!
RICKY FUCKING STEAMBOAT!
what else can you say?!?!?!?!?!??!
Posted By: bruce (Guest) on April 07, 2009 at 03:40 PM
Steamboat is the greatest pure babyface ever. After a what, 14 year abscence from the ring, the guy comes back for one match, with only one promo to build his involvement, and somehow gets over at Wrestlemania and Raw like its the NWA in 1989. Incredible.
Posted By: ETS (Guest) on April 07, 2009 at 03:54 PM
There was no reason for Vince/Orton to be anything but a squash.
When Orton got his ass handed to him by Shane, that was somewhat justified because they were actually going to have a match. But if they were just going to sub Batista in, Vince should have gotten next to zero offense.
Posted By: Guest#6580 (Guest) on April 07, 2009 at 03:58 PM
"Hopefully, they do a skit with him trying to sneak nachos into the stadium."
Dunn, why don't i see a rawtopsy every week? HUH? You just decide to show up when you want and entertain us and then let us down. Kinda like the Rock did... don't disappear entirely. i'll hate you.
btw, great nacho joke. hilarious!
Posted By: Guest#2367 (Guest) on April 07, 2009 at 04:15 PM
"Give me more of Austin drunk-driving a dune buggy"
Wow, you would rather that be cut off the show than the Diva match or Kid Rock?
Austin may have gone on a little long but he's more deserving of time than Kid Rock or all that Mickey Rourke bullshit.
Glad to see you back doing TV shows again though J.D.
Posted By: Bubba (Guest) on April 07, 2009 at 05:16 PM
Triple H, Vince, and Shane collectively defended the world title NINE YEARS AGO. And we've had a lot of laughs and a lot of love along the way.
Posted By: tred (Guest) on April 07, 2009 at 05:49 PM
You guys notice the consummate good guy, Ricky Steamboat made a point to check on each and everyone of his tag team partners. Gotta love the little things, just like when he had the promo with Jericho, he ushered Micheal Cole to safety before facing Jericho...
Steamboat = Top Babyface
Posted By: Jason Bay-niac (Guest) on April 07, 2009 at 06:06 PM
@J.D.
just curious: is there any chance for a No Way Out 2009 breakdown?
Posted By: guy incognito (Guest) on April 07, 2009 at 06:17 PM
In any other promotion, a heel CM Punk makes perfect sense. Unfortunately this is the WWE, the land of the roided-up giants, so there's no way that Vince will pull the trigger. Even if he does, there's no way he'll get the nod over Cena or Batista.
Posted By: Ryder (Guest) on April 07, 2009 at 06:44 PM
No joke about turning CM Punk heel. They're throwing away gold if they never turn CM Punk heel.
Posted By: the dude (Guest) on April 07, 2009 at 06:48 PM
"@J.D.
just curious: is there any chance for a No Way Out 2009 breakdown? "
If they send me a copy of the DVD. The problem was that my DVR was full and didn't record it.
Posted By: J.D. Dunn (Registered) on April 07, 2009 at 06:48 PM
Steamboat finally got the farewell he has deserved after all these years. I thought it was not only a classy move on the part of the other wrestlers, but a very great moment in pro wrestling. A legend, forced to retire prematurely, finally got his one last moment in the sun.
Posted By: Spaz Monkey (Registered) on April 07, 2009 at 07:51 PM
Awesome idea for a Punk heel turn.
Posted By: Highscore Kid (Guest) on April 07, 2009 at 09:25 PM
We need to start a serious petition to get Dunn hired by WWE. Between this and the WM breakdown, it took every ounce of my strength to keep from laughing my ass off while at work. As it stands, if given a choice between reading Dunn's review and watching the product, the RAWtopsy wins by a wide margin.
Posted By: Bobby (Guest) on April 07, 2009 at 09:39 PM
Nice to have you back for the 'Mania double shot, Dunn.
"In any other promotion, a heel CM Punk makes perfect sense. Unfortunately this is the WWE, the land of the roided-up giants, so there's no way that Vince will pull the trigger. Even if he does, there's no way he'll get the nod over Cena or Batista."
They'd set him up to get killed, but I can see him doing better as a heel than as a face in WWE, title reign wise. And that's having barely seen his indie heel work.
Posted By: RBCDVR (Guest) on April 07, 2009 at 10:28 PM
I guess I have to start it.... Is Steamboat back full time or was it a two-shot deal?
Posted By: Douchebag McFucknuts (Guest) on April 07, 2009 at 11:34 PM
The announcers hyped C.M. Punk staring down John Cena during the post match celebration of the tag match. I agree that Punk would be better as a heel. I hope they give him another title run and let him run with the title a little longer this time.
Posted By: Ghost of Marlon Brando (Guest) on April 08, 2009 at 12:15 AM
In the back, HHH finds Vince and gives him some advice – "Finnish shit!" Wait, that doesn't even make sense. Might be "finish it."
Doesn't make sense??? HHH is simply giving his opinion of "The Hellraiser from Helsinki" Ludvig Borga.
Posted By: saneiac (Guest) on April 08, 2009 at 01:26 AM
i see cm punk gettin drafted to smackdown next week, edge beating cena and an edge/punk program in the future
but a heel turn would be nice
Posted By: tony danza (Guest) on April 08, 2009 at 01:30 AM
No, this had no place on a PPV at all! Give me more of Austin drunk-driving a dune buggy. Fun and exciting, as all of their matches are. Free the tag teams, WWE! **1/2- Dunn
Come on Dunn, Austin was a HUGE mark out moment for the crowd, they stood and cheered the whole time. Blame the Kid Rock performance which killed the crowd.
Posted By: Guest#3610 (Guest) on April 08, 2009 at 12:46 PM
I disagree Santino is not remotley funny. It baffles me that people say he's hilarious.
Saying names wrong and dressing like a girl is NOT funny
Posted By: Guest#8198 (Guest) on April 08, 2009 at 12:48 PM
Why don't you buy the No Way Out 2009 DVD?
You're as frugal as Mick Foley!
The recession is affecting JD..
I'm just fooling around man, no need to reply..
Posted By: Propagandhi (Guest) on April 08, 2009 at 01:24 PM
I absolutely LOVE Ricky Steamboat; so much so that while 2nd row at the Raw 15th Aniversary Show, I had a "Bring out Ricky Steamboat" sign, and would have been inconsolable at his lack of appearance, if Gerry Brisco and CM Punk hadn't come over after the show went off air to acknowledge my sign (and Jeff Hardy throw half-empty beers into the audience, but that's a different story).
That being said, I was thrilled to see him in action at Wrestlemania and again on RAW. For his age, he looked tremendous, but to say he was better than over half of the roster is somewhat of an exaggeration in my opinion. I marked out like crazy, but upon multiple viewings after, to say "He hasn't lost a step" seems harsh. Wonderful move set, still, but he looked exceptionally slow on RAW and showed his age.
Please understand, I'm not blaming the man or taking away from his accomplishments, because if I could move half as well as he can, I'd be in a ring somewhere trying a career. But, there's a little bit of sentimentality in all the praise. He's slowed down about 20 steps, as any man in his conditon should and would. Remarkable? Yes. Over like crazy? Yes. Worth every smile it brought to my face? Most definitely. On par to steal any show? I'm not so sure.
It was still a thrill to see, but to over-praise the skills based on sentimentality alone seems to take away the sheer joy of seeing him back in the ring in any condition.
But hey, either way, it's still real to me =)
Posted By: B.Mo. (Guest) on April 08, 2009 at 08:06 PM
People are acting like its some big surprise that Steamboat was over. Look at how low ratings are ... the current fanbase is made up largely of longtime wrestling fans and kids. Kids don't know who Steamboat is, but the other 2/3 of the crowd sure does.
Steamboat was over? Well DUH.
Posted By: MDK (Guest) on April 08, 2009 at 10:25 PM
EXCUSE ME! EXCUUUUUSE ME! Vickie Guerrero is out to announce she is YOUR Raw GM permanently. Blasphemous thought: Vickie is an even better heel than Eddy was.
Vicki does seem to embrace being a heel in a way Eddie never did. Yeah he was good at it and he knew it was necessary but you could always tell he was most comfortable as a face. You can say "who wouldn't be" but there are a lot of guys such as Edge and JBL, for whom it comes naturally.
Posted By: Omnivore (Guest) on April 09, 2009 at 12:10 PM
I take it you haven't watched WWE circa April to November 2005 WWE shows then..
Eddie was a great heel. The fact fans were cheering him says more about how much Batista and Rey Mysterio suck balls..
Posted By: Propagandhi (Guest) on April 10, 2009 at 06:05 PM
i love how someone starts wiht a "you know i love" remark but they just have to, according to themselves, set people straight back down to earth the way B.Mo is apparently doing. No sweetie you're not doing anyone any favors, the fact is older or not, Steamboat is over as anyone on that roster and some younger ones move even slower.
P.S. Yes it's still real to me damnit and I know, I'm about years late on this one lol!
Posted By: anon3 (Guest) on April 20, 2009 at 08:19 PM
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