A Brace for Impact 4.9.09

Posted by Michael Bauer on 04.10.2009

For the 25th edition of Brace for Impact, we have technical issues, four sets of opinions, and a special guest host!

Greetings, humanity! Welcome to A Brace for Impact, where not two... but four 411mania writers give you their real-time thoughts on the show as it happens. I'm your host Chris Lansdell, and each week a special guest will be joining me. Before we get to the guest, I've noticed from the comments section that some people don't seem to get the column, while some love it. Let me explain a few things about A Brace for Impact:

This is not a play-by-play report. Harrison does a fine job of that. This is more along the lines of the multi-person Instant Analysis we do for PPVs, but more spontaneous.

This is not meant to be a non-stop laugh-fest. It's to give you some insight into the thought process of the writers, which is especially important when it comes to a show like Impact which is often maligned.

The chat comments will be genuine, off-the-cuff remarks around the match. At the end we talk ABOUT the match. It's working well so far and we're enjoying the feedback, so please keep it coming. With that said, here's this week's co-host...

Well, hang on a second…

Michael Bauer: So, Chris Lansdell can't get a chat room working tonight, but you have the ECW Recapper, Michael Bauer leading the charge. Alongside me are not just one, but two of the finest we could find to joing us in a special Brace for Impact. First, we have Matt Short. Ready for a second chance to out do Chris this week?
Matt Short: I feel like I got robbed in BoS. Lansdell your time... is... SHORT. I did a throat cut there, but you obviously couldn't see it
Michael Bauer: Strong words there. We also have Rob McNew this week. Rob, ready to cross the line again?
Rob McNew: I'm always ready, especially after missing out on Raw on Monday I need to catch up on the 4th best thing.
Michael Bauer: Simply awesome. Our Fearless Leader is around though and he still will be giving us his match recaps and ratings. So without further interuption…

BANNER!



Sting asks Jarrett "Who Calls the Shots?"

Rob McNew: Who's running the company? Thats something we'd all like to know.
Michael Bauer: Well, Jeff is the owner, I would think he would.
Rob McNew: No he's the founder, Micks the shareholder, Cornette is the director of authority, and Dixie is the owner. I think...
Michael Bauer: Nice mess of things, huh?
Matt Short: Who says there's no order in chaos?
Michael Bauer: Sting has some stroke? Hard to believe that
Matt Short: I enjoy hearing Scott Steiner talk. It's like hearing a sidewalk prophet of doom give a Harvard commencement speech.
Rob McNew: I prefer batshit crazy Steiner to this normal bizarro Steiner.
Rob McNew: The Guns? Well this is random.
Michael Bauer: No, random are the video games they play.
Matt Short: RE5 reference = many buys!
Rob McNew: Oh I see the finally remembered the Shelley-Foley feud.
Matt Short: So does this make them full heels now?
Matt Short: Ooooh I get it. "Stroke"
Rob McNew: To the back!
Michael Bauer: KC and the Sunshine Band? Man, he shows his age.
Rob McNew: You're looking at that coat, and you think his musical references show his age?
Matt Short: Retro is in these days. Or haven't you heard?
Rob McNew: Was that a blatant "Did You Know" rip off?
Michael Bauer: I think it was.
Matt Short: Found your smile, good lord.
Michael Bauer: And his guitar apparently.
Rob McNew: Goofy Foley is lame.
Rob McNew: Can we get Serious Foley and Goofy Kurt?
Michael Bauer: I Think that is worse.


Non Title Match: Suicide vs. Sheik Abdul Bashir w/Kiyoshi and Team No Limit

Rob McNew: Hey, its the UnAmericans!
Matt Short: They're not from here. They have their own customs.
Michael Bauer: Yeah, but they fight here.
Matt Short: Look at their craaaaaazy passports!
Rob McNew: I'm pretty sure he wasn't facing Mecca.
Michael Bauer: This Suicide character is kinda nutty. But heck, if these guys get time, this match can be good.
Rob McNew: I actually saw this match at a house show a few weeks back. It was quite good.
Rob McNew: Why do the announcers admit he was born and raised in the United States, yet the introduce him from Tehran, Iran?
Michael Bauer: Well, born and raised is different than living now.
Rob McNew: I suppose, but have you ever tried moving to Tehran? It's not like moving to Shaker Heights, Ohio.
Matt Short: I like the Suicide gimmick. It's that "Suicidal" chant I don't like. It feels very forced.
Rob McNew: I'm not a big fan of naming a wrestling character Suicide to begin with.
Michael Bauer: Yeah, but you would think someone with that name would be alligned with Bashir, not fight against him.
Rob McNew: That might be a bit much even for TNA.
Matt Short: He's a ghost too apparently.

Winner: Sheik Abdul Bashir via a DDT onto the X-Division Title

Rob McNew: They got more time than your average throw away match, but still not enough to do anything of consequence. **1/4
Chris Lansdell: I don't think this was meant to do anything than set up a story for the X-Scape match at Lockdown, but I believe that was Suicide's first loss. Seems weird to have him lose like that just to make Bashir look like the main threat, when a 4-on-1 beatdown would have done just as well. The match was just there, and it was too short to boot. *½
Matt Short: Not a bad opening match at all. These guys worked pretty well together and I dug Bashir busting out his belly-to-back piledriver. Kind of an upset win for Bashir, but it gets him over as a legit threat to the title now. I'd like to have seen them get more time, but this is Impact and that's very rarely going to happen for X-Division bouts. **
Michael Bauer: It looked alright, but the 4 on 1 kinda made the result obvious. At least now we have a true challenger for Suicide. *1/2


Rhino and the Soldier, Dat Azz Cubed attacks, and Sting and Team 3D Interviews

Michael Bauer: That soldier looks like that he could be Joe's double.
Rob McNew: My understanding is this guy isn't a real soldier.
Michael Bauer: This feels kinda too close to home.
Matt Short: So their story is that he was on the USS Cole? This has bad idea written all over it.
Rob McNew: That better have been a true story, or else thats deplorable.
Michael Bauer: Probably at least based on one

Michael Bauer: Holy crap! The Beautiful People are actually smart!
Rob McNew: Why is it they only cut a single chunk of hair? If you're going to do it do it right.
Matt Short: Which makes you wonder how smart it is to keep on antagonizing Kong.

Michael Bauer: I gotta respect Team 3D for having the school opened up.
Rob McNew: Seems like a lot of guys are doing that these days
Matt Short: Not all of them are maybe the kinds of guys you'd want teaching the next generation of stars though.

Michael Bauer: Ok, am I in the minority, but does Sting need to choose between face paint or no face paint?
Rob McNew: Face Paint please, he looks about 60 without it. And you know, he kind of looks like Nicholson.
Matt Short: He should stick with the paint all the time. And I also think they are turning him into a Jack Nicholson type guy.
Michael Bauer: Please. There is no comparing the two.
Rob McNew: This ear story never gets old.
Michael Bauer: And he is still chanting "Just Tweak It".... for the love of my hometown hero!
Rob McNew: Mick Foley speaks next...anyone want to take bets on when the next match is?
Michael Bauer: Wait, I just got word from our fearless leader...
Chris Lansdell: Hey, remember when there was wrestling?
Michael Bauer: Remember guys, I recap ECW. There used to be wrestling there.
Matt Short: You make a strong point, sir.


Abyss and Lauren plus Mick Foley Speaks

Michael Bauer: Woah, woah, woah, since when did the interview chick had a personality?
Rob McNew: Are we supposed to believe that she loves him back?
Matt Short: Dr. Stevie is not to be fucked with.
Rob McNew: If he Stevie Kicks the bitch Impact is my new favorite show.

Michael Bauer: And here comes the Long Island Hero and the ugliest jacket ever!
Matt Short: I think he mugged Disco Inferno somewhere for that jacket… Or Earnest Miller
Michael Bauer: Or Shakespeare…
Matt Short: Or an Incan warrior…
Rob McNew: I just thought he killed a tiger and jumped inside for warmth Luke Skywalker style.
Michael Bauer: Did he just say he had a book caled Crossing the Line?
Matt Short: I believe that is the actual name of his next book.
Rob McNew AND Chris Lansdell SIMULTANIOUSLY: That's a boy!?!?
Michael Bauer: Schilling his kids now... has he no shame?
Matt Short: This is the man who went off on ECW fans for mentioning his kid.
Michael Bauer: Oooohh... First Blood match!
Rob McNew: That would have been a great surprise if I didn't get a text from TNA mobile about 3 PM telling me about it. I'm embarassed to admit I have TNA Mobile
Michael Bauer: Speaking of Texts…
Chris Lansdell: He needs to have another kid and call it Louie.
Matt Short: I'm afraid that's what he's actually planning on doing.
Michael Bauer: I don't anyone should want to look like Alex Shelley anyway.


Booker T w/ Kurt Angle vs. Samoa Joe and the pre-match interviews

Rob McNew: I'd like to point out that the babyface kidnapped the heels wife. Why are we supposed to hate Booker again?
Michael Bauer: Because he is anti-Samoa Joe, I think.
Rob McNew: That was a total babyface promo...You kidnapped my wife, and tonight I get my revenge. I'm so confused.
Michael Bauer: Uh oh, the fearless leader is angry…
Chris Lansdell: What an excellent way to get the MEM over as heels. Make us sympathise with them. Fucking idiots. How are we supposed to cheer a guy who kidnaps a defenseless woman and does whatever to her to fuck up the way bitch talks? How are we supposed to boo a couple of guys who want revenge for the kidnapping and mistreatment, and who are standing by each other?
Rob McNew: Glad to see someone else agrees.
Matt Short: Unless they're actually going to be breaking up the MEM soon and then turn Joe heel, this is moronic booking.

Michael Bauer: Samoa Joe a nation of one?
Matt Short: Let me echo AJ here. Really?
Rob McNew: I'm pretty sure that was one of those shoot comments that wasn't supposed to be a shoot comment.

Rob McNew: Even Angle who was up until this week the purest heel on the show looks like a face in this deal. I'm gonna watch your back so that shit doesn't go down again.
Matt Short: Now he's actually FROM The Nation of Violence. It's a place now.
Rob McNew: Just South of Dudleyvile. Right outside Parts Unknown.
Michael Bauer: I was thinking of somewhere near Tehran, Iran.
Matt Short: Just left from the Edge of Sanity.
Michael Bauer: Holy crap is Joe all over Booker T.
Rob McNew: Who ordered the squash?
Michael Bauer: Woah, that's it?
Matt Short: Damn, and with the powerslam.
Michael Bauer: It was kinda look Booker wasn't even interested.
Matt Short: They really just sent them out there to do the angle and that's it.

Winner: Samoa Joe via a powerslam

Chris Lansdell: Where do I start? First, Joe looks like he ate Colin Delaney. Second, when was the last time you saw a powerslam finish a match? Joe hits that move every match and it never gets the win. Now I'm all for a little variety in finishes, but that was not a believable one. The match was also very short and completely unmemorable. I'd say that adds up to about *¼
Rob McNew: Nothing in this feud makes a damn bit of sense. AJ is supposed to be the noble babyface protecting Joe, but Joe doesn't want his help. Booker is all furious because his wife gets kidnapped, and rightfully so, and then goes out and gets totally squashed so he looks like a complete tool. Meanwhile Joe remains over as a face despite looking like the biggest heel who ever heeled. Total Russo Clusterfuck, as usual. 1/2*
Michael Bauer: That was certainly odd. I mean, Booker T got sqaushed in like two minutes with a powerslam. I mean, it advances the angle, but it was pretty weak. 3/4*
Matt Short: I don't think Booker has been squashed that bad since his match with The Boogeyman. This was just to advance the angle and you could barely call it a match. And a powerslam finish? Wow. 1/4*


ODB on a Date, Team 3D Roughcuts Part 2, and the Machine Guns speak

Rob McNew: Do you think they'll manage to get their Tag Title unification on the actual Pay Per View?
Michael Bauer: I'm sure of it… But I'm not sure of this date.
Matt Short: Rednecks are funny hurrr.
Rob McNew: I love comedy in wrestling. But, this is not comedy.
Michael Bauer: Yeah, this ain't funny, but I find myself laughing.
Matt Short: I dunno, grabbing Woody Woodpecker's junk has a quaint charm to it.
Rob McNew: Does he have a cigarette in his ear?
Michael Bauer: That he does.
Rob McNew: Tremendous! See kids, smoking is cool!
Michael Bauer: Or it makes you into a redneck.
Matt Short: Anyone who says smoking isn't cool is a nerd.
Michael Bauer: I guess I'm an ultra-nred then.
Matt Short: NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERDS!!!
Rob McNew: Well can you guys handle this segment? I'm gona burn one.

Matt Short: Okay, I love HUSTLE, but their tag titles shouldn't count.
Michael Bauer: Why not? They still won a championship.
Rob McNew: Neither should the ECW ones… *ducks incoming garbage*
Michael Bauer: That's like saying Samoa Joe's RoH World Title reign shouldn't count.
Rob McNew: Well we're in a commercial, so I guess we have 2 minutes to clear this up, but no it shouldn't.
Michael Bauer: Ok, now you should duck incoming garbage.
Matt Short: I say that about the HUSTLE belts because they were active for less than a year and seemed to exist only for Team 3D to have them. You can really only take HUSTLE's belts with a grain of salt really.
Michael Bauer: Ok, I guess that makes plenty of sense.
Rob McNew: I love RoH don't get me wrong, but I don't personally consider it a true World Title. For instance, would the entire IWC have collectively marked out in sheer joy for CM Punk winning his 2nd World Title last June? No, they marked out because he won his FIRST ONE!!
Rob McNew: Anyway...back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Michael Bauer: Donkey Kong, now that's a game.
Rob McNew: I was hoping for some Ms. Pacman smack, but thats probably before their time.
Matt Short: Are the belts really on the line now or what?
Michael Bauer: I don't think so.
Matt Short: That seems like the kind of thing that might upset New Japan.


Scott Steiner w/ Kevin Nash vs. James Storm w/ Robert Roode

Michael Bauer: So Steiner vs Storm... another attamept at making the MEM face?
Rob McNew: Is that 21 Times a legit number? Or is it like Angle's 12?
Matt Short: Beer Money has been acting like faces now though.
Rob McNew: Yeah, they had a pseudo face turn last week.
Michael Bauer: Maybe it is all about getting the best match out of Team 3D later, like Ray said.
Rob McNew: That was pretty much the explanation, but still thats face behavior.
Matt Short: Or an elaborate set-up for a big beatdown next week before Lockdown.
Michael Bauer: I think it is more of an ego statement.
Michael Bauer: Lockdown in Philly? Team 3D has the biggest homecourt advanatge ever. Especially with the "WE WANT BLOOD!" chant.
Matt Short: I won't be chanting that.
Rob McNew: So Dudleyville is in East Pennsylvania then?
Matt Short: South Philly, pay attention.
Michael Bauer: East Philly is the Nation of Violence, remember.
Rob McNew: Bubba reciting GnR lyrics, very nice.
Michael Bauer: Oh, what a bullshit ending. This match was great.
Rob McNew: Horrible.
Matt Short: I'll third that.
Michael Bauer: Well, now Don West turns heel?
Rob McNew: He's been heel about 6 weeks now.
Michael Bauer: Yeah, but he didn't sound heel until just now.
Rob McNew: They allegedly toned it down.
Matt Short: They're passing it off as him being scared of 3D, but its hard to tell sometimes.

Winner: James Storm by DQ via Kevin Nash interference

Michael Bauer: So, this match was quite good, but the ending was quite pathetic. Then again, it does at leats make sense for the way the feud was going. Should be a hell of a match in 10 days. **1/2
Rob McNew: Anyone who couldn't see the ending here coming a mile away is blind. After last week you knew this match would end in MEM interference, and a 3D save. It was just a matter of when. Match was good, but its hard to get too wrapped up in it when you see the screwjob coming a mile away. **
Chris Lansdell: Geez, the matches tonight are all the same - nothing special, and seeming like an inconvenience that gets in the way of the stories. Steiner really looked old in this one, and I'm not sure why they had to use the MEM to further the respect story. *¼ again.
Matt Short: That match was going really good before the bullshit ending. But, like every other match tonight, it does advance the angles which is a good thing. This mutual respect thing between Beer Money and Team 3D adds an interesting dimension to their up-coming title match. *


Awesome Kong vs. Velvet Sky and Madison Rayne w/Angelina Love

Rob McNew: In honor of our fearless leader. Dat Azz Cubed!!!!
Michael Bauer: Yeah, they are something...
Matt Short: Vomit huh?
Michael Bauer: Kong doesn't need a makeover... she needs a re-do!
Rob McNew: Chris chimes in in 3...2...1...
Chris Lansdell: Ladies and gentlemen! At this time I would like to remind you all, as per my contractual obligations, that Kong Kills Bitches Dead.
Matt Short: I was getting worried there for a second that he might forget.
Michael Bauer: Are you kidding, you know he would never pass up that chance.
Rob McNew: I think its like tourettes… he can't help himself.
Rob McNew: So, is this like the old days when they'd send two or three jobbers out to lose to Andre?
Chris Lansdell: I love you cameraman!
Rob McNew: Give that man a raise! He just gave me one.
Michael Bauer: So remind me, who is that third chick?
Rob McNew: Madison Rayne.
Michael Bauer: Oh wow... she went beautiful, huh?
Rob McNew: She was always beautiful.
Michael Bauer: Well, there is beautiful and then there is snob beauty.
Rob McNew: Correct, she did go from one to the other.
Rob McNew: So now is Kong turning face?
Matt Short: Everyone's turning. It's getting hard to keep track of.
Rob McNew: This is like WCW 2000, or WWF in 1999.
Michael Bauer: I think they are trying to get rid of heel and face. Just have people beating up people.
Rob McNew: Whats the common theme? Besides Jeff Jarrett.
Michael Bauer: I have no clue... and neither do they.

Winner: Awesome Kong Via a Sunset Flip

Chris Lansdell: Chris Lansdell: Here we go again! a 3 minute match that existed solely to get us to the post-match shenanigans! This match was actually alightly better, weird for a handicap match but Rayne and Sky worked really well together an pulled off some nice offence. Not enough to go beyond ** though.
Michael Bauer: I don't know how I am supposed to feel about a handicap match here. Sure, the story got pushed forward, but that's really all that happened here. *
Rob McNew: Its no secret that I'm not a fan of ladies wrestling. This was no different. Kong will be a terrible face, if thats what they're doing. She's a monster and should be booked as such. And she shouldn't be winning matches with sunset flips. *
Matt Short: The order of the night seems to be to get the match over quick so we can work in the angle. This wasn't bad for a handicap match, but it was so short that I wonder so what? 3/4*


Handicap First Blood Match: Mick Foley vs. The Motor City Machine Guns


Rob McNew: Has any company used the "Special Guest Enforcer" gimmick more than TNA?
Michael Bauer: I can think of one.
Rob McNew: This match is for the belts, you have to be kidding me.
Michael Bauer: Oh crap, the titles are on the line???
Matt Short: Seriously?
Michael Bauer: Well, I guess the winner is obvious.
Matt Short: This should be pretty entertaining, I think.
Michael Bauer: And here comes my homeboy! Literally.
Rob McNew: How's the weather in Truth or Consequences?
Michael Bauer: I think he was announced as being from Long Island, NY.
Rob McNew: Well thanks, ruin my fun!
Matt Short: Wait, didn't Jarrett just say he was coming out?
Michael Bauer: So now we lose continuity in two minutes, lovely!
Rob McNew: Why are tags necessary in a FIRST BLOOD MATCH?
Michael Bauer: Ok, what the hell is with this trend? More and more we have matches with no rules... and they have to tag in?
Rob McNew: Meanwhile in the previous match, which was a handicap match, and had rules, tags were not necessary.
Matt Short: It's TNA, it will only confuse you if you let it. You just need to nod and smile.
Rob McNew: I do so much better when I'm not doing Brace and can just sit and watch it with my brain turned off.
Michael Bauer: Well, at least we know Foley can still stick the spots.
Rob McNew: Now they just realized they don't really have to tag.
Michael Bauer: Yeah, but they still never realized that the moves need to go after the head.
Matt Short: Foley looks so much better lately than he did in his last PPV match. Which isn't saying much I guess.
Michael Bauer: Blood on the suck?
Matt Short: Wait, what?
Rob McNew: Are you fucking serious?
Matt Short: Well at least that wasn't the finish.
Rob McNew: Thank goodness.
Michael Bauer: Finally, TNA does something right.
Rob McNew: Well at least that makes some sense, I guess.
Michael Bauer: How? Shelley's mouth was bleeding.
Rob McNew: Well traditionally that hasn't counted as a finish in first blood matches.
Matt Short: That finish was just all around weird.
Michael Bauer: So is this brawl.
Matt Short: Time for another TNA Pull Apart Brawl!

Winners: The Motor City Mahcine Guns Via Chair Shot by Sting

Michael Bauer: Ok the match itself was alright, but holy crap was that the weirdest ending to a match that I can ever remember. **1/2
Rob McNew: It was odd. Even by first blood standards. Not Flair-Hogan in '99 odd, but still odd. Still it was an entertaining brawl as the Guns could probably carry me to a watchable match at this point. **1/4
Matt Short: Not bad, but not great for the main event. The Guns looked and Foley sold their offense well, but that finish left me confused as hell. I'll get them credit though for not ending the match from the blood on the sock though. **
Chris Lansdell: Just take everything I said about the other matches, and apply it to this one. A little longer, a little more offence from the Guns, but ultimately nothing in the ring and everything after the match. Add in the lunacy of Foley telling the referee that the match wasn't over when Foley was winning, and not doing the same when he lost...not good TNA, not good. ** because it was OK while it lasted.


Final Thoughts:

Michael Bauer: Ok, this had too many shenanigans even for a TNA show. Forget the fact that they went nearly an hour in the middle without a match. Not really that good if you are trying to sell me on the Pay Per View.
Chris Lansdell: The stories that TNA are setting up are good, don't get me wrong. They have some good ideas and I'm interested to see where they go. My problem is that they are neglecting the matches to advance the stories. Some learning needs to go on about telling stories WITHIN the match, or maybe switching to a "less is more" philosophy. Either way, tonight's show and format just did not work for me.
Rob McNew: Just a weird show all around. Nothing makes any sense, and at the end I have to take 30 minutes just trying to figure out what the hell I just watched. Its an entertaining clusterfuck, but a clusterfuck nonetheless. Still way too light on the wrestling, and we're still looking towards two 50 year old guys fighting for the world title and a Samoa Joe who is threatening murder and kidnapping guys wives as the heroic babyface trying to rescue the company. I just don't get it, but I keep watching so I guess they're doing their job.
Matt Short: I'm a little disappointed, because whenever I do A Brace for Impact the show is usually quite fun to watch. This episode... not so much. The matches were all short and served only to advance angles heading into the PPV. Not that there's anything wrong with advancing story lines, but this show just felt off to me. I blame it on the way they paced the episode. On the plus side, it does make me all the more excited to see Lockdown.


Don't forget to check out If I Could Be Serious for a Moment every Tuesday, and bookmark 411mania for easy returning! Stay Cool, Rock Hard.

The Tower of Bauer – Out.