411’s TNA Lockdown Report 04.19.09

In case you were wondering, you missed nothing of value on the preshow. As per Csonka, Eric Young picked up the win with a small package, then got BEATEN DOWN by a nunchuck-wielding Bonaduce before Rhino made the save. GO RUSSO~!

We get shots of Team Jarrett arriving separately and Team Angle arriving together with Sting, followed by Team 3D talking about Philly and being champions.

Looks like we’re opening with the X-Division title match as per usual. I wonder if it holds up as MOTN this year.

X-Division Title Xcape Match: Suicide © vs. Kiyoshi vs. Jay Lethal vs. Sheik Abdul Bashir vs. Consequences Creed

Kiyoshi is once again channeling Rufio. If you don’t know who that is, then you need to watch Hook.

We’re off and it’s already a cluster. Lethal and Creed are teaming up on Bashir while Kiyoshi and Suicide square off. Hip toss and basement dropkick (whiffed) by Lethal on Kiyoshi, Suicide blocks an attack from Lethal and gets a 2 count following a leg drop, broken up by Creed. Creed takes down Bashir with some big boots. Inverted atomic to Kiyoshi by Suicide, Kiyoshi blocks an attack and hits a Burning Sword for 2. Creed and Lethal take down Suicide and Bashir with dropkicks. Whip to Bashir, Lethal with a dropkick in the corner and Creed with a clothesline. Military press by Lethal, Creed off the top with a bulldog on Bashir out of the press! Backbreaker by Lethal on Suicide, Russian leg sweep by Creed, camel clutch by Lethal and a basement dropkick by Creed. TKO on Kiyoshi by Creed! Flying elbow by Lethal! Double cover on Kiyoshi and we have our first elimination!
Kiyoshi pinned by Lethal and Creed

Creed levels Bashir with a clothesline. Double flapjack by Creed and Lethl on Bashir gets 2. Suplex/crossbody combo by Lethal Consequences gets 2 on Suicide. They try to whip Bashir and Suicide into each other, Suicide gets Lethal up on his shoulders and Bashir reverses the whip, Suicide uses Lethal to knock down Creed and then hits a Finlay roll! Clothesline to Suicide by Bashir! WMDDT to Creed! 1…2…3!

Creed pinned by Bashir

Bashir and Lethal exchange chops. Lethal reverses a whip and gets the Lethal Combo! Suicide intervenes and pounds down Lethal in the corner. Whip and clotheslines in the corner by Suicide, another Finlay roll is reversed by Lethal to a crucifix for 2. Lethal gets 2 more off a rollup before Suicide kills him with a clothesline. Dude flipped. 2 count only on the cover. Whip by Suicide, he drops his head and Lethal gets a boot. He tries a moonsault off the rope, it misses! Suicide Solution! Bashir intervenes, takes Suicide into the cage and gets the pin on Lethal!

Lethal pinned by Bashir

Whip reversed by Suicide, Bashir dropkicks the cage and it opens! Bashir almost gets through! Suicide stops him. Whip by Bashir now, Suicide runs up the ropes! Bashir blocks that escape attempt. Both men on the top now, BACK SUPLEX by Bashir from the top! Instead of trying to escape, Bashir is measuring Suicide! WMDDT try countered! Bashir’s face is taken to the turnbuckle, and Suicide is climbing! Bashir follows, and both men are straddling the top of the cage! This can’t end well. They tease Bashir falling inside twice, third time’s the charm and down he goes! The way is clear for Suicide, but Kiyoshi is out! He has Suicide blocked off while Bashir heads for the door! Security is out to remove Kiyoshi…Suicide is setting to leap! CROSSBODY OFF THE CAGE TO THE FLOOR! WINNER!

Winner: Suicide via escape

Rating: *** Not as great as I was hoping. These matches are normally faster-paced and more energetic but this one just didn’t have the feeling about it.

TNA Knockouts Queen of the Cage Match: ODB vs. Madison Rayne vs. Daffney vs. Sojo Bolt

Wow, Sojo is alive, and…BLONDE? Daffney looks suitably psycho but does not scream, hence she fails. No, wait, there it is. Now here comes ODB, the offspring of Mrs Bitch and her cousin. Oh good, Raccoon Boy is out. Dude looks like someone grafted a tanooki suit to him.

Daffney and Rayne hook up while Bolt chokes ODB. SWANK northern lights by Daffney gets no count, but Bolt and Rayne argye long enough for Daffney to get a schoolgirl on Bolt for 2. Rayne and Bolt try a double clothesline on ODB who ducks and takes them both down. Daffney jumps on ODB’s back and is slammed. Bolt holds ODB while Rayne lays in some shots. Slam by Bolt, then Rayne and Bolt DAMN ODB got catapulted HARD into the cage. Daffney tries to join in the ODB bashing but Bolt and Rayne take her down. Daffney comes back with a crossbody to Rayne and Bolt! Hairpull neckbreaker to Rayne by Daffney! SCREAM! She tries an elbow from the ropes but misses. Deaner gives ODB some booze and she has clothesline for all! Rayne is whipped in, Bolt whipped into Rayne, Flying Booby Press to both! Fallaway slam to Bolt! Side slam to Rayne gets 2. Bolt breaks the pin and kicks ODB in the gut, but has her pin broken up by Daffney. Daffney breaks out the moss-covered 3-handled family gradunzel! Only a count of 1 before Rayne breaks the cover. Whip by Rayne and she and Daffney both get a facebuster. All 4 ladies are down, but Deaner has more booze for ODB! She spits it in the face of Bolt! Well Cody, now you know the answer. Powerslam to Bolt! 1…2…3!

Winner: ODB via pinfall (on Sojo Bolt, powerslam)

Rating: *½ Daffney was the star off the match, which is probably not a good sign.

IWGP Jr. Tag Team Title Match: The Motor City Machine Guns © vs. No Limit vs. LAX

This is going to be sudden. Early on Naito runs up the ropes and hits a crossbody on Shelley. Somehow he ends up in a tree of woe and Shelley hits a pair of sliding kicks to the face. Back elbow from Homicide to Yujiro. Homi tries a crossbody but Yujiro turns it into a powerslam for 2. Sabin with a series of kicks to take Hernandez down and then locks in an octopus! He slides off into a sunset flip try, Hernandex won’t budhe so he tries some chops instead. Sabin hits the ropes but Hernandez simply THROWS him into the cage! Shelley with the Piper eye poke to Hernandez and then a series of chops. He tries to get Hernandez up for a suplex…oh dear. Hernandez blocks and takes Shelley up for a delayed suplex until Sabin comes over with kicks to break it up. The Guns try it together but that ain’t workin, Hernandez says “That’s the way we do it, we suplex both y’all on the PPV”, to paraphrase.No Limit in charge now with a series of double team moves to the Guns culminating in a legdrop and somersault senton to Shelley. LAX break up their celebration with a shoulder block by Hernandez and basement dropkick to Naito. Hernandez catapults Yujiro into the cage then holds him in position across the knees, but Homicide fluffs the legdrop from the top. What, no “You fucked up!” chant? Homicide and Shelley are both on the top, Sabin crotches Homicide then leaps off the back of Shelley to kick Homicide into the cage. They both charge Hernandez, then take him down with kicks. Hernandez is on his knees, they put Homicide on his shoulders and hit the combo missile dropkick/flatliner combo! Innovative! Tornado DDT to Homicide by Sabin gets 2 before Yujiro breaks it up. The Guns and No Limit charge Hernandez with forearms, he dodges the last one from Shelley so LAX and No Limit charge Shelley! Hernandez is last with a HUGE avalanche! Hernandez hits a belly to belly on Shelley! Yujiro is draped across the top by Hernandez, Homicide hits a double stomp! Sabin tries a crossbody on Hernandez, who ctaches him and tries a powerbomb! Sabin reverses and tries a sunset flip but again, not gonna happen. OH GOD DAMN! Hernandez pulls up Sabin then overhead choke tosses him into the cage, and Sabin lands ON HIS HEAD! Let’s ask BlaccuWeather meteorologist Ollie Williams what kind of pain that is. Ollie?

MOTRIN PAIN!

Thanks Ollie. Now this! Hernandez has Shelley up for the Border Toss…into the cage! Naito ducks a clothesline from Homicide and hits a powerslam! Double slam to Hernandez by No Limit gets 2. Yujiro fluffs something on Hernandez but gets 2 anyway. Yujiro misses a Benoit headbutt on Sabin, Naito tries a corkscrew moonsault and THAT misses! Combo splash-legdrop from the top by the Guns on Yujrio, pin is broken by Hernandes at 2. Shelley is THROWN by Hernandez in a half nelson suplex, Naito takes down Hernandez with a neckbreaker and then Homicide takes down Naito with a missile dropkick! Yujiro positions Homicide for a superplex, but Hernandez is over and has Naito on his shoulders! Top rope 187! The Guns are up and kick Homcide’s teeth to State College! Combo kicks to Hernandez and he’s down and out! MADE IN DETROIT TO NAITO! 1…2…3!

Winners: The Motor City Machine Guns via pinfall (Sabin on Naito, Made in Detroit)

Rating: ***½ That’s what I was waiting for. Spots, teamwork, high speed but it all made sense in the context of the match and only one person almost died, and it wasn’t off an insane spot.

Doomsday Chamber of Blood Match: Abyss vs. Matt Morgan

Abyss starts off on the attack and Morgan doesn’t know whether to shit of go blind. He comes back with knee strikes but Abyss takes him down with a clothesline then gets another in the corner. ABYSS CLAM BAKE in the corner. Morgan blocks an attempt to take him to the cage then kicks Abyss in the face. Side slam by Abyss who contemplates using the chair, but hesitates and gets it kicked…sort of into his face with a carbon footprint. Abyss is busted open, I thought this was first blood? Guess not! Morgan deposits the chair to the outside and then throws Abyss into the cage and gets a 2. Ah, you can only get a pin AFTER making your opponent bleed. HUGE dropkick by Morgan, beautiful. Another 2 for Morgan. He pounds at the cut on Abyss’ head and goes for Teh Bag~! In today’s bag of tricks…huge fucking shards of glass! Cue Annie Lennox! Morgan is trying to shove Abyss face-first into the glass but he won’t go, although he must have caught a gusher as that glass is getting a coat of paint. Awesome visual. Morgan picks up a particularly large shard and tries to carve Abyss’ head with it but Abyss blocks it.There is blood EVERYWHERE. Abyss fights back, ducks a clothesline and hits a flying tackle. He takes Morgan into the cage on each side and hits a clothesline, he tries a cover but Morgan is not bleeding yet. Abyss sells the bloodloss with a bit of staggering, and Morgan fights back with a knee to the gut. Morgan climbs to the top and tries a crossbody…Abyss ducks and Morgan takes out the ref! Abyss has some glass and he just SLAMS it into Morgan’s forehead! Bugger me that was hard to look at. Morgan pulls some glass out of his head and, yes, he is indeed bleeding. They slug it out center stage, Morgan wins the exchange and runs the ropes…right into a Black Hole Slam! Ref is still down but another one is out! 1…2…2.833! Abyss is leaving the ring to fetch the chair and…DR STEVIE!! IDENTITY REVEALED! Morgan uses the distraction to hit a carbon footprint! 1…2…NO!!! The crowd went nuts for Stevie, we have an ECW chant! Abyss takes down Morgan and begs Stevie for the chair, but he won’t give in. Stevie is dressed like James Mitchell. Abyss goes under the ring and has another bag of fun! In today’s bag, we have…tacks! Stevie is in the ring, berating Abyss and he slaps him silly! Low blow by Morgan! CHOKEBOMB INTO THE TACKS!!! 1…2…3!

Winner: Matt Morgan via pinfall (Chokebomb into tacks)

Rating: **¼ Much better than their last couple of encounters but still missing something. Plenty of blood and stiffness though.

Was that world champ number 1?

JB asks Jarrett what side he’s on. As you would expect Jarrett is non-committal. Joe walks in and says “No fronts, no tricks, no soap-box politics!”

TNA Knockouts Title Match: Awesome Kong © vs. Angelina Love vs. Taylor Wilde

AHEM! DAT AZZ SQUARED are out first looking really rather luscious. It just hit me that Taylor Wilde is trying REALLY hard to be like Trish Stratus. Fail. Oh, right, my contractual obligations. Ladies and gentlemen, at this time I would like to remind you that Kong kills bitches dead. She comes out complete with snipped extensions. Love looks like she is about to mess herself.

Love tries to escape right away but Kong kills her dead. Kong steps off for a breather, then Wilde beats her up. Love is thrown hard into tyhe cage, then Wilde whips her into Kong. Wilde runs the ropes and Kong makes to slam her into Love, then changes her mind and drops her face-first on the mat. Love escapes the Awesome Bomb and tries a sunset flip, Kong blocks and drops down but Love moves. Basement dropkicks by Wilde and Love, then they both hit one at the same time from opposite sides! Ouch. They each cover and each get a 2. Love and Wilde argue, they exchange rollups and Love comes out on top with a clothesline. Whip to Wilde, she ducks Love but runs into Kong who launches her into the cage. Should just taken the hit from Love there honey. Love tries a schoolgirl on Kong, who looks at her and is all like “Begone, Flea!” and chokebombs her across the ring. GIANT SWING to Love! She stands on Love’s hair and pulls her up. Ouch. Hair beale to Love. Regular beale to Wilde. Jessica Biel to my bedroom. Kong is climbing the ropes! SOMERSAULT FUCKING SENTON!!!!!!!! Thank God she missed, but HOLY SHIT! Wilde breaks up the pin but gets a Yakuza kick for her troubles! Oh genius!!! Love and Sky are tying Kong to the cage by her braids!!!!! Look out Wilde off the top…crossbody! 1…2…no! Wilde applies a sleeper while Kong tries to get free. Wilde lets go of the sleeper and goes to check on Kong, we instead see Love asking the ref something. BAD camerawork. Kong kicks Wilde off and Love pins her for the 3?????

Winner: Angelina Love via pinfall (on Wilde, kick by Kong)

Rating: **3/4 That finish came off REALLY badly, but possibly that was due to Angelina being knocked for a loop off that crossbody. Still they could have done without that camera shot of Love talking to the ref. The match went very well before that.

Winner Takes All – TNA World Tag Team Titles vs. IWGP Tag Team Titles Philadelphia Street Fight: Beer Money © vs. Team 3D ©

Beer Money are out with no vehicles. Boo-urns. Team 3D enter through the crowd.

Pier 6er to start, Beer Money get the upper hand until Devon avoids a charge in the corner. They throw Beer Money outside and here comes the violence. Just to fuck with me they give me a split screen. Go go gadget chameleon eyes! Umm…they fight in the crowd. You’ve seen this a dozen dozen times before. A gross of times, in fact. Storm slams Ray’s head into something hard and they’re up on the concourse now. They’re still just slugging it out. No weapons or bumps yet. Ray crotches Storm on the handrail and slides him down it! God this camerawork is awful, we can barely see anything. Roode and Ray head back to the ring, with Storm and Devon on close pursuit. Storm spits beer into the face of Devon, then SLAMS the cage door into the face of Ray. Beer Money set up the steps and a table in front of them. Double suplex off the steps through the table!!!

BEER! MONEY!

Ray is bleeding. They have him in the ring and rub his face in the cage. Ray fights back with some slaps and a double clothesline taking down both men. Slam to Roode and Ray goes up the ropes. Roode stops him and both men are slugging it out on the ropes. TOP ROPE BUBBA BOMB! Mother of mercy that’ll fracture your coccyx. 1…2…NO! Storm is up and hits a reverse tornado DDT for 2. Devon is back! Big shoulder tackle taes Storm into the cage, then the back suplex/neckbreaker gets 2! Storm has Devon in one corner, Ray comes over and they hit the Doomsday Device! 1…2…2.806! Roode whips in Devon but gets caught with an elbow coming in. Scoop slam by Ray….WAZZUP!

DEVON!

GET THE TABLES!

Philly tells him rather vociferously. We have wood in the ring but Beer Money are up! Double back suplex to Ray! Devon gets rammed into the cage. Samoan drop/blockbuster combo on Devon gets 2. Roode and Storm both on the top….both miss! Roode is still up though and gets a spinebuster on Ray, and a neckbreaker on Devon! Storm is outside with the cage door open…Roode goes to whip Devon into it…REVERSED! 3D incoming…through the table! 1…2…3!!!

Winners: Team 3D via pinfall (on Roode, 3D through a table)

Rating: **½ Good nostalgia in this one, but you know me and how much I hate pointless brawls through the crowds. Beer Money looked good on offence and 3D were OK when they were in the ring.

Jenna is with the Mafia in their dressing room.

Lethal Lockdown: Team Jarrett (Samoa Joe, AJ Styles, Jeff Jarrett and Christopher Daniels) vs. Team Angle (Kurt Angle, Scott Steiner, Booker T and Kevin Nash)

Looks like Kirk Angel is out first for his team. Probably because he’s the only person on it who can go more than 10 minutes. I reckon Booker will be out after him. Daniels is out for Team Jarrett, and apparently he is just going by Daniels now. You shave his ‘stache, he looks like pre-roids Angle.

Double leg by Daniels and an early curb stomp. Wow, we’re starting rough. Angle comes back with an arm wringer, Daniels rolls through into a leg lock. They chain wrestle, and Daniels gets a headlock. Back suplex by Angle doesn’t break the hold, but Angle takes Daniels to the turnbuckle and THAT breaks it. Daniels ducks a pair of clotheslines and hits a high leg lariat. A whip is reversed but Angle runs into Daniels’ foot. Daniels cliu,bs the ropes and comes down off the top with a foot in Angle’s chest!!! Nice. Angle is perched on the top…palm strike! Iconoclasm! 1 minute to Booker. Angle blocks an attempt to take him to the cage and gets a suplex. Chinlock by Angle, Daniels quickly breaks it and gets the Flatliner into the Koji Clutch! Countdown is on and…yup, Booker. He breaks the hold right away and lays in the chops and knee strikes. I reckon AJ is next. Daniels ducks the leg lariat, hits some jabs and gets a kick of his own. Booker reverses a whip into a European by Angle, and let the double teams commence. 10 seconds left, that was quick! AJ doesn’t bother to pose, he comes right on down and goes nuts witth kicks. Booker is whipped into a kick from Daniels and they hit a hi-lo on Booker followed by a lariat-back suplex combo. Ah, seeing these two together brings back memories. Suplex to Booker by AJ, and a gutwrench one to Angle by Daniels. Clothesline to Angle by Daniels. Steiner time in 10 seconds. He takes down both faces with a clothesline. Belly to belly off the top for Daniels! He perches AJ on the top and FRANKENSTEINER! Whip to AJ, clothesline and the elbow. Arm twist and kick by Booker on AJ. Another clothesline and elbow, to Daniels this time, and HERE COMES JOE. Wait, where is he? He’s backstage talking to someone! Now he’s out! T Bone for Steiner! Steinr goes into the cage! Clotheslines and a head-and-arm suplex to Angle! Powerslam to Bookerer! Kick, chop, senton for Steiner! Here comes Nash and OMG HE JOGGED! Joe kicks the door right into Nash’s face before he gets to the ring! Joe and Nash fight outside but Nash gets control and hits the ring. Chokeslam to AJ! Side slam to Daniels! Nash has half a hospital on his elbow. Joe is back and is working on Nash. PELE to Steiner! Best! Moonsault! Ever! To Nash! Back suplex to Joe by Angle! Book End to Daniels! Here’s Jarrett!! He unloads on Angle and Booker and here comes the lid! Everyone stands still and watches it come down. DUMB. The faces have all the weapons and OH FUCK YOU TNA 6 cameras??? Jarrett tattoos Steiner with a trash can lid. Angle and AJ are fighting on the top and somehow Angle has escaped to the top of the cage! AJ has followed and now he’s going to kill himself for our amusement. They slug it out on the cage, Angle has control and tries a suplex off the top!!!! AJ blocks and lays in some shots, Angle is teetering! AJ is trying to shove him over. TO the eyes by Angle, and a low blow and Angle is back in the ring! Smart, AJ is still up top. Angle Slam to Jarrett. AJ is walking around up top HOLY FUCKING FUCKERY OF STUPID FUCKING IDIOTS! AJ leaps THROUGH the roof of the cage into the MEM!!!!! You fool! Daniels tries a pin on Angle and gets 2. “That was awesome!” – Philly. STO by Daniels on Angle, Steiner gets a patented belly to belly on Daniels, Joe gets an inverted Atomic and muscle buster on Steiner! Flying kick on Steiner by Booker, SPINAROONIE! AJ is up! He gets a knee to the gut but Booker misses the axe kick! Jarrett has a chair, Booker ducks and AJ gets levelled!!! Angle with the cover! 1…2…no! Joe is pissed at Jarrett which allows Angle to get the Angle Slam! 1…2…Daniels saves! ANGELS WINGS on Angle! 1…2…Steiner breaks it! Flatliner to the chair by Steiner on Daniels! Jarrett is getting the guitar! Why is there always a guitar? He points at AJ, but creams Booker! West ruins the moment by still questioning who Jarrett would hit AFTER Booker was down. AJ gets the cover! 1…2…3!

Winners: Team Jarrett via pinfall (Angle on Booker, guitar shot)

Ratings: ***¼ This was enjoyable to watch, but wasn’t exactly a good match. Too much got shoehorned in and large sections felt like move-move-move with nothing to connect them.

The lights go out, and we have new music…it’s LASHLEY!!!! He points at the ring as Angle laughs!

Sting cuts a promo. Foley cuts a better promo during which he lovingly caresses a baseball bat coated in barbed wire. He is also wearing his WWE Cactus Jack shirt.

TNA World Title Match: Sting © vs. Mick Foley

We’ve got half an hour for this plus entrances. However, the entrances and intros take 9 minutes (without a Taker entrance!) so we’re down to 20 max. Despite saying in his promo that Mick Foley wasn’t here today, he answers to it in the intros.

Foley starts by hitting himself and reopneing his cut. Riiiiiiight. A forearm takes Sting down and is followed by boots to the head. Foley climbs but Sting is up and elbows Foley down off the ropes. Sting’s turn to lay in boots now, which he follows up by rubbing Foley’s face into the cage. Foley comes back with some big rights. Foley climbs again and again Sting is up and lays in some chope, then gets a back suplex off the top! Cover gets 2. Foley blocks the attempt to take him to the cage and comes back with head shots. Foley climbs AGAIN but a Stinger Splash to the legs stops that idea. Foley is caught in between the cage and the ropes! Damn that left leg is not supposed to bend that direction. Sting goes to work on the leg now, but Foley tries to climb anyway! Sting chop-blocks him down. More fac-cage rubbery by Sting. Sting tries to ram Foley into the cage but Foley reverses and hurls Sting instead! Foley is limping but kicks Sting in the head anyway. Nce of them to broadcast this in slow motion. Neckbreaker by Foley gets 2. Foley climbs again but his knee is preventing him. He changes his mind and hits the double-arm DDT instead. 1…2…no. My God, a wrestling hold from Foley! Deathlock applied! Sting breaks the hold but the damage has been done. Foley demands they unlock the door but the refs refuse because Foley himself said you shouldn’t be able to win that way! Foley shoves down Hebner then hits a baseball slide on…a cameraman?? Ohhhhhh he tries to crawl through the camera hole! Smart! Sting stops him and applies the Deathlock and Foley crawls to the cage and demands the bat from the cameraman, who obeys??? He just kicked you in the face, moron! Sting releases the hold for some reason and Foley has the bat in the ring! He takes several swings and they all miss! Sting fights back and tries to climb! BASEBALL BAT TO THE KNEE! And again! Why is this not a DQ, and if there are no DQs then why could he not keep it in the ring? Foley charges with the bat but Sting gets a drop toehold and Foley eats barbed wire! Sting has the bat!!! Shot to the gut! A second! A shot to the back with the bat, and again! Barbed wire to the eyes, but Foley gets a low blow! Bat shot to the head by Foley! He drops the bat into Sting’s face! Sting is bleeding now. Foley has the sock and he WRAPS WIRE around it! Repeated shots to the head by Foley with the sock, and Sting is slumped in the corner. Foley charges with the bat and crashes into Sting with it! OK so this is slow but actually not bad. Foley tries to climb again! He’s over! Sting is over! Foley drops first and is the champ!!!!!!!

Winner: Mick Foley via escape

Rating: **¼ It wasn’t as bad as I feared, but it was WAY too slow and formulaic to be anything better than OK.