411's WWE Raw Report 05.25.09

Posted by Rob McNew on 05.25.2009

Dear E. Stan Kroenke, Screw You. Signed, Vince.



-So after all the drama of the past week about where Raw would be we now find ourselves in Los Angeles, and unlucky for Vince the drama has seemingly died down in the mainstream press since the move to STAPLES was announced. We appear to be ready to go heavy on Nuggets-Lakers drama which will either make for some entertaining comedy, or brutally boring pettiness. Only one way to find out, so lets get to it.

-Live from STAPLES Center in Los Angeles, CA

-Hosted by Michael Cole & Jim Ross

-WWE opens with a class moment (now that's a phrase I didn't think I'd say given the likely events that will unfold tonight) by paying tribute to the men and women of the armed forces in honor of Memorial Day.

-We get off to a roaring start by Lillian introducing Denver Nuggets owner E. Stanley Kroneke. Of course it's a look alike holding a basketball. That takes us to a recap of the week's events showcasing the media reports on the topic (the positive one's only of course). Kroenke shakes hands with David Stern, Jack Nicholson, and Jerry Buss lookalikes sitting ringside. Kroenke introduces himself as the owner of the soon to be NBA Champion Nuggets to raise the ire of the crowd, and says he can't stand the WWE or its fans for that matter. He asks if we care that he screwed WWE fans, and says he has more important things to do with his time. He says he is a respected billionaire, and has been vilified by the WWE, the media, and wrestling fans in the past week. He introduces a clip of the preview screen with the halo on Vince's head and devil horns on Kroenke's hand. That brings out Vince with the power walk, and big grin on his face. You can tell Vince is going to have some fun at this. Albeit at the expense of our entertainment. Vince says tonight he announces the formation of a new professional basketball league. He says it will rival the NBA, and be known as the XBA. Vince says unfortunately it will be a miserable and total failure because he's going to have Kroenke's staff run it. Vince goes on to say this didn't have to happen if Kroenke had just called and said "Vince I didn't think my team was going to make the playoffs and now we have a problem. You've got a date here in my building, and can you help me out." Vince says since that didn't happen we're going to have a little fun. Vince says therefore the fun continues tonight. Vince says lets talk about Kroenke's name. E. Stanley Kroenke. He says he doesn't trust anyone with a first initial for a name. Vince says he did some research and the E stands for Enos, and asks how his parents could have done this to him. Vince says that's what he is. He's an Enos. Oh brilliant, how old are you Vince? Making fun of his name. Vince realizes that Enos rhymes with Venus, and then says he thought he was going to say something else. That it rhymed with Genius. But we know that's not the case because he's an imbecile. Vince says the problem is he has a terminal case of Enos Envy. Vince says all that matters is that he disrespected WWE fans, and quite frankly he thinks he can push around WWE Universe. Vince says the problem is when he pushes WWE Universe around they push back. With that Vince shoves Kroenke out of the ring, and starts to head out. The Miz comes out, and says with all due respect because he wouldn't dream of interrupting Vince. He says he has something very important to say to WWE fans. Miz says we all know he became a huge TV star in Los Angeles. He brings up the Lakers and says everyone in the building thinks will be NBA champions. But Miz says its time for a reality check, because he is from the city where the real future NBA Champs are from. Miz reveals a LeBron jersey, and says they may be down 2-1 but the Cavs will overcome the odds and win it all. That's because LeBron is just like the Miz and that's awesome. Miz says Cena is an overrated, phony, poser. Kinda like Kobe Bryant. He says in the 5 on 5 main event he will run John Cena out of this town just like Kobe did Shaq, and it will be more painful than Magic Johnson's talk show. He says Miz will go to 6-0 over Cena, because WWE is where The Miz happens. That brings out Cena with no music or fan fare, but he gets jumped by Legacy before he can even get to the ring. Batista comes out to make the save with spinebusters for Rhodes, Dibiase, and Miz. Big Show runs in to attack Batista and Cena, but Jerry Lawler (in purple and gold attaire) waddles out for a save only to get shoved away by Show. Batista and Cena are back up to clothesline Show to the floor as we head to break.

WWE Diva's Championship: Kelly Kelly vs. Maryse ©
This might not be the most technically pleasing match ever, but it will certainly be the easiest on the eyes. Maryse hits a backbreaker for a two count, and then slams Kelly face first into the mat. Kelly reverses a whip to the corner, and follows Maryse in with a clothesline. Kelly hits another clothesline, and then hits a springboard elbow. Dropkick by Kelly gets a two count, and then they roll around a bit. Maryse bails to the floor, and Kelly goes out after her getting caught with a boot. Maryse puts Kelly on the announce table, and then shoves her into the lap of JR and Cole. The ref calls for the DQ for reasons I can't quite fathom at 2:49, and Kelly attacks after the bell as you can hear a pin drop in the arena. Wow, that was absolutely brutal.
Winner: Kelly Kelly (Disqualfication-Use of Announce Table? -**)

-The Bellas walk through the locker room with Jack Nicholson, but run into Goldust. Goldust says he's a huge fan, and introduces him to Hornswoggle. Goldust busts out the tourettes for old time sake, and says he got electrocuted a few years back but he's fine now. He says they've been taking acting lessons, and now they're going re-enact "A Few Good Men." They do the courtroom scene (horribly of course) and hilarity ensues. This was actually probably a lot funnier than it seems if you're just reading this.

-Recap of Flair confronting Orton last week.

-Flair is in the locker room where he runs into Batista. Flair tells him not to even say it. He's going to go out there and call Randy Orton out, and he's going to "beat his butt." Batista asks if it has to be tonight, because he's going to take Orton out in the cage in two weeks and he should call him out then. Flair is all like I'm Ric Flair damnit, and I'll call him out when I want to. He tells Batista if he doesn't like it he doesn't have to watch it.

Triple Threat Match: Matt Hardy vs. William Regal vs. Kofi Kingston
This would be for a US Title Shot next week on Raw. Kofi attacks Matt and sends him to the floor, before getting met by Regal who delivers a series of knees to Kofi in the corner. Regal whips Kofi to the buckle and delivers a forearm. Regal connects with a European uppercut, and then charges into Kofi's knees. Kofi hits kind of a combination codebreaker-monkeyflip, and then delivers a side Russian legsweep. He hits the ropes only to get tripped up by Hardy who is still on the floor. Kofi turns around and runs into a double clothesline with Regal knocking both men out. Hardy runs in and tries a pin on both guys getting two counts on each. Hardy slams Kofi into the buckle, and then whips Kofi to the other side as MVP walks out and we head to break. Back from commercial and Regal has Kofi caught in a full nelson. Regal hits a throw off the full nelson, and goes for a cover. Matt breaks it up with a sunset flip on Regal for two. Regal comes back with a right hand on Hardy, but gets caught by Kofi with a shoulderblock. Matt fires Regal to the floor, and then hits a swinging neckbreaker on Kofi. Regal breaks up the count at two, and locks a crossface half nelson on Kofi. Kofi fights out and delivers a few European uppercuts. Matt comes back to the fray with a clothesline to Kofi, but Regal attacks Matt going for the injured arm. Matt bails to the floor, and Regal then backdrops Kofi to the apron. Kofi heads to the top rope delivering a missile dropkick. Matt breaks up the count at two, but Kofi answers with a stunner. Kofi hits a dropkick on Matt, and then a jumping clothesline. Double legdrop connects by Kofi on Matt for a two count, and then hops to the top rope. Regal pulls him off and hits an exploder suplex, but turns into a side effect from Hardy for two. Matt delivers the side effect to Kofi for two, and then goes for a twist of fate on Regal. Regal counters into a back suplex, and then goes for the running knee on Kofi. Kofi hits trouble in paradise on Regal, but Matt breaks up the count at two. Kofi then hits trouble in paradise on Matt to pick up the win at 9:46. Probably the best match on Raw in weeks, and certainly the only bright spot on this show thus far.
Winner: Kofi Kingston (Pins Hardy-Trouble in Paradise ***)

-Ric Flair is out to confront Randy Orton. Flair says Orton sucker punched him last week, and had his way with him. Flair says he hasn't lost sight of that moment, and all week long he's been thinking. He's Ric Flair, he's a sixteen World Champion, and Orton's the current World Champion. Flair says there's no shame in Orton beating him up, but he just wants to see Orton do it to him face to face. He tells Orton not to be afraid of him, but to be afraid of what would happen if he can't do it again. Orton comes out and asks Flair what he actually thinks will happen if he gets into the ring if he gets in the ring and fights him. Orton says he'd love to do it, and he should beat him down on principle alone. But he won't, not because he has respect for him, but last week he lowered himself to punching a sixty year old man. Flair loses it and interrupts him saying do it again, but Orton says he's not Chris Jericho and says its over for Flair. Orton says six years ago in Evolution it was over then, and Triple H only kept him around because he felt sorry him. Orton says he's starting to feel sorry for him, and all of these people are starting to feel sorry for him. Orton tells him again that its over, but that gets him a slap from Flair. Orton attacks but gets chased off by Batista. Flair runs around like a crazed old man who just found out they ran out of meatloaf at the nursing home cafeteria. Orton tells Batista it was a smart move to save Flair, because after he beats him in the cage it will be over for him too. That brings out…Kennedy??? Kennedy tells Orton he looks kind of surprised, and asks him if he thought this was over. Kennedy tells him its just beginning because tonight marks the official return of a man who will very shortly be WWE Champion. Kennedy says he will also be the final man in the five on five main event tonight, and that man is known as Mr. Kennedy…

…Kennedy!

Mixed Tag Team Match: Santino Marella & Mickie James vs. Chavo Guerrero & Beth Phoenix
The winners of the match will get to pick the stipulation in the highly anticipated Vickie Guerrero-Santina Marella rematch for the Miss Wrestlemania crown at Extreme Rules. Santino starts out with Chavo who attacks Santino from behind at the bell. Chavo hits a pair of European upper cuts, and then a back suplex for two. Chavo chokes out Santino on the second rope, and then slams Santino into the buckle. Beth chokes out Santino in the corner, but Chavo's splash misses. Beth tags in, so that brings in Mickie who delivers a forearm. Mickie hits a pair of low dropkicks for two as Chavo makes the save. Chavo dives Santino who pulls the ropes down sending him to the floor. Mickie hits a crucifix on Beth, and that gets the pin at 1:37. Vickie comes out with her sash and crown, and congratulates Santino on his victory. He tells him that before he picks the match stipulation at Extreme Rules that she's not worried about it. She says Chavo will officially be in her corner. Santino says he has several ideas in his head. A leaning tower of pizza pepperoni match, and a pasta primavera on a pole match. His choice though is a hog pen match. He gives a few pig noises, and tells Vickie she's gonna be with the pigs. Apparently Triple H wants people to forget about his epic Hog Pen match 14 years ago.
Winners: Santino Marella & Mickie James (Mickie pins Beth-Crucifx ½*)

-Big Show tells Miz he doesn't like him, and that no one does. He tells him that if he wants to mix it up with Cena that's fine, but he doesn't pin him. In fact no one will pin John Cena. He says at Extreme Rules he will make Cena tap out. As Show walks away Miz mocks him saying "just like you did at Judgment Day." Show turns around and asks if he said something, and Miz cowers saying no.

Goldust & Hornswoggle vs. The Brian Kendrick & Festus
The Colons are out on commentary for this epic matchup. Festus comes out with a Clippers jersey, and I'm not sure if that garners him face or heel heat in LA. Festus starts the match with Hornswoggle…yes you read that right. Hornswoggle seems to confuse Festus which draws the ire of Kendrick. He tags himself into the match, and shoves down Hornswoggle. Kendrick hits a very small package, har har, for a two count. He follows that up with a low dropkick. Hornswoggle comes back with a DDT, and tags in Goldust. Clothesline and inverted atomic drop meets Kendrick, but after an upper cut Kendrick hits a dropkick. Kendrick asks for a tag from Festus who refuses so Kendrick slaps him. Festus goes nuts going after Kendrick, and he runs away right into a powerslam from Goldust. Hornswoggle hits the tadpole splash, and Goldust hits the final cut which finishes things at 2:14. Afterward with Festus back in his transe Kendrick grabs a chair and heads into the ring. Kendrick goes to blast Festus with it, but Primo rings the bell which wakes up Festus so Kendrick bails to the back. Not much of a match, and some of you folks that take this stuff too seriously will bitch about Hornswoggle getting offense on Kendrick, but damn if this wasn't hilarious.
Winners: Goldust & Hornswoggle (Goldust pins Kendrick-Final Cut *)

Ten Man Tag Team Match: "The Denver Nuggets" vs. "The Los Angeles Lakers"
WWE is going all the way with this giving us NBA Style Introductions, so I might as well too. The Special Guest Ring Announcer is the Lakers PA guy. If they really wanted to go the NBA route the heels shouldn't have had entrance music, but hey they can't get it all right.

Denver Nuggets
PG-1-The Miz
SG-5-Cody Rhodes
SF-4-Ted Dibiase
C-99-The Big Show
PF-15-Randy Orton

Los Angeles Lakers
PG-24-Montel Vontavious Porter
SG-48-Jerry "The King" Lawler
SF-4-Mr. Kennedy
PF-54-John Cena
C-7-Batista

Okay enough with that, and for those of you scoring at home the entrances took roughly 12 minutes. Batista comes out in full basketball uniform, and even carrying a ball which does in fact proves that basketball does not hold a grudge. For those of you who frequent the wrestlecrap forums this will likely result in a 30 page photoshop thread by this time tomorrow. Lawler starts the match with Cody, and delivers a bodyslam. Tag to Batista who fires Cody into the corner, and delivers a pair of shoulderblocks. Irish whip to the corner is followed up by a clothesline from Batista. Batista continues the assault with a boot to the face, and then tags in MVP who continues the assault on Cody in the corner. MVP connects with a series of forearms, but a backdrop attempt is blocked by a boot to the face. Cody hits a running forearm, and then pulls MVP to the Nuggets corner tagging in Dibiase. Dibiase hits the ropes and runs into a backdrop, but Dibiase had tagged Orton who comes in with his inverted backbreaker sending MVP to the floor. Show delivers a shot on the floor, and fires MVP inside allowing Orton to cover for two. Orton grabs a chinlock as we head to break. Back from commercial and Dibiase has MVP locked in a rear chinlock. MVP counters with a chinbuster, but Dibiase tags in Miz who stops MVP from tagging. Miz grabs a chinlock, but an attempted irish whip is reversed and Miz runs into a throw. Kennedy tags in and delivers a clothesline. Kennedy hits a roundhouse kick for two, and sets up for the Green Bay Plunge. Orton distracts the referee allowing Priceless to pull him from the ring and fire him into the barricade. Back inside Miz covers for a two count, and then fires Kennedy back into the heel corner tagging in Orton. Orton delivers a pair of his signature stomps to the gut, and then drops a knee on the face of Kennedy for two. Show tags in and delivers a huge headbutt. Bodyslam from Show is followed by an elbow drop for two. Show delivers a forearm to the back, and then a chop. Cody tags in who delivers a few right hands before tagging in Dibiase. He delivers a right hand and tags Cody back in who covers for a one count. Miz tags in and drops a leg on Kennedy before grabbing a reverse chinlock. Dibiase tags in and covers for two after the heels work over Kennedy in the corner. Dibiase grabs a reverse chinlock which makes it roughly the 391st chinlock of the bout. Kennedy elbows out, but runs into a clothesline from Dibiase. Tag to Orton who delivers a boot to the gut and covers for two. Orton grabs, wait for it, a reverse chinlock. This time mixing it up a bit by locking in a bodyscissors as well. Orton sends Kennedy for the ride and delivers a dropkick, but Batista makes the save at two. Orton grabs ANOTHER chinlock, but Kennedy quickly suplexes out of it. Finally Kennedy makes the hot tag to Cena, as Cody tags in as well. Two shoulderblocks and a protoplex meet Cody, and then Cena tags in MVP. They hit a double team Five Knuckle Shuffle/Ballin' elbow combination on Cody. Lawler comes in with "VINTAGE KING" delivering a right hand sending Miz to the floor. MVP hits the playmaker on Cody to pick up the pin at 16:03. Dibiase attacks from behind with Dream Street, but Kennedy hits him with a mic check. Orton hits an RKO on Kennedy, but Batista attacks with a Batista Bomb. Show makes the save, but Cena is in and he and Batista deliver a double suplex on Show. Match was pretty boring until the finish, and it even seemed a little rushed. Maybe the fact that anyone who has watched wrestling for more than 20 minutes could pick the winner was part of that. To the surprise of absolutely no one the show ends with the Lakers celebrating.
Winners: The Lakers (MVP pins Rhodes-Playmaker **)

-Okay, so here's the deal, because this was a weird show. The main event was what it was, but did nothing to really advance the main storylines of the show. The opening segment was a classic example of Vince being Vince, so I'll throw that out because we all knew it was coming. They used the end of it to set up the main event so its somewhat excusable even if it took 15 minutes to get to the point. The triple threat was really good. We got the return of Mr. Kennedy which if he can stay healthy is a good thing even if the guy is pretty much the Mark Prior of the WWE. The main problem with this show is that because of a petty grudge they took their two most important hours of programming and wasted it away to stroke Vince's ego. Strangely entertaining in a perverse kind of way, but in no way cures what ills this show.