A Brace for Impact 06.04.09

Posted by Chris Lansdell on 06.05.2009

It's funny. I was just discussing the difficulties of reviewing good shows, and how mediocre ones are the easiest...and lo and behold, a mediocre show! At least we have Cook along to make it interesting...

Greetings, humanity! Welcome to A Brace for Impact, where two 411mania writers give you their real-time thoughts on the show as it happens. I'm your host Chris Lansdell, and each week a special guest will be joining me. Before we get to the guest, I've noticed from the comments section that some people don't seem to get the column, while some love it. Let me explain a few things about A Brace for Impact:

This is not a play-by-play report. Harrison used to do a fine job of that, but this week Byers will. This is more along the lines of the multi-person Instant Analysis we do for PPVs, but more spontaneous.

This is not meant to be a non-stop laugh-fest. It's to give you some insight into the thought process of the writers, which is especially important when it comes to a show like Impact which is often maligned.

The chat comments will be genuine, off-the-cuff remarks around the match. At the end we talk ABOUT the match. With that said, here's this week's co-host...

STEVE COOK and his bottle of bourbon!

BANNER!



Lansdell: You know, in the UK bourbon is a type of cookie
Cook: I like cookies
Lansdell: Chocolate, with chocolate cream in the middle
Cook: Ah, like the Kongtourage
Lansdell: Only tasty and good to put in your mouth
Cook: IMPACT NEXT
Lansdell: Ready to CROSS THE LINE?
Cook: Not if it involves Mick Foley, a midget and a wheel. Shane Douglas does resemble Ricky Gervais, doesn't he?
Lansdell: Holy shit, he DOES
Cook: Obviously Shane doesn't watch the show, not knowing Abyss's girlfriend
Lansdell: Let's start by showing that our own talent don't watch the show!
Cook: Well, if wrestlers ever watched their own shows, a lot of misunderstandings would be avoided
Lansdell: Not to mention swerves
Cook: And we can't have that

Kiyoshi and Sheik Abdul Bashir vs Daniels and Suicide

Cook: Yay Evil Foreigners!
Lansdell: In goofy gear!
Cook: What's with this trend of having matches early in the show? Did somebody fall asleep at the wheel?
Lansdell: Second week in a row! I don't know whose idea it is, but giove them a raise!
Cook: And I assume Kazarian is healthy enough to be Suicide again
Lansdell: Seems to be Kaz.
Cook: 6 Hour Power is sponsoring the ring...so many jokes to be had
Lansdell: Let's leave them for the lesser sites
Cook: You know, for a guy who's been out of TNA for a couple of years, Daniels has looked fresh and crisp during his return.
Lansdell: It's all that curry, man. It's like he never left.
Cook: Watching Abdul Bashir in the ring makes me wonder...whatever happened to Muhammad Hassan?
Lansdell: Didn't he move to LA to try and get into acting?
Cook: Yeah, but it's been a long time since I've heard anything
Lansdell: Maybe you haven't heard anything because he sucks
Cook: I liked Hassan for the two months he was in WWE
Lansdell: I love how they are having West constantly say that Suicide is not Daniels
Cook: Don West is an intelligent man. Bashir hurts his ankle, WHEN WILL THE HATRED AND BIGOTRY END
Lansdell: Is the attack on Suicide not grounds for a DQ?
Cook: GERVAIS!
Lansdell: ANOTHER run in?

Winners: Sheik Abdul Bashir and Suicide via pinfall (Kiyoshi on Daniels, Shane Douglas chain shot to the head)

Cook: **. Started out good, but I don't know what all happened at the end there. Much like certain 411 writers, TNA tends to go too fast and try to do 45 things at once.

Lansdell: You know, without the massive amounts of run-in and nonsensical ignoring of a 4-on-1 beatdown by the ref, this would have been a good match. Alas, it had those things, so it wasn't. *½ is about it

Shane Douglas speaks!

Lansdell: So Douglas says he's a huge fan of TNA. A huge fan who has no idea who the backstage interviewer is.
Cook: You know you're washed up when you can't even do a run-in without blowing up. He needs a chair to cut his promo.
Lansdell: At least he's been given an angle that makes sense. He also looks like Hugh Morrus
Cook: Now, anyway. Last week I didn't have a damn clue what he was doing.
Lansdell: Nobody did, but that's not unusual
Samoa Steve: He wants a second chance? Doesn't he know that sometimes goodbye is a second chance
Lansdell: Tell his mother, tell his father he's doing the best he can

JB with Foley

Cook: Wow, Borash can read
Lansdell: Did Foley just compare a title to a period? That's great.
Cook: If his wife has a period once a year...I envy him.
Lansdell: I'm amazed they addressed the 30-day issue that I mentioned last week
Cook: Am I the only one who needed a minute to figure out that was Kip James?
Lansdell: I knew, I just wish I didn't
Cook: And who the hell's Dixie?
Lansdell: Carter?
Cook: Is she a character now?
Lansdell: They mention her. So that Nash thing was fairly interesting
Cook: What does the survivor chick see in Nash anyway?
Lansdell: Who knows
Cook: I'd be better with Foley & Nash as the announce team than with Foley & Nash as main eventers
Lansdell: You are not alone there, but that whole segment was good. I was going to ask why Nash would agree to the match, and now they addressed that. And Kip was the least annoying he's been in years.

Consequences Creed and Chris Sabin vs Beer! Money!

Cook: So when does Consequences meet the same fate as Apollo?
Lansdell: Getting killed by a Russian?
Cook: Yes
Lansdell: Maybe that's why they haven't signed Alex Kozlov!
Cook: Damn the man
Lansdell: Wait, did I just spoil Rocky II? Or was it III?
Cook: It was IV, you insolent fool!
Lansdell: BEER!
Cook: MONEY! And anybody who's anybody has seen the Rocky movies, so you're spoiling nothing
Lansdell: I haven't. I hate boxing.
Cook: God, what HAVE you seen?
Lansdell: Boy, that Beer Money face turn was well done. Very subtle
Cook: Yeah. Wait, when was the actual turn?
Lansdell: Exactly
Cook: Well, you know there aren't heels and faces anymore anyway. Shades of grey, my good man
Lansdell: Especially in Russo land. Everyone is a tweener
Cook: So how about this tag team wrestling stuff? Think it'll catch on?
Lansdell: It's just a fad
Cook: Likely. Like UFC & Ninja Turtles.
Lansdell: Man, West is on fire tonight
Cook: Somebody should put him out then.
Lansdell: Oh look, a run-in.
Cook: MORE EVIL FOREIGNERS. And 3D hates the British!
Lansdell: Drinking While Investing...love it
Cook: Isn't that what got the American economy in the shape it's in?
Lansdell: No, that was all Bush's fault, he held a gun to the banks and lenders and made them give mortgages... Wait, this isn't the politics zone!
Cook: I thought Cheney held the gun while Bush sat in the car and stuck his tongue out at them

Winners: Beer Money Inc via pinfall (Roode on Creed, DWI)

Lansdell: ANOTHER match with 5 people running in. Are they trying to break a record for people shown on TV in one episode? For the 4 guys who were in there, this was surprisingly average and fairly disjointed. Let's say ** and call it even.

Cook: It felt like the first match, except with different moves and the faces going over. So it gets the same thing I gave the first match, which was **

Victoria, err Tara beaten down by the Beautiful People

Cook: Uh oh, the ho's getting beat down! Or not. Tara? Who the hell's that?
Lansdell: So now she's Tara? Lisa Marie wouldn't work?
Cook: Presley has the name copyrighted.
Lansdell: It's not that Tara is a bad name...it just doesn't seem to fit, you know?
Cook: Ah, TNA in British Columbia! You should make the trip, it's in your country.
Lansdell: Yup, and Anchorage is in yours
Cook: Well why would I go to Alaska, silly?
Lansdell: Same reason I would traverse the second-biggest country on earth
Cook: Only reason I can think of is that if Palin and her family's any indication, the women are easy.....oh wait a minute this isn't the political zone!
Lansdell: Interesting that they let Victoria, sorry Tara, take down three women by herself
Cook: Well, you have to remember one key thing, young Chrisifeld....Tara was in the WWE. So she is better than anybody who's only ever been on TNA television. I know this because the Internet & TNA tell me so.
Lansdell: And she gets a title shot without ever having a match, because she is a former WWE champion and therefore clearly better than any TNA contender.
Cook: Damn right. We believe in handouts here in America. Why do you think we keep bailing out the car companies?

Lauren with Daffney

Cook: Oh, I love me some Daffney.
Lansdell: She's such an awesome crazy chick
Cook: And crazy chicks are the best.
Lansdell: Seriously that one promo just made me love this whole angle
Cook: I was already on board with anything involving Daffney
Lansdell: She just took it up a notch though, selling just how bananas she is.

JB with the Mafia

Lansdell: I hate these sit down interviews
Cook: Riddle me this, Batman. Why is the leader of the group standing in the background while everybody else sits down?
Lansdell: Because they only had 5 chairs?
Cook: At least they don't have to worry as much about Joe now with all his injuries.
Lucky guys.
Lansdell: I'm not entirely sure why Tenay had to be there for that
Cook: Yeah, we didn't even get any classic Tenay reaction shots. Boourns, I say.
Lansdell: Joe's injuries were after this show was taped, right?
Cook: Yes, but I don't remember reading how they happened. Unless I missed a news bite
Lansdell: At least this time, they let everyone speak. Too often they bring out the whole MEM and only Nash and Angle say anything.

Daffney vs Taylor Wilde

Cook: Do they need to remind us of the Governor?
Lansdell: Not to mention show the released Roxxi?
Cook: What kind of a person chokeslams their therapist? On thumbtacks, no less?
Lansdell: What kind of person pretends to be a therapist? On national TV no less?
Cook: Oh..........my god. Sorry, I can't argue this at the moment
Lansdell: Calm down Cook, it's good music I know but it's not worth an orgasm
Cook: OK, as I was gonna say. Are you questioning Dr. Stevie's credentials? He's a professional therapist.
Lansdell: CATFIGHT! Damn she hit those steps HARD
Cook: This match does mix my two favorite types of lady wrestlers: the fake blonde hottie and the pale goth hottie
Lansdell: Hey look, it's an ECW reunion. Only with less psycho fans.
Cook: It's nice of Dr. Stevie & Raven to come down and lend Daffney moral support
See, he didn't touch her!
Lansdell: Taylor Wilde really has fallen from grace.
Cook: Moss-covered three handle family grudenza!
Lansdell: DAMMIT I was just typing that!
Cook: So was Csonka. You know, I like Raven & Stevie reuniting, but I wouldn't say it was a wet dream of mine
Lansdell: You lie. You beat off to Raven constantly. Ahhh, Raven talking. How I missed it.
Cook: The foulest thing Abyss has ever put down his throat....that's covering some ground, folks
Lansdell: He said Abyss, not Bayani

Winner: Daffney via pinfall (Lobotomy)

Lansdell: Not a bad little women's match, but the emphasis is on little. Daffney is miles better than she was in WCW, and showed off some of that ability here. 2-3 minutes more and it might even have been a good match. As it stands, we're hovering right at *3/4

Cook: I know everybody will hate my star rating for this match because everybody is ultra serious about stars and whatnot on the Internets, but Daffney's outfit makes this match......A MILLION BILLION STARS. And I will hear no debate on this matter.

Video pakcage on Jarrett and EY

Cook: A video look at the friendship between JJ & EY!
Lansdell: Next on Hallmark!
Cook: *sniff* If only JJ hadn't called him back in the ring. Not a smart man, that Jarrett.
Lansdell: After the numerous start-stop pushes we've seen for EY, it's hard to buy this one as the real deal
Cook: Well, at least he's ditching the goofy stuff completely, or so it seems right now. He was good early on as being kinda goofy, but then he just got too goofy, you know what I mean?
Lansdell: I do, but they've already made him Serious Eric. They did that last year when Hall no-showed
Cook: Well, that came out of left field and was totally random
Lansdell: And again when the Front Line formed
Cook: Well, nobody really bought into the Front Line
Lansdell: They've done a good job modifying Eric's look too, he looks serious now
Cook: Uh oh, he's got daddy issues
Lansdell: A more harsh crowd would be starting the emo chants right about now
Cook: Indeed. Last I heard, Jeff & Jerry weren't on the best of terms.
Lansdell: Wow, this is pretty damn serious stuff. Who knew EY had this in him?
Cook: EY's claims about TNA revolving around Jeff were a lot more valid a few years ago
Uh oh, he's playing the daughters card! That'll catch him a beating
Lansdell: It's good that Young didn't get punked out in that brawl though.
Cook: Indeed. In any event, it was nice to see some seriousness out of Young. I have hope for him yet.

Jesse Neal vs Matt Morgan (and video package)

Cook: Woah, the soldier dude's still around?
Lansdell: And about to debut
Cook: I assumed they forgot about that stuff. SHOCKING!
Lansdell: They must have hired a continuity guy
Cook: Hopefully he' ll last longer than the WWE guy
Lansdell: Oh WWE still has one, they just forgot they hired him.
Cook: That's not a good hairstyle. Also, he's about to die.
Lansdell: I wonder if Aeropostale paid for that product placement on Neal?
Cook: I wonder if Chris Masters will take his entrance back when he returns to WWE.
Lansdell: That was somewhat similar, although Merlin wants his cloak back.
Cook: Now, what kind of a nickname is "Petty Officer"?
Lansdell: "Look at us! WWE gives free tickets, we let them wrestle!"
Cook: His ring attire needs work too. Is this what they've been paying Rhino to do all these months?
Lansdell: Wouldn't you give him, like, Doug Williams? Someone who can carry him? Instead of a guy like Morgan who's just going to obliterate him?
Cook: Dougie was too busy killing the redneck last week Morgan can literally carry just about anybody, but not in the sense you use the term.
Lansdell: Morgan is incredible. A dropkick from a guy that size?
Cook: It's hard to doubt his athletic ability, and he just finished the Petty Officer.

Winner: Matt Morgan via pinfall (Carbon Footprint and shocking surprise...)

Lansdell: Well I guess the Petty Officer didn't look horrible getting killed. ½*

Cook: A full * because I'm feeling generous. Think they'll do something big with Morgan soon, or is this leading to a feud with Rhino that probably won't do anything for him?

ODB trains Deaner

Cook: BUCKSNORT~!
Lansdell: The redneck lives!
Cook: Damn, I thought Doug finished him off
Lansdell: I wish
Cook: Rocky Balboa, he ain't
Lansdell: That was...something

JB with the Mafia

Cook: Booker & Steiner had an easy night
Lansdell: Sounds like that will change next week. A First Blood Gauntlet match? Ohhh Russo...
Cook: I'm just wondering which character Booker's trying to do this week, and how hot are they going to get wearing those suits in Florida during the summer months?
Lansdell: At least they'll have a pig roast!
Cook: That's no way to talk about Sharmell!

Lethal Lockdown King of the Mountain Qualifying match – Kevin Nash vs Samoa Joe

Cook: Don't you love Nash's titantron video?
Lansdell: Dixietron. But it's certainly nirvana for minimalists.
Cook: Sounds like a porn movie
Lansdell: Eevrything does to you
Cook: My life is a porn movie.
Lansdell: They make some freaky porn these days man...
Cook: I wonder who Joe was talking to
Lansdell: The towel isn't a giveaway?
Cook: Kane?Iisn't he on another show?
Lansdell: No, it's clearly Darth Sidious
Cook: I haven't seen somebody swing a cane like that since Csonka sent everybody that video from his bedroom
Lansdell: Didn't their mothers tell them not to play with sticks?
Cook: Nash's mother is 98 years old, she's not telling anybody anything now
Lansdell: Nash may be old, but he can still perform OK in this style of match
Cook: Maybe they should have had the petty officer in a lethal lockdown match
Lansdell: I 'm just wondering when he will face Bashir. You know Russo is planning it
Cook: Probably in July. Whatever show they have then now, I can't keep track
Lansdell: I fear you are correct. I also fear Bashir will do some rather unclean things.
Cook: Matches with trash can lids are always fun. More out of shape man to use a cane: Joe or Sandman?
Lansdell: Tough call. Sandman by a deep-fried Mars bar.
Cook: In any event, Nash is dead.
Lansdell: Surprising that it was so one-sided. I mean Joe HAD to win, but that was a killing
Cook: Yeah, and I'm being told that Nash actually jobbed to somebody twice in a row. Is he ok?

Winner: Samoa Joe via pinfall

Cook: It was the most one-sided cage match I've seen since Batista vs. Cody Rhodes. Joe > Batista & Nash > Rhodes. **1/2. Nash says he's in the best shape of his career, and it's tough to argue that.

Lansdell: This was a good match, the best I've seen from Nash in a long time. I guess when most of the match is swinging weapons it's easier to look good. The right man went over, and looked strong in doing so, so we'll go **3/4

Final Thoughts

Cook: I can't say this show was as fun of a train wreck as last week's was, but it was better than spoilers indicated. Matches weren't offensively bad, though I can't say I'll remember too much about them a week from now. All the angles moved on at an acceptable rate, and outside the ten people running in on the first too matches, nothing really offended me on the show. Plus, there was Daffney in a hot goth outfit. Yabba Dabba Doo.

Lansdell: You know, it wasn't a bad show. The in-ring work, while not horrible, was never memorable. We got decent story movement, even if we DO have to put up with a Russo special next week in the First Blood gauntlet match. What really stood out for me this week was both the promo work by everyone and just how good Don West was at playing the snarky heel. He's really turned himself 180 degrees since his turn. With the PPV a little ways off I guess this was the episode they needed, but I wouldn't have minded something more substantial in the way of matches, preferably with fewer run-ins.

That's it, folks! Next week I'll be incorporating any tweets you send to @lansdellicious into the column! That's right, follow me for your own chance to be immortalised in the most unique show recap column in the IWC. Until next time, Stay Cool, Rock Hard.

Lansdellicious – Out.