2 RAW. 2 Furious 06.08.09

Posted by Chris Lansdell on 06.09.2009

The debut of a semi-regular Raw review featuring the always-insightful Ryan Byers and the ever-eager Chris Lansdell! Come on in!

Greetings, humanity! Welcome to the inaugural edition of a non-regular feature: 2 Raw, 2 Furious. It's almost the Brace for Impact format, only with more of the interaction and less of the segmentation. But enough idle chit chat...let's get to the show!

What's that? No, there's no banner. Yet.

Batista celebrates…briefly

Lansdell: Hi Byers!
Byers: Hello.
Lansdell: Here comes the walking wounded
Byers: Well, here comes a title change I don't understand for the life of me.
Lansdell: That was the most anti-climactic cage match ever. Do you realise it's been well over 3 years, possibly 4, since Batista was a heel?
Byers: I hadn't done the math, but it doesn't surprise me.
Lansdell: Was it Mania 21 where he beat HHH?
Byers: Yes.
Lansdell: 4 plus then. The turn started right after the Rumble that year.
Lansdell: He hears voice in his head. He also looks like he needs more Metamucil
Byers: That shirt is pretty tight. He's storing some stuff.
Lansdell: Dude is clenching! That's disturbing. So is this where Legacy put him out of action?
Byers: Could well be.
Lansdell: They're going for the arm, so I'd say yes. "Steel chair to the spine, right to the arm!" Hey Cole? Anatomy FAIL.
Byers: Pillmanize it? A-yup.
Lansdell: Boy Batista sure is popular in the back Look at all his face friends rushing to his aid!
Byers: MVP, Kofi, Cena …all pretty lousy friends.
Lansdell: Rey...
Byers: Wrong show.
Lansdell: Like it maters.
Byers: They've actually kept it up better than I thought they would over the last couple of months.
So do they do an actual match or tournament or battle royale to fill the vacant title, or does Vickie just award it to Orton?
Lansdell: I love tournaments. Excitement, tension, underdogs…
Byers: The only problem with them in this day and age is that no WWE brand has enough talent to do one in which more than two guys would have a legit shot at winning.
Lansdell: Those have to be the most unconvincing groans ever. He sounds like he's in a hotel room with Melina.
Byers: "Please get my title?" Not, "please, call my wife?"
Lansdell: Or "Get someone to pick up my car"? Of course, his wife would be watching
Byers: "Fucking murder Randy Orton for me?" I suppose his wife is part of the WWE Universe.

A match! Kofi Kingston vs William Regal

Lansdell: Hey, Kofi beat Jericho? When did he become IC champ?
Byers: A couple of years ago…not all that long after his debut.
Lansdell: Someone should tell Lillian that he's actually US champion now.
Byers: Oh, you were joking about Lillian screwing up the introduction. I honestly wasn't even paying attention to her. And I was further confused by the fact that, once upon a time, Kofi really did beat Jericho for the IC Title.
Lansdell: Did I just see a somersault senton from Regal?
Byers: Something like that.
Lansdell: That man is just concentrated awesome. Kofi, however, is the next Shelton.
Byers: I don't know . . . Kofi has a personality.
Lansdell: He's a bit too botch-prone though.
Byers: People forgive that. Just ask Rob Van Dam.
Lansdell: Or Jeff Hardy.

Rating: **½ I stand by my comparison of Kofi and Shelton: exciting to watch, capable of ridiculous feats of athleticism, but also showing a disturbing tendency to screw them up. I'm still trying to come to terms with William Regal doing a standing somersault senton. A nice little match that established Kofi as a stronger champion.

Cena-Miz hype

Byers: I like how the Cena/Miz match is "Cena's opportunity."
Lansdell: I wonder if he'll come to the ring with a shovel?
Byers: Never know, we might be surprised. It's time to either end the Miz "streak" gimmick or turn it in to a real feud, though. It's gone on long enough.
Lansdell: I'm not sure how we turn it into a feud without involving Show, which rather continues the Cena-Show feud. Unless Show attacks Miz, causing the DQ?
Byers: I don't know what good a Show face turn would do at this point.
Lansdell: OK, he nails Miz, throws him out of the way, then beats down Cena
Byers: I also can't imagine the Cena/Show feud continuing. At least I pray it doesn't . . . hasn't exactly been setting my world on fire.
Lansdell: With a minor PPV coming up and no obvious feud for Cena except Orton, I hope they keep the Miz thing going through The Bash
Byers: What is the next pay per view? Is it the Bash?
Lansdell: It is. And really, what else can you find for Show to do in 3 weeks?

Match 2: Kelly Kelly vs Maryse

Lansdell: And it's piss break time
Byers: Kelly looks thicker than usual tonight. In the hips and thighs.
Lansdell: She is genuinely beautiful.
Byers: True beauty is on the inside.
Lansdell: Having it on the outside is hardly a bad thing. Maryse too is stunning.
Byers: What kind of tarp is Mickie wearing tonight?
Lansdell: I was going to say burlap. But since this isn't Impact...DAT AZZ
Byers: Remember when Mickie had a unique personality and was, you know, interesting?
Lansdell: Silly Byers, Divas aren't allowed to have a personality! They have boobs!
Byers: Maryse has TONS of personality. Generic look, but TONS of personality.
Lansdell: Yeah but she's a tenth the wrestler Mickie is.
Byers: Definitely.
Lansdell: I don't agree that she's generic...she carries herself so well as an arrogant heel.
Byers: Maryse would've made for a great Sunny-esque manager back when managers existed outside of Tony Atlas.
Lansdell: And that was orders of magnitude better than their last effort. It was even watchable.
Byers: Aside from that horrific bump that Kelly took off the ropes to set up the finish. That was cringe-worthy . . . she tried to catch herself with her arms. What wrestler does that?
Lansdell: Remember her first couple of matches? Kelly, I mean.
Byers: Oh god, Kelly's first matches were atrocious.
Lansdell: She's come a LONG way
Byers: Against Layla of all people.
Lansdell: Her very first was with Ariel, but they're hardly the people I'd choose to start my in-ring career against.
Byers: Wait, we have a three hour Raw next week? Fuck. Those always wind up feeling two hours too long.
Lansdell: And they JUST started pimping it.
Byers: And they wonder why the first hour of those shows always kills the overall rating.
Lansdell: Although historically the last 2 hours have done well
Byers: Right, though they usually have a better hook than "three title matches" . . . draft, King of the Ring, something like that.

Rating: *3/4 These two have had a couple of disastrous outings so this was a welcome change in that it didn't make me want to gouge my eyes out with paper clips. These model-turned-wrestlers need to understand that keeping it simple is the order of the day until they get comfortable. You walk before you run, and so you body slam before you handspring elbow. Maryse ducking Mickie is at least an angle for the women, but as Byers said…remember when Mickie was interesting?

Maryse goads Miz

Byers: MARYSE AND MIZ~! They need a segment together every week. "Let me explain to you something . . ." Awesome.
Lansdell: They are the new Santino and Maria.
Byers: Except Miz now is fifty times the in-ring performer Santino was when he was with Maria.
Lansdell: That's fine, because Maryse is 50 times the wrestler Maria is. Not that that's an accomplishment.

6-Man tag for the ages: Santino Marella, Hornswaggle and Golddust vs THE Brian Kendrick, Jamie Noble and Chavo Guerrero

Lansdell: What. The. Fuck. Oddities 2K9?
Byers: This match will either be epic or an abomination. There will be no in between.
Lansdell: I'm guessing it's Kendrick and two?
Byers: That's the only thing that makes sense with a current storyline.
Lansdell: Chavo and Noble?
Byers: I'd call them the most likely candidates.Hell, looking at the roster page, they're the only two heels aside from Matt Hardy who are available and not already booked in something.
Lansdell: That's sad
Lansdell: I'm intrigued to see who Kendrick ends up with as his partner
Byers: Yup, we've called it.
Lansdell: Now if only I can think of 6 numbers between 1 and 49
Byers: Also in looking at the roster page, I've found another prospect for Kendrick's partner . . .
Sim Snuka! He's still employed and doing nothing.
Lansdell: Except sucking.
Byers: Well, he can't even do that if he's not on TV.
Lansdell: I thought one of the former Edgeheads was on Raw?
Byers: Nope, Smackdown according to the website.
Lansdell: And ECW.
Byers: Right. I figured you knew which one Zach Ryder was since they've actually given him a gimmick now.
Lansdell: Woo woo indeed. Poor Jamie Noble. So talented, and yet so underused.
Byers: Remember when Goldust and Santio were rivals? Apparently they don't.
Lansdell: Has Santino ever looked this good?
Byers: A ) I don't think he looks particularly good and B ) I remember he had a match with Chris Masters when he was a face the first time that was shockingly OK.
Lansdell: I agree, he looked just OK. My point stands. But that Masters match was surprisingly average.
Byers: And, if you grade on a curve, average for Santino is AWESOME.
Lansdell: Maybe Kendrick and Masters? Big and little is a proven formula.
Byers: I did think about that when I read about Masters coming back on board. I wouldn't be opposed to it. Masters started as a slug but became halfway decent right before they let him go.
Lansdell: Depends on what he's done since, I suppose.
Byers: From what I've read, pretty much nothing aside from those international tours that are comprised almost entirely of people who have been cut by WWE in the last five years. (Insert TNA joke here.)

Rating: ** You never knew where to look or what was going to happen with this one. It wasn't horrible but it wasn't good either, and really this nothing angle continues to go nowhere.

Miz vs John Cena

Byers: Do we know if they're actually selling the anti-Cena shirts? Because, if so, they're geniuses and may be able to make some money.
Lansdell: They'd sell millions
Byers: Not as many as the PRO-Cena shirts, but still enough to get some serious cash.
Lansdell: Of course they'd have the entire front row of every show filled with them
Byers: A Tool Time reference? DATED. BURT ABADOO! Whoever he is.
Lansdell: I thought it was apple stew. Miz's armband is win, by the way. Miz 6, Cena 0.
Byers: Oh Christ. They're REALLY keeping this going? Seriously?
Lansdell: One of those days I have to watch the ground behind Show and see if he leaves a trail. So how does Miz spin this one into a win? Did we get an opening bell?
Byers: If we didn't, we might once Show leaves.
Lansdell: WHAM!
Byers: Well, that I didn't expect.
Lansdell: Holy crap, it's psycho Miz!
Byers: Three-way dance at the Bash? That would at least give us something different.
Lansdell: I could go for that If they do that, Miz HAS to win.
Byers: That would be the way to do it. Show actually takes out Cena, Miz steals the pin.
Lansdell: I'd prefer it the other way, Miz pinning Show and claiming a victory over Cena, but your way works too
Byers: I just don't like the idea of Show dropping a fall to somebody who has been so low on the card compared to him . . . I think he should be better protected than that because history has shown us that, if he's not, he loses a lot in the eyes of fans.
Lansdell: While Cena could lose to Hornswaggle and lose nothing
Byers: Exactly.

Rating: NO MATCH There was nothing to rate, but if indeed this segment does lead to a triple threat at The Bash, and if Miz can win it…wow. Great way to build a guy.

Byers: God, MVP needs to be a heel.
Lansdell: He still seems a little forced, but I think he'll grow into being face.
Byers: I'm just so glad that he outlasted Kennedy.
Lansdell: He was clearly the more talented. MVP, that is. Their mic work was comparable but that's it
Byers: Yet some people on the web thought Kennedy was going to be THE guy. I always saw much more in Porter.
Lansdell: People thought Kennedy was next because Vince thought it. And he made smarks laugh.
Byers: Well, there was that.
Lansdell: He does have the prerequisite ridiculous elbow/fist drop. MVP, I mean.
Byers: Still hate that finisher.
Lansdell: I hated it as the O-zone, as the Golden Rule, as whatever Orlando Jordan called it, and I hate it now.
Byers: You forgot the Play of the Day.
Lansdell: Elix Skipper?
Byers: Yup.
Lansdell: Didn't he invent it? Or was that Nova?
Byers: I'm not going to say that anybody "invented" any wrestling move because it's only an inviation for people to try to correct me. But Skipper was the first guy I saw doing it in a nationally televised promotion.
Lansdell: That should hedge your bets sufficiently

Rating: **3/4 Best match of the night, but that's not saying much. There are a lot of midcard guys on Raw who have nothing to do and, really, nowhere to go. Matt Hardy is one of them, and 5 of the 6 guys in the earlier tag match are in the same boat. MVP is on the rise quite clearly, and this win was just a way to tie up a loose end.

Vickie's announcement

Lansdell: So what's Vickie's announcement?
Byers: The only thing that I can think of is that she's stepping down.
Lansdell: To concentrate on her marriage?
Byers: Maybe Edge is getting the show in their divorce.
Lansdell: Are they really making random pig noises?
Byers: I believe so.
Lansdell: God that woman has heat
Byers: She's the second best heel in wrestling today in my book.
Lansdell: Jericho?
Byers: Yup. Edge at three.
Lansdell: If you can find a clip of last night's finish, watch it. Your top 3 are pretty damn strong
Byers: The Punk finish or the Edge/Hardy finish?
Lansdell: Rey-Jericho
Byers: Ah. They just showed it. Looked pretty slick.
Lansdell: But Punk-Hardy was about as perfect as it gets in terms of execution
Byers: We'll see how the follow-up goes. Well, I called that one. She quits.
Lansdell: Indeed you did. Hey look, a Smackdown guy!
Byers: Now the question is does she leave the company, or does she become a character on SD to work with Edge?
Lansdell: Or does Edge come to Raw?
Byers: And is Edge a face now?
Lansdell: By default I think
Byers: Or is Vickie turning face? Huge bitch or not, I would feel really uncomfortable booing Vickie in this promo.
Lansdell: Yes, exactly. Edge is heeling it up and getting cheered. And he wants a divorce?
A) He said that before, months ago, and she did the same thing. B) He said that last night
Byers: Well, most of the people watching tonight didn't see it last night. Shame that they fired Umaga, because Vickie showing up on SD to manage him against a face Edge could be pretty fun.
Lansdell: A simple "Like I told you last night" or "Maybe you weren't listening last night" would have sufficed. And it's 90 days until Joe-Umaga
Byers: I can honestly say that I do not care. Not after watching Joe in that cage match this past Thursday. Nash looked more athletic.
Lansdell: Truth. Sad truth, but truth.
Byers: I actually wonder if Umaga will pick Japan over TNA. That's where he was in between his WWE runs, so he'd have some name recognition.
Lansdell: I don't know, I think the appeal of working with TNA's good big men might call to him
Abyss, Morgan, Hernandez...
Byers: Actually I think he'd be a good addition to ROH if they could get him. He always worked very well with smaller guys and could keep up with them. Umaga/Hardy was great stuff.
Lansdell: Funny because I see Kennedy going there before Umaga
Byers: Oh god.
Lansdell: He's not THAT bad.
Byers: I just can't imagine the number of injuries he'd rack up working a more snug style than WWE's.
Lansdell: There are some safe workers in RoH
Byers: I'd say most of them are safe. In fact, I'd say most of them are safer than Kennedy.
Lansdell: For some reason I just felt it. But personally I'd like to see them both in TNA, if for no other reason than to improve their name value
Byers: Eh. Aside from getting their TV in to more international markets, and, again, I don't know if Kennedy and Umaga are going to do anything there that Angle didn't already do.
Lansdell: Kennedy is over with the internet. He can bring in the fans that TNA have failed to sway...disillusioned hardcore WWE guys. The ones that watched 3-4 years ago, turned off WWE and did not switch to TNA

The Colons vs Priceless

Lansdell: Byers disappeared! Well bollocks. Still, this seems like the start of the Horsemen push for Legacy.
Byers: Technical difficulties abound~! I like these two teams individuall, but they're not doing that well in terms of chemistry.
Lansdell: Agreed. Carlito looks like a new man in this team
Byers: He's definitely better than his worst days. Primo is in a different league, though.
Lansdell: I preferred the leg sweep to the uranage for DiBiase
Byers: Really? I'd have to disagree.
Lansdell: Everyone and his dog use a uranage these days
Byers: I've never liked any side Russian leg sweep variation as a finish. It looks weird to be doing a move as a finish when it involves you taking the same bump that your opponent is.
Lansdell: I guess...
Byers: I've thought that since I saw Brad Armstrong using it as his finish fifteen or so years ago.
Lansdell: With a cobra clutch?
Byers: No, just a regular side Russian leg sweep.
Lansdell: Gah But then, a DDT used to finish matches without fail.

Rating: ** Again, it was just there. This week's show has been so mediocre that I can't even remember a standout moment. Looks like my prediction at the start of the match was right: Legacy are getting a Horsemen push. They just need a fourth member to win the IC strap.

Byers: So what are the odds of Flair replacing Vickie?
Lansdell: Slim to none, unless you mean 2 months down the road
Byers: No, not tonight.
Lansdell: He got punted to allow him to finish up with RoH
Byers: But in time.
Lansdell: Possibly, but not before September. Can you see the title changing hands AGAIN tonight?
Byers: I can't imagine them doing a Batista retention with that opening angle.
Lansdell: But by forfeit?
Byers: No. Uh oh...Game time. I don't know why I didn't see that one coming.
Lansdell: You were not alone. Of course, HHH breaks the record for punt recovery. Since it started putting people out, anyway
Byers: Well, at least it makes sense for him to be the one to do it.
Lansdell: Punk didn't even miss a week
Byers: He hadn't perfected it yet, you see.
Lansdell: Of course.
Byers: He went to an NFL camp, you see.
Lansdell: Didn't he punt Matt Hardy first though? And RVD?
Byers: He punted Matt Hardy where his appendix used to be. I don't recall him punting Hardy in the head. Didn't the Van Dam punt set up Van Dam leaving the company?
Lansdell: Yes. Thank God. That was a one-shot deal.
Byers: So with Vickie being gone and Triple H "officially" being a McMahon, does that mean he gets to run the show now?
Lansdell: I don't think he'd be interested. Too busy killing bitches.
Byers: Wow, a "pedigree" chant. I don't think I've ever heard that one before.
Lansdell: No, that's a first for me too.
Byers: Aside from the DDT, I don't recall a specific move ever being chanted for.
Lansdell: So, umm...who's champion?

Final Thoughts

Byers: I'd peg that as a solid show overall. There wasn't a real standout of a match, but the developments with Miz, Vickie's leaving the company, Batista's beatdown, and Triple H's return were all strong angles. I also like the fact that they're continuing to keep MVP and Kofi strong on the undercard by giving them clean wins. Hopefully that translates in to some legitimate upward mobility for either or both of them by the end of the year.

Lansdell: I can't be that optimistic. The match quality really hurt the show for me, although the story progression was good and left me wanting to see where they go for The Bash. I worry that Vickie will be replaced by Flair, because I am just fed up with the whole "Will he, won't he" thing about Flair wrestling again. With Smackdown, ECW and often Superstars trouncing Raw in the wrestling department, they either have to stop trying or let the talent they have loosen up a little.

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Lansdellicious – Out.