A Brace for Impact 06.18.09

Posted by Chris Lansdell on 06.19.2009

Michael Bauer joins me as we go home for Slammiversary. Because on the strength of this show, we wouldn't be going TO Slammiversary.

Greetings, humanity! Welcome to A Brace for Impact, where two 411mania writers give you their real-time thoughts on the show as it happens. I'm your host Chris Lansdell, and each week a special guest will be joining me. Before we get to the guest, I've noticed from the comments section that some people don't seem to get the column, while some love it. Let me explain a few things about A Brace for Impact:

This is not a play-by-play report. This is more along the lines of the multi-person Instant Analysis we do for PPVs, but more spontaneous.

This is not meant to be a non-stop laugh-fest. It's to give you some insight into the thought process of the writers, which is especially important when it comes to a show like Impact which is often maligned.

The chat comments will be genuine, off-the-cuff remarks around the match. At the end we talk ABOUT the match. With that said, here's this week's co-host...

Michael Bauer!

Lansdell: This better be a good show
Bauer: Cos I'm here?
Lansdell: Cos I'd rather be sleeping
Bauer: Well, we do have a Clockwork Orange House of Fun match, but I'd rather be watching the Mets, so I agree, this better be good
Lansdell: Optimism, GO!

BANNER!



Foley, balloons and clowns

Bauer: "Welcome Back Jeffrey".... ok
Lansdell: I suppose they could make it sound dumber if they tried hard enough
Bauer: Well, they have Foley as champion, how much dumber do you need it?
Lansdell: What in God's name have they done to the ring? Better question: Why?
Bauer: It looks my boss' office today for her birthday.
Lansdell: Is Hebner trying to be a chipmunk?
Bauer: Earl probably does have a cue ball in his mouth, Mick.
Lansdell: I'm just trying to figure out how many clowns are in the ring right now
Bauer: I count two.
Lansdell: I count 5. HI MICK! How's the novel coming along?
Bauer: Now they just need a Big Wheels to fit into.
Lansdell: Grow that beard Kurt! Appear tough! So this is fun...there are 4 active wrestlers in the ring with Foley and they all would be a better champion. Why do I feel like that means he will retain on Sunday?
Bauer: Don West's commentary is so fake.
Lansdell: He seems wooden tonight for sure.
Bauer: I mean, the Geico gecko sounds more real.
Lansdell: Well at least he made a good match. Joe and AJ vs Sting and Kurt works for me!
Bauer: Or did he?
Lansdell: And then he adds himself and Jarrett. Talk about oversalting the soup.
Bauer: Mick Foley's respect in my eyes is dropping by the second.
Lansdell: I wonder who's in the clown suit. Hey look, a brawl!

JB with Raven and Daffney

Bauer: AND THEY CUT AWAY IN THE MIDDLE!
Lansdell: I've heard of a pull-apart brawl but never a cut-away one
Bauer: Woah, what the hell happened to Daffney?
Lansdell: I dunno, but she looks EVIL. And surprisingly hot.
Lansdell: God bless Raven on the mic. Can you imagine a Raven-Jericho feud?
Bauer: Not in TNA.
Lansdell: Theoretically of course. The promos would be stratospheric
Bauer: Oh, no doubt. And I actually can't wait for this Clockwork House of Orange match. I've never seen one.
Lansdell: I have a faint recollection of it. Weapons hanging down and part of a cage, I think.

Amazing Red vs Daniels

Lansdell: This could be great
Bauer: Daniels is always great.
Lansdell: Red's regaining his ability week by week, but he still feels a step off
Bauer: Not like I could tell with that dive to the floor.
Bauer: Talking about someone else who I have never seen.
Lansdell: I saw a couple of 6-man matches with him and the SAT. He was faster and more spot-oriented then.
Bauer: Did West just compare a sleeping foot to an injury?
Lansdell: I think he did. That tingling can be pretty intense, man!
Lansdell: Observation: Daniels not going down to any of Red's kicks really makes Red look weak. It's not like Daniels is a monster who can shake off offence.
Bauer: BEST MOONSAULT EVER!

Winner: Daniels via pinfall (Best! Moonsault! EVER!)

Lansdell: It was OK for what it was, a showcase for Daniels. As I said I didn't like Daniels shaking off the series of stiff kicks from Red, and that was the majority of Red's
offence in this one. *½ for an OK showcase

Bauer: Daniels and Amazing Red should have been a lot better than this. End of story *1/4 for not being as good as billed.

Lauren with Kong, Wilde and Saeed

Lansdell: KONG SPEAKS
Bauer: I thought Saeed was going to become Kong.
Lansdell: There's a suggestion that Taylor Wilde is pregnant
Bauer: Really?
Lansdell: She tweeted something this week about stress not being good for the baby
Bauer: Oh
Lansdell: I guess we'll see from the bumps she takes, or doesn't. I'm just shocked that Kong spoke though.

Matt Morgan calls out Sting

Lansdell: Coupon-clipping redneck rejects?
Bauer: Well, they didn't exactly pay to show up?
Lansdell: This may be the best I've ever heard Morgan on the mic
Bauer: This is the only time I have ever him be good on the mic.
Lansdell: Well now there's an interesting match, Morgan-Sting for a spot in the MEM.
Bauer: And it's not some bullshit angle either
Lansdell: If, and it's a big if, they let Morgan go over, I will have some faith that they are finally using the older guys properly in TNA
Bauer: If, and this is also a big if, they do, I will still not be convinced of it unless Joe wins the World Title.
Lansdell: We've been down that road. Didn't work so well. I fear Jarrett wins at Slammiversary
Bauer: Ugh, why?
Lansdell: Because he's never lost a King of the Mountain match and he hasn't held the title in forever, Besides, don't we all want to see Jarrett-Foley for the title SO BAD.
Bauer: I don't
Lansdell: Me neither. Someone tell Russo that.

Clockwork Orange House of Fun match: Raven vs Jethro Halladay

Bauer: Time for some fun!
Lansdell: Best. Ring entrance music. Ever.
Bauer: Raven's does sound cool.
Bauer: Ok, since when did Murdoch become Hardcore?
Lansdell: Didn't he fight someone in a hardcore match a few weeks back too? And really but forward a strong effort?
Bauer: You're the one who recaps this.
Lansdell: I scarcely remember what I had for breakfast
Bauer: I miss Raven hardcore matches. This brings back memories.
Lansdell: He's got the gift for them no doubt, but am I alone in feeling like this is really tame?
Bauer: No. Am I alone if thinking that ending was weak?
Lansdell: Not at all. I also think it wasn't planned that way.

Winner: Raven via pinfall (Halladay missed crossbody through the cage wall)

Lansdell: Well I've seen far worse hardcore matches, but this just felt like a fluffy-bunnies version of a hardcore match. Not particularly violent, just there. The ending felt like a botch too, especially seeing the speed of Raven's cover and the ref's count. *¼

Bauer: Well, like we said, that was pretty tame for a Raven match. Probably just waiting for the Monster's Ball before going nuts. *3/4 for not being too bad.

Lansdell: I think it was needed to remind the audience that Raven can hurt people
Bauer: Who needs a reminder?
Lansdell: 90% of today's wrestling fans? He's been gone for a while.

Don West with Samoa Joe

Lansdell: What do you think of these sit-down interviews?
Bauer: I think they are very effective. At least this one with Joe/
Lansdell: Yeah, this seems to be the best of the bunch, but the rest felt like a waste. Think we'll get full-on heel Joe soon?
Bauer: Not a chance
Lansdell: Why's that?
Bauer: Well, Joe is doing nothing but targeting people taking what he believes is his spot. Very few of those are guys everyone likes
Lansdell: I just feel he'll explode on AJ, which makes him an insta-heel. AJ is far too popular right now to become a heel without considerable work.

Abyss with Lauren

Lansdell: Oh for God's sake Abyss. I did NOT need those mental images of you in bed bleeding.
Bauer: Wow, this is creepy.
Lansdell: It's repulsive. The man can evoke emotion on the mic but he's just being gross for the sake of gross
Bauer: I thought that was just his character.
Lansdell: His character is all over the shop. He's not right in the head, we know this. The promo was excellent from an emotional standpoint and most of it got the point across, especially showing Lauren's injury (which makeup should have done more with), but the stuff about his scars bleeding was just unnecessary.

Daffney and Angelina Love vs Taylor Wilde and Awesome KONG~!

Lansdell: I just realised who Daffney reminds me of in that getup - Marilyn Manson
Bauer: Nah, she's hotter than that.
Lansdell: DAT AZZ CUBED!
Bauer: I'm glad you said that and not squared.
Lansdell: I love you, cameraman.
Lansdell: You know what's coming, right?
Bauer: Oh yes I do.
Lansdell: Ladies and Gentlemen
Bauer: DRUMROLL
Lansdell: At this time, as per my contractual obligations, I would like to remind you that Kong kills bitches dead.
Bauer: Kong and Daffney should actually be good.
Lansdell: Daffney has surprised me. She's much better than WCW Daffney. I should watch more SHIMMER
Bauer: I should also. And I can think of plenty of reasons.
Lansdell: OK after that stomach-first bump, I think we can safely say Taylor is NOT pregnant
Bauer: Yeah, no question.
Lansdell: Mission accomplished: Bitch killed. And now Dat Azz Cubed will return the favour.
Bauer: No way they can kill Kong
Lansdell: Mrs Sforcina to the rescue!
Bauer: So, if Tara wins the Knockouts Title, is she the first woman to hold both the Knockouts and the WWE Women's Title?
Lansdell: No. Gail Kim.
Bauer: Oh, forgot about that.

Winners: Taylor Wilde and Awesome KONG~! via bitch-killing pinfall (on Daffney, Implant Buster)

Bauer: It was alright, it did it's job, and nothing was really offensive. *3/4 for dong nothing wrong.

Lansdell: Best match of the show so far, but that's like saying the best hair on your head...nothing special either way. At least we got to see Kong kill a bitch, and it was less off than the other matches tonight. Good way to build the PPV though. ** because it looked better next to everything else tonight. Still needs more backfist!

SoCal Val with the Guns and Lethal Consequences

Lansdell: Secretariat Val is back? And interviewing Lethal? Why????
Bauer: Jay Lethal is freaking awesome here.
Lansdell: He really is gold. LANNY POFFO REFERNECE!
Bauer: Who?
Lansdell: He namedropped Lanny Poffo, aka The Genius. Savage's brother.
Bauer: I totally missed that.
Lansdell: God bless you Jay Lethal.

Lethal Consequences and Motor City Machine Guns vs Team 3D and Beer Money

Lansdell: BEER!
Bauer: MONEY!
Lansdell: So this is an 8-man tag?
Bauer: That's right. It's very much like the main event
Lansdell: 8-man tags are very rarely good, unless they're elimination style. Too many people wanting to get theirs
Bauer: Well, this one has four great teams in it.
Lansdell: Doesn't look like it's going to be easy to follow...
Bauer: And there is Suicide
Lansdell: I stand corrected; it was really easy to follow. Quick, get the whole PPV card on TV!
Bauer: It was the easiest to follow ever.

Winners: Team 3D and Beer Money via pinfall (on Shelley, 3D)

Lansdell: Team 3D squashed 2 teams after Suicide ran in. End. ¼*

Bauer: Well, what exactly did that match prove? DUD.

AJ and Joe with Lauren

Bauer: Did Joe say AJ has a hairline?
Lansdell: Yup. And here I thought Joe was the one injured.
Bauer: That was my thought.
Lansdell: Oh that whacky Russo. But they are clearly setting up a Joe-AJ feud.
Bauer: Yeah, I see it, but I'm not sure it is Joe who turns heel. Who says Joe just doesn't piss off AJ and Styles goes nuts?
Lansdell: Interesting. We just had heel AJ and it didn't work, maybe they want to try again, see if they can get it right.
Bauer: It is TNA, I don't put it past them.
Lansdell: I try to give them the benefit of the doubt until I see it, but I think Joe NEEDS to be the heel in that feud. It's what the fans would expect. Going against the expectation like that confuses the fans.

JB with Foley

Lansdell: The hottest thing on the internet is 411mania! Right Mick? HI MICK!
Bauer: Wow... JB just burned Foley.
Lansdell: Kip is a maintenance guy. Brilliant.
Bauer: Wow...That about describes my feelings on the matter.
Lansdell: I thought for sure we were in for a name drop there. Hey Mick? Stewie has something to ask you…



Angle with JB

Bauer: A reasonable, calm, Kurt Angle? I can't buy this.
Lansdell: Yeah, it feels wrong.
Lansdell: Intense Kurt, goofy Kurt, but not serious calm Kurt
Bauer: It's like if Foley was ever serious.
Lansdell: Without yelling into the camera
Bauer: Exactly.
Lansdell: Wait, how did JB get from Foley's office to Kurt's locker room so quickly?
Bauer: The magic of taping Impact? Or maybe it is like those sets at Universal Studios. Like, the locker rooms aren't real.
Lansdell: Or maybe he's The Flash. But I like your theories better
Bauer: You ever see a set for a TV series?
Lansdell: Only when I was on a school quiz show when I was 11
Bauer: Ah, well, I was at Universal back when I was younger and saw how one of the Nickelodeon shows was set up. It's weird
Lansdell: Well considering this show often feels like it could be on Nickelodeon, you may have something there…

Kurt Angle and Sting vs Mick Foley and Jeff Jarrett vs AJ Styles and Samoa Joe

Lansdell: We have 12 minutes left. By the time they get the intros done, we might get a 7 minute match
Bauer: Typical TNA style
Lansdell: Not normally for the main event though. I still want an MEM tracksuit, however.
Bauer: I still want 4 of these 6 people in the WWE, but that ain't gonna happen.
Lansdell: I wouldn't mind Jarrett in WWE. He's got a lot left in the tank.
Bauer: Ok, he wasn't one of my 4.
Lansdell: Rather him than Sting. I presume Joe, Angle and AJ were the others.
Bauer: They were. Give me Sting for 1 year to give us dream matches and be done.
Lansdell: Dream matches? How about HHH-Jarrett? There's a dream match on a par with Sting-Taker and Sting-HBK.
Bauer: That happened, didn't it?
Lansdell: Not at the level it would be now.
Bauer: This is true. But you follow RoH... picture Joe vs Punk now
Lansdell: Yes please. I was going to say Joe-Umaga but I reckon we'll see that in 80 days or so.
Lansdell: Hey look, Mick Foley is in the ring! HI MICK! WE MISS YOU!
Bauer: Mick, please get out of the ring... hey a tag!
Lansdell: Hope he doesn't hurt his writing hand.
Bauer: Or his good ear. What the hell is Foley doing on commentary?
Lansdell: Being a heel. I think. Jarrett's looking good though.
Bauer: That's the problem. I can't tell if he is a heel.
Lansdell: Russology lesson 17 - There are no heels. There are no faces.
Bauer: Lesson 1 - Commercials with 6 minutes left in the program work.
Lansdell: It's not like we expected a finish anyway.
Bauer: No, I do expect some sort of finish
Lansdell: A clean one?
Bauer: Never said that. Has Joe or Styles gotten in yet?
Lansdell: Joe was in briefly.
Lansdell: Man those Jarrett chair shots are pathetic
Bauer: And how about that, a mostly clean win.
Lansdell: Miracles will never cease

Winners: AJ Styles and Samoa Joe via pinfall (on Angle, Muscle Buster)

Lansdell: For a match with so much going on, this was really pretty good. Unlike most of these matches in TNA recently, there was no dead weight here to slow the match down and it showed. They built the PPV very well and teased tension in the right places. **½ for the match of the night

Bauer: So we get way too short of a match to tell too big of a story. No Styles in the match, barely and Sting, and Joe looked unstoppable. At least the finish was clean. ** and I think I'm generous.

Final Thoughts

Bauer: So, this is the go home show for the PPV? I mean, yes, they did expand on every storyline, but some of it just wasn't good. The Main Event doesn't really interest me, the X-Division match feels weak, Abyss is a freak, and the Knockouts are maybe the best thing for me. That's not a good sign. The show wasn't great and I would barely call it more than good.

Lansdell: I get what they want to do. I really do. I think this PPV was the planned blowoff for the MEM-Frontline story that was mostly aborted due to the Front Line drawing apathy. Instead they bring in Raven and Shane Douglas (who were both there early) to give the show a feel of old vs new. As long as they keep with the idea of the new (not McNew) going over, it should be OK. The problem with that is, I just can't shake the feeling that Jarrett goes home with gold. All that said, this show was the definition of mediocrity. I understand why they did everything they did, they just didn't do much of it well.

That's a wrap folks. Join me next week with another special guest and the fallout from Slammiversary. Also, follow Lansdell on Twitter for chances to contribute to this and my other columns, and possibly even be the Fluff in the Brace for Impact Fluffernutter!

Lansdellicious – Out.