2 Raw 2 Furious 06.22.09

Posted by Ryan Byers on 06.23.2009

Donald Trump buys Raw! Donald Trump sells Raw! Donald Trump makes a promise regarding celebrity hosts that will now go unfulfilled, and it brings a tear to my eye!

Welcome, one and all, to 2 Raw 2 Furious! For those of you who missed the debut edition of the column two weeks ago, this is 411's new semi-regular Raw feature featuring yours truly and Chris Lansdell giving our real time thoughts as we watch WWE's flagship program. It is essentially Lansdell's "Brace for Impact" with a significantly better wrestling show being reviewed. (Yes, there's some of that trademark 411mania ANTI-TNA BIAS~! for those of you out there in the Impact Zone.)

In any event, if you missed our last column, here are a few basic ground rules:

~ This is not a play-by-play report. This is more along the lines of the multi-person Instant Analysis we do for PPVs, but more spontaneous.

~ This is not meant to be a non-stop laugh-fest. It's to give you some insight into the thought process of the writers, which is especially important when it comes to a show like Impact Raw which is often maligned.

~ The chat comments will be genuine, off-the-cuff remarks around the match.

And, with out of the way, let's take a look at the brand spankin' new logo provided by the ever-versatile John Meehan.



Damn, I am sexy.

Pre-Raw Scuttlebutt

Ryan: From the Wrestling Observer – The WWE will be refunding the $235,000 gate from tonight's sold out Raw at the Resch Center in Green Bay. The reason is to create Donald Trump as a babyface, as he held a press conference today announcing that everyone attending tonight's show will get their ticket money refunded.
Chris: Holy shit!
Ryan: I'm waiting for the episode of Raw where Trump announces that he's got enough buses lined up outside of the area to take the entire audience out for beer and hookers after the show.
Chris: LOL
Ryan: Though a commercial free show is going to be hard with no bathroom breaks. I've got an empty two liter bottle sitting next to the couch just in case.
Chris: No diva matches?
Ryan: I like watching the diva matches . . . they always interest me because you never know what you're going to get.

It's the Show Opening Recap . . . and Already We're Ranting

Chris: Hey look, Raw!
Ryan: And, when you add up all the extra time that we're getting due to the lack of commercials, it's essentially another three hour show.
Chris: Without making it feel like one.
Ryan: We'll see about that.

Ryan: Jesus, they actually put the Miz spot in to the show opening recap. They may as well have put on a caption that said "missed opportunity."
Chris: I think elevating Miz that quickly has mistake written all over it.
Ryan: Giving him an elimination in a battle royale is hardly elevating him. It's just the perfect amount of "win" over Cena to give this feud a bit more traction.
Chris: I thought you meant having him win it.
Ryan: Oh, no. He needed to eliminate Cena to give HHH the win.
Chris: I could have gone for that.

The Donald Angers the Investors

Chris: Who had Kelly Kelly in the office pool for "Accompanies Trump to the ring in the opener"?
Ryan: The Donald is looking haggard without that soft light from last week's pre-tape on him.

Ryan: Trump to Fans: "It's your show, not mine . . . even though my name is all over the set, was in the open, and is even on the mic."

Chris: Matches? More than one?
Ryan: Apparently.
Chris: I guess he figures the many millions in revenue he's missing for the commercials is a huge hit, another quarter million in live gate is nothing
Ryan: WWE isn't losing any money on commercials. They don't get any ad revenue. USA is losing money on commercials, and it was their call to do the show this way.
Chris: That'll teach me to read JP.
Ryan: I just picked it all up from the Observer.
Chris: Meltz annoys me. So far up himself he can see next week's shit.
Ryan: I don't know about that . . . I think that's more of an image that other people project on to him than something that he gives off himself. But then again I subscribe to the guy's website and listen to him in two or three podcasts a week, so I'm a bit biased.

A Good Old Fashioned BERRY-al of the Miz

Chris: When did Cena get sponsored by John Deere?
Ryan: Damn, it's the real Miz. I was hoping for a Miz-dget version.
Chris: That new merch is UG-LEE.
Ryan: Yeah, I have no clue what they're going for there.
Chris: They ARE in Green Bay, but I doubt the colour scheme changes for each city.
Ryan: Actually, with the Cena t-shirts lately having been a takeoff on something from the 80's, I think they need to do a M.U.S.C.L.E. shirt for him sometime soon.

Ryan: The phrase "Mr. Monday Night" busted out by Cena there . . . probably a one shot deal.
Chris: At least they aren't making Miz out to be a pussy. And yes, I am no selling the RVD joke, Byers. Shame on you.
Ryan: Not the first time that "no-selling" and "RVD" have been used in the same sentence, and it probably won't be the last.

Chris: They NEED to let Miz reply to this. He's being buried.
Ryan: They NEED to let Miz win on Sunday after a burial job like that.
Chris: As dirty as possible, but yes.

Chris: Or they could go with the mic shot.
Ryan: That was sort of anti-climatic. And completely counter-productive unless, as noted, Miz wins.

Vince is Stranded, Everybody Needs a Little KFC

Chris: Misadventures of McMahon?
Ryan: So he no longer owns WWE Raw but he still travels with a WWE Raw cameraman?
Chris: Don't you?
Ryan: No, I've just got a couple of WCW sound guys left over from their days of streaming audio-only PPVs on the internet.

Ryan: PRODUCT PLACEMENT IN LIEU OF COMMERCIALS~!
Chris: And pathetic useless skits in lieu of piss breaks!
Ryan: Chris: When JR and Grisham were announcing?
Ryan: I was distracted by the bucket of chicken.

Smackdown Six Man (Not to be confused with THE Smackdown Six, Man): Jeff Hardy, Rey Misterio, Jr., and the Great Khali vs. Edge, Chris Jericho, & Dolph Ziggler

Chris: Here comes Mrs. Jeff Small.
Ryan: The Punjabi Playa! Not be confused with Sonjay Dutt, the Playa from the Himalaya.
Chris: What a unique trio...
Ryan: "Tonight's commercial free Raw is brought to you by . . ." Oh, Todd and his oxymorons.
Chris: There's already more talent in this match than on the Raw roster, and we only have 4 people introduced.
Ryan: If they give it time, this will rule . . . and could be a good showcase for Ziggler.
Chris: Ziggler can do a lot more than outsmart Khali

Chris: Punk on commentary? This could rule.
Ryan: The last time I heard Punk on commentary, Dave Prazak was involved.

Chris: Normally we'd go to commercial right now.
Ryan: Indeed. I was actually waiting for it but forgot about the show's gimmick.
Chris: That's my major problem with the 619...it's SO obvious.
Ryan: "What's the deal with this chicken?" Knew that had to come up at some point.
Chris: He used the word "partake" on TV
Ryan: Not to get too far afield, but I tried the Kentucky Grilled Chicken . . . not digging it.

Ryan: Did JR just say that Ziggler is going to "file an injunction on Jeff Hardy's tactics?"
Chris: He did.
Ryan: I don't want to even count the number of ways in which that fails to make sense.
Chris: Not to mention that a double 619 is not equal to a 12218.

Ryan: Well, that did not rule as hard as it could have with more time, but it was a fun sprint of a match.
Chris: With more time and less Khali.
Ryan: Khali didn't even really get in the way that much.

Trump Meets Vince, Santina Backstage

Ryan: If Trump is giving refunds out, can I get my money back for Wrestlemania? I'm still pissed that I had to pay full price for that show.
Chris: I would be too.

Chris: He fired Santina? For what?
Ryan: For the gimmick having run its course?
Chris: Sure, but arbitrary firings are the hallmark of Vince. Why not have HIM fire Santina last week.
Ryan: Because they didn't think of it last week.
Chris: I've said it before, and I'll say it again: We should be booking.

Traditional One-On-One Match Between the Guys in the PPV Tag Match: Cody Rhodes vs. Primo Colon

Ryan: Remember when people thought Primo was the wrestler and Carlito was the better promo? I think Primo has eclipsed his brother in the promo department as well.
Chris: That's not a good sign.

Chris: Wait, MORE new music for Legacy?
Ryan: Eh, that's the least of their problems.

Ryan: You know, now that WWE has so much TV time, they should bring back the old NWA booking gimmick of periodically having a tag team guy break off and get a mini program with the world champ, e.g. Ricky Morton or the Roadwarriors against Ric Flair. Primo would be perfect for that.
Chris: So would Kendrick or London have been.
Ryan: This is probably some kind of IWC blasphemy, but I like Primo better as a WWE wrestler.

Ryan: Wow, we're not even an hour in to this show. It's not been bad, but it's felt like at least 90 minutes.
Chris: It's not been good either. There's been nothing to it. It just feels like Raw

Vince Finds his "Office," his Former Son, and Whatever Festus Is

Ryan: Wow, Goldust-Goldberg wig reference. Between that and Ahmed Johnson last week, it's almost like they're writing Goldust for the smarks.
Chris: Vince looked good with that wig on

Ryan: Okay, sick query based on that last skit: Does somebody have to ring a bell in order for Festus to start defecating?
Chris: WOW...you went there huh?
Ryan: Well, in storyline he's otherwise catatonic until he hears the thing . . .
Chris: You know why he was reading the Wall Street Journal? He's barred for life from the NYSE since he was there for market opening...
Ryan: WOW...you went there huh?

Last Man Standing Match for the Raw Title: Randy Orton (c) vs. Triple H

Chris: Title match time.
Ryan: The big question is not who wins but how they are going to entice viewers to pay for this match on Sunday after getting it for free tonight.
Chris: If indeed we get it on Sunday.
Ryan: I could've sworn we were.
Chris: You might be right.
Ryan: On one hand, I don't see how they could do a PPV headlined by the exact same match that they did on a Monday night. Yet, on the other hand, I think they need something more than Punk/Hardy and Cena/Miz unless they want to do December to Dismember numbers.
Chris: Also I don't see how they can build a main event title match in 62 minutes.
Ryan: True story.
Chris: Unless they non-finish this one somehow.
Ryan: Double KO is always a possibility. In fact, I'd say it's the most likely possibility.

Chris: This is already better than the Mania match.
Ryan: For now.

Ryan: Spots like that stair kick are why I love Orton. He finds ways to make the simplest, easiest moves meaningful.
Chris: People don't like him because he's methodical. That's what makes him a great heel. He beats crap out of people and enjoys it.
Ryan: Well, it would be nice if he wasn't quite so "methodical" on the mic, but it works in the ring.
Chris: I heard an interview with him where he said he's aware of the "Randy Orton special" chinlock joke, so he does them more.
Ryan: That's a very old school mentality, but it works.
Chris: Sure it does. Make 'em hate you on many levels.
Ryan: The proper reaction to a "boring" chant by a heel isn't doing a bunch of spots. The proper reaction is grabbing a hold and yelling something like, "I'll show you boring!" Then the babyface gets a big reaction for powering out of it and segueing in to the "exciting" spots.
Chris: And yet you don't like Kozlov.
Ryan: I haven't even SEEN Kozlov for months.
Chris: But when you did, you disliked him.
Ryan: Indeed.
Chris: I see a lot of Orton in him.
Ryan: More due to him screwing up spots than his pace.
Chris: Finlay's fixing that for him.
Ryan: Is he hitting him with the stick every time he botches something? Because that would be a great way to learn.

Ryan: CHRIST. No give in that table.
Chris: RKO on the table, and IT DOESN'T BREAK!
Ryan: Orton's holding the collarbone . . . legit problem, or is he working us?
Chris: I think it just hurt momentarily. He's not savvy enough to work smarks.
Ryan: You say, immediately after telling the "Orton special" story.
Chris: Planning something to do every match and ad libbing a fake injury mid-match that happens to be a recurring problem for him are two completely different things.
Ryan: But, at the end of the day, it's still throwing something in to get a reaction out of people who think that they're too smart to be worked.

Chris: They're certainly not holding back the bumps.
Ryan: No. If you do a stip match like this on free TV you can't, otherwise you hurt its power to draw when it's on PPV, which is why I hate TNA doing things like three minute I Quit matches on Impact to try "to get the stip over" for PPV.
Chris: We often bitch about main-event quality matches for free, but sometimes it's a good idea to draw in viewers.
Ryan: There's a time and a place for everything.

Chris: That double KO is looking more and more likely.
Ryan: So what's preventing a Legacy run-in here?
Chris: To pick Orton up?
Ryan: To pick him up or to lay out HHH.
Chris: Not much.

Ryan: OUCH. Take that, random dude.
Chris: HHH killed two production guys!
Ryan: Who have apparently worked around wrestling long enough to know to get their hands up.
Chris: Handy skill to learn. No pun intended.
Ryan: So do you think that when they were looking for Wisconsin indy guys to play that role, they called Kennedy up as a joke?
Chris: I'd laugh.

Ryan: Great heat for Orton tonight.
Chris: My problem with this is that HHH should be off air for a while after this beating.
Ryan: Or, at the very least, on air but not wrestling.
Ryan: Here's your double KO spot.
Chris: 18 minutes or so...that's decent.
Ryan: Good touch with the ladder falling over at the last second.
Chris: Nicely done.
Ryan: Honestly, that match is exactly what it needed to be. It delivered on the stip and was a good, long bout but didn't give away a conclusive finish so that the feud can go on.
Chris: And it was physical without being over-violent.
Ryan: And the crowd sounds like it's pissed at Orton instead of being pissed at the finish.
Chris: As long as he can retain that hatred.

MID-SHOW VIDEO INTERLUDE
Be a Man, Hulk!



Miz Flirts with "Maurice" to Quote Michael Cole

Ryan: "I'm the Miz, and I'm the Shawn Michaels of my former tag team."
Chris: I really need to find out if that shirt is available.
Ryan: A quick search on WWEshop.com says no.

The Donald Sells The Raw Back to The Vince

Chris: OK, Trump's entrance takes longer than Taker's.
Ryan: I actually like Trump cutting promos. He has a cadence that differs from everybody on the regular roster.
Chris: A celebrity host every week? That has disaster written all over it.
Ryan: It'll be like the Raw version of the New Scooby Doo Movies.
Ryan: Tonight's guest host of Raw is Don Knotts!
Ryan: Batman and Robin!
Ryan: Laverne and Shirley!
Ryan: The Harlem Globetrotters!
Chris: Oh Christ.
Ryan: Do you want to retract that earlier statement about us booking?
Chris: Nah. Even the best bookers have missteps.

Ryan: So wait . . . Vince sold Trump Raw but if Trump gives Raw attendance away for free Vince goes bankrupt? How does that work, exactly?
Chris: Maybe he's still the overall CEO? I have no idea. This is now into the time-wasting realm.
Ryan: Well, it's certainly working for the live crowd.
Chris: That heat is not convincing me.
Ryan: How about the "Donald Trump" chants?
Chris: Pretty tame weren't they?
Ryan: They should've milked it for longer.
Chris: Minutes, or weeks?
Ryan: Seconds. The chants, I meant.
Chris: Oh.
Ryan: They were just starting, and Trump cut them off with the slap. Could've gotten another good fifteen seconds out of that.

Ryan: But, yes, apparently the whole point of Trump buying Raw was to give us a storyline that would last two weeks. Bizarre.
Chris: Maybe the plans were changed by the fans shitting all over it.
Ryan: I doubt it. Trump worked last time, so they probably would've stuck it out even though they got a bad reaction on week one.

The Main Event is Announced, and It is Underwhelming

Chris: So apparently some people wanted to see another Cena-Show match?
Ryan: Some people who couldn't think of anything better to book.

Ryan: Something tells me they got that three stages of hell match in the wrong order. Straight match . . . falls count anywhere . . . stretcher? STRETCHER?!
Chris: I know. Crazy.
Ryan: I loathe stretcher matches.
Chris: They don't lend themselves to a flowing match.

The Wimminfolk 'Rassle: Mickie James, Brie Bella, & Nikki Bella vs. Maryse Oulette, Beth Phoenix, & Rose Mendez

Ryan: You know who they need to bring back to work with the Bellas? The Gymini!
Chris: Twin twins?
Ryan: Just to confuse the hell out of everybody.
Chris: At least Cena-Show won't be long.
Ryan: I'd be fine with this match going longer.
Chris: It's certainly easier on the eyes.
Ryan: Well, until we saw that Bella armdrag.
Ryan: You know how heel twins always do the illegal switcheroo?
Chris: Yup.
Ryan: We need a babyface version of that with the Bellas in which the heels beat the hell out of one of them, she tags out, and then the heels pull the beaten one back in and toss the healthy one out behind the ref's back.
Chris: LOL I'd love to see that.

Ryan: God, Mickie is so obviously in a different league that Rosa and the Bellas.
Chris: No comparison.
Ryan: SWEET MICK MUSIC. Weird to see that move out of nowhere.
Chris: That SOUNDED nasty . . . foreshadowing a return?
Ryan: It would certainly be an unorthodox way to do it.

Ryan & Chris' Lives Flash Before Their Eyes

Ryan: Oh god, I almost had a heart attack.
Chris: Me too
Ryan: Before they said "National Treasure," I was afraid that we were getting another commercial free Raw tomorrow.

John Cena Doesn't Meet the Harlem Globetrotters . . . But He Does Meet the Chicago Cubs

Chris: "Look how famous or franchise guy is!"
Ryan: Nothing wrong with trying to create that illusion.
Chris: I just find it a touch self-serving.
Ryan: The whole show is self-serving. It's a huge infomerical for PPVs, merchandise, house shows . . .
Chris: Oh I know, but that seems different.

Best of 7,031 Match Series Continues: John Cena vs. The Big Show

Ryan: So is this match really ending the show? Seems weird that the final segment wouldn't be something involving HHH/Orton or at least Trump/Vince.

Ryan: Random aside: Am I the only one who finds Transformers becoming a legitimate action franchise in 2009 completely freaking ridiculous?
Chris: NO, I'm with you. How can you have Transformers with no lasers?
Ryan: How can you have a bunch of people marking out for a movie that is based on a schlock-tastic 80's cartoon designed to do nothing more than sell toys? It's such a ridiculous concept . . . says the pro wrestling fan.
Chris: I've seen as many people worrying about the sequel as I have booing about it
Ryan: I was amazed that the first movie was a hit.

Chris: So yeah, see how slow this match is?
Ryan: Eh. Match is technically fine, I just feel like I have literally seen everything that these two could do together before.
Chris: But it's so PLODDING.
Ryan: It's moving at about the same pace that the HHH/Orton match was, just with less impressive spots in between the selling.
Chris: And the fans' fatigue isn't helping.
Ryan: They're so tired that they're chanting "Cena."

Ryan: HOG LOG! A favorite Big Show move of mine for the ridiculous name if nothing else.
Chris: Up there with the Alley Oop.
Ryan: That was actually pretty fun move. I'm surprised we haven't seen it more.

Chris: A kick out of the chokeslam? Wow, his cape is showing.
Ryan: He's a top face on a wrestling show. He's SUPPOSED to be Superman.
Chris: Not to this extent man.
Ryan: I'm perfectly fine with him kicking out of the finish of any heel on the roster. Sorry.
Chris: Sure, occasionally.

Ryan: Good run-in by the Miz.
Chris: Yes, and good for Show to get a win.
Ryan: So what are the odds of Maryese getting involved and costing Cena the match at the PPV?
Chris: I can see that happening

Just When You Thought It Was Safe to Watch Royal Pains . . .

Ryan: Weird unprovoked attack by the babyface to end the show.
Chris: Oh that valiant babyface HHH.

Ryan: Well, that was . . . a show. On one hand, the six man and the Triple H/Orton matches were fun bouts for a free TV show. The stuff with the Miz and Cena was also a good way to build up a program for a mid-level PPV match. However, the build for the PPV title match came off flat given that it literally lasted less than an hour, and things weren't helped by the fact that the Vince/Trump angle appears to have been done for no reason other than to spike ratings for a week and to give the company a kayfabe excuse for the commercial free Raw. Thumbs solidly in the middle here.

And that'll do it for this week's show, kids! Don't forget to Twit!

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