A Brace for Impact 06.25.09

Posted by Chris Lansdell on 06.26.2009

The fallout from Slammiversary sees a whole lot of talking going on. Join me as we take Shawn Lealos' Brace cherry!

Greetings, humanity! Welcome to A Brace for Impact, where two 411mania writers give you their real-time thoughts on the show as it happens. I'm your host Chris Lansdell, and each week a special guest will be joining me. Before we get to the guest, I've noticed from the comments section that some people don't seem to get the column, while some love it. Let me explain a few things about A Brace for Impact:

This is not a play-by-play report. This is more along the lines of the multi-person Instant Analysis we do for PPVs, but more spontaneous.

This is not meant to be a non-stop laugh-fest. It's to give you some insight into the thought process of the writers, which is especially important when it comes to a show like Impact which is often maligned.

The chat comments will be genuine, off-the-cuff remarks around the match. At the end we talk ABOUT the match. With that said, here's this week's co-host...

With a special guest appearance from the Movie zone...Shawn Lealos!

Lansdell:: That was one heck of a pay per view
Lealos: The ending shocked the hell out of me
Lansdell:: And if they can explain it semi-sensibly some of the haters might even shut up
Lealos: Why Joe Why?
Lansdell: Maybe the MEM have a superior pension plan.

BANNER!



Brother Ray vs Brutus Magnus

Lansdell:: Ahhh excellent. A chance to see if Magnus has improved at all.
Lealos: He's gold on the mic
Lansdell:: He is good on the mic, which is normally the hard part. He bumps and sells well too.
Lealos: He can't have a better teacher than Doug Williams
Lansdell:: Did Ray just make out with a poster?
Lealos: I think so. He also mugged for the camera. Not making Brutus look good right now
Lansdell:: Here comes the Goon Squad. WOW Terry picked up Ray with ease. That guy is going to be something. Not sure what, but something.
Lealos: Three Europeans, a Japanese guy and a guy from Detroit. What do they have in common again?
Lansdell:: They're all EVIL FOREIGNERS!!
Lealos: So how does a Street Fight end in No Contest?
Lansdell:: Umm...Russo. That's my only explanation.
Lealos: That was too short and worthless
Lansdell:: That's what Cook's last girlfriend said. I can't rate that, there was nothing to it.

The Mafia introduce their new member

Lealos: Still love this entrance music
Lansdell: Oh you'll fit in just fine here!
Lealos: I thought Sting fired the girls
Lansdell:: He did. We're supposed to forget that happened
Lealos: Forget what happened?
Lansdell:: I forget. I just want Joe to come out with a chair and kill everyone. Metaphorically of course.
Lealos: Let me guess, Nash, Steiner and Booker put their bodies on the line for the greater good
Lansdell:: Probably. Because they're brothers and stuff. If Joe doesn't kill them all, I hope they all turn on Joe.
Lealos: If I remember right, Joe was a hired hit man when he made his first appearance in ROH for Daniels. Is this the same thing?
Lansdell:: It looks that way, and it's a decent way to explain away the swerve
Lealos: Booker laughs about having internal bleeding. Wonderful
Lansdell:: So where is Sting? And why is Foley here?
Lealos: So Foley is good again?
Lansdell:: Who knows? I just don't want to see Angle try to carry Foley to a watchable match.
Lealos: Imagine the promos between the two though
Lansdell:: I don't have to. They're tearing one up right now. But the vacillating of Foley is a touch annoying. He's sane, he's crazy, he's heel, he's face, he's cool, he's fresh, he's Noah's Arcade.
Lealos: I really wanted them to leave Samoa Joe's allegiance up in the air, a la Sting and the nWo
Lansdell:: I dunno, there are already enough nWo comparisons. And most of them are not favourable.
Lealos: Yeah. But I hoped Samoa Joe was doing it for his own purposes not just to stand behind Angle and not say anything
Lansdell: I'm still not convinced that's all there is to it.

Abyss vs Kevin Nash

Lealos: Is missing part of the match due to commercial a blessing?
Lansdell:: The speed they're moving, we only missed 3 moves.
Lealos: Abyss moves like Paul London compared to Nash
Lansdell:: I can't hear his name without thinking about dolphins
Lealos: Nash sucks but I love watching him be a dick
Lansdell:: He's a funny man too. He's a great entertainer but moves like molasses in January
Lealos: Dang it, you have me watching the London/Danielson promo
Lansdell:: WHAT THE HELL??? What did I just see?
Lealos: The tazer smokes?
Lansdell:: I was right. The street fight WAS better.
Lealos: He poses before pinning him. Awesome!
Lansdell:: That was ri-god damn-diculous.
Lealos: Imagine Abyss and Lauren's babies
Lansdell: Because that's EXACTLY what I needed to make this farce better.

Winner: Kevin Nash via pinfall (Stevie-ference and tasering)

Lansdell:: Please tell me I did not just sit down and watch a Kevin Nash match only to have it finish with a TASER SHOT by Stevie Richards. I half expect a Taser on a Pole match next PPV. DUD

Lealos: The match sucked. And that is the second time Nash won a match with a tazer. Goldberg just kicked his TV screen. DUD

Beer Money promo

Lealos: Beer Money is complete awesomeness
Lansdell:: Oh, I forgot something... BEER!
Lealos: MONEY!!!
Lansdell: That's better. So is this were LAX come back?
Lealos: WTF?
Lansdell:: Oh no. The Mafia aren't going for tag gold are they?
Lealos: Booker and Steiner? They are two of the best tag team wrestlers in history
Lansdell: Sure...with other partners.
Lealos: Booker ain't British any more?
Lansdell:: Or African even.
Lealos: Yeah, that too
Lealos: He just called The Steiners and Harlem Heat both the best teams ever
Lansdell:: I could have sworn these two held gold together. Seems like they didn't though.
Lansdell:: Was that really a Neil and Bob joke? Awesome.
Lealos: Booker and Steiner are awesome on the mic. "I'm a 14 time tag team champion. What about you Scottie?" Too many to count." "Too many to count"
Lansdell:: Ray mocking Steiner was golden too
Lealos: Bubba just made fun of Steiner's speech patterns
Lansdell:: And his poses. Really, all 6 of these guys can cut some hilarious promos, this could be fun.

Daffney vs Taylor Wilde – Match of 10,000 tacks

Lansdell:: You know, I can see both sides of this argument. I know why people are uncomfortable watching women go into tacks, but if they want to who are we to stop them?
Lealos: Did Don say Daffney reminds him of his first wife?
Lansdell:: He did.
Lealos: Wow. Nice dreams
Lealos: Another DUD in my book
Lansdell:: It was way too short
Lealos: Why are they burying Daffney?
Lansdell:: Short-term deal?

Winner: Taylor Wilde via tack slam

Lansdell: Well at least we got to hear Daffney's theme again. I don't like that she lost here but if the plan is still to make Taylor the face of the division, it makes sense. *3/4 because it could have done with 5 more minutes.

Team 3D with Foley

Lansdell:: Take a shower after your match? Brilliant
Lealos: OK, this is just getting weird now
Lansdell:: Foley is obviously supposed to be distraught following his loss
Lealos: I know but - it is just weird.
Lansdell: Seeing Foley begging on his knees was surreal but might just push this angle over the edge. I'm not enjoying it dominating the show, but I think it has potential.

Scott Steiner vs Robert Roode

Lealos: Think this match will go over 5 minutes?
Lansdell:: Doubt it. Scott might collapse.
Lealos: Remember when people hated Robert Roode when he was in Team Canada? Kind of like they feel about Brutus Magnus now?
Lansdell:: That was a bit before I was a TNA fan
Lealos: Everyone said he should not be pushed because he was too green. He is proof that - if given time and a chance - anyone can improve
Lansdell:: He's a great tag team guy, but he hasn't exactly set the world on fire as a singles guy. Although I did like his singles run until they turned him abusive.
Lealos: This is where TNA beats the WWE. The tag team belts are actually important here.
Lansdell:: Absolutely. They have always had a strong tag division. Even when they periodically gut it, they end up repairing it quickly. You know, this match isn't bad...
Lealos: I am surprised. I remember when Steiner was just awesome in the ring
Lansdell:: Hard to imagine that he was the speed guy of the Steiners...wait, that was the finish? Where did that come from?

Winner: Scott Steiner via pinfall (backslide)

Lealos: Steiner wins clean? Wow. I give that about 2 1/2 stars. Could have been 3 with a different ending

Lansdell:: It wasn't bad at all, far better than I expected, but a backslide for the win? Weird and out of nowhere. I guess sometimes you have to do that to give the near falls more weight, but it just seems so bizarre to see it win a match. ** for a weird ending to a decent match.

Lealos: I can see what's coming from a mile away. Three words - Four Horsemen / Sting
Lansdell:: Even down to The Horsemen holding all the titles.
Lealos: "But I trusted you Kurt" Just like I trusted Ric Flair, Lex Luger, Ric Flair again, Lex Luger again, Ric Flair again, etc...
Lansdell:: You have to wonder WHY he trusts anyone.
Lealos: Dumbest wrestler ever

Eric Young promo

Lealos: Is Jeff Jarrett going to put Eric Young over at the end of this?
Lansdell:: Who knows. He should, but really, who knows?
Lealos: That's like asking if Cena will put over Miz this Sunday
Lansdell:: I can actually see that happening. God knows it needs to happen.
Lealos: It would make me happy
Lansdell:: Hey look, Rhino! He's alive!
Lealos: Cheap shot by EY!!!!!
Lansdell:: So a little headbutt like that and Lauren goes into a panic? How long has she been around wrestling?
Lealos: Long enough to pork Abyss?
Lansdell:: She must hate watching matches
Lealos: He slapped him in the chest! Stop the match!!!!

James Storm vs Booker T

Lansdell: OK, 'fess up. Who emailed Russo and told him we wanted to see Jenna wrestle Sharmell on PPV?
Lealos: That is a waste of a PPV match
Lansdell:: Booker and Sharmell sure seem to have got over their argument quickly though. They're acting like nothing happened. But yes. Nobody wants to see either of those ladies wrestle.
Lealos: Nope. Not with so many other real women wrestlers in TNA.
Lansdell: Or even with so many good wrestlers period.
Lealos: Booker T and James Storm should be even better than Steiner vs Roode was
Lealos: Should
Lansdell: Why do I feel like you just put the woof on it?
Lealos: BOOZER CRUISER!!
Lansdell:: I understood maybe 3 words of Booker's promo. I haven't been a fan of his in the ring since the best of 7 series with Benoit, but normally I can at least understand him.
Lealos: I like him. He's always been alright in my book. I loved Harlem Heat and Stevie Ray sucked. Plus James Storm > Robert Roode
Lansdell:: Storm is great. One of the best TNA matches I've seen was his Texas Death Match with Chris Harris
Lealos: After that beer bottle shot, Storm is dead
Lansdell:: Looks like Earl caught it in the eye too. Book really smacked Storm one.

Winner: James Storm via DQ (Beer bottle to head by Booker)

Lealos: That gets ** from me

Lansdell:: This wasn't entirely bad, but it also wasn't as good as the previous match. Another weird ending too, in addition to dangerous as Earl Hebner looked like some glass caught him in the eye. BAD thing. *½

AJ Styles calls out Samoa Joe

Lealos: Its about time for Sting to get beat down
Lansdell:: Or, in a classic swerve, reveal he likes the plan
Lealos: Russorific! So, is AJ going to be remembered as stupid as Sting?
Lansdell: He's off to a good start.
Lansdell:: Remember when calling out Joe meant a bitch was gonna die?
Lealos: Yep. Has Joe always wore the towel over his head, covering his face?
Lansdell:: Since he came back yeah.
Lealos: Just like Taz...Just saying
Lansdell:: Awful lot of screwing going on here tonight.
Lealos: Matt Morgan? Why?
Lansdell:: Oh it's just an excuse to fill the ring.
Lealos: It's funny. Last time Joe sold himself for money it was to Daniels and now Daniels is on the other side
Lansdell:: Why would the MEM leave the ring when their own member comes down?
Lealos: SWERVE!!!!
Lansdell:: Seriously after this show, I wouldn't be surprised to see a Black Scorpion run-in
Lealos: Wait, we have had two decent, short matches and two worthless very short matches in an hour 50?
Lansdell: Yeah, this has been promo night.
Lealos: "But I trusted you Kevin"
Lansdell: That should be Sting's catchphrase.
Lansdell:: This is getting typical
Lealos: Nash just put over Samoa Joe! "We bought him because we couldn't beat him"
Lansdell:: That's something right there. Here we go, every 3 words will be "Kevin"
Lealos: And Joe takes out Sting. Awesome
Lansdell:: And of course nobody will come to help him.
Lealos: Why would anyone?
Lansdell:: That's what I mean
Lealos: A WCW finish with the action going on as the show ends. I hate that

Final Thoughts

Lealos: I had high expectations for this show after the Pay Per View. Yet we get no Jeff Jarrett, some great promos setting up storylines but weak matches. Two decent matches do not make a good show, so this one pretty much was a failure in my eyes.

Lansdell: I find it hard to disagree. I can see where they want to go with Foley being obsessed with the title, and from the looks of it Sting and Joe facing off, but it all seems too cluttered. This show was too much about JB playing "He said, he said" all night and not enough about the wrestling. Story progression is essential, but when it dominates a show like this it becomes unwatchable. A definite thumbs down this week.