411’s WWE The Bash Report 06.28.09

Greetings, humanity! Welcome to 411mania’s Bash Report. We had a strong pay per view with some tremendous matches, some surprises and some disappointments. I’m here to see you through it all! Well, me and my army of cartoon characters. What do you think about that, mystery guest number 1?

Grrrrrrrrrroovy!

Well here! We! Go!

ECW Title Scramble Match: Tommy Dreamer © vs. Christian vs. Finlay vs. Jack Swagger vs. Mark Henry

GO! Christian starts off what could be the most exciting match on the card. 3-minute intervals between entrants, which will make for a very full ring. SWAGGA is number 2, complete with special ed gorilla entrance. A special “HI AND FUCK YOU!” to the 3 websites copying my feed word for word.

Lockup and…they lockup…kneelift by Swagger. Shoulder charges in the corner, w chip and a countered sunset flip by Christian. Rights by Christian, Swagger picks him up and hits a BIG power slam for 2. Submission hold locked in, modified abdominal stretch. Christian manages to get to his feet so Swagger hits a gutbuster then perches Christian on the top. Christian tries to counter with a tornado DDT, blocked by Swagger. Christian catches a sleeper but Swagger drives him back into the turnbuckle and applies a chancery takedown. Christian is backed into a corner, Swagger puts him on top again but Christian fights him off and gets a missile dropkick for 2. FINLAY is next! Christian avoids a charge in the corner and hits a kick as the mad tweener Irishman with the kid-pleasing music hits the ring at full throttle. Clotheslines for all! He drops Christian onto Swagger! Finlay roll to Christian, then he kicks Swagger out of the ring. Inside cradle by Christian! 1 count only. European uppercut and a leg drop to the gut by Finlay gets 2. Whip by Finlay, Christian catches him coming in and hits the diving European for 2. He runs the rops but gets tripped by Swagger from the outside and pulled to the floor! Finlay kicks Swagger in the face through the ropes! He throws Sawgger back in but gets caugh in the eye and rolled up for 3!

Current champ: Swagger

Swagger is alone in the ring, Christian comes in and gets a sunset flip for 2. A doctor is checking Finlay’s eyes on the outside. Swagger gets a boot to the gut and tries the Doctor Bomb, Christian counters and goes for the Killswitch, Swagger counters into a back suplex, Christain escapes out the back and hits the reverse DDT for 2. Belly 2 belly slam by Swagger as we get the countdown….DREAMER! He charges the ring and lebels Swagger, then catches Christian off the top with a gut shot. Bulldog to Swagger! Spinebuster bomb to Christian! 2 count only. Swinging neckbreaker to Swagger. Dreamer hangs Christian in the tree of woe and hits the low dropkick, but Swagger cuts him off and throws him into Christian. Finlay takes Swagger to the post on the outside, then rolls him in and takes him to the post! CELTIC CROSS! 1…2…3!

Current champ: Finlay

Snap mare and spine kick by Christian to Finlay gets 2. Dreamers whips Finlay and hits a charging back elbow, but Christian slams him down. Christian climbs but Dreamer follows, Christian pushes him down and into a lariat from Swagger. Swagger goes up with Christian now as Mark Henry arrives. He comes in and kills Dreamer then TOWER OF DOOM to Swagger and Christian, and they hit Dreamer! Henry throws Christian to the floor as we have 4 and a half minutes left! World’s Strongest Slam to Dreamer! 3 count!

Current champ: Henry

Finlay attacks Henry but gets knocked down, Swagger and Christian meet similar fates. They all pile on Henry and takes him to the outside, and Christian gets 2 on Finlay. Christian is whipped chest-first to the corner, then Finlay DIVES out onto Swagger on the floor! DREAMER with a senton off the apron to Henry! CHRISTIAN with a dive off the top! HENRY IS CLIMBING THE ROPES!!! Swagger takes him out in the knee to prevent the insanity…Vader Bomb!!! 1…2…3!

Current champ: Swagger

Swagger prevents Christian and Finlay from getting in but is blindsided by Henry. How do you miss that coming? HENRY hits the Boss Man attack on Swagger!!! He goes right through to the floor and Finlay takes him to the steps! Back inside…KILLSWITCH to Swagger! 1…2…NO! Dreamer breaks it up…DreamerDT! 1…2…3!

Current champ: Tommy Dreamer

Finlay gets a schoolboy! 1…2…no! Swagger rolls up Finlay! 2 count! Reverse DDT by Finlay on Dreamer! 1…2…broken up by everyone! DDT by Finlay to Swagger and Henry breaks it up! Dreamer DDTs Henry! He goes for a cover??? 10 seconds left, Christian goes for a top rope sunset flip…broken up! Mass pile-on for the last 5 seconds, and Dreamer survives!

Winner: Tommy Dreamer last pinning Christian

Edge confronts the on-probation Teddy Long, and asks for a triple threat match. Long says “EH EH!” Edge says he pinned the number 1 contender and never misses a PPV when he’s healthy. Long says take it up with someone who cares.

* IC Title vs. Mask Match: Chris Jericho vs. Rey Mysterio

Rey is out and in a zebra outfit. Jericho is not in a zebra outfit.

Jericho goes for the mask early. Why not just win the match? He gets a headlock and talks trash. Shoulderblock takes Rey down. Boot to the gut and a whip by Jericho, he chrages but Rey gets a boot up and hits a top rope rana. Jericho goes to the floor, Rey tries a slide kick but Jericho catches his legs and WHIPS HIS HEAD INTO THE BARRICADE! That’s Motrin pain. Jericho poses while Rey counts stars. Back inside, Jericho slingshots Rey’s neck into the underside of the bottom rope, then gets a delayed suplex for 2. Crossface chickenwing applied by Jericho. Remember when that hold was inescapable? Rey gets placed on top backwards, Jericho goes up behind him and again goes for the mask. Rey elbows him off and hits a La Silla press! Rey charges into a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for 2. Jericho takes Rey to the corner and chokes him a little. For fun. More EVIL HEEL stuff from Jericho as he kicks Rey under the rope and to the floor. Jericho tries to suplex Rey back in, he comes out the back and tries to rally with some shots but Jericho hits a muay thai knee to the head for 2. Butterfly lock by Jericho now. Rey gets to his feet and kicks the knee of Jericho, a whip is reversed by Rey hangs on to the ropes. Jericho charges but Rey moves and Jericho goes to the floor! REY FLIES! La Silla to the floor but it looked like he fucked his knee. Clearly not as he’s up and kickg away at the legs of Jericho, then comes HIGH off the top with a springboard crossbody for 2. Headscissors by Rey and a triple-jump moonsault!!! Holy hell! 2 count only. Whip by Rey but he drops his head, Jericho kicks him in it and whips him, Rey tries a quebrada press but Jericho catches him…POWERSLAM! 1…2…2.8022! Jericho slows the pace down with some measured shots. Whip to the corner, Jericho charges and gets ringpost. MOONSAULT PRESS gets 2 for Rey. Rey tries the rana again, Jericho holds on and counters to the Walls! Middle of the ring, nowhere to go! The crowd is MOLTEN for this. Rey crawls to the ropes and gets there with the help of some shots to the thigh of Jericho. Jericho charges and Rey moves AGAIN, but Jericho holds on! Dropkick by Rey and Jericho is in position for a reverse 619…Jericho moves! BOOM Jericho levels him with a clothesline from the apron. Jericho goes up top, Rey meets him and stops that idea. Rey goes up with him and tries a rana…SUPER POWERBOMB COUNTER! FEET ON THE ROPES! 1…2…2.90006!!! Lionsault attempt MISSES! Rana! 1…2…NO!!! Rey ducks a clothesline, dropkick to the back! 619 position! Rey charges…JERICHO catches him! Argentine backbreaker, he spins…DDT BY REY! 1…2…2.9117! WOW. Rey ducks another clothesline, tries to leap off with a springboard CODEBREAKER!!! Jericho is slow to cover!!! 1…2…2.9744!!!!!!! There may be a riot if Jericho wins, this crowd is insane. Jericho argues with the ref before hitting a stun gun. He perches Rey on the top and goes up with him. Headbutts by Jericho. He went for a super Codebreaker! Missile dropkick to the back! 619!!!! Springboard…CAUGHT! WALLS! Rey is fighting….fighting…he rolls through! Series of rollups for 2!!! JERICHO HAS THE MASK! Wait…REY HAS 2 MASKS!!!!!!!!! Enziguiri! 619! Splash! 3!!!!!

Winner: Rey Misterio via pinfall (619/splash combo)

Jericho remonstrates with Long. He wants his rematch tonight! Long says “EH EH!” Apparently he’s 1 months away from 5 years as GM. And he didn’t get there by giving in to everyone, so GET TO STEPPIN’!

* NO DQ Match: Dolph Ziggler vs. The Great Khali

Somewhere Small is looking for the strawberry personal lubricant.

Ziggler dodges twice and hits a leg kick, but gets caught the thrid time. Whip and a HUGE chop by Khali. Whip to the corner, Ziggler comes out with a basement dropkick and tries to mount Khali in the corner. Khali tires of his insolence and shrugs him off the top to the floor. Short arm clothesline on the floor, and another big chop. Khali measure another but only gets the post! Ziggler with a HUGE dropkick off the apron! He goes for it again but Khali cuts him off with another chop. Ouch. Ziggler has looked good so far. Khali misses a boot in the corner and gets his leg caught on the top rope! Ziggler snaps it over the top and gets a chair! Shot to the knee! He goes for one to the head but Khali blocks, so Ziggler hits a chop block and a Fameasser! 1…no. Emphatically no as Khali tosses Ziggler over the ref’s back. Front facelock by Ziggler now, Khali gets to his feet, lifts Ziggler and throws him off. Boot to the facer by Khali and he measure Ziggler…KANE! Why is he here and who told them we wanted that feud again? Ziggler with several chair shots to the knees of Khali, and Kane is in the ring! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! He wears out Khali! Kane leaves the ring and Ziggler gets the pin!

Winner: Dolph Ziggler via pinfall (Kane flurry of chairshots.)

McMahon says that Long has done nothing in his almost 5 years. He’s so boring that if he was in a foxhole with McMahon, Vince would shoot himself. Lovely.

* Unified Tag Team Title Match: Carlito and Primo Colon © vs. Legacy

A tag title match on PPV? Pinch me. I still wish the Colons would wear at least one of the belts properly. It’s the old-school in me, show some respect to the belts dammit. DiBiase and Rhodes have new music, AGAIN. At least it sucks less. TEDDY LONG is out to make it a triple threat! With who though?

YOU THINK YOU KNOW ME! EDGE!!!!!

BREAK THE WALLS DOWN! JERICHO!!!!!!!!

Holy cow. Legacy and the Colons take the two interlopers to the floor early and the bell rings.

Carlito and Ted to start. Carlito with shots, a whip is reversed and Carlito jumps over a charging Ted and hits a big clothesline. Tag to Primo, Carltio hits a drop toehold and Primo with the headbutt for 2. Jawbreaker by Ted, Jericho tags himself in and gets a backdrop from Primo. Rhodes tags himself in and gets a facelock, then tags in Ted. Primo fights back and gets a leg drop for 2. tag to Carlito who gets a dropkick for 2. Sleeper applied by Carlito. Ted gets to his feet and Primo tags himself in, his hiptoss is blocked and turned into a nice takedown by Ted followed by a kick to the head. Tag to Cody who gets a series of stomps and shots. Ted back in with more kicks and EVIL HEEL tactics. Rhodes back in, they whip Primo chest-first to the turnbuckle. Cody with a snap mare and a stretch hold. Primo fights out and Edge tags himself in but misses a spear! DiBiase tags himself in again! Suplex by Ted and a series of elbows gets 2. Primo escapes a scoop slam with a schoolboy for 2. Rhodes back in with a nice dropkick and gets a one count. Jackknife gets another 1 count. Neck vise by Rhodes, Primo rolls him up and gets 2! Clothesline by Rhodes takes Primo down again for 2 more. Edge and Jericho are being shut out of the match, but the fans seem behind them. Cody with a Gory Special!!!! No, seriously! Edge comes in to break the hold. Primo kicks Rhodes off but Cody tags in Ted who cuts Primo off. Whip by DiBiase, he drops his head and Primo kicks him then tosses him out. Primo is alone in the ring and HOT TAG!!! Senton into the ring on Rhodes! Kneelift and clothesline for Rhodes! Sprinboard back elbow gets 2! That was really sloppy. DiBiase breaks the pin, Primo takes him out with a clothesline. JERICHO hits the Codebreaker on Primo! Carlito throws him to the floor and then runs over and levels Edge! Rhodes charges but his shoulder hits the cornerpost! He also caught Edge’s hand, I bet that counts as a tag…Yup, ref is signalling tag but Carlito misses it. BACKSTABBER by Carlito, but Rhodes is not legal! SPEAR! 1…2…3!!!

Winners: Edge and Chris Jericho via pinfall (Edge on Carlito, Spear)

Orton doesn’t care that Legacy lost. Teddy is pissed and says he doesn’t care about them, and Orton seems nonplussed. DiBiase walks off, and we see the first signs of cracking in the Legacy facade.

* WWE Women’s Title Match: Melina © vs. Michelle McCool

Grisham points out that Melina has held the belt for 5 months. And she has defended it how many times in that 5 months? Mrs Taker is out with Alicia Fox who won’t figure in the decision at ALL, I’m sure.

Michelle with knees early, she tries a whip but Melina catches her with a back elbow. Melina with shots but Michelle catches her coming off the ropes and has her up for a choke bomb…DDT counter by Melina, and she rolls through to full mount! McCOol throws her off but Melina comes back with heavy forearms and a back body drop and a seated clothesline for 2. Melina ties McCool in the ropes, the ref breaks it and Michelle hits a dropkick to the knee. She goes to work on the leg now and gets half mount for some shots for a one count. Back to work on the leg now. She wraps the leg in the ropes for added leverage then slams it off the ring steps. McCool wedges Melina’s leg between the steps and the ring, then kicks the steps. OUCH. 2 count for McCool. Gutbuster, she holds Melina over her knee then BENDS MELINA SO HER FOOT TOUCHES HER HEAD! Ow. She tries a facewash but Melina moves and sets McCool in the corner, but McCool counters and hits a chop block. Melina fights back with a kick to the head out of a headscissors, she tries it again but McCool counters into a Faithbreaker…no! Rana by Melina! Kick by Melina hurts her own leg but gets a 2 anyway. McCool gets a kick of her own to come back but gets 2 only. She drives Melina to the corner and puts her on top and tries for a superplex…Melina pushes her off and hits a top rope facebuster for 2 before Fox puts McCool’s foot on the rope. MELINA with the kick between the ropes to Fox! She sets for the flip bomb but McCool counters and hits a SICK kick to the head! 1…2…NO! Faithbreaker connects! 1…2…3!

Winner: Michelle McCool via pinfall (Faithbreaker)

* World Title Match: CM Punk © vs. Jeff Hardy

Champ is out first to a Cena-like reaction. Good job of showing pro- and anti-Punk signs in the crowd. Hardy of course gets the screams.

Lockup, clean break from Punk in the corner. Headlock by Hardy, Punk reverses it. Shoulderblock by Punk takes Hardy down. Waistlock by Punk, Hardy reverses, Punk gets a hammerlock, Hardy grabs a headlock and takedown. We’re going this route? OK, we’ll see. Hardy holds on to the headlock and tries to get a Hardy chant going…not so successful. Punk snatches out and gets a takedown of his own, another shoulderblock by Punk. He blocks a hip toss and tries for the GTS! Reversed into a crucifix for 2 by Hardy. Hardy goes for the Twist of Fate, Punk pushes him off but gets backdropped to the outside! HARDY FLIES with a slingshot crossbody to the outside. He takes Punk to the barricade and tries for Poetry in Motion off the steps…Punk moves! Punk rolls back inside but interrupts the countout. Hardy is in at 9 and Punk gets a quick 2 count. Kicks to the spine by Punk and a figure four necklock by Punk. He hits some elbows to the top of Hardy’s head then breaks the hold to get 2. Backbreaker by Punk gets 2 more. This is possibly the best match I’ve seen Punk work in WWE. Another figure four necklock by Punk. Hardy breaks the hold and Punk scoops, slams and goes to the second rope…MISSES a leg drop! That landing looked bad. Punk charges in the corner and catches nothing but turnbuckle! WHISPER IN THE WIND! 1…2…no! Clothesline by Hardy, a series of them now, then an inverted atomic followed by the double leg drop to the groin for 2. Gourdbuster by Hardy, he goes up top and are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Sure Brain, but what if the rhinoceros won’t wear the Speedos?

No Pinky. Swanton time! Punk is thinking it apparently, as he rolls outside. CLOTHESLINE TO THE OUTSIDE by Hardy! He rolls Punk back inside and dropkicks him into the corner, seated. Corner mule kick COUNTERED into GTS position! Hardy holds the ropes so Punk puts him down. HEAD KICK! Kigh knee/bulldog combo! 1…2…no! Series of strikes by Punk, Hardy ducks one and hits the Twist of Fate out of nowhere! Almost RKO-like! No, actually EXACTLY RKO-like. SWANTON TIME!!! MISSES!!! Punk wants the GTS, inside cradle! 1…2…2.774! Punk back up with a huge kick! GTS countered again! Twist of Fate!!! SWANTON!!! Hardy can’t cover! He gets there! 1…2…3???

Winner: Jeff Har…huh? The ref is saying no! Punk’s foot was under the rope before the 3 count, and the ref made the right call as per the replay. It was intentional on Punk’s part too. Hardy is arguing with the ref while Punk recovers. Twist of Fate countered! GTS!!! Hardy elbows his way out and Punk is holding his eye. The ref checks on Punk and I smell a possum. PUNK KICKS THE REF!!!! Helloooooo heel turn. Hardy is shocked but Punk looks confused. “Bullshit!” – Sacramento. Yes indeed.

Winner: Jeff Hardy via DQ (Punk kicked the ref…by accident?)

Hardy accuses Punk of doing it on purpose, Punk denies it. Hardy ain’t buying it and attacks him on the ramp! He chases him to the ring and beats holy hell out of him, attacking the injured eye. This of course makes the fans love Hardy.

The Colons are in with Long, who says he did it to save his own job. He stands by his decision and he’s done talking. GET TO STEPPIN’!

* John Cena vs. The Miz

Really looking forward to this, if only because I think there’s a chance Cena jobs. Tremendous, there’s a sign in the front row saying “PLEASE! No more Cena vs Big Show!” Amen, my brother. VERY pro-Cena crowd. Awww man, the John Deere merch is here to stay.

Cena looks very relaxed and is smirking. Quick takedown by Cena and he goes to the leg. They lock up again, back leg trip by Cena. Miz charges but Cena grabs an arm bar, takes Miz down and stamps the arm. He dodges another charge and grabs a headlock takedown. WE NEED MORE OF THIS FROM CENA! Shoulderblock by Cena, he avoids a leapfrog and takes Miz down with a headlock. Miz gets the rops and then gets a headlock of his own, the run the ropes and Cena gets a hiptoss. Cena drops his head and gets kicked…and no sells it. Miz flees. Cena gives chase but gets caught coming in, he scoops up Miz who escapes out the back and on to the apron where he snaps Cena’s neck backwards over the rope. Miz in control with shots in the corner and he hits the charging clothesline in the corner. Miz up top…double axehandle to the back of the head gets 2. Kick to the head of Cena and a nice suplex gets 2 more. Chest-first whip by Miz and a clothesline gets 2. Miz with the low dropkick sending Cena to the outside. He rolls Cena back in and gets 2 more. Good start. Cena fights back and gets the flying shoulder and the blue thunder bomb. YOU CANNOT VISUALLY PERCEIVE HIS PERSONNAGE! 5 phlanges in full physiog! Attitude Adjustment, and now the STF! Oh fuck you Cena. Miz taps.

Winner: Super Cena via submission (STF)

Needed more…

KRYPTO-NATE!

* WWE Title Three Stages of Hell Match: Randy Orton © vs. HHH
(The 1st Fall is a Regular Match, The 2nd Fall is Falls Count Anywhere Match, If Needed, the 3rd Fall is a Stretcher Match.)

Champ is out first, alone. HHH has his leg wrapped. Cole points out that HHH was in both of the other two 3 Stages of Hell matches, and he is undefeated. We got about half an hour to go.

Trading shots to start, Orton gets a shoulderblock takedown but HHH comes back with a high knee. Whip reversed but HHH comes out of the corenr with a clothesline. Shots in the corner by HHH until the ref breaks it. Whip, HHH charges into the boot of Orton who tries to take HHH’s leg to the post, but HHH blocks and drags Orton’s head to the post. Orton gets suplexed back in and HHH gets a 2. Another whip, HHH drops his head and gets kicked but HHH gets a kick of his own…PEDIGREE countered as Orton goes to the leg. He takes the leg to the apron and now to the ring post. HHH tries to fight back but Orton goes back to the leg. He drops a knee on the leg and tries for the RKO but HHH pushes him off and gets the spinebuster, barely. HHH sells the leg and gets caught by Orton in the chinlock backbreaker. Orton tells the ref to count as HHH is outside. He tries to come back in but Orton kicks him down. HHH has a chair! He nails Orton with it and the ref DQs him!

Winner of fall one: Randy Orton via DQ (chair shot)
Orton up 1-0.

LAME. Brock Lesnar did that in an iron man match with Angle a few years ago. HHH continues to wear out Orton with the chair as it is now legal. To the back of the head!!! Orton has been decimated! Orton rolls to the outside, HHH goes for the Pedigree on the floor! Hits it! 1…2…3!

Winner of fall two: HHH via pinfall (Pedigree on the outside)
Tied 1-1

HHH gets the stretcher while the crew lays out the tape. Orton is out, HHH has the stretcher up the ramp but Orton was playing possum! He gets off and kicks the stretcher into HHH’s leg, then gets a chop block on the ramp! The stretcher almost runs into HHH’s head too. Oops. Orton CROTCHES HHH on the barricade! That’ll turn you soprano. HHH is in the crowd now, and here comes the crowd brawl. Oh yay. Orton takes him to a barricade. HHH fights back as they head back towards the ring…HHH clotheslines Orton back over the barricade! Selective selling, go! HHH is in control, Orton rips the padding off the barricade and whips a charging HHH into it. Then he hits HHH…with the padding? Oooo k. Orton back suplexes HHH onto the bare barricade! Damn! Orton has the stretcher now, HHH is on it but fights back up. Orton with a kick and a whip into the steps. HHH is back in the ring, Orton has the steps and throws them in the ring. This won’t end well for Orton. Nope, drop toehold and Orton goes face first into the steps. HHH has the steps…WHAM into the face of Orton. Remember when HHH could barely stand? Oh yeah, that was 5 minutes ago. HHH drags Orton onto the stretcher and takes him up the ramp againbut Orton revives halfway up and kicks HHH off. HHH climbs on the stretcher and they go for a ride! STRETCHER CRASH! Orton is holding his back as HHH tries to get him on the stretcher, but Orton fights back and slams HHH into the stretcher head first! He uses the stretcher to elevate the legs of HHH…DDT ON THE RAMP!!! Orton measures HHH for the punt…he missed! He kicked the stretcher and he looks hurt! Pedigree!!! NO! Orton backdrops HHH on to the stretcher! Orton starts the push up the ramp and HHH is not moving. He falls off at the top of the ramp but Orton pounces on him with right hands. Orton sets in the viper pose, RKO countered! HHH pushes him off into the set and sets for the Pedigree…CONNECTS on the stage! HHH goes after the stretcher and tries to lift Orton’s dead weigght. They’re at the top of the ramp, HHH has a foot to go…RHODES! Rhodes blocks the stretcher and attacks HHH! Rhodes soon loses control and gets taken into the set, but now DiBiase blocks the stretcher!!! Both members of Legacy are beating on HHH! They try to get him on the stretcher, he fights back briefly but gets beaten down some more. HBK maybe? Orton is still out by the way. WHERE DID HE GET THAT FROM! HHH has Sledgie and levels Legacy before Orton punts him in the nuts! Orton creams HHH with part of the stage and HHH lands on the stretcher! Orton pulls him across!!!

Winner: Randy Orton via crossing the line (not to TNA)

HHH is behind a celebrating Orton with the hammer! Orton doesn’t see him…now he does! TO THE BACK OF THE HEAD! HHH poses with Sledgie over a downed Orton and decides to start limping again. Both of Legacy are STILL down. What the hell was in that hammer?

Good night folks! Don’t forget to give us your thumbs up or down in the comments!