The Bash 2009 Breakdown

Posted by J.D. Dunn on 07.01.2009

Now that they're not using the "Great" modifier, we finally have truth in advertising. And this show lives down to that standard.

The Bash 2009

by J.D. Dunn
Twitter.com/jddunn411
Brightkite.com/jddunn411
Facebook.com/jddunn411

June 28, 2009

Live from Sacramento, Calif.

Your hosts are Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, Jim Ross, Todd Grisham, Joey Styles and Matt Striker.

Opening Match, ECW Title Scramble
Christian and Jack Swagger start. Swagger keeps Christian grounded with wacky amateur-pro hybrid moves. It's too bad Shelton Benjamin arrived just as Swagger left, because they could have worked well with one another. Finlay is next, and he loves to fight. He gives Swagger the Finlay Roll but falls victim to the DREADED EYEPOKE at 4:40. Swagger becomes the new ECW Champ. Tommy Dreamer is up next and for a guy with the physique (and real hair) of Al Bundy, he does pretty well for himself. Dreamer and Christian fall to the floor in a fight, so Finlay drops Swagger on his head with the Celtic Cross at 8:09. Mark Henry is in next, and they work in a big Tower of Doom spot that lands on Dreamer. Dreamer gets squashed with the World's Strongest Slam at 10:24. Everyone gangs up on Henry and knocks him out. Finlay sends Christian into a Bret Bump in the corner and then hits a suicide dive on Swagger. Isn't Finlay like 80 years old or something? Henry teases jumping off the top rope onto a gaggle of wrestlers on the floor, but Swagger clips him from behind and hits a pump-splash to regain the title at 12:17. Everyone starts rolling each other up. Dreamer manages to hit Christian with the DDT at 13:23. CUE THE CLUSTERFRICK! Everyone jumps on everyone else, going for covers, but no one can get another pin. Time just peters out at 14:45 (er, 15:00) to give Dreamer the successful retention. Started out pretty good and then went clunky and moved in fits and starts. **1/2

Edge storms into Teddy Long's crib and wants to be on the show. Teddy: Why don't you be a referee for my match tonight? Edge: Because I'm not booked, Teddy!

Intercontinental Title vs. Mask: Chris Jericho vs. Rey Mysterio.
Jericho is still obsessed with the mask, and he goes right after it from the get-go. Rey is able to use Jericho's anger against him and hits a flying rana. Jericho catches him sliding, though, and just slings his head right into the barricade. HOLY DEVASTATOR'S TESTICLES! Jericho methodically works Rey over, but Rey comes back with the Thesz Press from the top to the floor. Back in, Rey gets a spiffy springboard slingshot moonsault. ONE, TWO, TH-NO! Grisham wonders if there's ever been another superstar who could do something like that. Yeah, WCW had like 50 of them. Moonsault block by Rey! ONE, TWO, TH-NO! Rey tries to roll up Jericho into a huracanrana, but Jericho blocks and turns it into the Walls of Jericho. Rey makes the ropes and tries a 619, but Jericho nails him with the clothesline. Jericho gets caught going up, which is a lapse in strategy as pointed out by J.R.. Good call. Mysterio sets up for the Dragonsteiner, but Jericho counters to a POWERBOMB off the top. Feet on the ropes! ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! Lionsault misses, and Rey gets a whirlybird DDT out of the Torture Rack. ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! Great callback to their Night of Champions match. Rey springboards… right into a Codebreaker! ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! Jericho sets up for the huracanrana, but Rey blocks, sending Jericho to the canvas. Rey's missile dropkick knocks Jericho into the ropes. 619! Rey springboards… into the Liontamer! Crowd is FREAKING OUT! Rey reverses to a rollup, which Jericho reverses. Jericho rips off Rey's mask on the kickout. Turns out Rey has a second mask underneath the first, and that distraction allows Rey to dropkick Jericho into the ropes. 619! Springboard Splash! ONE, TWO, THREE! Rey regains the title at 15:40. Fantastic match, and if Shawn Michaels or the Undertaker were never born, this would probably be the WWE Match of the Year. As it is, it cements Rey/Jericho as the frontrunner for Feud of the Year. The usual praise applies – leading the audience to think they know where the match is going and then spinning it off in a different direction, playing off spots in previous matches, and just overall creative storytelling. Get it! ****1/2

Highlights of the bizarre Trump/McMahon deal. Even Tim Geithner doesn't understand this one.

Chris Jericho is irate that Rey cheated and wore a second mask. Teddy Long tells him to shut up (in many more words).

No DQ, No COR: Dolph Ziggler vs. The Great Khali (w/Ranjin Singh).
So Ziggler called out anyone to come face him only to have Khali answer. No one EVER learns from the Honky Tonk Man. That led to a DQ when Ziggler used the chair and a COR victory over Khali, hence the stipulations tonight. Nice to see Dolph finally doing something because he was introducing himself for like a year. He seems like someone who would traditionally be stuck in a tag team. Khali does a lot of chops, which is actually a lot more awesome than it sounds. Ziggler works the legs, including chairshots. He could do better chairshots, actually. Constructive criticism. After a few minutes, Kane comes out, scares Ziggler off, and destroys Khali with the chair. That allows Ziggler to get the pin at 5:00. Ziggler parties like it's 2009, but his win is buried in the segue to the Kane/Khali feud. *

In the back, Vince McMahon tells Teddy Long to get a personality like the other General Managers he's fired over the years. Vince wants excitement and controversy.

Unified Tag Titles: The Colons vs. Priceless vs. Edge & Chris Jericho.
Am I supposed to call them Priceless or Legacy? Teddy Long inserts Edge & Jericho at the last minute. Edge and Jericho immediately become the crowd favorites, but, and this is a great booking move – the other teams won't let them in! When Edge finally does tag in, he misses a charge… and gets tagged right back out. The stuff with the Colons and Legless is pretty standard. In fact, I don't even remember anything worth writing down. Finally, a fracas erupts, and Carlito hits Cody with the Backstabber. Edge tags Cody on the way down, though, and spears a startled Carlito to win his billionth tag title at 9:37. Congratulations, Edge. Your right back where you were a decade ago. Seriously, though, giving Edge & Jericho the titles makes the titles instantly more important. It also pushes two heels out of the way should they decide to go full heel with Punk. **1/4

In the back, Ted Dibiase objects to being Randy Orton's buttmonkey. Funny ending:

Dibiase: Good luck with Triple H.
Orton: DON'T YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT!

Yeah, that was so insolent. He just crossed the line.

Women's Title: Melina vs. Michelle McCool (w/Alicia Fox).
Well, at least this had decent psychology. They do a lot of work around Melina's injured knee. Pretty boring and heatless, although Michelle does bend Melina over and touch her foot to the back of her head. Melina fights back, but she keeps using moves that make her land on her knee. Silly. She hits a bulldog and lands on her knee, which allows Alicia to put Michelle's foot on the ropes on the cover. Michelle finishes with the Faithbreaker (Styles Clash) at 6:32. Willie hears ya. Willie don't care. Nothing wrong with the work involved really, but they just don't invest anything in these matches, so neither does the audience (at least outside of cameltoe shots). *

World Heavyweight Title: CM Punk vs. Jeff Hardy.
Awkward family dynamic. They show two kids in the audience, who, I assume are brothers. One has a CM Punk sign. The other has Jeff Hardy armbands. I do not envy the parents in that car ride. No face paint for Jeff. SUPER SERIAL! Punk gets a mixed reaction – to say the least – and the fans are clearly buying Hardy's side of things. The funny thing is that, had Edge retained only to have Punk cash in, Punk would have been the greatest hero ever, so, by definition, his actions are not immoral. They just don't like who he beat. Punk is very Bret Hart-'97-like in this match, doing things that aren't technically wrong, but still piss off the crowd. It's like he got a lecture from Trent in Swingers. "I don't want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone's *really* hoping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy you're not sure whether or not you like yet. You're not sure where he's coming from. Okay?" We see this right away when Jeff backdrops him over and goes out after him, but Punk avoids Poetry in Motion and seems content to take the countout. Jeff dives in at the last second. Punk becomes progressively more frustrated, especially after Jeff kicks out of the knee/bulldog combo. Of course, that *never* gets the pin, so I don't know what his problem is. Hardy ducks a backfist and hits the Twist of Fate. The Swanton misses, so Punk calls for the Go2Sleep. Hardy reverses to a rollup. ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! Hardy with a second Twist of Fate, and the Swanton hits this time. ONE, TWO, THREE! Oh, but Punk had his foot under the bottom rope, so the ref restarts the match. Hardy calls for another Twist of Fate, but Punk reverses to the Go2Sleep. Hardy elbows out of it, though, and catches poor CM Punk in the eye. And to make matters worse, it's one of those eye injuries that affects the other eye too and creates the illusion that the ref is actually your opponent. Have you ever had those? They suck. Punk tries to kick Hardy but kicks the ref instead. The ref, not being the most understanding individual about such an injury, disqualifies Punk at 15:00. The action in the match was just okay, but Punk is such an awesome character when he's a weasel. Plus, Hardy gets screwed over twice, infuriating the crowd at Punk. Even better, Punk apparently has Jim Ross convinced of his innocence. **3/4

After the match, Hardy is pissed and tracks Punk down in the aisle for a spazzy beatdown. And here's the great part: Punk doesn't defend himself because he has an eye injury.

In a blink-and-you'll-miss-it Eddy Guerrero-ish moment, Punk cracks a little smile as the ref is helping him up the ramp.

In the back, The Colons want to know what's what from Teddy Long. Long says he stands by his decision, but he's clearly feeling some pangs of remorse.

Elsewhere, Randy Orton can't get Cody on the phone.

John Cena vs. The Miz.
You know, thematically, this match is all screwed up. Given the feud they're having (that Miz is barely worth Cena's time), this should have went one of two ways A) Cena destroys Miz Ultimate Warrior-'88 style, or B) Cena destroys Miz but loses in some sort of fluke or interference. Instead, they have a fairly normal Raw match. Cena dominates before Miz catches him by snapping his neck on the ropes. Miz takes over and works the neck, but he doesn't do much of note. Cena catches him with the AA and finishes with the STF. Miz taps with both hands, giving Cena the win at 5:38. They're in a tough spot with Cena. There's too much invested in him to be a heel. He's not interesting as a squeaky clean babyface. In fact, it's no wonder that he's slipping from storyline relevance and turning into the WWE's version of Paris Hilton – he's famous for being John Cena, not for being in the title hunt or doing anything interesting on Raw. My solution: feud him with a woman. Haven't seen one of those in a while. Have some lusty young diva wench try to seduce him, but have him politely turn her down, so she, being scorned, unleashes the fury on him in the form of… well, just come up with something. Do I have to do everything? *

Sidebar: This is why Superman movies tend to suck and Batman movies tend to be pretty good (as long as the director stays true to the characters – Joel Schumacher, I'm looking at you). The first Superman movie was okay because they added in that Spider-Manish overdeveloped sense of responsibility from his father's death. Superman II blows it away because it confronts Superman with the dilemma of being all-powerful and alone or Clark Kent and in love. When the Unholy Trio threatens to conquer earth, he realizes that the world is bigger than just Clark and Lois, and with great power comes great responsibility. (Btw, if you haven't figured it out yet, the first two Superman movies sound an awful lot like the Spider-Man mythology, which is probably why, as they got more outlandish – and DCish - with III and IV, the series stalled).

I guess my main bullet point with all this is that Cena is being presented as Superman – incorruptible, invincible, and dramatically boring as hell – and they need to give him a bit of a character edge -- a moral weakness, not just a physical one.

WWE Heavyweight Title, Three Stages of Hell: Randy Orton vs. Triple H.
Traditional Rules: You mean I get to watch these guys THREE TIMES?! Awesome. Standard stuff until Triple H gets tossed to the floor and destroys Orton with a chairshot for the DQ at 4:52. Triple H continues to destroy Orton, thus gaining an advantage in the last two falls. That's *extremely* risky. In the Iron Man Match, you can afford to do that to get a temporary advantage, but now HHH has to win two straight.

Falls Count Anywhere: Michael Cole is literally the last person on earth to figure out that it was part of HHH's strategy. Cole: So you're saying, King, that you think HHH would sacrifice a fall? Jesus. You're KILLIN' me, Smalls. Hunter takes Orton to the floor for a Pedigree and wins the second fall on the floor at 6:19.

Stretcher Match: Okay, now that we've gotten everything interesting out of the way… Hunter tries to shove Randy across the line quickly, but Orton hops off the stretcher and shoves it back into HHH. Lots of using of the ringsteps follow. Nothing interesting. Good spot as Orton tries to punt Hunter in the head, but Hunter moves, and Orton stubs his toe on the stretcher. Nothing really comes of it; it's just kind of cute. Orton puts Hunter on the stretcher and wheels him up the ramp. But wouldn't you know it – at the last second, Hunter rolls off. PEDIGREE! Hunter crawls over and puts Randy on the stretcher. Orton is slightly over the line, but this isn't hockey or football. You have to be all the way over. Oh, but Cody Rhodes and Ted Dibiase come out to stop HHH. Hunter is Hunter, though, so it's hardly a fair fight for Rhodes and Dibiase, so Hunter grabs his sledgehammer out of Han Solo's smuggling compartment and destroys them. ODIN! Orton punts HHH in the giblets, though, and wheels him across for the win at 21:31. I liked the twist with Hunter's strategy, but this suffered from their usual problems of sluggishness and attempts to force an epic feeling where none exists. **1/2

But wait! Having Orton win with the help of only two other guys leaves him with some dignity, so Hunter grabs his sledgehammer and brains Orton to get his heat back. And just in case you were worried, Michael Cole gets to work in "numbers game" thanks to this ending. I was worried. We're nearly out of time. I didn't think he'd get it in there.

The 411: As with the past few shows, everything not Raw (or Diva) is pretty good, and everything Raw drags down the show. It's not that the wrestling is significantly worse, but the storytelling is just horrible. The glass ceiling and absence of Shawn Michaels and Batista mean that they only really have HHH, Cena, and Orton as legit title contenders so we're going to get that cycle repeatedly for the foreseeable future. Conversely, Smackdown seems to have a policy of "hey, if you can get over your own way, do it." Gotta call this a thumbs down in spite of the brilliant work of Jericho and Rey Mysterio.

Recommendation to avoid.