A Brace for Impact 07.02.09

Posted by Chris Lansdell on 07.03.2009

McNew joins me as TNA muddy the waters even further before Victory Road, and we get a main event that goes some way to restoring our faith in humanity. Well, TNA anyway.

Greetings, humanity! Welcome to A Brace for Impact, where two 411mania writers give you their real-time thoughts on the show as it happens. I'm your host Chris Lansdell, and each week a special guest will be joining me. Before we get to the guest, I've noticed from the comments section that some people don't seem to get the column, while some love it. Let me explain a few things about A Brace for Impact:

This is not a play-by-play report. This is more along the lines of the multi-person Instant Analysis we do for PPVs, but more spontaneous.

This is not meant to be a non-stop laugh-fest. It's to give you some insight into the thought process of the writers, which is especially important when it comes to a show like Impact which is often maligned.

The chat comments will be genuine, off-the-cuff remarks around the match. At the end we talk ABOUT the match. With that said, here's this week's co-host...

Rob McNew!

BANNER!



MEM call out Foley

McNew: I know you guys touched on this last week, but I need to add on to the pile. Sting is the dumbest wrestler ever.
Lansdell: And how. I know hindsight is 20/20 but dude, seriously…stop allying with people.
McNew : If they're going with the "Joe took the money" angle he needs a suit.
Lansdell: : And not something you'd wear to a gay bar. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
McNew : Did Kurt forget why he shaved his head in the first place? He has aged 10 years in the last month.
Lansdell: He looks like Chavo. Or Ernie Osiris
McNew : I was going to say Randy Couture, but I'm late to that party too.
Lansdell: When did Angle become the boss?
McNew: When he won the belt?
Lansdell: Ah, so in TNA the champ is the GM. Thanks for clearing that up. At least we know who's in charge now.
McNew: TNA has the classic wrestling "board of directors". They just happen to all be wrestling personalities…Angle, Foley, Jarrett, Cornette
Lansdell: You can add Nash to that. Or at least you should be able to. And where IS Corny anyway?
McNew : I'm a huge fan of the Rocky series, but I don't ever remember hearing "If you want to dance you've gotta pay the band"
Lansdell: Never seen a single one of them
McNew : They have to be the most useless security force ever
Lansdell: They didn't even try! They just ran into the pipe. Giggity.
McNew : Former TNA Stars Rocco and Sally Boy. Coming to an indy show near you. Fall 2010
Lansdell: Angle just namedropped Monty Hall. I don't know if that's greatness or sadness.
McNew: I realize Foley's gimmick is being batshit insane, but come on...he didn't know that gangbang was coming? I take back what I said about Sting.
Lansdell: Ahh, but he had backup. SUPER JARRETT! Here he comes to save the day!


Eeeeeeeel Kabong! KABONG!

McNew : Yeah, how did that work out?
Lansdell: *headguitar*

Nash with Mike Tenay

McNew : I've heard this story about 900 times. We get it, Nash likes the cash
Lansdell: : Hey that rhymes! I think it works well though. Especially the cash-centric side. It helps explain why the moved away from Sting's vision of the Mafia, and one could almost make the case that they only included him and went along with the respect angle just because he was the champ. Of course I don't expect they'll ever say that on air, it would make sense.

Abyss and Lauren play psycho families

McNew : So I'm still confused on the whole Lauren-Abyss relationship
Lansdell: She seems to care for him, but as a protector
McNew : I think it works in a very odd way
Lansdell: As long as Abyss doesn't keep talking about pus. This Abyss, the dark and violent one with a heart, is just fine.

Cody Deaner vs Amazing Red

Lansdell: Hey look, a match!
McNew: Oh yay, its the methhead gimmick. This guy is another guilty pleasure
Lansdell: Deaner???
McNew : Yeah. Rednecks are funny
Lansdell: He takes a good bump and he really gets into the gimmick…OK nice comments exhausted.
McNew: He's a face though is he not?
Lansdell: Ummm...maybe? He should be, with ODB. Although in Russoville, that can change rather rapidly.
McNew : Holy shit, whatever that was from Red it was awesome.
Lansdell: Corkscrew plancha to the outside.
McNew: Yeah, that...it looked odd though. More like an actual corkscrew I guess. Very tight rotation, the Russian judge gives him a 9.5
Lansdell: I love how Deaner looks surprised when he gets some offence in.
McNew: He's been watching Santino matches.
Lansdell: Someone had to be. This is easily the most competitive match Cody has had thus far
Lansdell: OK so Tenay comparing ODBs boob movements to a third base coach? Tremendous
McNew: That was the best commentary moment from Tenay in years.
Winner: Amazing Red via pinfall ("Red Eye" top rope DDT)

McNew : Well finally an actual match from Deaner, as he got a little bit of offense in and bumped around for Red allowing him to do most of the work. **
Lansdell: Short and not particularly sweet, that one. I was hoping we'd see just what Deaner is capable of, but I guess Red needed a win to make his comeback something other than a tour of Jobsville. I wasn't terribly impressed here though. Let's go *3/4 to be nice and pleasant. A Code Red to finish would have meant a higher rating. I loved that move.

The hunt for Stevie-tober

Lansdell: Who's the old dude?
McNew: I think its Abyss's dad or something maybe?
Lansdell: James Mitchell is his dad.
McNew: Yeah, not real caught up on my TNA history. Of course they could retcon
Lansdell: Indeed. However, I think it more likely he's an uncle or something. It does seem a little random but considering that I normally harp on TNA for revealing too much at once, I'll wait and see.

The MEM visit Planet Jarrett

McNew: So we're going to have another month of the Mafia recruiting Jarrett?
Lansdell: : I dunno, I think he may want to join now. It's a good time to hedge his bets.
McNew : Or maybe not…
Lansdell: : Angle wants to rule the business with Jarrett for the next 10 years? God, please no.
McNew: Oh great, I love tag matches for singles titles.../sarcasm
Lansdell: It's pretty ridiculous. And if Jarrett can put Angle in a title match, how come Foley can't? I thought Angle decided who he fought?
McNew: I learned long ago not to ask questions when watching TNA
Lansdell: Is a little consistency too much to ask?

Jenna with Lauren

McNew: Jenna vs. Sharmell at Victory Road huh?
Lansdell: Jenna's not bad on the mic for a scrub. I still don't want to see the match, but hey.
McNew: Random Sojo! Sistas stick together
Lansdell: So she's a heel again? Better yet, she still has a job?
McNew: This week

Eric Young vs Rhino

Lansdell: Young's heel turn continues, huh?
McNew: I'm surprised they haven't just forgotten about it by now
Lansdell: Will it come with a push attached though? A protracted one? This poor guy has had more stops and starts than Iraqi democracy.
McNew: Eric is really good, but its really hard to take him seriously
especially as a heel. He's just so non-threatening
Lansdell: He just LOOKS goofy. And that smile doesn't help.
McNew: I was trying to be nice, but yes
Lansdell: OK so this Jesse Neal kid needs a barber. And possibly a different career.
McNew : As Bobby Heenan would say...that's a great haircut if you're going to the chair. So who's going to be the heel in the inevitable Rhyno-Neal break up?

Winner: Eric Young via pinfall (rope-assisted cover)

McNew: I just couldn't get into this match at all. I've never cared for Rhyno all that much, and I said my aforementioned thoughts on Young. Nothing much going on other than a set up for the Neal-Rhyno angle. Call it *

Lansdell: How did I know, when Young came out, that this was going to be a feet-on-ropes finish? It's the typical formula, like I discussed in my Serious column this week: Turn a guy, let him win a few in a row to confirm the turn, and you have a push. I agree with Rob, there's a Rhino-Neal feud in the offing, and I cannot see a soldier being heel. Still, this is about *½ because I really want to see EY make a go of this latest push and this is a good start, but I cannot in good conscience call that a good match.

Sharmell plays fetch

Lansdell: Matt Morgan has to learn to slow down. He has some good lines and his delivery would be fine if he didn't try to say a sentence all at once.
McNew: I thought he was going to attack her, then I realized he was just excited
Lansdell: That's all well and good, but it looked like Sharmell was on Dancing with the Stars with the pose she struck while he twirled her…

Morgan with the MEM

McNew: Booker is so amazing
Lansdell: If you can decipher him
McNew: That's part of the beauty
Lansdell: Did Morgan just give them an ultimatum??
McNew: I'm not sure that's a good plan
Lansdell: In fact I'm fairly sure it's the dumbest thing this side of Sting and Foley.

The Beautiful People vs Tara and Awesome KONG~!

Lansdell: OH YES…DAT AZZ CUBED
McNew : OK cameraman, do your thing
Lansdell: I love you cameraman
McNew: I believe now is when we hear something regarding contractual obligations of some kind
Lansdell: I don't know what you're talking about.
McNew: Do I have to call a lawyer?
Lansdell: Ladies and gentlemen! At this time I am contractually obliged to remind you that Kong kills bitches dead.
McNew: There it is.
Lansdell: : OH GOD they gave Tara a box. This won't end well.
McNew: I'm guessing there is a spider in there. She's like a really hot, less fucked up, Jake
Lansdell:: Without the $50 boogers. But remember Dustin's box? This SO won't end well.
McNew: I remember it ending up on a pole
Lansdell: Insert joke about Tara's box and my pole
McNew: I served it up for you like a Todd Wellemeyer curveball
Lansdell: You can put it on the boarrrrd….YES
McNew : About 2 percent of your audience got that, but the ones that did nodded
Lansdell: I'm not above obscure jokes. I am above wearing crocs, however.
McNew: Oh Velvet my dear, run...
Lansdell: Yes. Run a lot. And keep running.
McNew: Does Velvet's t-shirt say "I'm the Hot Friend"
Lansdell: She's wearing a t-shirt?
McNew: Well that thing that Velvet is wearing. Or has painted on
Lansdell: I missed it. Dat azz distracted me
McNew: Sorry, I was checking out the top shelf
Lansdell: However, I believe you are right about the shirt
McNew: Bitch Killing: Engaged
Lansdell: Wouldn't it have been an idea to give Tara the pin?
McNew: Well if Velvet was taking the fall I think its okay
Lansdell:: Kong's eyes were gold when Tara got the spider out.
McNew: Kong is scared of spiders?
Lansdell: That's what they did with Jake...EVERYONE was uncomfortable around Damian, even his partners

Winners: Tara and Awesome KONG~! via bitch-killing (Kong on Sky, Implant Buster)

McNew: Well that was good wholesome fun. Nothing wrong with that match at all, and this is coming from a guy who admittedly hates women's wrestling. Tara didn't get the fall which I guess means she's taking the title soon, considering that wrestling 101 says "If the challenger pins the champ in a tag or non-title match they'll lose the title match." Either way, good fun, helps keep Kong over as a killer and got Tara's spider gimmick over. Mission accomplished. **1/4

Lansdell: You know, I've seen far better from all four. It felt a bit disjointed and I'm not liking the spider thing right now, although it might grow on me. I just worry that we'll get another Kaz-Black Reign thing, or worse yet that Angelina brings in a spider-eating animal of some sort to devour the tarantula. Kong isn't, or shouldn't, be needed to get Tara over. ** because I think it did what they wanted it to do.

McNew: How can you not like the spider thing? Its going to work so well against these three.
Lansdell: Sure it will. And then what??
McNew: See, you're thinking ahead again...remember who you're talking about

Team 3D vs Steiner and Booker

McNew: Ahem…BEER!
Lansdell:: MONEY! On commentary!
McNew: How did Don West go from worst announcer in wrestling to best overnight? Is a heel turn all that was needed?
Lansdell: Amazing what a heel turn can do for some people. Look at The Rock
McNew: You just compared Don West to The Rock. I'm just sayin'.
Lansdell: No, I just said the were both rescued by heel turns
McNew: I know, just playin'. It's the only time in recorded history that The Rock and Don West have ever been mentioned in the same sentence
Lansdell: So Devon NEVER did roids, did he?
McNew: To me wrestling is like baseball...I assume they're all dirty
Lansdell: Even Evan Bourne?
McNew: After Benoit? Yes even Evan Bourne
Lansdell: After who? He never existed, did he?
Lansdell: We have one great team and two great tag guys here. However the average age…
McNew: Right, Steiner has won the tag titles how many times Scotty?
Lansdell: Too many to count
McNew: "Too Many to Count!" Translation: Steiner doesn't know
Lansdell: OK, scary thought: I think Booker is the youngest guy in this match
McNew: D-Von is only 37
Lansdell: ONLY?? That's a sad state of affairs right there.
McNew: Bubba is 38. Booker is 44
Lansdell: Yup, I was right...scary. When the youngest person in the match is 37, you have to wonder.
McNew: Booker being 44 makes me feel really old
Lansdell: Yeah really...I remember him in AWA
McNew: The Ebony Experience? Wasn't that their name?
Lansdell: That or something equally non-PC
McNew: This match is a total clusterfuck
Lansdell: Wait, what? Bashir and Kiyoshi? Why?
McNew: Entertaining, but still a clusterfuck
Lansdell: Where are the Brits? That's all we need to make this party complete.
McNew: There's way too much going on…There they are.
Lansdell: The British are coming! The British are coming! Oooh, that was a weak case shot. Weak.

Winners: Scott Steiner and Booker T via pinfall (Booker on Ray, Magnus case shot)

McNew: That was a classic example of way too much going on at one time. We had Kiyoshi and Sheik brawling around with Beer Money, Sharmell running interference with the referee, The Brits running in with the weaksauce briefcase shot. Just far too much going on. On the flipside I think there were more tag teams running around in this match alone than the WWE has on their entire roster. *1/2

Lansdell: This match felt exactly like what it was: four guys past their primes slugging it out. It did not entertain me, and in fact I was more into Beer Money, the Brits and Kiyoshi/Bashir than anything in the ring. TNA need to make more use of the young guys and stop feuding old guys with each other, because it's damn hard to watch. *

Jethro Holliday vs Jay Lethal…or not

McNew: So what 80's WWF guy would Lethal call Holliday? Bob Orton?
Lansdell: Looks more like Sam Houston.
McNew: Well never mind, because it looks like Jay wont even get to the ring
Lansdell: Rampaging Abyss! So has Jethro won a match in TNA yet?
McNew: I think he won his debut, in the tag match with EY
Lansdell: He did, but EY got the pin. I meant on his own.
McNew: He's getting the opposite of the new WWE guy push
Lansdell:: So won`t Stevie just bring the tazer out again if Abyss calls him out?
McNew: No more shock treatment, except for you...I don't like the sound of that. I'm thinking tazer on a pole is in the offing
Lansdell: I never want to see another one of those. I also never want to hear about Abyss' ass again
McNew: Stevie kidnapped Lauren...so for the third week in a row SoCal Val will need to step in as alternate backstage interview chick
Lansdell: What took Abyss so long to go hunting? Why wait until Stevie had finished taunting him?
McNew: He's not the sharpest tool in the shed
Lansdell: I don't thing he's IN the shed…

Tag team match for the World title: Jeff Jarrett and AJ Styles vs Kurt Angle and Samoa Joe

Lansdell: I love Jarrett's theme
McNew: I was just about ready to say the same thing
Lansdell: I USED to love AJ's theme. Is it me, or is Jarrett a bit off recently?
McNew: I think he looks so uncomfortable as a babyface, he looks like it just disgusts him to shake hands with the fans
Lansdell: Yeah, Jarrett is a born heel. Maybe that's it.
McNew: Angle's entrance doesn't work as well with MEM music
Lansdell: Oh my God, they're piping in chants. We really have hit WCW 1999.
McNew: Super special ring introductions!
Lansdell:Looks like AJ's been tanning.
McNew: They weighed in this morning? For what? This match was booked an hour and a half ago
Lansdell: OH NO! THE HOLE IN THE LOGIC!! You've ripped the fabric of sustained disbelief!
McNew: Yep, just broke my own rule. It also appears that Joe moved back to the Isle of Samoa. Taxes must have been hell in the Nation of Violence
Lansdell: God Kurt looks skinny
McNew: Better than the ‘roided up bloated look he had about 3 years ago
Lansdell: Maybe, but he looks emaciated now. Maybe Karen took him to the cleaners and he can't afford to eat.
Lansdell: So who turns on whom here?
McNew: It's Impact, so we might get a turn free match
Lansdell: I want some of what you're smoking
McNew: But if I were to guess I'd say the only one that logically makes sense would be Jarrett on AJ.
Lansdell: Which means that's the only one we won't get.
McNew: Right. They'll have AJ join the Mafia
Lansdell: Oh no.
McNew: Even though that would make as much sense as Sting joining the nWo...oh wait
Lansdell: Actually, it kind of does make sense. His mentor from a few months back joined them, his friend joined them, he could say he hated Jarrett for holding him down and firing Daniels so he did it …for The Rock for revenge.
McNew: During The Break, Joe and Angle beat the ever loving shit out of AJ. Glad we got that recap
Lansdell: For once TNA have a main event with 4 talented guys. Write down the time and date.
McNew: Excellent point. Oh, and remember what I said about guys on roids? Joe doesn't count
Lansdell: I dunno, Umaga was on SOMETHING3
McNew: I think Umaga was recreational drugs, no?
Lansdell:You might be right. I forget.
Lansdell: Hot tags are SO clichéd
McNew: They work every time though. Also I got to see Jarrett use the Pedigree as a transitional move again
Lansdell: And hear it called as a double-arm DDT. Oh yay, a ref bump. Wonder what happens next…
McNew: Speaking of clichés…
Lansdell: Well it was "pinfall with no ref to count" rather than interference, but it's still tired.
McNew: Umm...AJ, just break it up. He's RIGHT THERE.
Lansdell: Yeah really though. Why wait on the apron for a tag like a moron?
McNew: Great facial expression by Jarrett there. Although Shawn Michaels thinks he stayed in the ankle lock too long
Lansdell:Only two people have not tapped to that hold: Taker, and now Jarrett.
McNew : Seriously, they're going with the Austin/Bret finish?
Lansdell: Minus the double turn
McNew: Or blood. Or quality. Or really anything.
Lansdell: Nah, it was good stuff. Best on the show by a significant margin.
McNew: It was good. It wasn't Austin-Bret good, although, nothing is.
Lansdell: Cue comments about how that match was overrated.
McNew: So AJ was late to make the save, which will piss off Jarrett
Lansdell: And he didn't break the hold when he could, which is worse.
McNew: Wo we didn't get a turn, but we got events that will set one up, so that should count.
Lansdell: And we also get Sting being superhuman
McNew: John Cena thinks that was a bit over the top
Lansdell: After the beating he took, Sting should have been gone weeks, not A week.

McNew: Okay, so the match was very good although the finish was a bit hokey. No one should stay in the ankle lock that long. Everyone has tapped out to it at some point. EVEN HULK HOGAN. That being said the match was about as good of a TV main event as you'll see on Impact ***1/4

Lansdell: This match looked like it could redeem the whole show, and lo and behold that's what it did. It wasn't a great classic or anything, but it was better than anything else on the show. All 4 guys worked hard, despite Jarrett's steel ankle and Sting returning from a mega beatdown the very next week. However, the title picture is now cloudy as all get out with no challenger confirmed for Victory Road and 4 people wanting it. *** is as much as I can give this, because it felt too cluttered at the end.

Final Thoughts

McNew: As much as I liked Slammiversary and was ready to think that TNA was starting to pull even or even ahead of their counterparts in Stamford creatively everything since has just been disjointed, confusing, and downright TNAlike. Action was good, storylines aren't. And that my friends is TNA in a nutshell. Not a horrible show, but nothing great either.

Lansdell: What is there to say that McNew hasn't said? TNA is like that girl at work who could be so hot if she just took better care of herself: wore some makeup, brushed her hair, put in a little effort instead of rolling out of bed and into the car. Some of TNA's ideas are wonderful, their talent is top-notch but they have to stop trying to do so much at once, and they have to stop putting the older guys against each other. The problem is that as long as they keep pulling in 1.0 or higher ratings, they won't see a need to change.