A Brace For Impact 07.09.09

Posted by Chris Lansdell on 07.10.2009

You asked, I delivered. Making his Brace debut, it's...CSONKA!

Greetings, humanity! Welcome to A Brace for Impact, where two 411mania writers give you their real-time thoughts on the show as it happens. I'm your host Chris Lansdell, and each week a special guest will be joining me. Before we get to the guest, I've noticed from the comments section that some people don't seem to get the column, while some love it. Let me explain a few things about A Brace for Impact:

This is not a play-by-play report. This is more along the lines of the multi-person Instant Analysis we do for PPVs, but more spontaneous.

This is not meant to be a non-stop laugh-fest. It's to give you some insight into the thought process of the writers, which is especially important when it comes to a show like Impact which is often maligned.

The chat comments will be genuine, off-the-cuff remarks around the match. At the end we talk ABOUT the match. With that said, here's this week's co-host. The one, the only...

LARRY CSONKA~!

Lansdell: You ready for this?
Csonka: I'd like to start off this week's Brace with a song if I may, a little something to explain my vacation... AH HEMMM
Lansdell: Oh Christ
Csonka: AAHHHHHHHHHHH HEMMMMM
Csonka: Wasted away again in Margaritaville, Searchin' for my lost shaker of salt. Some people claim that there's a woman to blame, But I know… It's all Lansdell's fault.
Lansdell: Have another margarita there boss
Csonka: Thank you, I'll be here all week. Try your waitress, tip your veal...
Lansdell: Dude, we have a waiter
Csonka: Bullshit, I hired a chick. And i upgraded us to HD
Lansdell: Well that chick looks way too much like Randle
Csonka: Well, it is his mom.
Lansdell: Hey look, a distraction!
Csonka: BOOM GOES THE PYRO!

BANNER!



Foley and Jarrett lovefest

Csonka: Ahhh, Mickles kicks off the show for us this week, noting like an interview to kick off a wrestling show.
Lansdell: I'd feel lost without one. Also, the flannel appears to be back. Thank God. I just wasn't feeling the leopard print
Csonka: This is true. Foley = Flannel. And as far as Foley goes, yeah, let's pull back on the "Authority figures". Speaking of that, is Traci brooks ever coming back?
Lansdell: Or Jim Cornette. Isn't he the voice of TNA management?
Csonka: Supposedly, but they made cut backs, so he is a silent partner now.
Lansdell: A lot of married men would like one of those
Csonka: This is the truth. You know, this is what bothers me. These show opening interviews are basically good. The execution is good, but the fact is that week after week, they all run together for me.
Lansdell: At one point they went something like 5 weeks straight with the MEM opening the show. I get that this is the principle story right now, but it's still important after a 5-minute crowd-energising spotfest.
Csonka: Agreed, but the thing to remember is that in Vince Russo's booking, the wrestling is not important, it is a "distraction" to his "Storytelling". Like who remembers or cares that the MCMGs had tag titles from Japan? And now that they lost them, will they even mention it?
Lansdell: I would say they will mention it in passing, and then never speak of it again.
Lansdell: You know, I think TNA may have been sponsored by someone, but I can't figure out who it is. They don't have any advertising on screen anywhere.
Csonka: Sounds about right. And screw the haters, Foley still delivers when he talks. Oh noes, JEFF TWEAKED IT! Hey, let's give away a match with under two hours build that they could do on PPV. TNA hates money.
Lansdell: I gotta disagree with you there. I don't think Foley-Jarrett-Angle is a PPV main. Styles-Jarrett-Angle, yes. But an obvious 2-on-1 for the supposed faces? No thanks.
Csonka: Supposed faces, but we all know that they will have "dissention in the ranks".

Lauren with the British Invasion

Csonka: Good to see Lauren back from her kidnapping.
Lansdell: Brutus still rules on the mic
Csonka: Also, kudos to TNA for putting Magnus in a stable like this and for getting Doug Williams in the mix. Terry as the muscle works as well as to not expose him. This is one of the things that they have done right.
Lansdell: Blubber Ray! Brother Devon Custard! Every time that man is on the mic I love him more.
Csonka: He does well, and has charisma, and is an athlete. If he develops in the ring, he'll be great to have around. Like i said, the stable will be a great benefit to him, unlike the short-lived singles run that failed miserably.
Lansdell: I have a column coming up on the use of stables. This is what we in the business call a shameless plug. Not to give it away, but one of the classic uses of a stable is to get a young, green guy over by putting him with more established guys. Magnus was certainly floundering solo but in the Invasion he has direction, albeit clichéd.
Csonka: It's only shameless if you use it more than three times. Speaking of which, CSONKA TWITTER! , follow it.
Lansdell: Why would anyone want to do that when they could follow Lansdell on Twitter...for great justice!
Csonka: It's a two for one special, check them both, follow both, you'll be better for it.

Ladder Match Open Challenge for the Feast or Fired case - Doug Williams vs Homicide

Csonka: And I hate to bitch, but really, are we giving away another ladder match on TV with no build? It'll likely go 4-minutes as well.
Lansdell: I got 6. And you do NOT hate to bitch.
Csonka: Optimism, I like that, even though i normally don't hang out with your kind.
Lansdell: Straight men?
Csonka: Left handed dudes from Canada.
Lansdell: Can we please have a Chaos Theory?
Csonka: That would be grand.
Lansdell: Nod to continuity...the case has dents in it. Awesome.
Csonka: While that is great, we just got a TWO MINUTE LADDER MATCH. The 3D run in makes sense, as does the other international dudes, but TWO MINUTES? Come on...
Lansdell: Yeah, but Kiyoshi IS IN A SUIT! That makes him awesome.
Csonka: YAKUZA~!
Lansdell: There is no Yakuza. Shhhhhhhhhh

Winner: Homicide via retrieval (Team 3d-ference)

Csonka: Well, as for the match and after match, they told the right story, but it was the Reader's Digest version of a 15-minute match and angle.

Lansdell: How the hell do you rate a two-minute ladder match with no build? All it did was give Homicide back his case and continue the Team 3D - Evil Foreigner feud. They could have done all that backstage and not waste a ladder match. It gets a DUD.

Csonka: Well that's a given, I won't even rate a 2-minute regular match. Sometimes in TNA, things never change. But that's life.

Suicide sits down with Tenay

Lansdell: He's going to talk to Suicide. This makes no sense to me.
Csonka: They really dropped the ball here, they should have had Suicide pull a lucha deal, and wear the Mask with a pimp suit.
Lansdell: I could have gone with that, but I don't think they want him to be thought of as a luchador. Wait, does ANY of what he's saying make sense?
Csonka: Not really, it's like reading a Steve Cook column, you skim and nod along and move on...
Lansdell: Haha, you read Cook
Csonka: When I first hired him like, 5-years or some shit ago.
Lansdell: Suicide should never have spoken. The character was doing just fine without being an emo pseudo-philosopher
Csonka: Yeah, and if they wanted a message from him, they should have went Crow Sting and had him stand in the shadows while another voice reads the message. Silence was key i thought.
Lansdell: What did it add to his gimmick? What do we know about the guy or feel about him that we didn't before? What did it do for him?
Csonka: Two things, Jack and Shit. And if you know the spoilers, I don't think it makes any sense with that either, but that's just me.
Lansdell: I don't read them.
Csonka: Well you will understand next week. I only know them because I post them.

Sting calls out Joe

Lansdell: You know, TNA have clustered that title so much, when Sting came out with it I said to myself "Oh wait, Sting's the champion?"
Csonka: Yes, and that is NEVER a good thing, and you watch the damn show every week.
Lansdell: Yes Sting, bury your own product!
Csonka: Don't be a smark Lansdell, you're over analyzing this. You act like that's your job.
Lansdell: Yeah, how could I do such a thing? We need Byers in here, he's the only one who keeps me positive. You remember Byers, the guy who railed on Impact every week?
Csonka: Wow, Sting just called Joe stupid by saying that he couldn't do this on his own. Good job Stinger.
Lansdell: After saying wrestling and this company were bad right now, that's small potatoes
Csonka: Oh well, no matter how we try to make sense, we're just mindlessly bashing the show. Unfortunately people forget that I carried the torch for the company for years and always took the shit. When they want the PPVs are great, but the show, the show is tough to watch at times.
Lansdell: It's not even that they have bad ideas all the time, or bad execution all the time. It's that they have no consistency. I have no problem with the idea behind that segment, but did Sting really have to bury everyone?
Csonka: Apparently so.

Beer Money Inc vs Motor City Machine Guns

Csonka: When they started the MEM, I always wanted them to team Scotty and Booker and play off of the two great tag teams.
Lansdell: This may be the greatest commentary team ever, never mind tag team
Csonka: It has the possibility for fun, but Lansdell...
Lansdell: Larrington...
Csonka: BEER~!
Lansdell: MONEY~!
Csonka: BOOZER SCOOTER~!
Lansdell: These guys are just walking awesome.
Csonka: Do you think Chris Harris watches Storm and then cries himself to sleep?
Lansdell: No. I think he watches Storm, orders 11 P'zones, cracks open a 40 of Jack and wakes up in a pool of his own dried vomit while the TV plays infomercials about Bowflex.
Csonka: You may be right dude, but the P'zone's are like $5, so at least he is saving in this economic crisis.
Lansdell: I really want to see these two teams feud. Beer Money can have a good match with me and you, and the Guns are amazing to watch.
Csonka: Well they won't, because that would mean that the Guns would have to get more than 5-minutes of TV a week.
Lansdell: That they've had. What they haven't had is a tag team push. Did he just hip toss his own partner across the ring to make the tag?
Csonka: Ok, Roode is awesome, hiptossing his own partner so that he can get the hot tag. Nice.
Lansdell: Old-school tag team psychology. We just don't see enough of that.
Csonka: But man, I do wish that they could feud, because this little bit of match has been a lot of fun.
Lansdell: Imagine that, with 10 more minutes.

Winners: Beer! Money! via pinfall (on Shelley, DWI)

Csonka: Great fucking finish there as well. Unfortunately I have no desire to see Beer Money vs. the MEM, I want Beer Money vs. the MCMG's. And yes sir, 10-more minutes and that's some **** shit. I'll go **1/2. I just can't go more for 5-minutes, but it was a great five minutes

Lansdell: Sure it was shorter than most fans would have wanted given the quality of the two teams, but this would have been the wrong time to give the Guns a good run out against the champs. What time they had was put to good use, it was crisp and flowed well. Like Larry said though, it was still a 5-minute match. **3/4

The Beautiful People WALK!

Csonka: So, do you think that Angelina and Velvet will have makeup sex after this fight? Madison can video tape it.
Lansdell: FUCK THAT. Madison can join in. So can I. YOU video tape it
Csonka: Your wife would kill you.
Lansdell: Yeah. I know. AH WELL.
Csonka: I on the other hand would be fine, because I haven't seen my wife since July 3rd due to my vacation. I already have a head start.
Lansdell: On a more serious note...is there a bigger mistake for TNA right now than breaking up The Beautiful People?
Csonka: Breaking them up would suck, but breaking up Beer Money would be worse in my eyes.
Oh, and I cannot wait until "Sarita" debuts. She is goodness.
Lansdell: I haven't seen her, but from the clips I can hear the commenters talking about "thunder thighs" already. And if they DO break up The Beautiful People, I will cry. A lot.

Tara vs Velvet Sky

Lansdell: DAT AZZ CUBED! GOD BLESS THE CAMERAMAN! He even copped a feel tonight!
Csonka: I agree good sir. BTW, mush respect for "Tara" for working like, 7-years on a destroyed ACL. I know that pain, so really, mad respect.
Lansdell: It takes a bad wrestler to make Tara look like this. Velvet doesn't have it tonight.
Csonka: Don West constantly talking about "Sexting" with the Beautiful People cracks me up.
Lansdell: The difference between heel Don West and regular Don West is really rather startling. He no longer makes me want to mute the TV. However, I'm still not sold on turning Tara into Jake the Snake 2K9.
Csonka: No, I hate the spider thing. I know that it "goes" with the "Widow's Peak" and such, but it screams lame to me.
Lansdell: God I love that move. I don't know if it's the lameness or the fact that she really doesn't have the creepiness that Jake was so good at. It just isn't working for me. Not to say it isn't a good idea, this is just a personal feeling.

Winner: Tara via pinfall (Widow's Peak)

Csonka: Man, there is a lot of sexy out there. Match was ugly, but lot of sexy out there. 1/2*

Lansdell: Tara tried, but Velvet was worse than normal tonight and the match suffered for it. *¼

Post-match shenanigans

Csonka: Hmmm, I have to say, not a fan tossing the title match out there. I feel that they should have built it for the PPV.
Lansdell: Again, a title match on free TV with no build, not even start-of-the-show build
Csonka: These are the constant issues with the promotion in my eyes. They can have a 1.0-1.2 rating from now to eternity as far as I am concerned, but when you cannot grow PPV buys, you fail.
Lansdell: It goes back to something Byers used to say and I have noticed many times: TNA like to progress their angles 3 weeks in one show. Are you afraid they won't watch next week?
Csonka: Yeah, he and I always agreed there. The one hour shows were two hours of TV in one, the two hour shows are three hours of TV at a time. Slow the shit down.
Lansdell: Week 1: Velvet lays down the ultimatum
Week 2: The match, Love says Tara can have a match any time if she leaves Sky alone
Week 3: PPV. Title match
Csonka: Whoa there cowboy, you're making too much sense.

TNA Knockouts Title Match – Tara vs Angelina Love

Lansdell: If they had done the quick countout or DQ I could have forgiven them
Csonka: Again, that would have made sense to build to PPV.
Lansdell: I get that there are only so many matches you can fit on a PPV card, but what I don't get is why you wouldn't hype this match. Unless they're trying to push the "anything can happen" envelope.
Csonka: Angelina is vastly underrated for being such a great heel. All too often people say she is just a piece of ass, but she is such a great heel. I have thought so going back to Deep South.
Lansdell: She's the talented one of the group, she has great facial expressions and plays her part perfectly. Although, I think Velvet is the better talker
Csonka: Unfortunately Velvet can only talk.
Lansdell: Hey look, history! At least they didn't mention it.

Winner: Tara via pinfall (Widow's Peak)

Csonka: Well, the crowd popped and Tara sold it like her win MEANT something, which is cool. But as mentioned, the lack of build is disappointing. And yes Chris, the first woman to win the WWE and TNA Women's Titles. Not bad, but they can do much better. *1/2

Lansdell: You know, the fact that I got to see two Widow's Peaks tonight is not enough to offset putting that on free TV. It was a fine little match, but a title change like that needs about 10 minutes on PPV. I'm not sure who they have lined up for Tara, since the only other heel knockouts are Sojo Bolt and Daffney, and I can't see Sarita coming in as a heel with those vignettes. As an aside, my esteemed boss has forgotten Gail Kim, which is forgiveable since WWE has too. I' a little kinder here and I'll go **

Csonka: Well in my defense, WWE has given me no reason to remember Gail Kim, but I apologize for my error. I liked that they had her cut the post match promo and put over the win, a nice touch.
Lansdell: They certainly did well making the win look important, which is another reason it should have been on PPV. Oh, and we now know her tarantula's name is Poison. Of course it is.

Abyss finds Dr Stevie!

Lansdell: Stevie drugged Abyss' water?
Csonka: I hope that rape will not be a factor here. I liked last week's promo by Abyss btw, but this is just, weird...
Lansdell: How did Stevie get access to Abyss' water, while Abyss was on a rampage looking for him all week?
Csonka: This is a question with no answer.
Lansdell: Oh TNA. You take some great ideas and push them to ridiculous
Csonka: But, Dr. Stevie is just trying to help...

Kevin Nash and Matt Morgan vs The Phenomenal Angels

Lansdell: The return of the greatest tag team in TNA history!
Csonka: A reuniting of "The Phenomenal Angels"...life is good.
Lansdell: Is it me, or does the logo on Daniels' coat look like a vagina?
Csonka: Possibly. I have to say, I like matches like this before the PPV. They are using TV time to push two matches in one, and the guys involved have alliances as well, so it works so nicely.
Lansdell: I've long been a fan of this type of match. I also think Matt Morgan is a major part of TNA's future. The guy just has it.
Csonka: I hope he is. He has potential, but he hasn't delivered yet outside of the TV match with Angle. The PPV match with Daniels will show us a lot.
Lansdell: He's got the raw athleticism, for sure.
Csonka: I don't deny that. But they can't let Morgan into the MEM the way some want him too. If they do, they devalue the theme of the group, which was "former world champions". No offense to Morgan, but if they let him in, we're headed towards the nWo expansion days, and well, we don't need no VM Wallstreet's in the group, all respect to Mike Rotunda.
Lansdell: Yeah I don't want him in the Mafia. Adding Joe was fine, he's a former champion after all, but Morgan just dilutes the group's pedigree. With Morgan, he has a great look and the charisma is there. He just needs to work on pacing both in and out of the ring.
Csonka: I will agree. And I have to say, how good is Daniels? He makes everything look so easy.
Lansdell: Including getting pummelled by giants. Daniels is undeniably a good hand in the ring, I just don't agree with the fans who think he's the answer to TNA's problems. He's as close to 40 as Team 3D are.
Csonka: Nash and Morgan are working very well together, they appear to be motivated tonight. Sure they are working with AJ and Daniels, but they are looking good.
Lansdell: Maybe because Nash is mostly decorating the apron. I mean AJ and Daniels could make us look good. Nash hasn't seen much action but he was good when he got in.

Winners: The Phenomenal Angels via pinfall (frog splash, Styles on Morgan)

Csonka: Now you see, I liked this. We had a fun and solid tag match, and the faces got the win, a CLEAN win. The giants then get some revenge, and if Daniels loses at the PPV, it is built in due to the attack on the leg. I liked that. ** for the match, which got about 7-minutes.
Lansdell: The match itself was very good for what it was, and Morgan showed more promise still. I'm not sure why Daniels has to be injured going to the PPV, but we'll live with it. This may just be the highest rating I've ever given a match containing Nash… ***

Sting tries to trick Joe's mentor

Csonka: Ok, really, who would mistake Sting for Samoa Joe?
Lansdell: I don't think they did. Looks like a setup to me. Why else would Joe be wandering around with his knife? Sting went down FAST from that choke, too.

Jeff Jarrett vs AJ Styles vs Kurt Angle

Lansdell: Eric Young! BRILLIANT.
Csonka: Yes, a nice pick for the referee to keep EY in the mix with Jarrett. By the way, if you don't know, CSONKA TWITTER! Now you know.
Lansdell: I wish I though that anything would come out of Young's turn.
Csonka: I have hopes, just not high ones.
Lansdell: So what are you expecting here?
Csonka: Jarrett and Foley work together for a while, they brawl, EY gets involved, costs Jarrett the match. And no, I do not remember the spoilers that well, just guessing.
Lansdell: Hard to argue with any part of that really. It even gives Jarrett a match for the PPV
Csonka: True. Angle is bumping so well for Foley, God bless him. And here we go with Jarrett and Foley fighting, and a commercial 3-minutes in. YAY TNA!
Lansdell: I don't find anything wrong with Foley and Jarrett fighting, faces generally do in that situation. If only I thought it would end there.
Csonka: It isn't a problem, but it was just way too predictable.
Lansdell: Looks like that Stroke to the steps was some move, Foley is still down!
Csonka: Steiner taking out Foley works for me, while I may normally complain, but I would rather see Jarrett vs. Angle again.
Lansdell: Even with the totally clichéd guest ref?
Csonka: Yes, because they are awesome.
Lansdell: So the match is over? Really? Wow.

Winner:Kurt Angle via submission (Eric Young cheatery)

Csonka: Now while I hate the "biased referee", that is what you need to do. He obviously fucked the guy, everyone knows that and it works to build heat. But I will say that Jarrett should have been screwed there in my opinion, but that's me. The match wasn't bad, but not great. The end was fun with the stopping of the pins, and the Angle vs. Jarrett stuff was smooth as always. I'll go ** for the match.
Lansdell: You know what? Sure he should have been screwed, but my problem with it is the same as yours with Foley and Jarrett fighting - everyone knew it was coming. Keeping Foley out of the action helped this match as much as keeping Nash out of the previous one helped that, but I can't help but wonder why you put them in matches if they're going to be kept out of them! **¼ because it did what it needed to do.

Csonka: The beat down wasn't classic, but it was the right idea with the barbed wire. But if they were going to do it, they need to do it all out, vicious beatdown and blood, don't half ass it.
Lansdell: Barbed wire cuts people. It SHOULD make you bleed. And if you have no problem with a therapist drugging a guy's water, you can show some blood.

Final Thoughts

Csonka: I don't know dude. It was a show. They got the PPV matches out there, which it good, there was some good wrestling, but at the end of the show, I don't remember much because it just feels like they throw so much out there. I didn't think it was bad, but I also don't think that it was as effective as it could have been. CSONKA TWITTER!

Lansdell: It was a show alright. Whether or not it was a good show is up in the air. The wrestling was at a higher standard than we've seen for the past couple of weeks, as you'd expect with that card. Most of the segments we saw worked towards the PPV, with the glaring exception of the Suicide nonsense. I didn't feel as overloaded as I often do with Impact, but I do feel like some of the stuff (the Knockouts title change, the Joe/Sting/mentor thing) could have gone another week at least. The bottom line is that they built the PPV pretty well, but this show suffered a little for it. Not a bad episode, but far from the best.