411’s WWE Raw Report 07.13.09

-So after a couple solid outings the past few weeks Raw will try to keep the momentum going with 13 days to go until Night of Champions. Seth Green of “Family Guy” fame will serve as special guest host, but we have not had any other matches announced. Interesting strategy not to give us any reason to watch this rather than watching Albert Pujols launch bombs out of Busch Stadium at the Home Run Derby, but I’m no marketing genius.

-Live from Amway Arena in Orlando, FL

-Hosted by Michael Cole & Jerry “The King” Lawler

-Triple H is out to start the show, and is apparently hinting at a secret alliance with Legacy going with the t-shirt-wrestling trunks attire rather than street clothes. Trips has a big smile on his face, and looks a little more DX and a little less Game. He says he needs to catch us up to speed in case we’ve been living under a rock the past month. He goes over Trump buying Raw, and then McMahon buying it back. He introduces tonight’s guest host Seth Green. Green comes out to Welcome to the Jungle which made me think Jim Rome might be the guest host for a second. That would be the greatest moment in Raw history. Green appears to be smaller than Hornswoggle by the way. He says he can do whatever he wants tonight, so he books a six person diva swimsuit summer spectacular. I hate him already. He says it’s all in the spirit of athletic competition, and HHH agrees saying its what make him such a fan of Robot Chicken. HHH pimps the premier episode on July 26th, and says it has the biggest superstar in the world on it. Of course the guest is Triple H himself, and the clip features the single worst Jim Ross impression ever. The clip is of HHH fighting Dakota Fanning, and Green mentions that HHH has experience fighting whining little girls as he told him ever since his first match with Randy Orton. HHH mockingly says he never actually said Orton is a girl even though he is in fact just that. HHH says he has all the respect in the world for Orton and Dakota Fanning, because neither have male genitalia. That brings out Orton who doesn’t find this new whacky DX style HHH very amusing. Orton says he has something that HHH doesn’t and that’s the WWE Title. Orton calls out Seth Green for taking shots at him, and reminds him of his anger management issue. He says he might punt someone in the head at a moment’s notice no matter how big they are. HHH suggests a main event of him vs. Orton tonight, but Orton says that since Cena and Orton are going to lose to him at the PPV there is no sense in him beating one of them tonight. HHH says he’ll just drop him right now, so Orton says he’s got nothing more to say and starts to leave. Orton stops to call out Green again, and asks why he’s even here. He asks if he’s ever been in a real fight, and says he thinks he here so someone might confuse him for a real man. Green tells Randy that tonight’s main event will be Legacy vs. HHH, John Cena, and…him. Oh Christ. At least not Russo isn’t booking. Otherwise Seth would walk out Champ.

Six Diva Summer Swimsuit Spectacular Match: Kelly Kelly, Gail Kim, & Mickie James vs. Alicia Fox, Rosa Mendes, and Maryse
These were always pointless, but even more so in the PG era. If you’re going to do it then do it right. I need Mrs. Brock and her painted on hands. It should pointed that the only difference between Maryse’s swimsuit and her wrestling gear appears to be a lack of wrestling boots. Gail starts with Alicia and hits a sunset flip for one. Alicia goes for the jackknife rollup for a one count, and then whips Gail to the corner. Gail comes back with a back elbow, and a hurracanrana. Alicia is right back with a shot before tagging in Rosa. Gail hits a running clothesline out of the corner, and tags in Kelly Kelly who hits the handspring elbow in the corner. Kelly does the Nash foot choke in the corner, but gets shoved down by Rosa for a two count. Rosa stomps Kelly a bit before tagging in Alicia who locks in a side headlock. Alicia runs into the boots of Kelly who makes the hot tag to Mickie. Maryse tags in as well and gets hit with a series of clotheslines. Mickie knocks the heels out of the corner, and then hits a flying headscissor. Mickie hits the bombs away off the top, but the heels are in to make the save. The faces chase them off, but Maryse attacks Mickie from behind, and runs her into the post. Maryse hits the DDT from there which finishes at 3:47. Decent enough action out of the ladies, as it was just a wrestling match in swimgear rather than the typical water balloon garbage you usually get.
Winners: Alicia Fox, Rosa Mendes, & Maryse (Maryse pins Mickie-DDT *1/2)

-Jericho stops in to Seth Green’s office who says Green is the same person who has been mocking Star Wars for years after claiming to be a big fan for years. Jericho chastises him for not catering to him the top star. Green says he wants to just wants to please the fans, but Jericho says the fans don’t know what they want until he tells them. Jericho goes off on Green using his thesaurus again, and then tells him he has an agenda tonight and Green best stay out of his way.

Primo vs. The Miz
Primo takes tells Carlito he wants him out here right now, but instead he gets The Miz. Miz asks where the other Colon is, but says Carlito must have had more important things to do. But now Carlito is out, and Miz is in. He says since Maryse is probably watching he’s going to leave him lying in the ring like the rejected brother that he is. Primo, also now with new attire to go with his new music walks into a boot from Miz and then is dropped on the top buckle. Miz hits a back suplex for two, and then drives a pair of knees into the back. Primo fires back, and delivers a side Russian Legsweep. Corkscrew elbow is followed by a dropkick from Primo, and then a springboard crossbody gets two. Carlito comes out, now sporting the heel goatee, and provides a distraction. That allows Miz to attack from behind and hit the reality check for the win at 2:09. Not enough time to accomplish anything other than to establish a new look for Primo, and continue the Colon feud. Carlito comes and boots Primo in the ribs after the match before spitting an apple in his face. I love Lawler and Cole getting all indignant about how despicable this is as if this was the first ever brother feud ever.
Winner: The Miz (Pinfall-Reality Check ½*)

-Cole and Lawler acknowledge the injury to Edge, and state that an announcement is coming later as to what to happen to the belts at Night of Champions.

-Hornswoggle is in Seth Green’s office, and Green books the rematch of the century. Chavo-Swoggle II this time with Chavo’s arm tied behind his back. Swoggle runs off excited, but then Big Show stops by to give Green some advice. He tells him to watch his match with Evan Bourne to find out what someone his size looks like in a WWE ring. Then he tells him his advice will cost him “one million dollars” complete with the worst Dr. Evil impression in recorded history.

Montel Vontavious Porter vs. Jack Swagger
Swagger is sporting new Red, White, and Blue trunks this week. Very Kurt Angleish. Swagger takes down MVP with a go behind, and then smacks MVP around. MVP answers with a smack of his own, and a right hand sends Swagger to the floor as we head to break. Back from commercial, and MVP hits Swagger with a clothesline sending Jack to the floor. MVP heads out after him delivering a right hand and then throwing Swagger into the barricade. Back inside Swagger attempts a kick, but gets caught by MVP who goes for the Playmaker. Swagger counters and sends MVP shoulder first into the post, and then wraps the shoulder around the ringpost again. Swagger covers for a two count, and hits a pair of hammerlock slams. Vader Bomb connects for a two count for Swagger, but then MVP fires back with a series of forearms. MVP sends Swagger sternum first into the corner, and then follows in with a clothesline. Facebuster by MVP sets up the ballin’ elbow for a two count. MVP backdrops Swagger to the apron, but Swagger grabs the injured arm and drops it on the top rope. Back inside Swagger hits the gutwrench powerbomb to pick up the win clean as a whistle at 7:59. Remember when we thought MVP was getting a main event push? Yeah, me neither. Good match.
Winner: Jack Swagger (Pinfall-Gutwrench Powerbomb **3/4)

-I normally skip over the “Did You Know’s” but tonight’s was so absurd it bares mentioning. Users visit WWE Universe than Facebook, MySpace, or Twitter. I call bullshit on that one. That’s got to be some real fuzzy math.

-Jericho is out to address the tag title situation. Jericho says for the first time in history the Unified Tag Team Titles are held by one man, and how ironic that it is held by the best in the world today. He says how ironic that his partner Edge was taken down by the same injury as Greek God Achiles. He says he should have known better than to choose a injury prone partner like Edge, and he was the weak link of the team. He says he obviously can’t defend the titles by himself, and all of us parasites and hypocrites think he should vacate the titles. He says that’s not going to happen. Jericho says he’s too smart to let that happen. He says when he agreed to the match at Night of Champions he had a clause put in the contract that if Edge was injured he would be allowed to choose a partner. He says the man, unlike Edge, will be worthy of being his partner. An honest truthful man. Mark Henry comes out which brings a smile to Jericho’s face. Jericho calls Henry an impressive man, and says he was exactly the type of partner he had in mind. He thought Edge was injury prone, but he wants Henry? Henry asks the crowd if they think he and Jericho would be a great team, and they of course do not. Henry tells Jericho he didn’t come out here to be his partner, but he came out here to be his opponent. Henry attacks Jericho, and rips his suit off him. A referee then comes out, and I guess we have a match?

Chris Jericho vs. Mark Henry
Henry attacks Jericho with a headbutt, and then beals him out of the corner. Lawler announces that Seth Green made this official moments ago thus explaining why Jericho is being forced into this. Henry continues to split Jericho’s wig with a shoulderblock in the corner. Jericho hits the ropes, and runs right into Henry getting squashed and thrown from the ring. Jericho says fuck this and leaves giving Henry the win by count out at 1:28. Well that was pointless, although it appears that Henry’s gimmick that the heels are too scared to face him. That could work. Henry really looks likes he’s having fun being over as a face for the first time in 10 years.
Winner: Mark Henry (Count Out ½*)

Hornswoggle vs. Chavo Guerrero
Well here we go. Possibly a more anticipated rematch than even Mir-Lesnar. Chavo has to wrestle this match with one arm behind his back by orders of Seth Green. Horny gives Chavo a little boot to the ass at the bell, but runs into a choke from Chavo. Horny breaks it with a bite, and then delivers a siers of right hands to Chavo. Chavo runs into the top buckle, and then gets a kick to the face from the little guy. Seated splash from Swoggle connects for two, and then a little stinkface connects. Horny charges again, but runs into the boot of Chavo. Chavo steps on the head of Swoggle, and then goes for a suplex. Hornswoggle counters into a small package and since Chavo only has one arm he can’t kick out. That gets the win at 2:05. Harmless fun that didn’t take up much time. No complaints here although I freely admit Hornswoggle is one of my guilty pleasures.
Winner: Hornswoggle (Pinfall-Small Package *)

-Orton is with Dibiase in the locker room, and tells him he would have done the same thing Ted did last week when he smacked Ted, Sr. in the face. Ted says his dad never wanted to be in Legacy, but instead just be another Million Dollar Man. He says he will never be like his dad. Well he’s right there. Cody stops in and says he heard a rumor that his dad Dusty is supposed to be the host next week, and unlike some people he has a great relationship with his dad. Dibiase takes exception to that, but Orton reminds them of their job tonight. Take care of Cena and HHH, and leave Seth Green for him.

Evan Bourne vs. The Big Show
So how many smarks who are undoubtly filling the comments section with complaints about Hornswoggle beating Chavo clean will then turn around and bitch about Bourne looking weak against Show here despite the fact that this size difference is actually much greater? Jericho is right we are hypocrites. Slick finally got his wish by the way. We finally got a black referee. Kofi joins the commentary for this one, as Show takes control early tossing Bourne away casually. Show tosses Bourne away with a double underhook, and then walks across the chest of him. Show delivers a chop in the corner, and then beals Bourne three-quarters of the way across the ring. Show dumps Bourne to the floor, but Evan comes back dropping Show down on the top rope. Bourne comes inside with a missile dropkick, but runs into a spear from Big Show. That allows him to lock in the newly named Colossal Clutch which picks up the submission at 2:55. Funny shot of Seth Green in the locker room looking scared shitless as he realizes what Show told him is about to happen. Show refuses to break the hold, so Kofi runs into make the save kicking Show all the way out of the ring. Total squash for Show, as it should have been.
Winner: The Big Show (Submission-Colossal Clutch *)

-Santino is playing with action figures in the back and the Santino action figure knocks out The Iron Shiek before making out with the Trish Stratus action figure. Seth and Santino have words before being joined by Cena and Trips. Santino leaves, and Seth tells them he’s a little nervous. Cena threatens to knock his face in if he backs down, but tells him he’s just playing. They both try to calm his nerves letting him know they got his back, but start to disagree on who should protect him. Cena just says, no need to argue, we both know he’s going to get killed anyway.

-Cole and Lawler announce that next week’s guest hosts will be…ZZ Top? Uhhh…this officially just jumped the shark. What happened to Cody saying Dusty was hosting?

Six Man Tag Team Match: Legacy vs. Seth Green, Triple H, & John Cena
We come back from commercial joined in progress with of course Cody getting his ass kicked by HHH. Delayed vertical suplex connects, and HHH hits a kneedrop for two. HHH tags in Cena who rams Cody into the buckle, and then hits a bulldog for two. Cena grabs an armwringer, and the crowd chants we want Seth. Cena tags in Green, and then holds Cody for him. Seth delivers a right hand to Cody, but that just pisses Cody off who chases after him. Cody of course fails miserably in his chase and runs into a clothesline from HHH. HHH throws Rhodes back inside, and Seth covers for two before tagging Cena back in. Cena hits a backdrop, but Dibiase distracts the ref allowing Orton to hit his modified backbreaker. Cena goes to the floor, and then gets rammed into the apron by Dibiase. On his way back in he gets caught by Orton who is now legal in the match with a hangman’s DDT for two. Orton stomps Cena in the heel corner, and then tags in Dibiase. Dibiase delivers a kick, and then tags Cody in as they deliver a double team double axehandle. Cody puts the boots to Cena, and then locks in a full nelson. Cena breaks that relatively easily, and then they double clothesline each other knocking both guys out. Orton tags in, but so does HHH and he hits Orton with a high knee. Facebuster connects by HHH, and then Dibiase and Rhodes get knocked to the floor. HHH hits the spinebuster and goes for the Pedigree, but Legacy is in to make the save. Cena chases them to the floor, but HHH turns into the RKO. Orton goes for the cover, but Seth Green hilariously makes the save. Wrong move little dude as he gets a boot to the gut from Orton. Randy sets up to punt Green, but gets a spear from Cena instead. Legacy runs in, and they begin a triple team on Cena as Cody comes in with a chair. HHH grabs sledgie and makes the save as the ref throws it out at 7:19. HHH nearly hits Cena as he makes the save, and they stare each other down, but then both raise the hand of Seth Green. HHH then picks up Seth as if he were Macho Man and Seth was Liz as we head off the air.
Winners: Seth Green, Triple H, & John Cena (Disqualification-Triple Teaming **1/2)

-This show wasn’t as bad as some of the shows had been before the last few weeks, but it was just boring. Nothing really going on, and the whole Seth Green thing, while I like the guy, was just pointless and distracted from the show. That’s why I don’t think this idea has legs if they go with celebrities rather than actual wrestling. Next week could even be worse with ZZ Top hosting. Hopefully that is just kept to a minimum though. This one just felt like they were mailing it in knowing they were going to killed by the home run derby anyway.