411’s WWE Raw Report 07.20.09

With one week out until Night of Champions Classic Rock musicians ZZ Top joins us as guest host of Raw for reasons that can’t be adequately explained. We shall see if the brewing tension be HHH and John Cena continues to fester as they prepare to take their shot and Randy Orton’s WWE Championship. Plus hopefully we finally find out Kofi Kingston opponent (or opponents) for the pay per view. Let’s get rolling. Also we’re back in Flair country…I’m just sayin.

-Live from RBC Center in Raleigh, NC

-Hosted by Michael Cole & Jerry “The King” Lawler

-John Cena is out to start the program for a promo as it is announced that Rhodes and Dibiase will team up to take on Cena and HHH in tonight’s main event. Cena says he’s excited, and he can tell all the fans are excited. Cena says we all are excited because at Night of Champions we will see one of the greatest WWE Title matches of all time. Cena says this was the main event of Wrestlemania XXIV, but then gets interrupted by Randy Orton. Orton says he doesn’t know why Cena is so excited, and reminds him what happened two years ago at Wrestlemania. Orton says this Sunday history will repeat itself. Cena interrupts saying he wasn’t paying attention to what he was saying, and said instead of listening to him he was thinking about music. Cena tells Orton he doesn’t hear voices in his head, but he does hear 10,000 voices tonight and it sounds like they want him to get an early start on the PPV. Orton tells Cena he might want to rethink that, and that leads to Legacy surrounding the ring. Cena tells them to bring it on, but that brings out Triple H to join the proceedings. Legacy thinks twice about taking The Justice League on even though they still have a 3 on 2 advantage. HHH asks Randy if him and the girls weren’t about to start a fight without him, and says he’s now at a point he didn’t think he’d get to. He doesn’t care if he or Cena wins the WWE Title on Sunday. All he cares about is that Orton doesn’t. HHH says after what happened last week with Seth Green who is the size of a…HHH is at a loss of words. Cena tries to help saying Hornswoggle, but HHH notes that Green isn’t that heavy. Cena tries to tell him to use hobbit, and then has to explain to HHH what a hobbit is. Hilarious. HHH says a guy the size of a hobbit punked him out last week. Orton requests to enter tonight’s main event, and Cena tells him he’s a true evil genius because if he’s in the match HHH and Cena can’t co-exist. Cena tells Orton there is no good reason why the two of them should fight the three of them they accept. They are playing the Cena and HHH are on the same card page pretty well now which seems to be a complete 180 from how last week ended.

-ZZ Top is in the back, and are joined by Santino who says he’s a huge fan of Zzzzzz Top. He butchers their names as he claims to be such a big fan. Dusty Hill dresses up Santino as the honorary third member of the band with cowboy hat and beard. They top it off with a cheap sunglasses, and he helps them sing a bit. I can’t decide if this was the worst or the best thing I’ve ever seen.

Six Man Tag Team Match: Kofi Kingston, Primo, & Montel Vontavious Porter vs. Jack Swagger, Carlito, & The Big Show
They announce a six pack challenge for Kofi’s title at Night of Champions featuring Kofi, MVP, Miz, Carlito, Swagger, and Show. I guess Bourne’s win over Kofi means nothing now. Swagger starts with Kofi and takes him down with a go behind. Kofi rolls him up out of that for a two count, and then MVP tags in. Swagger hits the ropes, and runs into a flap jack courtesy of MVP and Kofi. Ballin’ elbow connects to Swagger who then dives to the floor as we head to break. Back from commercial and the heels have regained control with Swagger dominating Kofi. Carlito tags in and puts the boots to Kofi, and then rams him into the top buckle. Big Show tags in and chops Kofi before following up with a side headlock. Show drops a knee on Kofi, and then rams him in the corner with another chop. Carlito tags in, and hits a snap suplex. Neck vice is locked in by Carlito, and that is followed by a standing dropkick. Tag to Swagger who comes in with a legdrop for two. Carlito tags right back in, but Kofi comes back with a series of forearms. Kofi goes for a dropkick which misses, but he’s right back with a headscissor. Hot tag to Primo who unloads on big brother with a series of shots and a clothesline. Dropkick from Primo is followed by shots knocking Swagger and Show from the apron. Primo hits a legdrop off the second rope for two when Swagger makes the save, but MVP chases him off to the floor. Carlito sets up for a backstabber, but Primo ducks and Carlito gets a spear from Big Show. Kofi takes Big Show to the floor with a hurracanrana, and that allows Primo to hit a springboard diving headbutt off the top to pick up the victory at 9:14. Afterward Big Show chokeslams everyone in sight to assert his dominance before the title match Sunday.
Winners: Kofi Kingston, Primo, & Montel Vontavious Porter (Primo pins Carlito-Diving Headbutt **1/2)

-Back to the back (which I’m starting to think might be prerecorded) where ZZ Top pimps their current tour. Jericho stops by to tell them he’s a big fan, and says he’s sure they are big fans of his band Fozzy. ZZ Top pretty much says they’ve never heard of them, but then he offers a jam session with them. They say they have other plans for him, and book him against Mark Henry tonight. He asks how he can wrestle Mark Henry which somehow leads to them busting out into an impromptu performance of “La Grange.” Okay, I’ve made up my mind. This is horrible. Like Taz showing up at Victory Road kind of horrible.

-We return from break with The Brian Kendrick berating the announce team, and then he begins to chastise Lawler reminding him he was WWE Tag Team Champion which is one more title than Lawler ever held. Yeah, but he’s like a 913 time USWA Champion so it’s okay. This somehow leads to a Lawler-Kendrick match.

The Brian Kendrick vs. Jerry “The King” Lawler
Apparantely Kendrick wants to be Jericho’s partner at the pay per view. Lawler punches Kendrick off the bat, but that only serves to enrage Kendrick who delivers a series of forearms. Kendrick locks in a cobra clutch, but King elbows out of it. Lawler fires back with a series of rights, and then hits a standing dropkick! Kendrick comes back with a kick blocking a backdrop, and then delivers a jumping enzaguri. Kendrick goes for Sliced Bread, but Lawler blocks it because its now impossible for Kendrick to ever hit that move. King finishes things with a second rope fist drop at 2:18. Yeah, that was needed.
Winner: Jerry “The King” Lawler (Pinfall-Fistdrop ½*)

-Josh Mathews is talking to Mickie James on a stage back by the entrance. Very old school looking like the old Superstars promos Mean Gene would have with Hogan. Mickie says Sunday is Night of Champions not Trampions, and ever since Maryse showed up on Raw she’s acted like she owns the place. Miz interrupts and tells Mickie that Maryse walks, talks, and acts like a Champion. Mickie on the other hand will be a waitress in 10 years at Waffle House. Mickie asks Miz if he’s just sour that she scored a victory over Maryse while he can’t score at all. Maryse comes out and sprays hairspray in the face of Mickie. Shades of fellow French Canadian Rick Martel. That was all very awkward.

Chris Jericho vs. Mark Henry
Mark has gone full on babyface smiling on his way to the ring, and shaking hands with fans. Not sure that’s the best approach. Jericho bails to the floor immediately wanting no part of locking up with Henry. Jericho gets in the ring, but again bails right to the floor. Jericho has the art of heel stalling down to a science. Jericho finally locks up, and gets shoved away by Henry. Jericho tries to deliver a few blows, but gets caught and pressed slammed. Henry stands on the chest of Jericho, and then pulls him to the corner for a Vader Bomb attempt. Jericho is able to get up and take Henry’s legs out to take control and delivers a dropkick to the head of a horizontal Henry. Jericho works the legs, and then hits baseball slide kick. Jericho hits the ropes, and hits a dropkick and then chop blocks the knees of Henry for two. Jericho grabs a reverse chinlock, but Henry stands up and squashes him in the corner. Henry tries a charge, but Jericho again delivers a shot to the knee. Jericho hits the ropes, but runs into a clothesline from Henry who follows with a hiptoss. Jericho comes back to go for a dropkick, but gets caught in a giant swing from the big man. Jericho comes back again with a bulldog, and then goes for the Walls of Jericho. Henry blocks that, and kicks Jericho to the floor before heading out after him. Jericho grabs a chair, and blasts Henry with it drawing the DQ at 5:09. Jericho tries to blast Henry with it again, but its blocked and Henry throws Jericho into the announce team knocking Michael Cole right on his ass. Back inside Jericho goes for a codebreaker, but Henry catches him in the World’s Strongest Slam. Jericho is in that rare spot where he can’t have a bad match with anyone right now, and this match was no different. Lame finish aside this was a really good five minute match.
Winner: Mark Henry (Disqualification-Steel Chair **1/4)

-Santino is still with ZZ Top talking about beard care products when they are joined by Chavo. He talks about being disgusted about being forced to wrestle a leprechaun. ZZ Top agrees, and they say they have something nice planned for him. He will wrestle Hornswoggle in a “Sharp Dressed Man” match which is a tuxedo match if you are scoring at home.

Sharp Dressed Man Match: Hornswoggle vs. Chavo Guerrero
Lillian horribly botches the intros just basically saying fuck it about half way through. Can’t blame her really. Sadly Horny’s tux is not green. Chavo’s tux has the legs tied together which is his handicap this week. Chavo hilariously has trouble getting into the ring, as Hornswoggle mocks him. Hornswoggle chases after Chavo until he falls down, and then delivers a seated senton ripping off the jacket and tie. Hornswoggle delivers a kick to the face, and then begins ripping the shirt off leaving only Chavo’s pants. Horny runs into a clothesline from Chavo who then rips Horny’s jacket off. Chavo takes off one Swoggle’s shoes and throws them at him. Swoggle begs for mercy, but then is able to hang Chavo up on the second rope. That allows Swoggle to remove the pants of Chavo and win the match at 2:36 revealing Chavo’s chili pepper boxers. Give Chavo a lot of credit for being a good sport. Funny stuff.
Winner: Hornswoggle (Tuxedo Removal *)

-Cena runs into HHH in the back, and thanks him for his help earlier. He asks about HHH’s comment about not wanting the title, but HHH tells him what Cena already knew. He didn’t really mean that. HHH says tonight they’ll be on the same page, and at Night of Champions it will be a different story. Cena says he wouldn’t have it any other way.

-More fun with ZZ Top and Santino, and they are joined by a parade of divas. Kelly Kelly, Alicia Fox, Gail Kim, and Rosa Mendes dance to “She’s Got Legs.” Santino interrupts stripping down to his boxer briefs which stops the music and runs ZZ Top off. Santino ends up dancing by himself. Brutal.

-Cole and Lawler run down the Night of Champions card.

-Chris Jericho is leaving when he runs into Legacy who asks him who his partner is for Sunday. They tell him he doesn’t even have one yet, and let him know that no one would want to team with a self righteous condescending loser. Cody says that’s a little harsh since Jericho is second generation just like them. Granted his dad was just a bench warming hockey player. Jericho reminds them who they’re talking to. He says he’s had more titles than them and their fathers combined. He says he’s got the entire roster beating down his door to being the other half of the tag team champions. Priceless tells Jericho that maybe when they’re done beating him and his partner down Randy might come down and punt him in the head putting him out of action along with Edge. Jericho says they’re right. They do never know. Randy Orton might even be his partner.

-Shaquille O’Neal is announced as next week’s guest host. Now that will be good.

ZZ Top Legs Match: Kelly Kelly & Gail Kim vs. Rosa Mendes & Alicia Fox
I’m not sure there are any special rules for a “legs match” other than the girls wearing short shorts. Kelly starts the match with Rosa. Kelly hits a dropkick, and then delivers a headscissor out of the corner. Alicia tags in, and Kelly hits her with a victory roll for two. Gail tags in and delivers a forearm to the face, and then a great looking hurracanrana. Gail delivers a shoulderblock, and heads to the top rope but dives into a dropkick from Alicia getting a two count. Rosa tags in and rams Gail into the top buckle before delivering a snap suplex for two. Tag to Alicia who hits a snap mare, and then delivers a boot in the corner. Alicia misses a kneedrop allowing Gail to tag in Kelly. Kelly hits a spinning headscissor, and then a handspring elbow in the corner. All four ladies end up inside, and the faces deliver a double dropkick sending Rosa to the floor. Gail dives to the floor with a tope onto Rosa, but back inside Alicia hits the worst small package ever by the ropes pinning Kelly at 3:42. A little better than your average diva match. It certainly had its moments.
Winner: Rosa Mendes & Alicia Fox (Alicia pins Kelly-Small Package *1/4)

-ZZ Top comes out to greet the live crowd. Wow, I didn’t even think they were there.

3 on 2 Handicap Match: Legacy vs. Triple H & John Cena
Cody starts out with Cena, and Cena attacks early with a bulldog. HHH tags in and rocks Cody with a right hand, and follows up with a delayed vertical suplex. HHH hits a knee drop, and then dumps a charging Dibiase to the floor. Cody gets thrown outside, and then an Orton sneak attack is thwarted by Cena. Dibiase and Rhodes come back in, but are again dumped to the floor as we head to break. Back from commercial as Dibiase and Cena both take each other out with clotheslines. Tags to both Cody and HHH see Cody hit with the high knee. Facebuster connects for HHH, but a distraction from Orton allows Cody to get HHH caught in the heel corner. Dibiase and Rhodes whip HHH over the top to the floor, and with the ref tied up Orton is able to ram HHH into the ringsteps. Orton and Rhodes double team HHH in the heel corner, and finally Orton tags in legally putting the boots to HHH. Cody and Dibiase also take turns tagging in and working over HHH in the corner. Dibiase hits a spinkick to the back of the head for a two count, and then tags in Orton who stomps away. Kneedrop connects by Orton for two, and then he makes the tag to Rhodes. Rhodes rakes the eyes of HHH, and then drops a knee for a two count. Another kneedrop from Cody picks up yet another two, and then he locks in a front facelock. Andre The Giant and Big John Studd thinks this one was locked in for too long. Finally Cody turns it into a DDT, and tags in Orton who delivers a kick to the ribs. Orton sets up for the RKO, but it is blocked by HHH who sends Orton into the corner. Orton comes charging out, but runs into a spinebuster from HHH. That allows the tag to Cena who comes in with a series of shoulderblocks to Rhodes and protoplex. Cena delivers a shot to Dibiase knocking him from the apron, and then hits the five knuckle shuffle on Cody. Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment, but it is broken up by Dibiase. Cena disposes of him, and a lock in the STF on Cody but it is again broken up by Dibiase. HHH chases him off, but Orton tags in and goes for a punt on Cena. The punt attempt is ducked by Cena who rolls up Orton for the win at 13:32. Nice hot finish, but it hardly makes up for the brutally boring part of the match that was controlled by the heels. Afterward Cena and HHH share a handshake.
Winners: Triple H & John Cena (Cena pins Orton-Rollup **)

-Well the ZZ Top stuff was kept to a minimum which was a good thing, because the small doses we got were terrible, but the rest of the show much like last week was just so brutally boring it was nearly unwatchable. Again I’m not really sure I’d call it bad like some of the shows were a few months back, but just so tedious and repetitive it nearly put me to sleep. I absolutely loathe this term, and feel it is the single most overused term on the internet, but the show is just painfully stale.