2 Raw, 2 Furious 07.20.09

Posted by Ryan Byers on 07.21.2009

ZZ Top are your guest GMs for the evening, the entire Raw midcard gets together for an entertaining six man tag team match, the merits of Rachel Ray are discussed, and much more!

It's time for 2 Raw, 2 Furious! This little column usually features yours truly and Mr. Chris Lansdell discussing Monday Night Raw in real time, offering our insight where that is appropriate and offering sarcastic little barbs when those are appropriate. However, Lansdell was nowhere to be seen this evening, and I couldn't pass up on a Raw hosted by ZZ Top, so I recruited my long-time friend Nick B. to pick up the slack, since he just happened to get in contact with me right at the beginning of the show.

Let's take a look at what those bearded songsters have to offer us!



Pre Raw Scuttlebutt

Ryan: No sign of Lansdell tonight.
Nick: That bastard.
Ryan: Well, he's got a kid and a wife, so I can't really blame him.
Nick: I think the 411 Column is a more important commitment. He doesn't have as many fans of his marriage as he does of the column.
Ryan: A fair point, really. It is a shame, I was looking forward to talking about ZZ Top.
Nick: You can use all of your one liners on me if you'd like.
Ryan: That works. I did enjoy all of the negative feedback that I got when I implied last week that ZZ Top may not be relevant to the pop culture landscape anymore, so I cannot miss this week.

Opening Promo: Cena sells the PPV, Legacy vs. HHH/Cena Handicap Match Set

Nick: I wonder what's in Triple H's water bottle.
Ryan: I had a professor in college who, one time to make sure that we were listening in lecture, indicated that there was gin in his water bottle.
Nick: Ha, nice.
Ryan: Were it the late 90's and a wrestler had a water bottle like that, I would assume that he was just drinking straight GHB.

Nick: Modern day Abbot & Costello right here with the Hobbit routine.
Ryan: I'd rather listen to HHH & Cena's standup comedy than watch Orton's proposal of sitting through last week's main event all over again.
Nick: Another handicap match!
Ryan: At least they're making fun of SOME wrestling cliches.
Nick: Yes, definitely.
Ryan: Wow, so HHH and Cena accept a match they just spent five minutes burying. How is THAT supposed to make a crowd want to watch it?
Nick: I'm sure it'll be a ZZ Top Beard match.
Ryan: I wonder if Chris Jericho will bust out his favorite line about their drummer being Chris Beard even though he doesn't have one.

Zed Zed Top meets Santino

Ryan: Looks like the ZZ Top guy on the right is stealing Joel Gertner's old gimmick.
Nick: Yes . . . if only he'd make sexual innuendos.
Ryan: Dusty Hill's cousin Benny . . . golden line from Santino.
Nick: I think it went over everybody's head, though.
Ryan: Well, yeah, it may be even more dated than ZZ Top themselves.

Ryan: For the record, I had never even heard of the song "Cheap Sunglasses" before tonight.
Nick: Damn. I knew of the song, but I'm a Classic Rock radio listener.
Ryan: Fair enough. I guess that'll just be fodder for more hate mail.

Commercial Break Banter

Nick: Oh, if you were wondering . . . Bruno wasn't very good.
Ryan: I've been watching too much wrestling lately, because when you said "Bruno," my immediate thought was "Sammartino" and not the movie . . . in which cases, yes, I know Bruno was not that good.
Nick: Did you go see it?
Ryan: No, I was talking about Sammartino.
Nick: There's a nice comedy routine that could be worked around this, "Who's on First"-style.
Ryan: Forget Triple H and John Cena as the modern day Abbott and Costello.

Kofi Kingston, Primo Colon, & MVP vs. The Big Show, Carlito Colon, & Jack Swagger

Nick: I'd like to see Kofi as a heel.
Ryan: It would be a change, that's for sure. I have a hard time picturing it, but you never know.
Nick: I'd approve of it.

Nick: What do you say to a Chavo face turn and tag team pairing with Primo?
Ryan: I like Chavo better as a heel but I love me some Primo and am begging for him to have something to do after this Carlito feud comes to an end. Though, on the other hand, Chavo has been heel for a while, so it might be time for him to change things up.
Nick: Yep.

Ryan: Here goes Michael Cole with his flawed multi-man match math. Kofi would have a one in six chance of retaining if the winner were selected at random. It's not.
Nick: Ha, yeah.
Ryan: Nice spot from Kofi to get the hot tag.
Nick: Primo is a house of fire! Or whatever that saying is.
Ryan: I love his offense. It's like he just got transplanted here from the 1970's . . . in a good way.

Ryan: MONTEL VONTAVIOUS PESCADO~!
Nick: haha nice.
Ryan: I don't think I've seen that one before.
Nick: Kofi won the Rumble!
Ryan: Wow, the swandive headbutt returns within seconds of a remake of the Show/Benoit Rumble finish. Weird stuff there. It was a really hot finishing sequence, though. The beginning and middle of the match weren't much, but everything from the hot tag on was awesome.

Commercial Break Banter

Nick: DeepDiscount is doing their 25% off DVD sale now through August 2nd by the way.
Ryan: I might have to check that out. It's been a while since I've bought DVDs. Lately I have been watching a lot of Japanese indy wrestling, so maybe it's time to swtich back to movies for a while.
Nick: I usually buy DVD's and never watch them, hoping one day a woman will find her way into my house and be impressed by my DVD collection.
Ryan: Keep that dream alive.
Nick: I'm just hoping that woman isn't related to me.

ZZ Top meets with Chris Jericho

Ryan: Ah, Jericho/ZZ Top interaction. I was waiting for this.

Ryan: ha, GREAT look of disgust by Jericho at the jam session going on around him. Also, at some point Santino needs to try to do the spinning guitar spot from the "Sharp Dressed Man" music video and fail.
Nick: I think Hornswoggle could pull it off.
Ryan: Perhaps with a ukulele.

Nick: So who's hosting next week . . . Britney Spears?
Ryan: Laverne and Shirley are topping my wish list for guest hosts. Not the actresses that played them, but the characters Laverne and Shirley.

Brian Kendrick vs. Jerry Lawler

Ryan: Hey, Brian Kendrick is back!
Nick: Whoa.
Ryan: I missed him.
Nick: Same here.
Ryan: Guess it's time for Lawler's biannual feud.
Nick: Yep. Jim Duggan is gonna be pissed if Lawler takes his place as resident legend-jobber.
Ryan: Did ZZ Top approve this?
Nick: I think ZZ Top is just the figurehead, and Lawler is the real GM.
Ryan: A Raw shadow government, if you will.

Ryan: I've always loved it when heel wrestlers yell at their opponents loudly enough that the cameras pick it up.
Nick: Yeah, that's good stuff.
Ryan: It's why I always enjoyed Barry Darsow squashes back on WCW Saturday Night.

Ryan: So what in god's name was the point of that match?
Nick: hmm . . .

Commercial Break Banter

Nick: I do enjoy Maryse's heel antics.
Ryan: Maryse is good stuff. She'd probably be better off as a manager, but she's a better heel than at least half of the men on the roster.
Nick: I do agree. I like the little push on the opponent's head after the pinfall.
Ryan: I liked her interaction with the Miz, which they appear to have dropped.
Nick: Yeah, it's been replaced by Ziggler/Maria, apparently.
Ryan: Which isn't a bad duo either. Ziggler is growing on me.
Nick: Same here . . . still don't like the name, though.

Promo: Mickie James & The Miz

Ryan: Wow, they brought the interview stage back. Shades of Wrestling Challenge.
Nick: Very nice.
Ryan: I miss the days of midcard angles actually getting promo time. They've been doing more of that lately, though, e.g. MVP/Swagger from a few weeks back.

Ryan: And, as soon as I mention Miz/Maryse potentially being dropped, here he comes . . .
Nick: Mention the Ultimate Warrior/Papa Shango feud and see what happens.
Ryan: I don't see much happening aside from mysterious black goo running down Gene Okerlund's head.

Nick: Rachel Ray is good stuff. I prefer her to Theron.
Ryan: ha, well, Maryse got right to the point there. No beating around the bush.
Nick: Female Rick Martel.
Ryan: That's actually a good comparison, at least out of the ring.

Commercial Break Banter

Nick: Remember Gail Kim?
Ryan: I do. She's looked pretty good in her Raw matches. I have no real clue why she pinned Maryse a couple of weeks ago, though.
Nick: Yeah, strange stuff . . . I wonder if she'll ever get a push.
Ryan: I would imagine that she has to eventually, just by process of elimination. After a while, she'll be the only woman left who hasn't gotten one.

Mark Henry vs. Chris Jericho

Ryan: So does Jericho walk out again here, or do we actually get a match?
Nick: I bet Ziggler shows up.
Ryan: I don't know . . . when they didn't announce it last week, I figured that they would just hold off the announcement of the partner until the PPV.
Nick: Could be.

Nick: Giant Swing!
Ryan: This has actually been one of Mark Henry's better matches in a while. It's the first good match I can remember him having as a babyface in a while.
Nick: Yes, Mark Henry is on fire.
Ryan: Good match, good post-match angle . . . but I have to ask myself again what the point is. I like the fact that they seem to be giving Henry a sustained push instead of just giving up on him, but he needs an actual feud.
Nick: He's the new Kane. He's always there when someone needs an ass kicking.
Ryan: I guess that's right. When a face GM wants to punish somebody, he's the go to guy.

Commercial Break Banter

Nick: So did you get to check out the Cheerleader Melissa/Sarah Stock match?
Ryan: I did . . . probably the most Impact that I've watched in a month.
Nick: Yeah, I've been watching a little more lately. That was a nice match.
Ryan: It was. I've seen them do better matches against one another, but that was virtually as well as they could do with the time that they had.
Nick: Yeah. I wonder if TNA will ever ditch the 6 Sided Ring. Didn't they do that for the X Division?
Ryan: I think they idea was that the ring was supposed to create a faster pace overall because guys could always get to the ropes more quickly, but I don't think I've seen anybody ever actually utilize it that way.
Nick: Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Their ring doesn't really serve any purpose.

Tuxedo Match: Hornswoggle vs. Chavo Guerrero, Jr.

Ryan: You know, certain portions of the concept are pretty stupid if you stop and think about them, but, by and large, the guest GM thing hasn't been too bad lately. Batista was fine in the role, DiBiase was as awesome as you would expect him to be, Seth Green did OK, and ZZ Top aren't that bad either.
Nick: Yeah, DiBiase was pretty damn good. The guest GM deal should be able to hold them over until they figure out who they want to take the spot.

Nick: Oh dear.
Ryan: Poor week for Lillian.
Nick: The winner is Hornswoggle!
Ryan: This Hornswoggle/Chavo angle really isn't that great, but it could be much worse if somebody without Chavo's charisma was involved in it.
Nick: Chavo is the man.
Ryan: Remember when he was doing the angle in WCW in which he was a lunatic? That was great stuff.
Nick: With Pepe?
Ryan: PEPE~! Who met his unfortunate end when he was thrown in to a woodchipper by Norman Smiley.
Nick: Pronounced Norm'on Esmilay . . . or something along those lines.

Ryan: Oh boy, this is awkward.
Nick: You have the same boxers on?
Ryan: Chavo steals my underpants, and Hornswoggle steals Kozlov's finisher to knock Chavo out of the ring.
Nick: At least Hornswoggle didn't steal your finisher.
Ryan: Nobody lays a hand on my 450 Piledriver.
Nick: But . . .
Ryan: Shhhhh.

Commercial Break Banter

Nick: There's a promotion up here that has a show on the weekends at around 2AM called Big Time Wrestling.
Ryan: I caught a couple of their shows when I was up in Lansing. It's the original Sheik's family promoting the shows form what I recall.
Nick: Yep.
Ryan: The only thing I remember about them is that, right before the commercial break, they would promote a "Best Of" videotape they sold by claiming that it contained Roadwarrior Hawk's last match ever.
Nick: Interesting.
Ryan: And a bit disgusting.

ZZ Top meets with the Women of WWE

Ryan: I just realized that ZZ Top's guitars are furry. AWESOME.
Nick: I thought Kelly Kelly was Stacy Kiebler for a second. I do find Rosa to be quite good looking.
Ryan: She doesn't look like somebody who should be wrestling at all, but she is quite the attractive woman.
Nick: Whatever happened to Beth Phoenix?
Ryan: Nothing really happened to her as far as I know . . . they just haven't been using her.
Nick: Elevated liver enzymes?
Ryan: It's interesting that she's the one woman that they've never really played up as a sex symbol in any way. They even did that with Chyna, and Beth is hundreds of time better looking than Chyna ever was.
Nick: You could be underselling how much better looking Beth is.
Ryan: That's fair.

Commercial Break Banter

Nick: So, have you watched Breaking Bad at all?
Ryan: No, I haven't.
Nick: Damn.
Ryan: I've watched virtually no TV in the last couple of years aside from Flight of the Conchords, and even that I only caught through DVD.
Nick: I don't watch much as far as episodic TV goes, but Breaking Bad is pretty sweet.

Next Week's GM: Shaq!

Ryan: Shaq to guest host Raw.
Nick: Very nice.
Ryan: Remember him in Hogan's corner when he humbled Flair for the WCW Title back in 1995?
Nick: ha, I think I do.
Ryan: Hopefully this results in some sort of Shaq/Big Show slam dunk-off.

Gail Kim & Kelly Kelly vs. Rosa Mendes & Alicia Fox

Ryan: Wow, hopefully Gail doesn't throw out her back carrying this match.
Nick: Ha, that was a nice tag by Rosa.
Ryan: Somebody needs to smarten her up.
Nick: Beautiful floatover suplex.
Ryan: So you've got Gail and Kelly Kelly teaming, and Kelly is the one who gets to do the comeback? Something is wrong about that.

Triple H & John Cena vs. Legacy

Ryan: I feel like I have watched this main event or some slight variation on it on every Raw for the last year.
Nick: But this time it's presented by ZZ Top!!
Ryan: As opposed to Dave & Busters.

Ryan: Isn't Triple H on the cover of Muscle & Fitness every six months?
Nick: He treats it as a yearbook photo.
Ryan: Except instead of dressing up for picture day, he oils up.

Ryan: Delayed vertical suplex! You'd think they would save that spot for Davey Boy Smith's kid.
Nick: I hope DH busts out the Pedigree.
Ryan: I recall reading that somebody in TNA used it as a transition move recently.
Nick: ha, beautiful.
Ryan: It's something we haven't really seen since the days of every WCW midcarder doing some version of the People's Elbow.

Ryan: You know, one of those things I will never get tired of in wrestling is Triple H's version of this Harley Race bump over the top and to the floor.
Nick: Always good to borrow from the legends!
Ryan: Indeed, indeed.

Ryan: If I had never seen a pro wrestling show before, this would be a fun match. Maybe I'm just getting too jaded for my own good, because I can recognize that this is all technically good, but it's really lacking a "spark" for me.
Nick: It's probably because you don't care who wins.
Ryan: That could well be it.

Ryan: Great crowd response for Cena on the tag.
Nick: Yep. The crowd is pretty awesome tonight.
Ryan: If they were in to Horny/Chavo, they're pretty easy. They've actually had great crowds for the last month or so.

Ryan: Well, pretty by the numbers booking for the finish. Nothing outstanding about it, but nothing bad either.
Nick: Yeah, they played it safe there.

Final Thoughts

Ryan: This was a very basic, no nonsense go home show for the Night of Champions pay per view. There was a final angle shot for every Raw match on the PPV, and, even though there was nothing technically wrong with those final angles, there was also nothing that you haven't seen on a hundred other go home shows for a hundred other pay per views. Everything seemed very sanitized and very stale, and, at least for a long time wrestling fan, it didn't feel as though there was much to sink your teeth in to, even though nothing really reached the level of being actively bad. With that being said, there was some fun in-ring action, with the main event being exactly what it needed to be and the six man tag team match providing some eye-popping athletic moments. Essentially, this is not a show that I would recommend that anybody go back and watch if they missed the first airing, but I also did not feel the desire to turn it off at any point while I was watching it first run.

And that will do it for this week. Be sure to check back in seven days to see if Mr. Lansdell makes his 411 return!

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