411’s TNA Impact Report 7.23.09
Posted by Larry Csonka on 07.23.2009
The Main Event Mafia runs wild over TNA…
In HD where available…
TNA Impact Begins…NOW!
Taz makes his way to the ring and speaks on why he came to TNA. He details his ECW career, says he sustained career threatening injuries and prevented him from what he loved to do best and that's perform for the fans. He called 100's of matches for WWE and some of Wrestlemania's greatest matches as a color commentator. But he knew there was more he could do and he saw TNA. He saw Samoa Joe and thought they had a lot of similarities but Joe showed remorse, he never did, and he knew he had to teach Joe that He had a talk with Joe, he told him it's not about doing what makes people happy or getting over with the boys, it is about what wins titles and makes money. He became the teacher, Joe became the student. He says he and Joe are indebted to Kurt Angle and the prestigious MEM, and tonight, Joe will win the X-Division title. Homicide, beat Joe if you can, survive if Joe lets you…
Joe works kicks to begin, lock up and a knee by Joe. Homicide with the arm drag, counters and a leg sweep by Homicide. He avoids the kick and rolls to the floor. Joe looks to fly, Homicide avoids the elbow suicida, and then hits the tope con hilo and poses! Back into the ring they go, rights by Homicide, to the corner and Joe tosses him away and then gets the STJOE! Rights by Joe, chop, kick and the knee drop follows. Homicide fights back, runs into the snap slam and Joe covers for 2. Abdominal stretch by Joe, Homicide escapes and gets a clothesline, but Joe is standing. Another, and Homicide with the back spinning elbow gets 1. Off the ropes, and a back elbow by Homicide, tornado DDT follows for 2. Joe elbows out and gets an overhead TAZ PLEX, which he approves of. Joe lays the boots to Homicide, face wash and chokes him out. The ref tells him to back off, so Joe punches the ref. Homicide tries for the gringo killer, counter, gringo cutter countered into the kokina clutch. Homicide looks to tap and the bell rings.
Winner: Homicide @ 5:00 via DQ
-Joe is pissed about this, as is Taz, so Joe beats down Homicide. BUT WAIT…THE TEX MEX FUCKING T-REX IS BACK! Hernandez hits the ring and stands off with Joe. Taz calls off Joe, and says they will do shit on their time. Hernandez's new music sounds like something I heard in a Tijuana whore house on spring break in '98. I'll tell you all about it later.
-Foley is with JB in the office. Foley says that he is still here after limping to Nashville, but Angle is now the golden boy.
~THE MEM SPEAKS~
The Main Event Mafia come out to the ring and Kurt Angle addresses what went down at Victory Road. He wants to put everyone in the back at ease and no one is getting fired. He is a compassionate guy and says TNA needs the MEM. And tonight for the fans, he has a present for them all. Nash, Booker and Steiner are all going to put their titles on the line for their entertainment. Jarrett is home, Sting is 1000's of miles away licking his wounds, so only there is Mick Foley to attend to.
That leads to Mick Foley coming out to the ring he says that Kurt made him tap out after he said it would never happen. He was ready to go home until he heard Angle was messing with the front office and saying that there would be no TNA without MEM. He admits they all dropped the ball last night and maybe he ran out of gas last night...and that with Kurt as a 13 time Champ, knows what its like on 12 occasions how to have a bad day. Angle says Foley reminds him of an old dog and a dog needs a master says he could be his master gives him the name Old Tapper. He says if it wasn't for him and Joe outsmarting him, Foley would still be TNA Champion. Angle says he's the man and could kick Foley's ass right now, but won't do that cause he wants one last thing from him. He pulls out a set of keys, they are the keys to Mick Foley's office that management gave to him. He says they are gonna hang them up high on a pole for a match tonight, and the winner gets control of the office, because we all know that this is what is important.
-Brutus Magnus says that The British Invasion, Kiyoshi, and Bashir have reached an accord with Kurt Angle. In exchange for getting a Tables Match next week against Team 3D for the IWGP Tag Team Titles, they'll be putting the final nail in the TNA Originals' coffins tonight in a 10-man tag.
Red gets a quick flurry, and that is basically all as Nash beats him down, poses a bit, and nails the jackknife powerbomb for the win. The crowd wanted a second jackknife, but Nash teased it and tossed Red down for the pin. Red looked like a complete jobber here.
Winner: Kevin Nash @ 2:00 via pin
-Lauren chats with Hernandez. Jarrett gave him a chance when no one would and he is ready to have he and Foley's back. Hernandez makes it known that he will win the TNA world title. Homicide comes in, and is pissed that Hernandez saved his ass. Jesus, don't feud them just because they aren't tagging…
-Shenanigans in Foley's office, with his and JB. Foley refuses to put his Tweet & Tweak Connection picture on the line. Useless security comes in and says they have his back, and Foley is still pissed that they have the MEM on their shirts. He gives them tape to cover it up. Steiner and Booker are watching, and say that they have found their opponents for tonight.
-Lauren is with Traci Brooks, her boobs are back as well. She will be the special official for the Knockouts battle royal later, which is for $50,000 and a spot in the MEM.
Booker and smaller Useless Security to start, Booker beats his ass and tags in Steiner. He beats the ass of the smaller Useless Security guy, tags back to Booker and they just beat him down. The champs maintain control easily, as smaller Useless Security guy cannot do a thing. Steiner in, controls, rights to smaller Useless Security man and then eats a boot and is down. TAG to HUGE Useless Security guy! Huge Useless Security guys runs wild on the champs, and tosses Booker. Slams Steiner. HUGE Useless Security guy up top, HUGE SPLASH OFF THE TOP! Crowd actually hot for this! 1…2..NO! Sharmell pulled out the ref. Booker in, kind of gets the Book End on huge Useless Security guy. Steiner gets the flatliner and pins huge Useless Security guy.
Winners: Scott Steiner and Booker T @ 5:00 via pin
-Eric Young busts into Foley's office, and says he wants to be in the 10-man tag later tonight against the International Douche Bags. He admits to being an asshole recently, but wants to do this for TNA. GO TEAM!
-We get a recap of how Tara lost the Knockouts title at Victory Road. She is pissed, but will be in the battle royal to win the money for charity. She also sends out a warning for Slick Johnson, who will be one of the outside officials.
KNOCKOUTS BATTLE ROYAL: Winner Gets $50,000 and an invitation to join the Main Event Mafia
Kong, Tara, The Beautiful People, Daffney, ODB, Taylor Wilde, Sojo, Alissa Flash, Sarita and others are in the match. Traci Brooks is the special referee. Daffney is already tossed as they all brawl. Kong tosses Rayne right after that, and Slick Johnson cuddles with her. Cody Deaner saves ODB and rolls her back in and Slick Johnson tosses him from ringside. Wilde tosses Sojo Bolt as we thin the herd. Tara then disposes of Velvet Sky as Kevin Nash makes way to the ring to join commentary. We head to commercial @ 2:00.
Back from commercial @ 6:00 as we see clips of Wilde and Flash getting tosses. Angelina Love is tossed by ODB. Tara, ODB, Kong and Sarita are left. Kong takes control and just tosses bitches around. Tara tries to toss Sarita, fails, but Kong tosses ODB. Tara looks to toss Sarita, Kong stops that and Sarita with the springboard dropkick. Kong then tosses her. Kong and Tara stand off now, and Nash wants to hit Tara. Rights by Tara, they blow a crucifix spot, go to the ropes, and Traci Brooks tosses them both!
Winner: Traci Brooks @ 9:00
-Nash says the home of the D-CUPS won!
-Kong and Tara brawl at ringside.
-Nash announces Brooks as the newest member of the MEM. She jumps into his arms and they celebrate.
-Tara is pissed and LOW BLOWS Slick Johnson. He bails before spider time.
-The Beautiful People are pissed about the battle royal, and they want to service the MEM. Lauren asks about the Victory Road situation, and they tell her to shut up. The BP are pissed about ODB, and Cody Deaner appears and is PISSED that they talked badly about ODB. He says they have a problem with him and he wants to throw down with them. Deaner says they want him, and they playfully agree and says his cologne is from the flea market, the EW DA TOILET. Velvet knees him in the balls and they lay the boots to him. ODB makes the save. ODB says she hates those whores, while Deaner says the DEANER DIAMONDS have been shattered.
-The main event for Hard Justice is Sting vs. Angle, plus a third man that will be either AJ Styles or Matt Morgan. They will have a 2 of 3 series starting next week to get into the match. The match will be Sting's final title shot.
-Lauren is with AJ and the originals. He says it has been 7-years, and they dropped the ball at Victory Road. But tonight, they are on the same page, and tonight, they take back TNA.
Beer Money, AJ Styles, Daniels and Eric Young vs. Doug Williams, Brutus Magnus, Rob Terry, Sheik Bashir and Kiyoshi
EY and Bashir to begin. They trade counters, EY to the corner and tags in Storm. Clothesline by Storm, tag to Roode, double suplex, BEER…MONEY! Then they toss Kiyoshi into Bashir, tag to AJ and a slam on Bashir, knee drop and he tags in Daniels. Double team back suplex/clothesline to Bashir. Split legged moonsualt by Daniels gets 2. Forearms to Bashir, jabs follow, and then Daniels to the heel corner and Terry levels him. Kiyoshi tags in, beats down Daniels, tag to Terry who tosses Daniels across the ring. A clothesline follows. Daniels with rights, not phasing him and as Daniels tries a cross body, he hits the wall and falls to the mat. Williams and Magnus with the double team neck tie, and they shake. Magnus lays the boots to Daniels, a slam and tag to Williams. To the corner, knee charge and a big boot by Magnus, bombs away knee drop by Williams gets 2 as AJ makes the save. Daniels manages to slam Williams into Terry, and now looks for a tag. Magnus in and AJ with the hot tag. He cleans house, clotheslines, SUPERMAN forearm to Magnus gets 2. It breaks down, everyone in, EY grabs Williams, tosses him to AJ, and then EY PILEDRIVES AJ STYLES! Magnus pins AJ for the win.
Winners: Doug Williams, Brutus Magnus, Rob Terry, Sheik Bashir and Kiyoshi @ 5:00 via
-Tenay says that there is an unwritten code in TNA not to use the piledriver. EY celebrates with the new international heel group.
-Foley is pissed about what has happened.
-EY and the international heels celebrate and then says that they are all gullible. EY says he is Elite, they are the World Elite, and everything in TNA will change forever. Foley has to be held back by security as he wants to beat EY's ass.
OFFICE KEYS ON A POLE MATCH: Kurt Angle vs. Mick Foley
A pole match! Mick unloads with rights and beats Angle down to begin the match. Fires back with uppercuts, and then follows that with rights. Mick with rights, beats down Angle in the corner, charging knee connects and Angle is down. Mick looks to climb for the key, Angle up and charges over and pulls Mick down. Rights by Angle, chokes Mick out in the corner and then Mick back with rights. Clotheslines Angle to the floor, and again looks to climb for the key. He is up top, Angle over and pulls Mick off of the ropes. Rights by Angle, Mick is down and Angle looks to climb. Mick over to stop him, rocks Angle with rights, climbs up as well and SUPERPLEX TIME! BOTH men are down, so we head to a commercial @ 3:00.
Back from commercial @ 7:00 as Mick gets the double arm DDT. Mick gets the sock, claw time and Angle fights, pulls it out for a moment but Mick locks it back in. Angle to the mat and he is out! Mick climbs o get the keys, gets up top and here comes the MEM! They ring the bell and I guess we have a DQ.
Winner: Mick Foley via DQ @ 9:00
-The MEM is in the ring and they are laying the beat down on Mick. Joe and Steiner hold up Mick and Angle slaps him. He grabs the mic and says that tonight wasn't enough. But WAIT…
-THE GOD OF THUNDER ROBERTO LASHLEY IS HERE!
-Angle is happy and awaits Roberto with open arms. He hits the ring, and they hug. Angle gives the thumbs down, and as Lashley eyes Foley… he lays out Angle! Lashley lays waste to the MEM and clears the ring! Bobby Lashley and his sweat pants stand tall.