411’s WWE Raw Report 07.27.09

-The road to Summerslam begins tonight with guest host Shaquille O’Neal overseeing the festivities. After Night of Champions Randy Orton is still WWE Champion despite tapping out to both his opponents. So, to the delight of all of us, they will certainly have claims to rematches. Also The Big Show revealed himself as the partner of one Chris Jericho, and could we see the return of a Showstopper on the horizon?

-Live from the Verizon Center in Washington, DC

-Hosted by Michael Cole & Jerry “The King” Lawler

-Jerry Lawler starts the show to introduce Shaq, and immedieatly botches the whole thing by calling Shaq a FIFTEEN TIME MVP. I think you meant All-Star there Mr. Lawler. Shaq finds a Kobe sign in the crowd on his way out, and tears it up. I love him already. Shaq says hello to the Washington crowd on behalf of LeBron drawing heat, and then says its his show tonight. Lawler says he understands that Shaq has some news regarding Randy Orton at Summerslam. Shaq announces a five man beat the clock challenge to determine Orton’s Summerslam challenger. The five men are HHH, MVP, Jack Swagger, Mark Henry, and John Cena. Shaq tries to fire the crowd up, but gets interrupted by Chris Jericho. Jericho gets face to chest with Shaq, and tells him that when he heard the most dominant player in NBA history was hosting Raw he automatically assumed it was Kobe Bryant. He reminds Shaq that the most duo in sports is not LeBron and Shaq, but is Jericho and… Shaq cuts him off and asks “Christina” what he is doing out here anyway, and kisses him on the forehead. Jericho corrects the first name, and Shaq brushes his hair away. Jericho says he has once again been disrespected by the guest host of Raw. He demands to be consulted with, and catered to by every member of the company including guest hosts. Jericho says if Shaq continues to ignore that they are going to have problems. Shaq pushes him away and asks what kind of problem that would be. Jericho says it will be big problems. He then brings out Big Show who is now sporting a suit to go along with Jericho. Shaq and Show stand eye to eye, and Show asks if he’s trying to intimidate him. Show says Shaq would have a better chance making two free throws than intimidating him. He tells Shaq to do the smart thing and get out of his ring. Shaq calls Show “fat boy” and tells him that he is working on a new reality show called Shaq versus where he takes on the greatest athletes in the world. Shaq challenges Show to a match right now, but Show doesn’t bit saying he doesn’t want the NBA’s legal teams breathing down his neck. Jericho hilariously gets in there, and says he’s not going to fight Shaq either. Shaq says he knew they wouldn’t fight, so he hired Cryme Tyme to face them instead. What brand extension? Show and Jericho share a smile, and walk off. Shaq tells them that in tonights match he will be the special outside enforcer. He drives home the “Christina” chants which are sure to catch on for the next several years. This will be the new Paula.

Vegas Odds on the Beat The Clock Challenge
Triple H: 1 to 10
Cena: 2 to 1
Henry: 100 to 1
MVP: 10,000 to 1
Swagger: 1 million to 1
Place your bets now folks!

Beat the Clock Challenge-Match 1: Mark Henry vs. Carlito
I’ve never understood what would happen if all five guys lost? Granted we’ll never know, but it would be interesting. Carlito bails to the floor immediately wanting no part of locking up with Mark. Henry tosses Carlito into the corner, and then delivers a shoulderblock sending Carlito to the floor. Carlito tries to take off to the back, but Henry goes out after him? Why the hell would you do that? Carlito tries to dive outside on Henry, but gets caught and thrown back inside for a one count. Carlito tries a few chops, but gets overpowered by Henry who goes for another cover and two count. Carlito bails to the floor again, but Henry follows firing Carlito into the barricade. Back inside Henry goes for the cover getting a two count. Carlito ducks a clothesline and hits a springboard back elbow, but off the ropes he runs into a clothesline for another two count for Henry. Carlito gets hit with an avalanche from Henry in the corner, and that is followed by a big boot for two. Henry goes for a seated splash, but Carlito moves and boots Henry in the face. Dropkick from Carlito gets a two count, and that is followed by a springboard dropkick for two. Carlito hops on the back and grabs a chinlock, but Henry just stands up and backs him into the corner. Headbutt from Henry connects for a two count, and Carlito goes back to the sleeper. Carlito hits a low dropkick, but dives off the second rope for a crossbody. Henry catches him, but Carlito slides out and goes for the backstabber. Henry blocks that, but Carlito goes to a chinbuster. Carlito hits the ropes for a crossbody, but gets caught by Henry and this time the World’s Strongest Slam connects at 6:49 to set the time to beat. Decent enough match for Henry, but it kind of flies in the face of what they’re trying to do with him which is make him into a no selling face monster. I wouldn’t have put him in this thing.
Winner: Mark Henry (Pinfall-World’s Strongest Slam **)

Six Diva Tag Team Match: Mickie James, Kelly Kelly, & Gail Kim vs. Beth Phoenix, Rosa Mendes, & Alicia Fox
Well I guess the rumors of Beth being pregnant are not true. Thank goodness. Cole has left to booth to get an interview with Shaq, so Lawler is calling this match by himself. That should be great. Gail starts the match with Beth, and hits her with a pair of forearms. Gail locks in an odd head scissor submission, but that is broken up by Rosa. Beth hits a press slam, and fires Gail into the heel corner tagging in Fox. Alicia hits a nice tilt-a-whirl back breaker, and tags in Rosa who hits a kick. Bodyslam gets a one count, and back into the heel corner goes Gail. Alicia tags in, but gets kicked away by Gail who makes the hot tag to Mickie. James comes in with a pair of clotheslines, and then knocks Beth off the apron. Mickie hits a back kick, and then a reverse neckbreaker for two. Mickie goes for a DDT, but it is blocked so she hits a hurracanrana. Louise Thesz Press connects by Mickie, and then the tag is made to Gail who hits a missile dropkick mercifully ending this garbage at 3:34. Horrible match.
Winners: Mickie James, Kelly Kelly, & Gail Kim (Kim pins Alicia-Missile Dropkick DUD)

-Michael Cole gets a word with Shaq, and asks what else he has in store. Hornswoggle interrupts, so Shaq gets down on a knee and hugs the little guy. Shaq says they went to high school together, and then has Horny dunk a basketball. Shockingly, he can’t. Cole says, and I quote, “Oh my, that was Shaqalicious” Wow, that was all kinds of horrible.

Beat the Clock Challenge-Match 2 (Time to Beat: Henry-6:49): Montel Vontavious Porter vs. “The Masterpiece” Chris Masters
Well look who’s back, and look who found the hair club for men. Wow what crawled on top of his head and died? MVP rolls up Masters right away for one, and then cradles for another fall attempt. Masters hits a pair of forearms, and then hits a big boot. Masterlock attempt is countered into a rollup, but Masters is right back with a clothesline. Masters puts the boots to MVP, and then hits a vertical suplex for a one count. Masters hits a sunset flip, but MVP rolls through and hits a clothesline for one. MVP hammers away at Masters in the corner, and then goes for a drive by kick which misses. MVP counters another masterlock attempt, but cannot stop a pair of forearms to the lower back. Masters charges into a back elbow, and MVP hits a clothesline for two. Masters pulls MVP out to the floor, and then follows him outside. They trade blows outside, and Masters locks in the masterlock outside. That draws the double count-out at 3:39 which makes Henry still the leader since MVP didn’t win. They couldn’t just stretch this out three minutes and go to the draw? Lame. Not exactly a rousing return for Masters.
Winner: Draw (Double Count Out *)

The Brian Kendrick vs. Kofi Kingston
We interrupt this edition of Monday Night Raw for your weekly Kendrick jobbing segment. Kendrick grabs the mic and berates Lawler for showing him up last week. Kofi hits the trouble in paradise and pins him at :09. Whatever.
Winner: Kofi Kingston (Pinfall-Trouble in Paradise DUD)

-Triple H is headed to the ring, but gets clubbed in the knee with a pipe by Ted Dibiase.

Beat the Clock Challenge-Match 3 (Time to Beat: Henry-6:49): Cody Rhodes vs. Triple H
Triple H walks out showing no real ill effects from getting CLUBBED IN THE KNEE just like two minutes ago. Finally he starts to favor it a little bit as he climbs on the apron, but still he’s able to climb the ropes and do his pose with little to no issue. Why even shoot the angle if he’s not going to completely hobble out there and give us some reason to think Cody might possibly win this thing. Cody shoots a single leg, but gets hammered away by HHH. Headlock takeover by HHH, and that is followed by a high knee (the injured one no less). HHH hits another headlock takeover, but gets backed into the corner. Cody gets a shot in the corner, and finally is able to scoop the knee and wrap it around the ring post. Cody drops a trio of elbows on the injured knee, and then hits a drop toehold. Cody wraps the knee around his neck, and then stomps the knee a bit. Cody gets a one count off of that, and then grabs a spinning toehold. HHH kicks away from that, but Cody is right back with a low dropkick. Cody hits a double axehandle off the second rope for two, and then a second attempt is stopped with a boot from HHH. Pedigree attempt is blocked by Cody with a chop block, and then he locks in a figure four. HHH turns it over and that breaks the hold. Cody goes for it again, but gets kicked into the ring post shoulder first. Cody charges into a clothesline from HHH as we’re down to one minute remaining. HHH hits a spinebuster with 30 seconds remaining, but Dibiase interrupts on the apron. Dibiase begs him to hit him, but HHH doesn’t take the bait and instead runs Cody into Dibiase. Both guys BLATANTLY stall for time before HHH hits the pedigree, but it is too late to get the pin as the time runs out for the draw at 6:49. Decent enough match ignoring that HHH basically no-sold the injury, and the good news is we won’t get HHH-Orton part 991 at Summerslam. Who wants to bet this sets up Legacy vs. DX though?
Winner: Draw (Time Limit **1/4)

-Shaq plays Scrabble with Santino. He spells Shaqzilla, and Santino asks how he got so many Q’s. Shaq tells him not to worry about it, but Santino questions the validity of the word Shaqtus. Cryme Tyme stop by to get down with their new buddy Shaq. Santino interrupts to freestyle a bit. Hilarious stuff.

Hornswoggle vs. Chavo Guerrero
Here we go its part four of the most epic series of matches in the history of our great sport. Lillian announces that by order of Shaq Chavo’s handicap this week is that he must wrestle blindfolded. Hornswoggle kicks Chavo in the back of the leg, and he dives at him falling to the floor. Chavo comes back inside, and runs into the top turn buckle. Hornswoggle goes for the cover, but Chavo gets a hold of him. Hornswoggle squirms free, and Chavo double legs the ref. The ref tells him its him, so Horny sneaks up behind with the schoolboy rollup for two. Hornswoggle hits what I guess is a bulldog for another two count, and then hammers Chavo with a series of forearms. Chavo peeks behind the refs back and hits a dropkick. Chavo decides he’s going to climb to the top rope like an idiot, so Hornswoggle baits him into doing so. Chavo gets to the top, but Hornswoggle has long since snuck out to the apron. Chavo misses the frog splash, and that allows Horny to hit a tadpole splash of his own to pick up the win at 3:31. Sorry commenters, this never gets old.
Winner: Hornswoggle (Pinfall-Tadpole Splash *)

-Jack Swagger interrupts Orton in his locker room and lets him know that the good news is HHH didn’t beat the clock, but the bad news is he will. Orton asks if he should be scared, and Swagger tells him considering he’s bigger, younger, and better he should be. Henry then stops by to give Randy a nice menacing stare.

Beat the Clock Challenge-Match 4 (Time to Beat: Henry-6:49): Jack Swagger vs. Evan Bourne
New, not so generic music for Bourne, and a new t-shirt as well. Swagger grabs a double leg, and throws Bourne away, but he lands on his feet and hits a pair of low dropkicks. Flying headscissor from Bourne connects, but Swagger is right back with clubbing forearms to the back. Bourne hits the ropes, and gets caught with a modified German Suplex from Swagger for two. Swagger grabs an armbar, and then hits a knee lift. Bridge suplex from Swagger gets two, and a vertical suplex gets another two. Bourne counters a running powerslam sending Swagger into the corner, and then he heads to the top rope for Air Bourne. Swagger catches him and throws him across the ring delivering a Vader Bomb for two. Swagger goes for the gutwrench powerbomb, but Bourne counters into small package to pick up the pin at 3:40. As far as I’m concerned that should make Bourne the leader, but that’s not the way it works. Good little match, and Swagger’s post match facial expression is absolutely priceless.
Winner: Evan Bourne (Pinfall-Small Package **1/4)

-Jeremy Piven is your guest host next week.

-Josh Mathews is with Triple H, and he tells him at this point he’s just mad at himself. He says all this time he’s been going straight for Orton, but what he didn’t realize was the tail has been wagging the dog. Without Rhodes and Dibiase Orton is just the same punk he’s already been. He says when you cut the tail off the dog the dog dies. He challenges them to a 2 on 1 handicap match next week, and tells them every once in a while you come across a guy you shouldn’t screw with. He’s that guy. Even though the idea of HHH moving his feud to Dibiase and Rhodes doesn’t excite me it if it gets HBK back on my TV screen I’m all for it.

Beat the Clock Challenge-Match 6 (Time to Beat: Henry-6:49): The Miz vs. John Cena
Miz says as a Cavs fan he is thrilled to have Shaq on his team, and he has a fool proof plan to keep Shaq healthy. Just sit him when he plays the Wizards because they’re going to win anyway. He says teams just run out the clock which is what he’s going to do right now to John Cena. He says he doesn’t have to beat Cena, but just last 6:49. He says to quote someone we elected to office, and has been failing miserably, YES HE CAN. Randy Orton comes out to sit ringside for a closer look. I should note it is 10:49 PM and this match hasn’t started. We also have ANOTHER match still to come. I’m sensing a big overrun tonight. Either that or Miz is about to get squashed in about a minute. Miz dodges a lockup a few times, and then rolls to the floor to stall for time. Cena realizes that Miz has to get back inside, so smartly just waits for him and blasts him as he slides back inside. Cena is far too smart for a babyface. Cena hits a small package, and then Miz rolls to the floor. Cena goes outside and delivers a clothesline before rolling Miz back inside. Cena goes for the STF, but Miz kicks him off and then is able to send him into the ring post. Miz hits a back suple for two, and then locks in a crossface chickenwing. BACKLUND FTW! Miz hits a flapjack, and then fires Cena to the floor. Outside Miz fires Cena into the steel steps, and the rolls back inside. Cena does the lay outside dead until 9 then sprint back into the ring spot and gets caught by Miz immediately who ties Cena in the ropes. Cena gets free of the ropes, and charges at Miz. He ducks a clothesline and quickly hits a drop toehold into the STF. That picks up the submission at 4:28 which will set up Cena and Orton at Summerslam. Those two have had some good matches so I’m perfectly fine with that main event. Orton gets in the ring and stares down Cena, but nothing comes of it.
Winner: John Cena (Submission-STF **)

Chris Jericho & The Big Show vs. Cryme Tyme
Shaq is the guest enforcer for this one. 3 Smackdown guys in your Raw main event. Just because someone in the comments bitched about it I’ll say it again. WHAT BRAND EXTENSION!?!? Jericho starts with JTG, and grabs a side headlock. Jericho hits the ropes and delivers a shoulderblock, but JTG answers with one of his own. Rocker Dropper from JTG connects, and he follows that up with a facebuster out of the corner for two. Jericho gets a cheapshot while JTG is tied up with the official, and then he delivers a boot to the face. Jericho sends JTG into the boot of Show, and then tags the big fella in. Show delivers a pair of body shots, and grabs a side headlock. Show chops JTG, and then locks in a full nelson in front of Shaq. He casually throws JTG away, and continues to taunt Shaq. Show hits a spear on JTG sending him out to the floor, and then palms him back inside delivering another chop for good measure. Jericho tags in and puts the boots to him in the corner. Jericho gets a double leg takedown for two, and then locks in the half nelson chinlock with added “ASK HIM!” for good measure. JTG ducks a clothesline, and hits one of his own allowing the hot tag to Shad. He comes in with a pair of clotheslines, and then a press slam. Shad hits an elbow drop, but when he goes for Thugnificent Jericho counters into a Walls attempt. Shad blocks it, and then tags in JTG. JTG comes off the top with a neckbreaker while Jericho is on the shoulders of Shad. Show makes the save at two, and then won’t leave the ring at the count of five drawing the disqualification at 6:38. Show cleans house and then calls Shaq into the ring. Shaq comes in and goes face to face with Show, and they exchange shoves. Show grabs a choke, but Shaq answers with one of his own! Cryme Tyme makes the save, and Shaq delivers a big shoulderblock sending Show outside. Cole embarrasses himself further by screaming “BOOM SHAQ-A-LACKA” and then calls tonight a Shaqtacular night. Match wasn’t much more than to set up what they hope will be a SportsCenter moment.
Winners: Cryme Tyme (Disqualification-Double Teaming *1/2)

-Good show this week. Not great, but not terrible either. Certainly a step up from the past couple. Shaq was by far the best non-wrestling personality guest host we’ve had thus far, and that helped big time. The beat the clock stuff was pretty predictable after HHH went down, but like I said if it leads to Shawn coming back to help HHH in his battles with Legacy I’m down. Also Orton and Cena’s feud was far more interesting than anything HHH and Orton put forth, and never had a proper blow off. There was some crap mixed in tonight, but I’m mildly intrigued with where things are headed.