411’s WWE Raw Report 08.03.09

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-So now that the pimping is out of the way let’s get to the show tonight which will feature guest host Jeremy Piven of “Entourage” fame, and his special guest Kim Jeong who is most recently from “The Hangover.” Hopefully they bring the funny. In another completely unprecedented move for Raw we will have a Handicap Match. I’m not quite sure how this convoluted gimmick match will work, but I’m sure we’ll find out. Get this, it will have TWO guys Ted Dibiase and Cody Rhodes taking on just ONE in Triple H. How will he EVER overcome that…

-Live from Mohegan Sun Arena in Mohegan Sun, CT

-Hosted by Michael Cole & Jerry “The King” Lawler

-Raw starts, and OH MY GOD EDDIE GUERRERO IS ALIVE!!! Oh wait its just Jeremy Piven in a Low Rider, and he has Dr. Ken in the trunk of the car dressed as a pimp. And he’s handing out money. This is either going to be incredible, or a trainwreck of epic proportions. There is no middle ground. They go through the introductions in a total obnoxious manner that makes me lean towards trainwreck. Piven says he’s always wanted to do this, and there’s something else he always wanted to do. He goes to the ramp, and gets Edge’s pyro as Ken screams “Oh no he didn’t” and barks like a dog. Oh dear god. Piven says we’ve got a huge show tonight, as he announces HHH vs. Legacy and thankfully Miz interrupts to hopefully save this. Miz asks if Piven is having fun, and if he’s enjoying making a mockery of the show. Miz says like Piven he is an acclaimed TV star as well. Dr. Ken thinks that’s funny. Piven calls him Le Miz, and then goes right back to pimping his movie. Piven makes fun of Miz’s Real World past, and again pimps his movie saying all the fans have The Goods. Piven tells Miz he can look into his eyes, and can tell he doesn’t have the goods. Miz tries to interrupt, but Ken constantly interrupts drawing the ire of Miz. Miz finally announces that he wants a match with Cena tonight, and demands a rematch. He orders Piven to make it happen, and says if he doesn’t he won’t hesitate to… He doesn’t get to finish as Cena interrupts. Cena introduces himself to Piven, and Ken, and then says he needs to cut to the chase. He says the rematch can happen, but he wrestled him last week and it took him two minutes. He says he can fit that into his schedule, but the fans already know Miz isn’t that good. He makes fun of Miz’s looks saying he has a face for radio, and then says if this is what we’re going with tonight needs to be special. Cena says Piven’s movie is coming out and he plays the most successful used car salesman. He calls Miz a 1979 Pinto, and says its Piven’s job to somehow to make this match interesting. Shoot comment? Piven wants to make sure Miz can’t hide, so he books a lumberjack match. Oh my, a lumberjack match, and a handicap match on the same show. I can’t take the innovation! Piven goes on to say that we’re going to Miz’s hometown soon, and if he loses to Cena tonight he’ll be banned from SUMMERFEST!!!! Cena suggests that maybe we should ban him from SummerSLAM as well. Nice cover John. They keep jabbering and eventually its decided that Miz will be banned from Raw if he loses tonight. So he can go to Smackdown and feud with Morrison, right? Well then LETS GO CENA!

Evan Bourne vs. Jack Swagger
This is a rematch of last week’s beat the clock upset by Bourne. Swagger gets a takedown early, and grabs a waist lock slamming Bourne to the mat. Bourne ducks a charge, and hits a dropkick. To the top rope he goes, but Swagger is up so Bourne jumps over the top of him. Bourne gets a trip, and goes for a standing moonsault but gets the knees. Swagger goes for the gutwrench, but Bourne counters into a rollup for two. Swagger comes back with a boot to the face, and a powerbomb followed by some pushups. That sets up the Gutwrench Powerbomb which finishes Evan at 2:17 which would have won Beat the Clock by over 2 minutes. Swagger is obviously not clutch. After the match Swagger hits a pair of Vader Bombs to drive the point home. He goes for a second gutwrench, but MVP makes the save. Pretty much a squash.
Winner: Jack Swagger (Pinfall-Gutwrench Powerbomb ¾*)

-If you didn’t watch Raw last week, and judging by the ratings you did, here’s a really long recap. Complete with all the mainstream news clips. The moral of the story? “We’re important!” Cole says Raw footage was all over ESPN, Entertainment shows, and EVEN YOU TUBE! I got news for you Cole. Every Raw ends up on You Tube

-Jeremy Piven is chillin with the divas, and when hyper Ken comes in. He makes fun of Big Show a bit, and of course Show shows up behind his back. Show wants a match with Shaq, but Piven says to forget about that. Show says he’s got an idea to make people forget about Show and Shaq. He wants to wrestle Piven. Piven decides that’s a poor idea, but instead books him to US title match with Kofi. Dr. Ken may be the most annoying human being on the planet. I actually liked him in The Hangover too.

-If you didn’t catch the first 900 mentions of it, here’s a preview of Jeremy Piven’s new movie.

Mickie James & Gail Kim vs. Beth Phoenix & Jillian Hall
Jillian Hall is still alive? I haven’t seen her in months. Beth starts with Gail, and gets a low dropkick. Mickie tags in and delivers another dropkick for two, but a knee to the mid section sends Mickie to the apron. Mickie delviers a forearm, and then comes off the top with Bombs Away for two. Mickie gives Jillian a shot on the apron, but charges at Beth and gets clotheslined on the top rope for two. Beth slams Mickie down by the hair, and tags in Jillian. Jillian rams Mickie’s face into the mat, and then hits a forearm. Jillian drives Mickie into the corner with Beth, but charges into a pair of boots. Mickie fights out of the corner, and hits a spinning headscissors allowing her to tag in Gail. Clotheslines from Gail connect, and that is followed by a running shoulder tackle. Gail heads to the top and hits a missilie dropkick, and then knocks Beth off the apron. Gail gets a back elbow from Jillian, but moves out of the way of a handspring elbow. Beth makes the blind tag without Gail’s knowledge and is able to attack her from behind. Mickie tries to make the save but is put out by the ref, and then pulled to the floor by Jillian. Beth then promptly finishes with the Glam Slam at at 3:21. Not a bad match for the time it got, but it just seems like they’re biding their time until the figure out what to do with the division now that Maryse is out.
Winners: Beth Phoenix & Jillian Hall (Phoenix pins Kim-Glam Slam *1/2)

2 on 1 Handicap Match: Cody Rhodes & Ted Dibiase vs. Triple H
For those of you unfamiliar with this incredibly rare gimmick match, a handicap match is where a tag team (in this case Rhodes and Dibiase) face one man in a standard one fall match. Sometimes with all the gimmick matches out there its easy to get confused, so that’s why I’m here to help. Cody starts the match, and sends HHH into the corner. HHH fights out with ease, and grabs a side headlock on Cody. Shoulderblock connects by HHH, and that is followed by a vertical suplex. HHH connects with a knee drop, but Cody blocks a backdrop allowing him to tag in Ted. Dibiase runs into a clothesline from HHH, but eventually stops a charge with a boot to the face. HHH stops a backdrop attempt with a pedigree attempt, but Cody interrupts. Cody gets a backdrop and a clothesline over the top to the floor, and that is followed by Ted getting chucked over the top onto him as we head to break. Back from commercial and to the shock of everyone Legacy actually has control of the match. Cody has HHH in a front facelock, but HHH quickly comes free. Dibiase tags in, and Cody hits a clothesline on his way out. Dibiase rams HHH into the heel corner, and stomps him down before tagging Cody back in. They trade stomps and quick tags in the corner, and do the standard heel team distract the ref choke out spot. Cody covers for two, and tags Dibiase back in allowing them to hit a double suplex for two. Dibiase grabs a half nelson chinlock, and then hits a powerslam for two. Cody tags in, and hits a kneedrop for two. Cody grabs a chinlock, and then hits a DDT for two. Cody goes for the moonsault which fails miserably, and puts both men down. That allows HHH to make the hot tag to himself, and deliver a forearm to Dibiase sending him to the floor. HHH fires Dibiase into the apron, and then comes back in with the VINTAGE HIGH KNEE~! Facebuster connects on Cody, and then he gets sent into Dibiase sending him crashing into the announce table. Spinebuster connects to Cody, and that sets up the Pedigree. Dibiase makes the save from behind hitting Dream Street, and Cody crawls for the cover. Of course it only gets two. Cody measures Triple H, and hits the Cross Rhodes and THAT GETS THE WIN AT 11:21!!!!!!!!!!! Rhodes and Dibiase win clean in what has to be the upset of the decade.
Winners: Cody Rhodes & Ted Dibiase (Rhodes Pinfall-Cross Rhodes **1/2)

– HHH grabs the mic after the match, and says every week these guys beat him every week. He says he used to be good at this gang warfare stuff, but maybe he needs a new group. Or maybe he just needs to bring back an old group. He says maybe he’ll bring back Evolution, but Randy’s a jerk, Batista’s injured all the time, and Flair’s signing autographs at the VFW. No maybe he just needs to make one phone call. And if they’re not down with that he’s got two words for them…

-Chavo stops by to introduce himself to Jeremy Piven, and mistakes him for Joe Rogan. Piven books Hornswoggle-Chavo VI…THIS TIME ITS PERSONAL! No handicaps this week, but once Chavo leaves Piven says he has a plan.

Carlito vs. Primo
It’s a Colonic Explosion! Primo attacks early pounding away at Carlito in the corner, and then hitting a spinning headscissor. Carlito stops a backdrop, and throws Primo the apron but walks into a shoulder block. Primo is back in with a clothesline for two sending Carlito to the floor. Primo hits a suicide dive, and then fires Carlito back inside for another two count. Carlito comes back with a modified neckbreaker for two, and then hits an elbow drop getting another two count. Carlito grabs a reverse chinlock, but Primo is able to elbow free. Primo hits a back elbow off the ropes, and delivers a dropkick. Primo hits a monkeyflip, but misses a charge and shoulders the post. Carlito goes for the backstabber, but Primo counters into a rollup for two. Carlito comes right back with another backstabber which is this time successful to pick up the win at 3:10. They broke up one of the best teams they had for a 3 minute match. Thanks a lot WWE.
Winner: Carlito (Pinfall-Backstabber *)

Chavo Guerrero vs. Mark Henry
Jeremy Piven announces that Hornswoggle couldn’t make it because of a case of adult chicken pox so he instead found his cousin. Mark Swoggle. Henry comes out wearing a Hornswoggle hat which sets a new standard of awesome. Henry of course destroys Chavo with a headbutt, and Chavo tries to run. Henry hears none of that throwing Chavo back inside and hitting the Worlds Strongest Slam at 1:11. Chavo has done those hair replacement ads, so I can confirm that a wig was in fact split. After the match Mark finds his little cousin hiding under the ring. Henry pulls Chavo to the corner allowing Horny to hit the tadpole splash. People are going to be bitch about poor Chavo being buried, but hey at least he’s collecting a paycheck every week. Afterwards the Swoggle family celebrates with a dance and heel kick. Good stuff.
Winner: Mark Henry (Pinfall-Worlds Strongest Slam ¼*)

-Randy Orton stops by to talk to Jeremy Piven. Piven says he wants him to be the special ring announcer for the main event. Orton asks who he thinks he is, and Piven says he’s here to promote his movie. Orton says if he could kick Vince in the skull what makes them think he’d hesitate doing the same thing to them. He successfully scares the shit out of Dr. Ken, but Piven says they’ll figure it out.

WWE United States Championship: Kofi Kingston © vs. The Big Show (w. Chris Jericho)
Jericho comes out with Show, and their new EPIC theme remix. Jericho increases the quality of the announce team by about a billion percent by joining them on color. Kofi tries attack with a series of kicks, but gets caught by Show and DDT’s his foot as called by Jericho. Show grabs a front facelock and pushes Kofi into the corner. Show hammers Kofi down, and then steps on his head. Show buries a shoulderblock into Kofi in the corner, and then delivers a huge open hand chop. Show hammers Kofi down again with a forearm, but Kofi comes back with a series of kicks. Kofi tries a dive off the second rope, but gets caught and slammed away. Show hits a Vader Bomb, but Kofi gets his foot on the bottom rope for two. Show hits a snap mare, and then stomps Kofi in the gut. Hilarious commentary from Jericho saying how he and Show have 40 Championships combined, and he asks Lawler (who has over 100) how many he has. Lawler says “I’ve had a few” and Jericho responds “I’m not talking bowling alley titles Jerry” Kofi comes back with a series of kicks, and then hits a trouble in paradise with Show on his knees. Kofi hits a double legdrop from the top rope, but that only gets a two count. Show comes right back with a spear, and then delivers a series of punches in the corner. The ref warns, but Show refuses to stop punching and he gets disqualified at 5:15. Yes he got DQ’d for closed fists. It has now officially happened (not counting heel guest referees/authority figures ordering it). This is a first. Afterward Show continues the beatdown, and he and Jericho stand triumphant.
Winner: STILL WWE United States Champion-Kofi Kingston (Disqualification-Closed Fist *)

-Triple H is on the phone with “someone” and says he knows what he said about not coming back, but he never believed him before. He asks if he saw what happened to him, but that someone isn’t watching the show. HHH asks where he is, and then says he thought he didn’t do jobs. OOOOOH Insider comments. Vintage Russo! Finally he tells him to forget all of that, because he needs him. He asks if he’s ready, but he gets hung up on. Probably going to drag this out a few weeks, because I doubt they want Shawn’s triumphant return to be in Calgary.

-Next week’s guest host is Sgt. Slaughter. In Canada. Brilliant. At least it’s a wrestling personality.

Lumberjack Match: John Cena vs. The Miz
So Miz has to leave Raw, and is banned from Summerslam if he loses. Piven says he’s a big fan of Randy Orton, and has hand picked every lumberjack himself. Piven heel turn ftw! Dr. Ken makes fun of the crowd, and that brings out Randy Orton. Orton motions to his lumberjacks. Legacy, Chavo, Masters, Carlito, and Swagger. Looks like Randy had new Legacy shirt made, and he actually got one for both Ted and Cody. Miz attacks at the bell, and hammers Cena down in the corner with a series of stomps. Cena comes back whipping Miz to the corner, but he charges into an elbow. Cena rolls outside, but realizes where he’s at and comes right back in. Cena hits a bulldog, and clotheslines Miz to the floor. The heels attend to Miz on the floor making sure he’s okay before he goes back inside. Cena goes for the STF, but the heels jump on the apron and Cena releases the hold. Miz hits a knee sending Cena to the floor, and Masters locks in the Masterlock. After Cena fades the heels throw him back inside, and Miz covers but Cena gets the rope. Miz whips Cena to the corner, and then hits a clothesline for two. Miz chokes out Cena in the corner, and then stomps him down. Miz whips Cena into the buckle, but charges into a big boot. Cena hits a pair of running shoulderblocks, and delivers a protoplex. Cena goes for the five knuckle shuffle, but Orton pulls down the top rope sending Cena to the floor. Legacy beats on Cena a bit sending him crashing into the ring steps, and then to the barricade. Orton fires Cena back inside, as Dr. Ken gives Miz his cane. Miz goes to blast Cena with the cane, but Cena ducks and delivers the Attitude Adjustment sending Miz to Smackdown at 5:16. And the IWC explodes. Afterward Piven tries to jump off the top rope, but gets caught by Cena who uses him to fight off the heels. Dr. Ken tries to make the save with the cane, but Cena no sells it. Ken tries to make nice, but he gets pressed slammed on to the heels (and it looked like he took a nasty bump on his head). Cena stares down Legacy as we head out.
Winner: John Cena (Pinfall-Attitude Adjustment **)

-Jeremy Piven was an absolute trainwreck, and Dr. Ken was worse. So ignoring all of that the build to Summerfest….errr…Summerslam is lukewarm at best as we’ve done nothing to make me all that interested in Orton-Cena. The internet, and namely the commenters, are nearly going to crash the site with cries of Cena overcoming the odds again. This time they have a point, but look at the bright side. Miz goes to Smackdown a bigger star than he was before he left ECW, and now we can finally get the Miz-Morrison feud we all want. Most of the IWC will also piss and moan about the inevitable DX reunion, but lets face it, they’re over like crazy and far better than Trips on his own. So while this show sucked there are glimmers of hope on the horizon.