411’s WWE SummerSlam Report 08.23.09

Welcome one and all to 411’s SummerSlam report with me, Chris Lansdell. Before you ask, those of you looking for match times and ratings can find them in the Instant Access column which the mercurial Scott Slimmer will have up shortly. So without further ado…LET’S BOOGIE!

DX are making shadow puppets in front of the SummerSlam opening clip. No, really. HBK presses the wrong button and the screen goes blank, leaving the two of them to make unfunny jokes again. SHOWTIME!

Pyro!

WWE IC Title Match: Rey Mysterio © vs. Dolph Ziggler

Rey is once again in Steelers colours. Wait, no that’s purple. Rams colours. I think. Wait, I am now assured it’s actually Vikings colours.

Dolph starts off with shots in the corner but Rey reverses it. Dolph with a whip and a nice powerslam for 2. Schoolboy gets 2 more for Dolph. Impressive start. More corner beatery by Dolph. Rey avoids a charge, charges himself but Dolph elevates him…Rey lands ON HIS FEET on the top rope! Moonsault press!! 1…2…no. Dolph is on the floor, a rana off the apron by Rey and Dolph hits the rail AND the cameraman. Poor Sim Snuka. Rey rolls Dolph in, he tries to go up top but Dolph meets him with rights and goes up top. Rey beats him down and tries a rana from the top OH GOD DAMN Ziggler Ganso bombed him, completely by mistake. Ziggler covers by holding on and hits a buckle bomb! 2 count only. Ziggler locks in a headlock, then hits a high leaping elbow for 2. Back to the headlock now, transitioned into a body scissors/chinlock combo. Rey tries to punch his way out but Ziggler gets some knees and charges Rey in the corner…drop toehold by Rey! Ziggler hits the turnbuckle and Rey measures him…HUGE clothesline by Ziggler. Fireman’s carry…he wouldn’t hit a DVD would he? No, gutbuster connects and back to the chinlock. Another whip and charge, Ziggler misses again. Springboard La Silla by Rey! Rey rolls through a sunset flip and kicks Dolph’s head to San Francisco. 1…2…no. Rey comes flying off the ropes with a springboard crossbody but gets nothing but Dolph’s feet in a dropkick counter. Rey avoids another charge in the corner and gets a sunset flip, Dolph counters and levels Rey with a clothesline again. Rey slips out the back of a back suplex and gets an enziguiri! 619 position…Dolph slips to the outside! Nice counter. He trips Rey and hits a running Rocker Dropper! 1…2…2.8227! ANOTHER charge countered, by a boot this time from Rey, and Rey does a spinny tilt-a-whirl rollup for 2. Ziggler once again regains control but Rey gets a lucha DDT counter for 2. Dropkick to the ass by Rey! 619 connects! Splash time…MISSES! 1…2…2.9006! Ziggler is frustrated now. There is a Ziggler chant in LA. Ziggler with corner beatery and a big kick to Rey’s face sends him to the apron. Dolph has Rey in a fireman’s carry on the top! COUNTERED! Top rope rana! 1…2…3!!!

Winner: Rey Misterio via pinfall (top rope rana)

Josh is with MVP and Swagger. Swagger talks about the fact that he is great and MVP is an ex-con. MVP is just a stepping stone. MVP says Swagger might have fought for a trophy but he fought for survival.

MVP vs. Jack Swagger

The Special Ed Gorilla seems to have lost his pyro. The crowd is DEAD for MVP. Boring midcard feuds just don’t cut it.

Swagger tries an amateur takedown but MVP reverses for a quick 1 count. MVP avoids a charge and hits a clothesline, then a side slam. He sets for the Ballin’ elbow but Swagger bails to the floor, where he is hit with an MVP crossbody to the outside. Back inside and MVP gets a 2 count. MVP tries a tornado DDT but Swagger yanks him off the top rope, MVP landed badly there. BIG whip by Swagger and a forearm shiver to the back. OLD SCHOOL. He tries it one too many times and MVP gets an elbow but Swagger locks in an abdominal stretch. Man, this commentary tonight is doing nothing for me. Just really blah. MVP escapes the stretch and tries a hip toss but sells the back before getting leveled with a clothesline. A pair of covers get a brace of 2 counts, and then Swagger locks in a Steiner Recliner. MVP counters with an electric chair drop! 1…2…no. I think the crowd would rather watch Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump again. Forearms by MVP and a big right hand, followed by a jawjacker. BALLIN! 1…2…no. Cole says that was his best Kobe impression. They’re not in Colorado, I won’t make that joke. Swagger regains control and tries the Vader Bomb, MVP gets the knees up! KAWADA KICK! Playmaker! 1…2…3!

Winner: MVP via pinfall (Playmaker)

We see Luke Perry at ringside. We get a montage of Raw guest hosts and now some random blonde, who is allegedly Nancy O’Dell, is pimping some charity. She talks to Freddie Prinze Jr and the crowd are crapping all over this. Nancy confirms she will be a guest host and asks for tips.

WWE Unified Tag Team Title Match: Chris Jericho and The Big Show © vs. Cryme Tyme

Ooooh new music for JeriShow, and it no longer makes my ears bleed. Jericho has a mic and says there are a lot of celebrities here, but that don’t impress him much, ah ah ah-oo. They are beyond celebrities, they are by far the most famous people in this arena tonight. Same promo we’ve heard every week from Jericho. He passes the mic to Show who is interrupted by Cryme Time’s theme. Interesting to note that, should they win, this would be Cryme Tyme’s first tag title reign.

JTG amd Jericho to start. Jericho gets the shoulder block but then eats the flying back elbow. Off the ropes with a blockbuster by JTG and he gets a quick 2. Jericho gets up faster and gets control, he counters a knee into a Walls attempt but JTG punches out so Jericho catapults him to the top, JTG regains his balance and hits the flying scissor leg for 2. Jericho levels JTG with a right and here comes the beef. Headbutt and a LOUD chop by Show. Now he applies a headlock. Of course he could tap a guy out with that. Shot to the ribs and another big chop. Show with a whip but JTG gets the boots up to meet the charge and tags in Shad! Right hands and a pair of shoulders don’t take Show down, Show counters a whip but Shad avoids the charge and military presses Jericho….and DOWN chest first. CRUNCH! Show spears him out of his boots. Show steps on his head, hits a chop and tags Jericho. Jericho toys with Shad, which is possibly a bad idea, and Shad proves me right with a large foot. Jericho knocks JTG off the apron to prevent the tag and then tags Show back in. MASTERLOCK TIME! Well, a full nelson by Show anyway. Show releases the hold before it gets broken and tags in Jericho who misses an elbow drop. Jericho has a sleeper locked in, Shad breaks out and gets a powerslam! Both men are down and there’s the tag! A pair of leaping clotheslines by JTG, a whip and the Mugshot! He smacks Show then hits a spinng clothesline drop for 2! Show breaks the pin so Shad takes him up and over to the floor, SCHOOLBOY by JTG! 1…2…no!!! Jericho locks in the Walls! JTG is fighting it and fighting hard…he makes the ropes! RIGHT HOOK from the outside by Show!!! Jericho covers! 1…2..3!

Winners: JeriShow via pinfall (Jericho on JTG, Show right hand)

Punk cuts a promo on every pop-culture icon around, talking about an alleged screenplay for a Jeff Hardy movie. Well if that’s real, it explains where Jeff is going. Good promo though.

Kane vs. The Great Khali

So if Runjin Singh and Khali are brothers, did Mr and Mrs Singh not have enough Miracle Gro to put in both their kids’ chicken korma? Better yet, is anyone except Small looking forward to this? Runjin Singh is dancing as usual, guess he wasn’t too traumatised then.

Kane tries to get a quick start but Khali muscles him to the corner and beats him down. The ref calls for the break and Kane comes back strong, but Khali just tosses him casually to the floor. Kane snaps Khali’s arm over the top rope but Khali hit s a clothesline with it anyway. Khali misses a legdrop and that allows Kane to gain control. Big elbow drop by Kane. Goozle! Khali breaks it and goes for the Punjabi Plunge! Kane fights that off but gets leveled. 2 count for Khali. Mounted punches by Khali gets a 1 count. Clothesline in the corner by Khali and a HUGE chop, but Kane comes back with a shot of his own and a top rope clothesline. 1…2…no. Chinlock by Kane now and he knocks some shots into the head of Khali. This is a LONG chinlock. Khali comes back with an elbow and a BIG boot. BRAIN CHOP! 1…2…2.7997! BRAIN SQUEEZE! Kane makes the ropes and while he’s there drags Runjin in the ring! He pushes the runt of the litter into Khali, dropkicks the hell out of Khali’s knee and spikes a DDT! 1…2…3!

Winner: Kane via pinfall (DDT)

More celebs are shown, including Slash and Robert Patrick.

DX vs. Legacy

DX clearly have some pull around these parts, as the US Army comes out along with the equivalent of the national debt in pyro. Oooh firecracker machine guns. Spiffy. More pyro. Oh good Lord they’re on a tank with pyro coming from the gun. That’s some entrance. So where’s Legacy’s tank? They couldn’t even give them some IEDs?

HHH and DiBiase to start. DiBiase beats down HHH in the corner but HHH turns the tables and then levels DiBiase with a clothesline. Suplex by HHH and a kneedrop gets 2. HHH drops his head and gets kicked in it, DiBiase tags Cody who runs into a “vintage knee”. Cody is stuck between HHH and HBK, so he figures it would be a good idea to ask Shawn what the five fingers said to the face.

HHH tags Michaels, they run the ropes and Cody slaps him again! HBK takes him down and lays in some shots, then gets a Lou Thesz press and more right hands! Back to their feet, SLAP by Michaels! HBK sets for Sweet Chin Music but Cody bails, HHH throws him right back in and he bails again. Cody charges into a drop toehold and a headlock by HBK. Back suplex by Cody to escape and a tag to DiBiase. HBK takes him to the corner and hits a series of big chops. An HBK whip is reversed, he does the trademark bump and then gets decapitated by a DiBiase clothesline. Tag to Cody who gets a cover for 2. Scoop slam by Rhodes and a knee drop gets 2. Tag to DiBiase who comes in with an elbow for 2 more. Chinlock applied by DiBiase, Michaels fights out and hits a neckbreaker as DiBiase drops his head too early. Tag made to HHH who comes in with big rights, a whip is reversed and Cody gets his knee up to the back. HHH drags him in and beats him down, but gets caught by DiBiase and catapulted to the corner. Spinebuster to DiBiase! Spinebuster to Rhodes! Pedigree is broken up, HBK is in and they throw Rhodes to the floor! HHH lifts HBK up and over and onto Rhodes! DIBIASE WITH A NUTSHOT! Legacy firmly in control now with shots and quick tags. Nothing revolutionary here. Chinlock reapplied by DiBiase, HHH gets to his feet and is inches away from the tag before DiBiase drags him down again. HHH twists and turns and gets a back suplex to break the hold. Rhodes is in, he kicks HHH in the gut and gets a DDT for 2 to stop the tag. Jacknife cover also gets 2. Rhodes applies…an armbar? Well no, it’s something else, sort of a half facelock. HHH gets a back body drop to escape, DiBiase tags in and knocks HBK off the apron. More corner beatery on HHH by DiBiase, HHH fights back and they exchange blows. DiBiase charges and HHH throws him outside!!! HBK is in! Clotheslines, inverted atomic, chop, atomic! Flying forearm! Kip up and DiBiase NAILS HBK from behind with a clothesline! HHH takes DiBiase to the floor while Rhodes climbs the ropes…flying elbow MISSES! HBK now goes up top to hit his own! Rhodes catches him and crotches him! Rhodes goes up for a superplex, HBK fights it off and knocks Rhodes down to the mat! THERE’S a flying elbow!…into the knees! 1…2…2.8224! Rhodes tries the CrossRhodes but HBK counters into a figure four! DiBiase comes in from nowhere to break it up! HHH in and tries a Pedigree on DiBiase, broken up by Rhodes! HBK tries a Sweet Chin Music, countered! Rabbit punch by Cody and he hits the CrossRhodes! 1…2…HHH breaks it up! DiBiase tries to come in, the ref stops him…Pedigree to Rhodes! The ref takes HHH out of the ring…DREAM STREET to HBK! Both men are out cold as DiBiase and HHH fight on the outside! They’re up, barely, at 9! SWEET CHIN MUSIC! 1…2..3!

Winners: D-Generation X via pinfall (Michaels on Rhodes, Sweet Chin Music)

ECW Title Match: Christian © vs. William Regal

GO! Ahh it’s good to get an ECW match on the card. Regal comes down with Ebony and Ivory, sitting together in perfect harmony. See, I’d be shitting myself. So is the ECW title actually considered “gold”, since it has none?

BULLSHIT! Christian hits the Killswitch while Regal is taking off his swank smoking jacket! What a load of fuck. Kozlov and Jackson proceed to smush Christian before Regal applies the Regal Stretch.

Winner: Christian via pinfall (Killswitch)

They do a recap of SummerSlam Axxess and then the Orton-Cena feud. All this time could have been spent on Regal-Christian.

WWE Title Match: Randy Orton © vs. John Cena

There is no cavalcade of boo for Cena tonight. As for Orton…well, he hears voices in his head. They counsel him, they understand. Cole mentions Orton becoming the youngest WWE champion ever, 5 years ago. And who did he beat for that title, Cole? That’s what I thought.

They circle before locking up. Ah, there are the boos for Cena. He gets a waistlock takedown which Orton counters and they’re both up. Cena grabs an armbar but gets surprised by a stiff right from Orton. Corner beatdown from Orton and some kicks in the ribs, but Cena explodes from the corner with some stiff shots and gets a 2 count. Orton though comes back with a nasty back elbow to the head. More shots in the corner by Orton and a HARD whip. Orton measures Cena and kicks him in the head, then lets Cena crawl his way to his feet before whipping him hard to the opposite corner. Orton Stomp time! HIGH knee drop by Orton gets 2. Cena gets to his feet and tries to fight back but Orton hits the chinlock-backbreaker for 2. Chinlock applied now. Cena stays in it for a looong time before running Orton back into the corner to break the hold. Clotheslines by Cena! Blue Thunder Bomb! You can’t see him! Attitude Adjustment countered into a powerslam by Orton! 1…2…no. Orton stomps away again and now he’s lining up another knee…Cena moves! Rights by Cena, he comes off the ropes and goes for the flying shoulder tackle…Orton has it scouted! Cena goes to the floor! He makes his way back in and Orton grabs Cena’s head…rope-assisted DDT! 1…2…no! Orton is set again, lining up an RKO. No, he changes his mind and goes for the point after touchdown…Cena moves! Throwback by Cena! To the top…Rocker Dropper over halfway across the ring! 2 count only. Cena gets him up for the Attitude Adjustment but Orton grabs the top rope to block! Cena lets him down and they each hit a clothesline! Both men up at 8 and they exchange blows. This crowd is really split and it’s great. Cena wins the exchange and hits a baaaaaaaaack body drop…so Orton pushes the ref. BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! Lillian says Orton is the winner and new champion. Huh?

Winner: John Cena via…wait! Lillian has something else to say…Mr McMahon has restarted the match! And if Orton gets DQ’d, he loses the title!

Side slam by Cena gets a quick 2. Hard whip by Cena and they go to the floor, Cena takes Orton to the railing but Orton comes back and gets a kick to the gut, then whips Cena into the steps. He rolls Cena back inside and gets a 2 count. Another cover, 1 count this time. And again, same result. Orton goes and gets his belt, then walks off! Gee I wonder what happens here. Lillian botches the announcement again. Orton comes back into the ring and Cena goes right for the STF! Orton escapes, RKO attempt is countered, Attitude Adjustment attempt is countered! Schoolboy! Orton is on the ropes! 1…2…3!!!

Winner: Randy Orton via pinfal…NO! Another ref is out to tell the original, inept ref what happened! The match is restarted AGAIN and Cena gets the STF!!! Orton is fighting for the ropes, Cena breaks the hold to drag Orton back and it looks like Orton tapped! Wait…what? A guy in jeans and a white shirts is in the ring choking the ref! They don’t show his face and security takes him out. Orton and Cena look in bewildered. The thing is, they show security taking the guy out so it’s clearly not a fan. Looked like Joe Hennig or Brett DiBiase to me. The ref and Cena are in the ring looking confused, Cena goes to bring Orton in the ring but Orton snaps his neck over the rope! Back inside goes Orton, RKO! 1…2…3!

Winner: Randy Orton via pinfall (RKO)

World Title TLC Match: Jeff Hardy © vs. CM Punk

This is going to rock my face. And my fingers. JR references the Second City Saints! Hardy looks focused. Here we go!

They lock up and Punk gets control with some sick-looking knees and a series of stomps. He throws Hardy outside and goes for a chair. Punk measures Hardy and drives the chair into his midsection, then slams it over his back. Punk sets up a ladder and climbs but Hardy pushes the ladder at the last minute! Aggressive beatdown in the corner by Jeff, he then hits the mule kikc in the corner which JR says is called the Hardy-ac arrest. Ugh. Hardy is going to climb now but Punk kicks the ladder out from under him! Punk tries for a GTS but Jeff escapes and shoves Punk into the ladder! Jeff sets a chair and goes for Poetry in Motion…Punk catches him! He drives Hardy down across the back of the chair, back first! Damn. Punk grabs the ladder and slams it down on Jeff repeatedly, he whips Jeff who avoids the contact with the corner but not with Punk’s legs as he eats a spinning heel kick. Hardy is thrown outside and Punk measures him from inside…tope suicida! Punk has him a table now. He tries to wrap the chair around Jeff’s head but Jeff fights it off, so Punk charges with the chair and hits nothing but ring post! Hardy fights back and whips Punk into the steps, Punk leaps up on top of them and tries to jump on Hardy…WHAM! Hardy hits a line drive to centre field! Back back back back…GONE! Poetry in Motion by Jeff connects! He folds up a chair and launches it at the back of Punk, then puts Punk on the table. Hardy goes up top! SPLASH MISSES! Jeff goes through the table! Punk fetches another ladder and takes it in the ring. Man JR and Cole especially are awful tonight. Punk tries to climb, Jeff stops him and climbs over him, he almost has it! PUNK GRABS HIM FOR A GTS FROM THE LADDER! No way. No Way! SUNSET BOMB by Jeff counters! Jeff sets the ladder and climbs slowly now, he has a hand on the belt but Punk pushes the ladder and Hardy lands in the ropes, legs spread in a way normally only seen on Skinemax. Punk hauls Hardy from the outside to the top and SUPERPLEXES HIM TO THE LADDER! That hurt Punk too! Let’s ask Blaccu-Weather Meteorologist Ollie Williams what he thought of that move. Ollie?

THEY CRAZY

Thanks Ollie. Now this! TWIST OF FATE by Hardy out of nowhere! He goes up top..SWANT-Knees! Punk blocked it! High running knee by Punk, he tries the bulldog but Hardy picks him up and dumps him out of the ring through a table on the floor!!! Hardy climbs after a while, but PUNK! Springboard attack off the top, taking Jeff off the ldder! To the outside now, Punk again wraps the chair around Jeff’s head and tries to take him to the post but Hardy blocks! Punk to the post! Hardy has a chair now and WEARS Punk out with it! Hardy is doing some feng shui at ringside and hits a monitor shot while he’s at it. Punk is on the announce table and gets smacked with a couple of chair shots, and Hardy has a ladder that is easily 15 feet high. Possibly more. Off comes the shirt! Yeah I’d say 15-18 feet. Hardy climbs to the very tippy top and the crowd are going nuts. Please don’t die Jeff! SWANTON OFF THE LADDER! HE HIT IT! Both men are down and out and the refs are calling for help. They’re strapping Jeff to a back board and putting on a neck brace, Punk is in the ring though! Hardy refuses help and tries to get back into the ring! Punk is not even on the first rung yet as Hardy stumbles through the ropes. Punk climbs with urgency, Hardy climbs the other wide and they exchange blows atop the ladder! Punk knocks Jeff off the ladder and takes the belt!

Winner: CM Punk via retrieval

Punk is standing over Jeff Hardy with the belt. GONG! Lights go out! They come back up and Punk is still standing over…UNDERTAKER! Punk has no idea! He looks down and you can almost hear his bowels vacate! Goozle! CHOKESLAM! We fade to black with Taker at the rop of the ramp posing!