411’s WWE Raw Report 09.28.09

FOLLOW US
@Robbymac82
@411Wrestling
@411Boxing
@411MoviesTV
@411Games
@411mma
@411mania

-Special thanks to Larry for covering the action last week, but I’m back for Raw is Sharpton. Just a forewarning, yours truly happens to be a rather large fan of America’s Team, and I’ve got dualing TV’s going tonight in Casa de Rob. So if the play by play goes something like “Kofi grabs a headlock, and FELIX IS GONE! TOUCHDOWN COWBOYS!” I apologize. We’re a week out from Hell in a Cell, and tonight John Cena faces Randy Orton, The Big Show, and Chris Jericho in a gauntlet match. Can he OVERCOME THE ODDS????

-Live from the Times Union Center in Albany, NY

-Hosted by Michael Cole & Jerry “The King” Lawler

-MVP and Mark Henry kick things off in the ring for the VIP Lounge. MVP goes to introduce tonight’s guest host, but instead is greeted by Chris Jericho and The Big Show. Jericho says how dare he give an introduction like that to a man of Rev. Al Sharpton. Instead of calling him a guest host Jericho wants him called one of the most prominent civil rights leaders of our time. They basically take turns verbally sucking off Sharpton, before introducing him to a chorus of boos. Al calls it the most elaborate introductions of his life, as the crowd totally shits all over him. Al continues to preach about what he’s working on, as I slowly start to turn my attention back to football until they start focusing on something related to wrestling. Finally MVP mentions that he’s thinking about reform in regards to the Unified Tag Team Titles, and he wants a tag title match tonight in addition to the pay per view match. Sharpton asks Jericho what he thinks of that, and Jericho says that while surrounded by liars and hypocrites he doesn’t care what they think. Jericho can’t compete tonight because of his match with Cena tonight, and these guys don’t deserve a title shot anymore than all the gelatinous (and a variety of other Jerichoisms) leeches. They don’t deserve to be in the presense of greatness. Sharpton says he’s all about opportunity, and asks the people if they want a title match tonight. The crowd voices their approval, so Al books a title match for up next.

Unified Tag Team Championship: Mark Henry & Montel Vontavious Porter vs. Chris Jericho & The Big Show ©
Joined in progress out of the break with Jericho and MVP going at it. Jericho hits a shoulderblock, but MVP is back with a series of right hands. Jericho hits a bridge suplex for two, but MVP counters into a backslide for two. MVP tags in Henry who comes in with a big double axehandle. Henry stands on the chest of Jericho, and then delivers a headbutt. Henry hits a hiptoss, but then misses a clothesline allowing Jericho to bail to his corner tagging in Show. Show goes for an avalanche in the corner, but Henry catches him driving him to the corner. Clothesline from Henry sets up a tag to MVP who comes in with a series of clotheslines and a facebuster to rock the big man. MVP goes for a charge, but runs into a clothesline from Show as he regains control of the match. Jericho tags in and delivers a forearm before locking in the half-nelson facelock. MVP fights his way free of that, and then delivers a clothesline putting both men down. MVP gets a cover for two, but then Jericho is able to stop him from making a tag with a kick to the ribs. Jericho chokes out MVP on the second rope, before tagging in Show. Show grabs a side headlock, and then takes MVP over with it. Show tags Jericho back into the match, as he comes in with a kick to the ribs. Jericho hits a back elbow, but then misses a lionsault which allows the hot tag. Henry knocks Show off the apron, and delivers a headbutt to Jericho. Henry picks up Jericho in a press slam, and then tosses him outside onto the waiting Show as we head to break. Back from break as Jericho gives us a Flair Flop, and Henry covers for two. Jericho makes a blind tag off the ropes to Show who hits a spear on Henry, and then delivers an elbow drop. Show hits a big splash for a two count, and follows up with a headbutt. The ref gets tied up with MVP allowing Jericho to get a couple cheap shots before Show hits a clothesline for two. Show delivers a series of elbows to the shoulder while holding an armbar. Show delivers a series of headbutts, and a DDT for a two count. Tag to Jericho who delivers a kick to the ribs, and then goes for a sleeper hold. Henry backs Jericho into the corner, but charges into a drop toehold sending him to the second buckle. Jericho goes back to the ribs with a series of kicks before tagging Show back inside. Henry hits the ropes and collides with Show for the double clothesline putting both behemoths down. Tags to both men follow, and MVP is in with a throw, and then a big boot for a two count. MVP delivers a pair of rights, and then a flying clothesline off the ropes. Ballin’ elbow drop follows by MVP for a two count, so he sets up for the playmaker. Big Show breaks that up, but gets speared to the floor by Henry. Jericho dropkicks Henry outside, but MVP rolls him up for two. MVP hits a DDT off the ropes for another two count. Wow! MVP hits the ropes again, and this time Show gets a shot from the floor. That allows Jericho to hit the codebreaker, and the champs retain at 18:15. Really nice opener, as its not often you get a near 20 minute match on free TV. Still the Big Show-Henry portion drug this one down considerably.
Winners: STILL Undisputed Tag Team Champions: Chris Jericho & The Big Show (Jericho pins MVP-Codebreaker ***)

-Primo sucks up to Al Sharpton, but gets interrupted by Chavo chasing Hornswoggle. Chavo says he’s the greatest Mexican American superstar of all time, and introduces him to his partner Chris Masters. Santino pops in and says Hornswoggle is his partner, and compares Chavo and Masters to the Geico Commercial guys. Santino mistakes Sharpton for Don King, but gets quickly corrected. Al thinks he got more than he bargained for this week.

-Josh Mathews is joined by Randy Orton, and says Cena doesn’t stand a chance of surviving tonight much less competing. Even if he does this Sunday he stands to lose a lot more than just the title. He says once he’s locked inside he will not be held responsible for his action, and Cena’s struggle to survive will come to a very abrupt end when he wins the WWE Championship.

Mickie James vs. Rosa Mendes (w. Alicia Fox)
Mickie grabs a headlock takevover, but Rosa counters out with a headscissor. Mickie hits an armdrag, and holds on to the armbar. A little diva trademarked botch in the corner, before Mickie hits a dropkick. Mickie hits a neckbreaker for two, but Rosa is right back to pull Mickie’s head to the mat. Rosa hits a pair of kicks to the lower back for a two count, before grabbing hold of a bow and arrow. Mickie counters out, but Rosa drives Mickie into the corner and shoulderblocks the back a few times. Mickie hits a kick and a back elbow before delivering a hurracanrana. Mickie goes for something, again botched by Rosa but she ends up on top. Alicia provides a distraction on the apron, but Rosa’s attempt to take advantage fails horribly. Mickie mercifully ends it with a spin kick at 3:37. Mickie tried her best, but you can’t make chicken salad out of chicken shit.
Winner: Mickie James (Pinfall-Spin Kick DUD)

-Meanwhile Carolina leads Dallas 7-0 on Monday Night Football. Who’s the bigger botch machine tonight? Rosa or Romo?

-Legacy is out, and Ted says no one expects them to win this Sunday, but we should. He says if you look at what they’ve done the past few weeks they are primed for the single greatest win of their careers, and the single worst defeat in the history of DX. He introduces a video package for those with short attention spans, and it is a video package of them beating up DX the past few weeks. Cody says what those moments have in common is that no one expected them, and then sings HHH’s and HBK’s praises saying for two decades Raw has been their sandbox. Rhodes says after Sunday HHH can go get his cozy office ready at Titan Tower, and he can hang out with his relatives and think about what his career used to be. Cody says he’s been in the ring with the showstopper, and calls him the greatest in-ring performer to ever breathe. Cody says his career is the stuff of legend, but the story ends with Cody and Ted standing over a broken heap of Shawn Michaels. Shawn interrupts off camera by screaming “BORING!” and Dibiase says time is running out for the two of them. HHH says this isn’t half bad, and Shawn says no, its all bad. They share a hearty laugh as we find them up in a luxury box. Dibiase says they’re real funny, but they’re not funny. They see right through them, and they’re trying to take the sting out of the beating they were given. HHH says they’re like…but Shawn tells him to choose his words carefully as we’re now PG. HHH says they’re like butts, but not the cheeks. More the center part. HHH says Cody’s a comic freak, and brings up Incredible Hulk and his alter ego Bob Barker. Shawn corrects him telling him its actually Bruce Banner. HHH says they’re kinda like the Hulk, and when they’re telling jokes the monster stays at bay. Ted interrupts and says they can use any analogy they want. Shawn chastises Ted for being rude, and says HHH wasn’t even finished. He says unlike Bruce Banner they like when the monster comes out, and then suggest they’re not going to wait until Sunday. Shawn and HHH head down to the ring, but Legacy bails out through the crowd. Shawn says what a shock. After all the talk, here they stand ready to go, but there they go running away. HHH tells them to enjoy the distance they have now, because Sunday there will be no running or hiding in the cell, and they won’t be joking. HHH tells them that Sunday it will be pure hell.

Jack Swagger vs. Evan Bourne
Kofi has apparently not turned in his stolen merchandise to his HR department as Swagger still carries the US title belt to the ring. Swagger hits a double leg takedown, and then counters a headscissor attempt by Bourne into a backbreaker. Swagger drives the knee of Bourne into the mat, and then locks in a leg submission of some kind. Bourne reaches the ropes so Swagger just casually boots him to the floor. Swagger tries to pull him back inside, but gets met with a kick. Bourne hits a rollup for two, and then delivers a spinning heel kick. Low dropkick by Bourne is followed by a running clothesline for one. Swagger goes for the Gutwrench out of nowhere, but Bourne counters ending up on the top rope with a double knee for two. Bourne goes for a hurracanrana, but Swagger rolls through with it and turns it into a SICK powerbomb for the victory at 3:01. Match was really quick, but I’d stop short of calling it a squash. Bourne was pretty competitive for the short time this got. Afterward Swagger says he has the look and the talent, and already has the gold. In a few short days at Hell in a Cell he’ll become the All American American United States Champion. Miz interrupts, and lets him know that he’s garnered all the publicity of the 2009 draft class, and says everyone knows that he’s going to be the new Champion. He demands that Swagger look at him, and then smacks him to get his attention. Big mistake as Swagger attacks and a pull apart brawl commences. That allows Kofi to run out and reclaim his belt.
Winner: Jack Swagger (Pinfall-Powerbomb **)

Santino Marella & Hornswoggle vs. Chavo Guerrero & “The Masterpiece” Chris Masters
This may be the greatest tag team ever. And I’m not talking about Chavo and Masters. Santino starts things off with Chavo, and grabs a side headlock before hitting a shoulderblock. Chavo comes back to fire Marella into the boot of Masters before tagging out. Masters hits a slam, and tags Chavo back inside who delivers a kick to the ribs. Chavo chokes out Santino on the second rope, and then delivers a European uppercut. Chavo sends Santino into the top buckle, but a second attempt is block and he eats the buckle instead. Santino begins to Marella up, but Chavo makes the blind tag to Masters who cinches in the Masterlock to finish at 2:17. Masters goes and grabs Hornswoggle after the bell much to the approval of Chavo, and then locks the masterlock on the midget. Chavo gets an odd look on his face, and then SAVES SWOGGLE by giving a right hand to Masters. He walks away with a look of shock over what he just did.
Winners: Chavo Guerrero & “The Masterpiece” Chris Masters (Masters submits Marella-Masterlock ½*)

-Ben Roethlisberger is your guest host next week accompanied by the Steelers offensive line. You know maybe he should focus on getting out of a 1-2 hole, and not hosting Raw. Also good luck drawing the FOOTBALL audience when the Monday Night game is Favre and the Vikings against Green Bay.

-Al Sharpton is joined by Jillian who wants him to be her tour manager like he was for James Brown. She serenades him with “Living in America.” He says he’s working on his education tour, but here comes the Bellas who want him to dance. He says if he can get the dropout rate down he’ll go to Washington and dance. Then he does a little bit of dancing. On the guest host scale Sharpton ranks right above ZZ Top. That’s not a good thing.

3 on 1 Gauntlet Match: John Cena vs. Chris Jericho, The Big Show, & Randy Orton
First Opponent: Chris Jericho
Cena grabs a headlock takeover, and immediately goes for the pin to no avail. Cena drives Jericho into the corner, and the goes for the STF which is pushed off by Jericho. Jericho hits a clothesline, and then drives an elbow to the head before choking out Cean on the second rope. Jericho hits a back elbow, and covers for a two count. Jericho grabs a sleeper, but Cena counters into an Attitude Adjustment attempt. Jericho rolls out of that, and then slingshots Cena throat first into the bottom rope. Jericho charges into the corner, and misses allowing Cena to hit a trio of shoulderblocks. Protoplex from Cena sets up the five knuckle shuffle which connects. Attitude Adjustment attempt is countered by Jericho into the Walls of Jericho. Cena is able to reach the ropes to break the hold, but Jericho refuses to break at the five count getting himself disqualified at 3:23. Jericho refuses to let go well after the bell, as out comes Big Show.
Winner: John Cena (Disqualification-Refusal to Break at 5)

Second Opponent: The Big Show
Show wanders out with Cena laying as Jericho finally lets go of the hold. Show sets up Cena in the corner, and delivers a body blow to the kidneys as we head to break. Back from commercial with Show still in control driving a series of body shots to the lower back of Cena. Show buries a shoulderblock into the lower back, and then grabs a bearhug. Cena is able to break free, but he takes a kneelift from Show who then calls for the chokeslam. Cena counters the chokeslam into a DDT, and then goes for the Attitude Adjustment. Cena gets him up, but Jericho runs in to make the save drawing the DQ at 5:45. Show locks in the Colossal Clutch, as Randy Orton begins his slow walk to the ring. The good thing for Cena is that by the time Orton actually gets to the ring he’ll be fully recovered.
Winner: John Cena (Disqualification-Jerichoference)

Third Opponent: Randy Orton
A beaten Cena calls at Orton to get in the ring as he pulls himself to his feet. Orton stalks Cena and they go eye to eye, but Cena points up and the cell begins to lower. Orton looks ominiously at the cage dropping as Cena takes him down and subdues him from getting away as the cage lowers. Orton nearly escapes Cena, but is about a second late from escaping the cell. Maybe if he would have picked up the pace a little bit on his way to the ring he wouldn’t have this problem. When you give a guy twenty minutes to recover while you walk to the ring these things happen. The door remains open tonight, but Orton is on the other side and Cena stands in the way. Orton goes for the door, but Cena meets him at the door and the fight is on. Orton gets outside, but Cena is quickly out to follow. Orton climbs the cell to get away, but Cena is up after him and now both men end up on top of the cell. This would be the first time I believe anyone has been on top of the newer bigger cell. They trade blows on top of the cell, and Cena delivers the Attitude Adjustment on top of the cell and his music plays which I guess means this thing is over at 4:30. Cena stands tall on top of the cell as we’re out for the evening.
Winner: No Contest (** for the whole thing)

-I joked about it, but boy did they ever take a big piss all over the nearly 15 minute beatdown JeriShow laid on Cena. What the hell was the point of that? As soon as Orton got to the ring Cena was basically recovered, and then Orton runs?!?! Normally I defend the over-protective booking of Cena but this was absolutely absurd even by those standards. Wow. I’d rather have spent the evening watching my Cowboys, and they’re playing like shit. Awful show all around.