411’s TNA Impact Report 10.29.09

Hey yo. Wlecome to the first Impact after the big Hogan signing. Before you get excited, this was taped BEFORE he signed so there’s no chance of him appearing in the Impact Zone tonight.

We get a recap of the Wolfe/Angle confrontation from last week. Seems like he’s opening with some mic time! Big steps for Desmond here. He introduces himself again and says that he’s Wolfe to his friends, but to you wankers he’s Mr Wolfe. He’s not going to say he’s the next big thing, he’s the only thing. He was raised to be the world’s greatest fighter, it’s in his genes. He was destined to be a champion, which is why he’s here in TNA. He doesn’t need a gold medal to prove how tough he is. Angle only won it because they felt sorry for him. He knows Angle has a tough guy image, but it’s a façade. He could have broken Angle’s neck but he didn’t, and in one night Wolfe became the greatest wrestler in TNA. Angle’s music hits and he likely has something to say about that proclamation. Angle doesn’t know where he came from, or who sent him, but he overstayed his welcome and will be leaving TNA tonight. The young guys like AJ and Morgan earned his respect, but Wolfe earned nothing. He messed with the wrong guy. He has his head up his ass, it would seem. Nobody comes in his back yard and pisses in it. He challenges Wolfe to a street fight later tonight!

Lauren is with AJ and they are watching footage of the attack from last week. AJ says he doesn’t know who it was because it was dark. He starts to call the punk out, when Joe comes in and says he should tell him himself. AJ accuses Joe, but Joe says he comes straight for you. Joe thinks AJ should talk to Daniels. Boy, Joe’s voice sounds rough. AJ is not happy with Joe’s suggestion.

Back from break and Kong is on a rampage for no apparent reason. Taz and Tenay say it’s because she has no handler.

Hype for the Hogan signing.

Alyssa Flash vs Tara

Flash pulls Tara’s hair to take her down. Flash gets some shots to the midsection, whips Tara to the corner and charges, but Tara avoids it and locks in the Tarantula in the ropes! Slingshot legdrop from the apron! 1…2…no. Taz and Tenay talk again about Hogan, and it’s badly superimposed over the match. Interestingly they keep calling it a partnership and not a signing. Tara charges into Flash’s boot, Flash whips Tara and hits a clothesline. 2 count. She chokes Tara in the ropes then gets a scoop slam. Elbow drop gets 2 for Flash. Flash misses a charge in the corner but comes back with some kicks and goes to the top. Tara goes up with her and connects with the superplex! Fireman’s carry by Tara gets 2. Clotheslines by Tara and a snap suplex get 2 more. Short-arm clothesline, Flash ducks and gets a pumphandle bomb for 2! Nice counter. CURB STOMP! Flash pulls Tara up, and out of nowhere she connects with the Spider’s Web! 1…2…3! That was sloppy.

Winner: Tara via pinfall (Spider’s Web)

KONG! She comes down to the ring and boots Tara in the chest, then hits the Implant Buster on Tara on top of Flash! Ladies and gentlemen, as per my contractual obligations, allow me to point out that Kong kills bitches dead.

Team 3D are in the back when Rhino asks them if they’re calm. He’s here because he thinks 3D are getting it. Rhino says he has Morgan tonight, which he takes as proof of a conspiracy. Ray thinks he’s nuts. They saved Hernandez from himself, not Rhino from Hernandez. Rhino thinks they stopped him from the Border Toss last week because they know he’s right. 3D are not worried about the Guns tonight, but Rhino tells them to watch their backs because “they’re all in on it”. Mmmm kay…

Motor City Machine Guns vs Team 3D

Shelley and Devon to start. They exchange holds and Devon gets a shoulder block but Shelley goes to the knee of Devon (hurt at BFG, according to Tenay) and hits a spin kick for a quick 2., Devon misses a charge but gets a nice powerslam for 2. Tag to Ray, Shelley quickly bails and tags in Sabin. Ray grabs an armbar but Sabin flips out and hits some kicks. Ray catches one and sweeps the other leg, he catapults Sabin but Sabin lands safely on the apron and springboards in with a HIGH crossbody for 2. Sabin comes off the ropes with a clothesline, Ray blocks and KILLS him with a uranage right on his neck. Tag to Devonwho takes Sabin up for a press slam but Shelley chop-blocks the bad knee. Sabin gets the tag and Shelley goes to work on the knee. Devon kicks him off and tags Ray who hits a pair of clotheslines and a side slam for 2. Sabin is still down on the apron, he really got shaken by that uranage. Ray ducks a clothesline and tries a back suplex, Shelley gets out the back and hits a superkick for 2. Ray regains control and tags in Devon who goes for the Saving Grace, Shelley gets out the back and locks in the single-leg crab! Devon screams and slaps the mat once…and the ref calls for the bell?

Winners: Motor City Machine Guns via submission (single-leg crab)

Lauren is with Steiner and asks him about his focus on Bobby Lashley. Apparently Lashley demanded an apology. Steiner apologises that Kristal has no idea what it’s like to be with a real man. Oh dear. She wants, she needs to be his number 1 freak, and he’s going to make it happen. Tonight he is going to be watching Bobby’s match.

We get a clip of Hermie’s Hot Seat with Don West and Amazing Red, where they discuss their partnership. Looks like TNA want to turn Red into Rey.

TNA Legends Championship: Eirc Young (C) vs Bobby Lashley

Kristal is in the front row. Eric Young tries to get a quick start but gets nailed with a HUGE backdrop and a stiff T-Bone suplex. Lashley measure EY for the Spear but the champ bails to the floor. Lashley chases him and beats him down on the outside but STEINER levels him! Steiner has Kristal on his shirt! Shades of Rick Rude. Lashley takes Steiner down but is blindsided by Young. As soon as they get back in the ring Lashley hits a pair of body shots, a shoulder gutbuster and applies the Dragon sleeper! Steiner is in! CHAIR SHOT! The ref calls for the bell as Steiner applies the Recliner.

Winner: Bobby Lashley via DQ (Steiner-ference)

The full World Elite are in the ring in all-white jumpsuits, and Taz says they’re either selling ice cream or just got back from the moon. Magnus has the mic and confirms that they have been suspended until Turning Point for hitting the ref at BFG. And to announce that they don’t care. Eric Young claims he just handed Lashley his first defeat. Then he makes his big announcement: he is killing the Legends title (wonder how he got that power) and rechristening it the Global championship. He says he will never defend it on American soil or against an American wrestler. That brings out Kevin Nash, who says they had a bargain but that Young didn’t keep to it. He wants to know if this is the way Young does business. Young says he learned from Nash, the master. They both knew one of them was getting screwed, Young just made sure it wasn’t him. He calls Nash down to the ring to have the discussion, but Beer Money are here to beat the crap out of them before that can happen!

Daniels talks to AJ backstage and says it wasn’t him. AJ seems unsure which makes Daniels mad.

The Beautiful People vs ODB, Hamada and Christy Hemme

DAT AZZ CUBED! I love you cameraman. We go to break as the good gals come to the ring, then come back to see Sky choking Hemme with a boot. Sky drops her head and eats a facebustrer and a weak-looking axe kick and Hemme tags Hamada. Sky flees and tags Rayne who immediately gets kicked and hit with an enziguiri for 2. Scoop slam and Hamada goes up for a moonsault but Sky pushes her off the ropes. 2 count for Rayne. Tag to Sky and they get a double Russian leg sweep. Snap mare and a basement dropkick gets 2. Tag to Lacey who does nothing before tagging back out to Rayne. Rayne tries 3 covers and gets 1 each time. Tag to Sky now, they try a double clothesline but Hamada ducks it and hits a double dropkick. Tag to ODB and she hits a pair of clothesline and a fallaway slam on Sky followed by a whip and the boobalanche on Rayne. Bronco Buster! Tenay wants to know if it’s the Bronco Muncher or the Carpet Buster. Scoop slam to Sky and she tags Hemme, who goes up for the FFG! MISSES! Tag to Lacey, goozle! World’s Worst Chokeslam! 1…2…3!

Winners: The Beautiful People via pinfall (Lacey on Hemme, chokeslam)

KONG! She looks intent on killing a bitch dead but Tara attacks her from behind and we have a brawl! Security try to break them up as we go to break!

Back from break and they are still at it. We get a video recap of Abyss vs Foley from BFG.

Dr Stevie vs Abyss

Stevie has a mic. He asks if Abyss wants to be a monster and destroy Daffney. Well come and see face to face the monster he created in Stevie. Abyss be all like…”Meh. OK” and comes out to kick some ass. Stevie charges him on the ramp and…well, it doesn’t work. He beats on Steive all the way to the ring and shrugs off a series of shots from Stevie and just WAFFLES him with an open-handed chop. Steive rolls to the floor so Abyss follows him and hurts him some more. Abyss throws Stevie in the ring and follows that up by throwing in some cans o’ plundah. One of the cans lands flush on Stevie’s face. Stevie retrieves a chair and throws it right into Abyss’s face as Abyss charges. Shots with a hockey stick by the Doctor, then Stevie goes to the knee. Abyss kicks him off but Stevie comes right back at him by standing on his head in the corner. Stevie sets for a tornado DDT…he gets pushed off! SHOCK TREATMENT! 1…2…3!

Winner: Abyss via pinfall (Shock Treatment)

Post-match, Stevie jumps Abyss and canes him, then chokes him with a kendo stick. Foley’s music hits and he comes out giving Stevie the thumbs up, which of course means he’s about to nail Stevie. Yup, there it is. Abyss is confused as Foley leaves.

Back from break and JB is looking for Foley. JB asks why Foley did that, and Foley has no comment. It’s between him and Abyss. Then he channels Baron von Rascke (as Tenay steals my line, bastard) and walks off.

Rhino vs Matt Morgan

Rhino gets some early shots but goes down to a shoulder block. Morgan jumps on his back as Rhino’s neck is over the top, but Rhino knocks Morgan off the apron to the rail. Rhino follows him out and attacks on the floor, then rolls him back in and continues the beating. Rhino stomps and punches away at Morgan in the corner. Rhino charges into a back elbow by Morgan, hits a splash in the corner and then connects with the side slam drop. Chokeslam attempt by Morgan is blocked, Rhino locks him up and hits the belly to belly. CARBON FOOTPRINT! Raven waited too long and paid for it.

Winner: Matt Morgan via pinfall (Carbon Footprint)

Rhino attacks after the bell! He hits another belly to belly and connects with the Gore! He sets for another one, but Hernandez is out for the save!

Daniels approaches Joe and tells him to stop playing games. Daniels says Joe knows that he wouldn’t do that, and Joe says no he doesn’t. Joe stirs the pot some more as we go to break.

Don West runs down the house shows when Homicide interrupts him to get himself a title shot…then steals his money.

JB is with Kurt Angle. Angle is pissed because Wolfe took shortcuts, and he is going to send him back where he came from. JB thinks that Angle should be worried, maybe Wolfe is working for someone that wants Angle gone. Kurt calls him paranoid.

Lauren is backstage where AJ is being tended to by paramedics. Lauren tries, and fails, to sound worried.

As we come back from break there’s an ambulance leaving as Lauren tells us that AJ is being kept in hospital for observation.

Street Fight – Kurt Angle vs Desmonde Wolfe

For those who will care, Wolfe gets in the ring like a normal person and not like he did in RoH.

Angle jumps Wolfe at the bell and takes him to the turnbuckle. A European and a series of stomps in a corner. Wolfe blocks a German and hits a series of forearms and a back elbow. Wolfe takes Angle to the turnbuckle but Angle fights back with rights and a clothesline sending Wolfe to the floor! Angle follows and takes Wolfe to the steel steps, then continues the beating. Angle rolls Wolfe back in but he bounces himself off the bottom rope and connects with a back elbow. Back in the ring, Wolfe hits a stiff forearm and a European. Wolfe slaps Kurt and trash talks him, which revieves Angle! Wolfe quickly ends the comeback with an arm ringer and a tank on the arm. Jawbreaker lariat misses! GERMAN! GERMAN! GERMAN release! Tenay tells us that Sabin is OK. Angle turns around right into a SICK lariat from Wolfe! Where are the weapons? This is a street fight! The ref checks on Angle and says the match is over becasue Kurt can’t move. Wolfe ignores him and rolls Angle onto his back, then trash talks him some. He says he will end Angle’s career as we go to break!

Winner: Desmond Wolfe via referee stoppage (Lariat)

Back from break and they are taking Angle out on a stretcher. They show replays of the lariat, and in that one clip they have established Wolfe’s lariat as a move to be feared.

We move to the Hogan press release. It’s basically nothing but a Hogan blowjob. He confirms that TNA approached him, and that he will be back in the ring. And we end with Hogan doing his trademark “Whatcha gonna do?”