411’s TNA Impact Report 11.12.09

Hey yo. Let see what everyone’s favourite Florida promotion has for is this week, shall we?

Are they still frigging talking about Hogan signing? Dude hasn’t even shown up on air yet. Anyway, JB and Foley are with Super Dave Osborne in Foley’s office. Osborne says how great Foley was on the show and they plug his upcoming specials on Spike. Foley tells Osborne that he can book one match, no title matches, because he only got one skit on the Super Dave Spike-tacular. Foley leaves and Lethal comes in to talk about the Invitational. Lethal wants to know Who his opponent is. Yes, that’s correct. JB wants to know if Super Dave follows his tweets, and Super Dave buries Twitter, social media and technology in general.

Foley is now at ringside, presumably to commentate. Yes, yes he is. Foley claims he was not informed of the Hogan signing because it was announced by email and he’s not technologically inclined.

Abyss vs. Dr. Stevie

Zombie Hot Daffney is out with Stevie, and her arms look like swizzle sticks. DAMN babe, eat a cheeseburger.

Stevie charges Abyss as soon as he enters the ring but unfortunately eats a boot. That gets a quick 2 count. If Stevie gets pinned here, he has to leave TNA. Abyss misses a charge but then avoids a Stevie charge and gets a schoolboy for 2. Shock Treatment is countered with an eye rake and Stevie goes to the legs, then drops a pair of elbows for a 2 count. Steviekick connects! 1…2…no. GOOZLE! Stevie kicks his way free and hits the ropes BLACK HOLE SLAM! 1…2…LIGHTS GO OUT! What the hell? The lights come back up and Abyss is laid out, Stevie crawls over and gets the cover! 1…2…3?

Winner: Dr. Stevie via pinfall (attack under cover of darkness)
Rating: *

Post-match Stevie goes to attack Abyss with a chair but Foley saves him and beats down the evil doctor, lights go out again! FIREBALL! The lights go up and…RAVEN! Evenflow to Foley! Raven poses and from the looks of it, he’s been eating Daffney’s cheeseburgers.

JB is with the whackjobs and says he’s here to stay, and he brought the pain. Raven says that last time Foley got in Raven’s way, Terry Funk got burned up pretty good. Now it’s his turn. Raven talks about erotically stimulating violence and other things that are all more entertaining than anything I’ve seen on this show in weeks. Find this promo and laugh.

Alissa Flash vs Traci

Heel on heel eh?

Traci gives a clean break which suggests a face turn. Flash goes to work on the arm and hits a shoulderbreaker. Tenay mentions that Traci has been handicapped since birth, then declines to extrapolate. Alissa slams the arm off the mat a few times as Taz says she’s crossing the line Fujiwara armbar applied by Flash and that’ll do it.

Winner: Alissa Flash via submission (Fujiwara armbar)

Traci goes nuts after the match and beats crap out of Flash. The crowd are not happy but Taz and Tenay are trying to say she was right to do it because Alissa crossed the line. Whatever, if she wants to “fight” with a “birth defect” than she has to expect people will go after it. Why am I rationalising a wrestling angle?

Boots which are made for walking head to the ring! Their owner faces Lethal, NEXT!

Jay Lethal vs…Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart

Who is fighting Lethal. Neidhart looks pregnant and old.

Whip and a back drop by Anvil. Lethal avoids a charge and hits a double axehandle from the top. He whips Anvil in but gets caught with a clothesline to level him. Both men are down, Lethal is up first and snaps Anvil’s neck over the rope for 2. Running elbow by Lethal, he tries a crossbody but gets caught in the Anvil Flattener! 1…2…3???? I hope that powerslam didn’t hurt the baby.

Winner: Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart via pinfall (Anvil Flattener)
Rating: *¼

I just saw Jim Neidhart win a singles match in 2009. I want some of whatever Russo is on.

Lauren is with Lashley. They start talking about why Kristal is not there, but they are interrupted by a lackey saying there’s an emergency in the production truck. Steiner is on one of the screens (how he gets an uplink to TNA production is a mystery) and says he is not at the Impact Zone but instead is at Lashley’s hotel. Lashley tears off after him.

Super Dave is with JB talking about Mick’s injury. Dave wants to go see Mick and JB doesn’t want them to leave. Super Dave tells JB to book the best match he can in honour of Mick, and JB instantly thinks X-Division.

The Beautiful People and Awesome KONG~! Vs Taylor Wilde, Sarita, ODB and Tara

DAT AZZ CUBED! I love you cameraman. Wait…what’s this I see? LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! At this time I am contractually obliged to remind you that Kong kills bitches dead. And that I have shot my catchphrase load.

Rayne and Tara to start. Rayne poses but gets taken down with a waistlock. Tag to Wilde who comes off the top with a double axehandle. Wilde goes to work on the arm and tags in Sarita. Wilde powerbombs Sarita onto Rayne and almost kills Sarita in the process. 1…2…Rayne kicks out and gets the tag to Lacey. God, she even looks awkward in a lockup. Whip by Lacey, she misses a clothesline and an elbow but connects with a boot to the gut and a forearm to the back for 2. COMMERCIAL!

We’re back and we get clips of a double-team on Sarita. ODB and Velvet tag in, ODB hits an avalanche on Sky and another on Rayne. BRONCO MUNCHER on Sky! Fallaway slam on Rayne@ ODB poses but turns around into a Lacey clothesline. Tara levels her and then runs into a Kong riht hand. Kong tags herself in, Wilde tries a Thesz Press but Kong just hits a belly bounce. She tries the Awesome Bomb but Wilde slips out the back, however the respite is temporary as Kong catches her and hits the Implant Buster for the win.

Winners: The Beautiful People and Awesome Kong via bitch-killing (Kong on Taylor, Implant Buster)
Rating: *¼

JB and Super Dave are with the X-Division, or some of them anyway. He tries to get them to put their all and everything into a great match for Mick.

My GOD they’re STILL talking about Hogan. Angle is talking him up now.

We’re back to footage of Lashley running through his hotel. He bursts into his room and Kristal is just maxin’ and relxain’, groovin’ all cool when in bursts Steiner to tattoo Lashley with a pipe and…a lamp. Kristal shrieks a lot.

Angle is out. He puts over Matt Morgan and AJ Styles, saying they both took him to the limit. He has respect for them working their way to the top, but he has none for someone coming in off the street and trying to break his neck. He says Wolfe has earned nothing and proved nothing. Wolfe is on the screen saying that he’s not in the Impact Zone to avoid Angle going nuts. He’s not trying to beat Angle, he’s here to hurt him and end his career. He says some more stuff and it becomes clear that the video is pre-taped. It’s part of the story though as Wolfe is stalking Angle…who sees it coming! Angle takes Wolfe down and beats him silly, but misses a chair shot on the outside and EATS a DDT on the floor! The video is playing on loop in the background the whole time. Wolfe measures Angle and CREAMS him with the chair. Another strong segment.

Super Dave is out on commentary for this match. He sounds awful and is clearly not a wrestling fan. How long until he hosts Raw?

The Motor City Machine Guns and Amazing Red vs. Homicide, Sheik Abdul Bashir, and Kiyoshi

The Elite charge at the bell and it boils down to Homicide and Shelley to start. Shelley gets nailed with a clothesline and Homicide tags in Bashir. Whip to the corner by Bashir followed by some stomps and a neckbreaker for two. Kiyoshi tags in and they exchange chops, Kiyoshi goes to the throat to take control. Snap mare and a seated clothesline by Kiyoshi. Shelley gets his feet up to block a charge and knocks Homicide and Bashir off the apron. He tries to make a tag but Kiyoshi hits Sole Food. Homicide retreives the barbed wire bat that he had wrapped in the Puerto Rico flag but is prevented from using it by Security. He beats them up on the way out. Tag to Bashir, Shelley avoids charges from both men then hits a flatliner on Bashir into the turnbuckle. He gets the tag to Red who comes in with a double missile dropkick to Bashir and Kiyoshi! Spin kicks for both men, he gets boots up to block two charges then rolls across the back of Kiyoshi to kick Bashir. Lucha DDT to Kiyoshi! Red FLIES to the outside with a twisting press! Sabin and Shelley hit stereo kicks on Bashir, then Shelley goes up top. Sabin positions Bashir for a neckbreaker…Shelley hits a frog splash with Bashir in neckbreaker position! Nice combo and it will be enough.

Winners: Motor City Machine Guns and Amazing Red via pinfall (Shelley on Bashir, frog splash/neckbreaker combo)
Rating: **3/4

Lauren is with Desmond Wolfe. He is here to replace Angle, he’s followed his career since day 1 and now he’s going to take it. He’s younger, better and healthier than Angle and come the PPV, everyone will bow to his howl. Not a good catchphrase.

We get a recap of Dixie’s address to the troops.

Team 3D and Rhino are out together. Brother Ray talks about what he did last week, and says he wasn’t proud of it but he is glad he made the choide he did. He then apologises to Rhino for doubting him, and he now believes that there is something going on. They’re not going to let that happen though. They call out Matt Morgan and Hernandez, a challenge which is very likely to be answered. Yup, here come the big boys. Ray calls them the golden boys of TNA and mocks them, including calling Hernandez an uneducated Mexican with no green card. Oooooh snap. Hernandez says everything he and Morgan have, they took. And they took it because they can. Ray says they challenged Morgan and Hernandez to a 6-man street fight for the PPV, and wants to know if they have a partner. Morgan says they don’t need one, and they accept as a 3-on-2. The Pope’s music hits and he wants him some of that. So there’s your match boys and girls.

Lauren is with The British Invasion. Lauren mentions that if Beer Money can beat them tonight, they will get a spot in the tag title match on Sunday. Magnus is pissed that their suspension was reduced so they could wrestle tonight. Williams concurs. Eric Young makes standard threats before telling Hogan that they have no problem with him. In fact he was a huge Hogan fan…when he was 3.

JB is with AJ. AJ apologises to Daniels for accusing him of being the attacker. He thinks maybe Daniels is jealous of the title. He talks about Joe’s head games too.

Beer Money vs. The British Invasion

Ahhh, the boozer cruiser. Good times.

Roode and Williams to start. Roode with a pair of clotheslines and a back drop followed by knocking both men to the floor. Williams tries to flee but Magnus points out that if they do that, Beer Money gets a shot at the title. Williams runs back to the ring and gets taken down with a drop toehold. Tag to Storm, we see Big Rob with a chair and Magnus sending him backstage. While that’s happening Roode tags back in and promptly gets tripped by Magnus on the foor. Flying European uppercut by Williams. Tag to Magnus who stomps on Roode then tags in Williams. Double-team necktie by the Invasion and Williams applies a chinlock. Roode fights out but gets his hair yanked to stop that plan in a hurry. Tag to Magnus but Roode kicks a charging Williams and elbows a charging Magnus. Roode hits a double missile dropkick and tags Storm! He hits a neckbreaker on Magnus and a bulldog on Williams, then elevates a charging Magnus up anjd over to the apron. Rope-assisted elevated DDT! Roode comes in and they connect with the double-team suplex. BEER! MONEY! They hit the Edge-o-Matic/clothesline combo! 1…2…no. Magnus has a chair passed to him and wants to use it, but Williams stops him! DWI! 1…2…3!

Winners: Beer Money (Storm on Magnus, DWI)
Rating: **¼

JB is with Morgan, Hernandez and The Pope. Morgan and Hernandez are arguinig over whose ideas it was to bring in Dinero. Morgan says he’s been around the block and he has no reason to trust a street pimp. Pope says when he gives his word, it’s golden. Suuuure.

Lauren is with Daniels. Daniels says he and AJ are still friends, but once the bell rings that doesn’t count. He says that he’d be champ right now if he’d had the support that AJ’s been given. He’s also too smart to buy into anything. Ah, but did he stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night?

Samoa Joe vs. AJ Styles

If this had more than the 5 remaining minutes it would be good. Joe starts by running away from AJ but it doesn’t last as they get back in the ring and AJ nails his swank dropkick. Joe fights back with shots in the corner followed by The Facewash. Powerbomb by Joe, he gets 2 then turns it inro an STF! Transitioned inrto a crossface by Joe, and Styles makes the rop. Jabs now by Joe in the corner but AJ ducks the big blow and fights back with some big shots. Whip reversed, AJ gets an elbow up but gets maradued by a huge clothesline. Powerbomb attempt by Joe but Styles comes out the back and hits a back leg kick, then tries the Styles Clash! Joe gets a back body drop to escape. AJ ducks the clothesline and hits the Pele! AJ goes up top but Daniels is out! He distracts AJ long enough to allow Joe to recover and grab the Kokina Klutch. Good night!

Winner: Samoa Joe via chokeout
Rating: **½

And that’s our show folks!