2 Raw, 2 Furious 12.14.09

Posted by Ryan Byers on 12.15.2009

We're supposed to be wrestling fans here . . . so why does a three hour Raw featuring the Slammies feel like more of a punishment than a reward?

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to 2 Raw, 2 Furious. I am Ryan Byers, and this is 411mania's only real-time television recap, featuring myself and one Mr. Chris Lansdell watching Monday Night Raw together and providing you with our thoughts as soon as they pop out of our heads. This week, we're coming off the debut of WWE's new TLC pay per view, which featured perhaps the most unexpected WWE Title change in recent memory as well as the onset of D-Generation X's first reign as WWE Tag Team Champions.

How will the company book these new champions . . . and who will be the big winners at the now-annual Slammy Awards? Let's take a look . . .



Pre-Show Scuttlebutt

Chris: Evening
Ryan: Hey Hey
Chris: In a word . . . holy shit.
Ryan: Are you still talking about the pay per view, or did I miss something else while I was at work?
Chris: No, the PPV.
Ryan: I have to say that the surprising part for me was not that they put Sheamus over. I always thought in the back of my mind that they MIGHT give him the title, but I assumed that it'd be one of those situations where he technically puts Cena through a table but Cena is up on his feet a minute later begging for a rematch. The surprising part for me was that they did the title change and didn't make it look like a fluke. Sheamus actually BEAT him.
Chris: I dunno, if you see the clip of Sheamus being awarded the belt you can see that he is floundering next to a table. I think they reacted too quickly for the result to be anything other than what they wanted, but I think Sheamus was supposed to go through the table too, and the announcer was supposed to point out that Sheamus was not put through a table, he fell through.
Ryan: If that's what they intended to have happen, I'm glad that it was fucked up.
Chris: That IS an established rule in table matches
Ryan: A "controversial" win wouldn't have done Sheamus any favors.
Chris: It wouldn't have been controversial.
Ryan: It wouldn't have been as clean as what happened.
Chris: No, I agree.
Ryan: Granted, as awesome as that win was, the follow up could take it all away . . . but that's what watching tonight's show is for.
Chris: And how often have we both said that? Follow-up is key.
Ryan: It will also be interesting to see how they get the belt off of Sheamus. On one hand, it seems like he should have a long reign to help establish him as a legit main event player. On the other hand, Wrestlemania is coming up, and he doesn't seem like a guy you want in the title picture come Mania give that, even as well as they've built him up, he's still not that established.
Chris: And I think even when he DOES drop the title, it won't be back to Cena . . . especially if Cena-Taker is the Mania plan. No, I think Sheamus holds the belt until No Way Out.
Ryan: That's a good call . . . an elimination chamber match absolutely could be used to get the belt off him without making him look weak.

Chris: The question then becomes: Who next? Was my prediction of HHH vs HBK for Wrestlemania true? I think if it is true, then HBK does not win the Match of the Year tonight on the Slammys.
Ryan: I almost wonder if they turn Orton face to be Sheamus' next challenger given that they were talking about him like he earned a title shot in the commentary last night . . . though they the question becomes who Orton faces if he's a good guy holding the title headed into Mania. Perhaps Batista wins the Rumble and they do Batista/Orton again, this time with the heel/face roles reversed.
Chris: Is that really a WrestleMania main event in your mind? Besides, if you do that, who holds the SmackDown title going into Mania?
Ryan: Yeah, that is a problem. They really don't have anybody to hold that SD belt right now outside of Taker and Dave.
Chris: Exactly.
Ryan: Punk, Misterio, and Jericho could all work for transitional type reigns, but they're not Mania main event level guys the way they've been treated lately.
Chris: I think that HBK loses MOTY, gets upset, and tells HHH that he wants to make sure he has the MOTY for 2010, and the only way to ensure that is to fight his best friend at Mania, after one of them wins the title.
Ryan: The only problem with that is it makes "having a good match" the focal point of a storyline, and that's not exactly WWE's M.O. . . . focuses too much on the in-ring.
Chris: At Shawn's stage in his career, he's done it all and he only has the cheers of the fans left to accomplish. He wants to have the best match of the year, and the only thing missing from his Taker match was the WWE Title on the line.
Ryan: Well, that and a camera man who could actually catch Taker on his dive.
Chris: Yes, but we're talking kayfabe here. That shifts the focus to a title match AND makes us think Shawn is on his way out.

Ryan: As much as I hate for guys to rush back from injuries, Edge returning in time for Mania would really make this card easier for them to book.
Chris: Oh yes. In fact, I wrote a column on the topic. I've got Batista heading in to Mania as champion. With Raw having the 1-on-1 title match, the normal formula in recent years is to give the other brand a triple threat match. Leading up to Survivor Series there were some hints at a feud between CM Punk and Christian, and I can see those two slotting into the SmackDown title picture. How, you may ask, since Christian is on ECW right now? Well we've seen that Raw's guest hosts have the power to make trades, and 3-way ones at that. Christian could easily be moved as a result, and they could go back to the budding animosity that resulted from Survivor Series.
Ryan: I don't see WWE having enough faith in Christian OR Punk to make them title challengers for Mania. Though, again, we run into the issue of there not being much else to choose from.
Chris: Punk will be in MitB.
Ryan: I almost hope that this is the year that they give up on MITB. It just feels like it's run its course.
Chris: Not until it fails.

Ryan: On a completely random note, have you heard about the return of the Super J Cup?
Chris: Nope.
Ryan: New Japan is bringing it back later this month.
Chris: Any big names announced?
Ryan: It's a pretty good lineup from all over Japan: Liger, Murfuji, Ibushi, Aoki, and Kanemoto are included. There are also a couple of guys like Prince Devitt and Fujita Hayato who people who only follow Japan through ROH and Dragon Gate wouldn't know but who are AWESOME and deserve more love from fans in the United States..
Chris: Sounds like it could be worth a look.
Ryan: YAMATO from Dragon Gate is also on board, which I forgot to mention a second ago.
Chris: Brian Pillman's Asian love child.



Cue the Credits, Followed by Dennis Miller's Slammy Monologue

Chris: Raw?
Ryan: Raw.
Ryan: So did you catch the comment last week in which somebody asked us how we could like the Nickelback open given how repetitive the song is?
Chris: I thought they meant Across the Nation
Ryan: Ah, that's not what I took from it . . . but regardless, the answer is the same: Who listens to the full version of a TV theme song?
Chris: Yeah . . . umm . . . really. Who does that? *hiding my playlist including numerous 80s cartoon themes*

Ryan: Dennis Miller's got notes with him . . . not a great sign.
Chris: He probably doesn't know any names on the roster.
Ryan: Announcing the winner of Breakout Wrestler of the Year: CARRIE KINGMAN!

Chris: Oh wow . . . Nancy Pelosi is Vickie Guerrero!
Ryan: Please don't tell me we're going to have to put up with Miller's Neo-Con BS all night.
Chris: He is in a red state, of course.
Ryan: Regardless of the color of state, he'll get support at a wrestling show.

Ryan: That global warming joke just went over the entire crowd's head.
Chris: Dennis Miller certainly seems like a strange choice to host a wrestling show . . . he's too intellectual for the live crowd. Who next, Ben Stein? Bill Maher?
Ryan: Doris Kerns Goodwin. She could book a "Team of Rivals" Battle Bowl tournament.
Chris: *whoosh*



Read a Book, People

R-Truth & Jillian Hall Present Tag Team of the Year to Chris Jericho & The Big Show

Chris: So let me clarify this . . . four nominees for tag team of the year, and only one of them has a title reign of over 24 hours.
Ryan: Correct. But the right team won, so who cares at the end of the day?
Chris: It's hard to argue with that decision.
Ryan: Plus it plays into a tag title rematch if that's where they want to go.
Chris: It is easy to argue with King saying they must have voted before last night. It's not like one loss would have made all the difference.
Ryan: It is odd that they've not mentioned the fact that Jericho, at least in theory, can no longer appear on Raw.
Chris: Well, tonight he can, and if they win the rematch . . .

PPV Recap Footage is Shown

Ryan: That was some good heat from the crowd on seeing the still of Sheamus with the belt on the 'Tron.
Chris: As long as it was legit.
Ryan: Fair enough . . . but, if it was piped in, they did a really smart job of it, because it wasn't HUGE like you'd expect for the live appearance of a heel . . . it was just a good reaction for a still photo.
Chris: Oh, I don't think it was piped, but I won't put anything past them.
Ryan: And you shouldn't . . . none of us should. Really, though, people talk about piping in heat like it's a bad thing, but I don't think that it's a problem if you can do it in a way that doesn't look completely fake.

William Regal, Ezekiel Jackson, & Vladimir Kozlov vs. Christian Cage, Kane, & The Great Khali

Chris: Man, I miss Kozlov. He had soo much potential, and he was so badly used.
Ryan: Remember when he put that potential to use by having one of the worst WWE Title matches in history at the Survivor Series last year?
Chris: No, I thought it was okay . . . but, then again, I'm biased. It's like you with Carlito, but in reverse.

(Kane & Khali are announced as Christian's partners.)

Ryan: Oh boy. This is where JR would throw in his bowling shoe reference.
Chris: Did someone want to tell Striker that Kane was in See No Evil and not The Hills Have Eyes?
Ryan: Given that it's Striker and not somebody else, I have a feeling that he knew that.

Chris: Is anyone (except for me) really crying out for Zeke. vs Kozlov?
Ryan: It's not something that fans have been salivating for, but, really, what else does ECW have in terms of feuds at this point?

Winners: Khali, Kane, & Kage . . . er . . . Cage via pinfall (Khali Chop on Kozlov)
Ryan: Well, this wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been. First of all, they kept it form being too horribly offensive by keeping it short. They went a step further than that, though, as they made sure that the big men were not in the ring against each other for extended periods of time. When Kane and Zeke, Kane and Kozlov, Khali and Zeke, or Khali and Zeke were exchanging offense, it was very limited, and anything complex involving the superheavyweights saw Regal or Christian taking their offense. As a result, what could have been a contender for worst match of the year wound up being a completely inoffensive three minute tag team match. *

Teddy Long & Tiffany Present Breaking Star of the Year to Sheamus

Chris: Oh, god, Dennis still has notes . . . and they couldn't have gone with a rostrum on the podium or at least something not made of glass?
Ryan: Shhh . . Tiffany is talking. You don't want to break her concentration. I swear, there's not a person in wrestling who has to try hardy at acting than she does.
Chris: I wouldn't mind breaking the straps on her dress.
Ryan: Well, that's pretty shameless . . . not to be confused with Sheamus, who should walk away with this award. And, seriously, ABE WASHINGTON nominated in this category?

Chris: We've got the correct result again.
Ryan: Absolutely.
Ryan: "I suppose you people take me seriously now!" says Sheamus. Mike Bauer doesn't, Sheamus. Mike Bauer doesn't.
Chris: lol
Ryan: What the hell did he do to himself over his right armpit?
Chris: It looks like rope burn.
Ryan: That's a weird place for it.
Chris: Depends. He may have dropped down on the rope awkwardly. That or he's allergic to Old Spice
Ryan: There's a gimmick that I don't think has been done before . . . a wrestler with some sort of allergy that can be used against him.
Chris: Sounds like something we should have seen being exploited by Duke Droese or Max Moon.
Ryan: Absolutely. Though there was an old school wrestler – The Mongolian Stomper I think – who did a gimmick in which he had an inner ear problem, with the idea being that, if the crowd booed him loudly enough, it could throw him off balance in his matches and give the babyface an advantage. Nobody would buy that today, but I thought it was pretty creative when I saw it in play.
Chris: That *is* creative, but it requires too much thinking to work these days. Most fans don't want thnking in their wrestling. Casual fans, anyway.


The Mongolian Stomper

Kofi Kingston vs. Cody Rhodes

Ryan: When did the word "tournament" get unbanned by the way? Cole has been using it all night, but over the past couple of years they've always had to refer to them as a "Chase for the Championship," "One Night Elimination Challenge" or some bullshit like that.
Chris: I never noticed they were using it tonight, but you're right. Well now! What next, commentators calling moves?
Ryan: Let's not go crazy . . . though it's interesting to see Matt Striker pull out the old Chris Candido "No Gimmicks Needed" gimmick for Cody Rhodes.

(Ted DiBiase runs in immediately for the DQ, Evan Bourne runs out for the save.)

Chris: Now there's a team . . . Kofi and Bourne . . .
Ryan: Have they not done that before?
Chris: I don't think so, and if it gets Bourne out of jobber hell, it's that much better.
Ryan: I stand by my assertion from prior weeks that I'd be sad to see Bourne move up from jobber status just because he's so great at it.
Chris: I think if you at least give him a few wins, he can still job when required while not looking pointless.

(The match is restarted as . . .)

Kofi Kingston & Evan Bourne vs. Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase, Jr.

Ryan: Okay, I'll admit it, I laughed at Dennis Miller proclaiming himself Slammy Winner for "Best Guest Host Announcement that a Match that Ended in Disqualification has been Restarted as a Tag Team Match" . . . because, really, if we checked our archives we could probably find enough instances of that happening to come up with four or five nominees.
Chris: I think what topped it off was telling Piven and Sharpton to suck it.

Ryan: I do think it'll be interesting to see how they book Evan Bourne tonight given that he just got squashed by Legacy last week. Why should he be competitive with them now? Is an injured Kofi really that much better of a partner than a healthy Primo?
Chris: Maybe he's just having a better night tonight.
Ryan: . . . or he could just get squashed by them again.

Ryan: That was probably the best bump I've ever seen anybody take for that lame roll of the dice move, though.
Chris: I *love* that move. It's tough to execute properly, though.
Ryan: Even when Chris Daniels popularized it the first time around, I never thought that it looked as effective as several other moves that can be done from the exact same setup position. It's just too contrived. Why do you have to flip the guy around? Just dump him on his head and be done with it if you're going to be in that position.

Chris: Regardless, why would they put Kofi in a tag team match, have him on the losing team, and not have him involved in the decision when he has a hot feud going on with Orton?
Ryan: HAD a hot feud going on with Orton. I'm pretty sure that it just ended last night.
Chris: They'd be insane to end it there. It's the best-booked feud on Raw and the hottest one to boot.
Ryan: They had a series of three matches and one guy won the last match of the series decisively. Where do you go from there?
Chris: They do a gimmick match.

Winners: Legacy via pinfall (Rhodes rolls the dice on Bourne)
Ryan: As Chris alluded to, there was really no point to this match. It started out with Cody Rhodes seemingly poised to squash Kingston, only to have DiBiase run in at the first second Kofi showed any fire. Then the match was – again for seemingly no reason – restarted as a tag team match. One would think that if the match were getting restarted, it would get restarted as a competitive match, but it just went from being a singles squash to a tag team squash. There was no reason to do the angle except to kill time, as Rhodes pinning Bourne clean in the middle of the ring in a five minute match would have accomplished exactly the same thing. Oh well, at least there were some pretty highspots thrown in there for the hell of it. *

Santino Marella & Vickie Guerrero Present Surprise of the Year to CM Punk for Ending Jeff Hardy's Career

Chris: And here we have the funniest part of the show.
Ryan: It's like I'm a broken record, but I'll say it again anyway: Great heat for Vickie.
Chris: Certain things should just be taken as fact: Vickie getting great heat, Santino being hilarious, Hornswaggle sucking.
Ryan: It was weird to see Punk not get a speech there. I figured the whole reason they gave him the prize was to build in a promo selling the Hardy DVD.
Chris: Maybe that happens after he beats an injured Cena?
Ryan: Nah. I sincerely doubt that we're going to see Cena put over Punk twenty-four hours after Sheamus beat him.
Chris: Even with Sheamus-ference? No way they do Cena-Taker on Raw, and can you see Taker putting over Orton?
Ryan: I could see them BOOKING Cena-Taker for tonight but then not going through with it for some reason as an early tease for the WM match.
Chris: Then how do they blow off the tournament? Have Sheamus attack Cena backstage?
Ryan: There's no clear-cut Superstar of the Year but it doesn't get followed up on for a while because UT is too busy with Dave and Cena is too busy with Sheamus . . . then they hook up again at Mania.

John Cena vs. CM Punk in a first round Superstar of the Year tournament match

(Cena makes Punk tap out almost immediately with the STF.)

Chris: Oh dear God.
Ryan: So, Punk beating an injured Cena, eh?
Chris: Who did Punk piss off?
Ryan: Nobody, I'd imagine. He's just a midcarder right now. The guy feuding with R-Truth doesn't need to be going toe-to-toe with John Cena.
Chris: Look, he can lose to Cena, no question. He can lose clean to Cena, no question. He just got SQUASHED by a guy who was in a table match last night. It's ridiculous. What will it mean now when Truth beats him?
Ryan: Nothing . . . just like it wouldn't have meant anything before Cena beat Punk. It wouldn't mean anything because it's clearly not been built as a means of elevating Killings. It's just a time-killer feud for two guys that have nothing better to do.

Winner: John Cena via submission (STF)
Ryan: Unlike Chris, I don't mind the booking of this match at all. In fact, given where they are in their respective careers, John Cena SHOULD be making CM Punk tap out in a matter of seconds. However, I can't exactly rate it highly given that quite literally nothing happened. DUD.

Cena gets on the mic, vows to not lose until his next title reign

Ryan: This is a very solid promo by Cena tonight. I sometimes forget how awesome he can be when they don't script him to do two minutes of obligatory comedy at the start of each promo.
Chris: This kind of syrupy promo is the exact thing that made people sour on Cena.
Ryan: ha, okay then. I think it's awesome.
Chris: Sure, for his character. It fits him to a tee, and he delivered it with genuine emotion. And if you don't care about the boos (and they don't), it's even better.
Ryan: I didn't even hear that many boos this evening.
Chris: No, me either. Of course the people who hate him and hate WWE because he's on it will be watching at home
Ryan: Nothing they do with the guy's character outside of a heel turn is going to appease the people who hate him, so you may as well go full-bore with Cena as he is.
Chris: I agree totally, and even eventually turning him heel will piss the anti-Cena crowd off because he wasn't turned the way they wanted him turned.

Completely Random Banter

Chris: Remember when Punk dressed as Jeff Hardy, and they gave us crowd shots of kids?
Ryan: I do indeed. It ruled.
Chris: This is what the faces of the IWC look like now:



Ryan: To be fair, I didn't look that much better when I was his age.

Triple H Presents Match of the Year to Shawn Michaels & The Undertaker

(Dennis Miller introduces Triple H as "The Show" and not "The Game.")

Chris: HHH is the Show now?
Ryan: He's not the Big Show. He's just the Show. Hornswoggle is the Small Show.

(The awarded is handed out.)

Chris: How come Taker doesn't come out to accept the award too?
Ryan: He probably veto'ed it for the same reason that he doesn't do things like the Flair tribute on camera . . . doesn't think it's good for his character.

(HBK makes a big challenge to the Dead Man.)

Chris: Well now . . . HBK-Taker III?
Ryan: Interesting.
Chris: I don't want to see that. It can't top what they did this year, so it would be a letdown.
Ryan: On one hand, that was my gut reaction as well. On the other hand, if anybody can, it would be these two.
Chris: Would you rather that and Cena-HHH or Cena-Taker and HHH-HBK?
Ryan: I would rather see Cena-Taker than Cena-HBK, but I have no desire to see HHH-HBK after their last feud.
Chris: You didn't like the Last Man Standing match?
Ryan: I liked all of their matches, but I've seen enough of them to last me a lifetime.

Randy Orton vs. The Undertaker in a first round Superstar of the Year tournament match

Chris: WOW . . . I just realized that with these two facing off, the entrances alone will be longer than most Impact matches and probably four times as long as Cena-Punk tonight.
Ryan: It's a renewal of the feud that turned Orton into a star. Well, along with the Foley program.

Chris: What are the chances that all the "reports" of Taker working hurt were, in fact, bullshit?
Ryan: With a career as long as his, he has probably been working hurt every night for the last decade.

Chris: They did a count out. I had a feeling they would do that.
Ryan: And now UT gets his heat back with the one man comeback. Legacy gets eaten, Orton bails . . . or Orton gets chokeslammed, nevermind.

Chris: Oh good, we get Orton vs Cena. There's a fresh new matchup.
Ryan: Well, I guess the silver lining is that they are not giving away something like Cena vs. Taker that should be saved for a bigger show.
Chris: Oh, for sure . . . and given that Punk beating Cena was unlikely, they couldn't do much else. By the way, the intros for that match were two seconds longer than the match.
Ryan: Given the length of those prelim matches, you have to assume that Orton-Cena are going to get to go for a while.

Winner: Randy Orton via count out (RKO on the floor)
Ryan: And the string of short, not particularly impressive matches continues. I'm in favor of a guy like Undertaker taking it easy at this stage of his career and not giving away any epic performances on free television where they're not drawing money, but, when he does that on a show like this one after ninety minutes without a bout that is impressive in any way, shape, or form, it starts to be just a little bit grating. *1/2

Are we there yet?

Chris: Hour and a half to go, two announced matches still to come.
Ryan: Well, we have not seen the women yet, and we still have more Slammies to go.
Chris: Plus, needs more Sheamus.
Ryan: You've got to do something with the Masters-Chavo-Horny comedy troupe.

Vince Make Man Presents Raw Guest Host of the Year to Bob Barker

Ryan: "I had a vision to have a guest host," Vince McMahon says. YOU LIE! It was all Donald Trump's idea!
Chris: How dare he claim responsibility for something he didn't do!
Ryan: This is the first time in his lifetime that he has done that!

Chris: Shaq needs to win this.
Ryan: Barker is my sentimental favorite . . . AND HE WINS~!
Chris: Not a horrible choice.
Ryan: How much do you want to bet that the winner here was determined by who they could get to do an acceptance speech?
Chris: Nah, Shaq would have done one.

Dennis Miller Campaigns for a Guest Host Spot for . . . Bret Hart?!

Chris: Oh wow, Miller wants Bret! And so do the fans!
Ryan: Now the question: Is this building to something, or is it just Vince screwing with people because he can?
Chris: Or was that a shoot?
Ryan: I sincerely doubt it was a shoot. I think it was designed to get people to ask whether it was a shoot.
Chris: It might happen. Maybe Bret wanted to see how a US crowd would react, especially a Texas one.
Ryan: Knowing what we do about Vince McMahon, would we really expect him to act as passively as he did if somebody like Miller hijacked his TV show, in a segment with him on camera no less? I'd expect to see Vince throwing some verbal bombs, if not a physical one.
Chris: Verbal bombs against Dennis Miller? Risky, unless you cut his mic. Then you look churlish. But it's all moot, neither man is that unprofessional.
Ryan: McMahon isn't unprofessional? I'm not saying that he's off the handle all the time, but go back and watch his interview with Bob Costas from a few years ago if you don't think he's capable of going off on somebody on camera when he thinks he's getting a raw deal.
Chris: That was a bit more drastic, though.

Dennis Miller Meets with Chris Jericho Backstage

Chris: I have been waiting for this interaction.
Ryan: I can't say that it went anywhere . . . but they both performed decently enough given what they had to work with.
Chris: I was expecting more big words. I am disappointed.
Ryan: Really, the gag should have been Miller knowing more big words than Jericho and/or Miller pointing out that all Jericho does is re-use the same three big words every week in an attempt to sound smarter than the fans.
Chris: Pretty much what I was hoping for.

D-Generation X (c) vs. Chris Jericho & The Big Show for the WWE Tag Team Titles

Ryan: So apparently muchkin court is finally back on for next week.
Chris: Words cannot describe my indifference. I can hardly contain my nonchalance.

(Before the teams even lay a hand on one another, DX shoves the referee to lose by DQ.)

Chris: What the HELL was that?
Ryan: Pre-match comedy. Surely they do a restart after that.
Chris: They pretty much have to, don't they? Really? Please?
Ryan: That or Jericho and Show lay them the f out right now.

Ryan: . . . or Jericho just gets humiliated for no good reason.

(Various wrestlers appear in DX attire to aid in tossing Jericho.)

Chris: FINLAY IN A BALL CAP.
Ryan: Okay, yes, this may be worth it for Finlay in DX gear and Christian throwing the world's most awkward crotch chops.
Chris: Shelton's lime green headband clashes with his highlights.
Chris: Memories of the Mountie at SummerSlam after losing to the Boss Man.
Ryan: Memories of the Mountie losing to the Bossman except there was no implied sodomy in this angle.

Ryan: In all seriousness, though, if they actually get rid of Jericho here he will be sorely missed. He has been the MVP of Raw all year in my book.
Chris: Oh clearly. He's been great everywhere, but he is desperately needed on SD in singles.

Carlito Colon, Chris Masters, & Eve Torres Present Extreme Moment of the Year to Jeff Hardy Jumping off a Ladder for the 5,000th Time

Ryan: Wow, Masters and Carlito together again . . . a reunion of one of my least favorite tag teams of all time.
Chris: Show has to win this award for putting Cean through the spotlight.
Ryan: I would actually give it to Kofi as a consolation prize for losing last night.

Ryan: Or THIS is where they sell the DVDs by putting over Jeff.
Chris: It's hard to argue with that call too.
Ryan: Any of the nominees aside from the home invasion were justified.

(Matt Hardy accepts on Jeff's behalf . . . and then Carlito tries to steal the award.)

Chris: Ahhh, the old Owen Hart trophy-stealing gimmick.



Ryan: Except when Owen did it, it set up a great gimmick for him to play off of as a heel. Here it appears to be setting up a Carlito versus Chris Masters match for next week which will suck and be forgotten ten minutes after it ends.

Chris: The Hardy-Carlito-Masters melee was "more like the Source Awards"? We had to go there, Matt Striker?
Ryan: That's a reference which went over my head, honestly.
Chris: It's a hip-hop magazine.
Ryan: Are their award shows notoriously unruly, or does Striker's joke have its roots in something more ugly?
Chris: I've not heard of a history of violence at said awards.
Ryan: I see.

The Marine 2 Trailer Airs
Ryan: So about this Marine 2 trailer . . .
Chris: I've seen worse.
Ryan: Based on what I'm picking up on here, the people who are trying to preserve their indigenous culture are THE HEELS. Something about that doesn't sit quite right with me.
Chris: Ends don't justify the means, I guess.
Ryan: That is one way they could spin it.
Chris: Like Muslims and extremist Muslims.

Mike the Miz, Zack Ryder, & Drew McIntyre vs. John Morrison, Yoshi Tatsu, & Mark Henry

Ryan: Here's a question I don't get to ask recapping Raw instead of ECW every week: What does Zach Ryder's gimmick have to do with a radio?
Chris: I have no idea, we don't get ECW til 3am Friday. Even I am in bed by then.

Ryan: "Disturbingly seuctive" says Matt Striker of Morrison. Not a tag line I would use for him, but, hey, whatever floats your boat there Matty.

Chris: I was loving the potential of this match until Henry came out.
Ryan: But somebody's gonna get his wig split!

Ryan: Finish prediction: McIntyre pins Tatsu.
Chris: Henry pins Miz

Ryan: It's always weird to see Morrison do a standing shooting star press, one of the most spectacular moves that anybody in WWE does, as a near-meaningless spot in the opening minute of a match. That's the one problem I have with how he puts together his matches. He's good enough at the basics that he can save the big stuff for when it matters.
Chris: I think the thing with Morrison is that he DOES make usually impossible stuff look easy. It's as if wrestling is all too easy for him, and then when he gets the big time matches (like at Mania this year) his extra gear is something to behold.
Ryan: I hope that Morrison is booked for Mania 26 and gets bumped againf or Kid Rock, setting up a match between the two at Mania 27.
Chris: I'd pay money to see that NOW, as a shoot.

(Tatsu pins Ryder out of nowhere.)

Ryan: And what was THAT finish?
Chris: "Look how awesome ECW is!"
Ryan: I suppose there's some value in conditioning fans to think that a match can end at any given time, but you'd think they'd use that six man to further some kind of feud . . . Miz/Henry, Drew/Morrison, SOMETHING.

Winner: Morrison, Tatus, & Henry via pinfall (Tatus high kick on Ryder)
Ryan: This continued the evening's trend of matches that were good while they lasted but didn't last long. All the wrestlers looked perfectly competent, and, since they were only in the ring for a couple of minutes, I can't say anything more or anything less than that. *

Seven Babyface Women vs. Seven Heel Women

Chris: They're gonna wrestle in THAT?
Ryan: Well, they used to do evening gown matches all the time, so it's possible. It won't be GOOD, but it's possible.
Chris: Sure, but then the aim was to REMOVE the dress. Also, Layla is hot.
Ryan: ha, Layla fails at getting into the ring . . . whether intentional or not, that was amusing. She'd be the odds on favorite to lose if they ever get around to doing that divas reverse battle royale.

Ryan: Okay, fourteen women in the ring and we start with ROSA MENDES. I know that by virtue of the women's attire that this match already isn't being taken seriously, but, really? Rosa?
Chris: That way they can finish it right away.
Ryan: What is the point of even booking a match like that?
Chris: Seriously, why the hell would you trot out 12 other women to do THAT?

Winner: Babyface Women via pinfall (James DDT on Mendes)
Ryan: DUD.

MVP & Goldust Present Diva of the Year to Maria Kanellis

Chris: THIS TAG TEAM MUST HAPPEN.
Ryan: Okay, forget Mark Henry. I DEMAND that MVP and Goldust become a tag team. IMMEDIATELY.
Chris: HA!

Chris: I think the "Santina" chant from the crowd is even better.
Ryan: Maria?
Chris: This is what happens when you let people vote.

(Dave Batista interrupts Maria's acceptance speech wearing a hideous pink polo shirt and oddly-dressed security escorts him out.)

Ryan: Why are those park rangers cutting off Batista? The Slammies are not taking place in Jellystone. They are out of their jurisdiction.
Chris: Maybe he stole a picnic basket?

Chris: and why is he wearing pink?
Ryan: No clue why Batista was wearing pink. It's definitely not his color.
Chris: You go tell him. I'll wait here
Ryan: And why would he interrupt Maria? Are they setting up kind of Maria-Batista feud?
Chris: To be Kanye West.
Ryan: The "George Bush doesn't care about black people" guy?
Chris: The "interrupt Taylor Swift" guy.
Ryan: Wait, Kanye West was in TNA? How did I miss that? Why did they waste somebody like him in an angle with half of the former Shantelle Taylor? Wouldn't they use him with a star of some kind?
Chris: Ummm . . . Russo booked it?
Ryan: Fair enough.

Abraham Washington, Tony Atlas, & Big Dick Johnson Present "Oh My" Moment of the Year to Michael Cole Vomiting

Chris: MY EYES!
Ryan: I think I asked this a few months ago, but it's been long enough that I have to ask it again: What is the kayfabe explanation for Dick Johnson appearing at all of these WWE events?
Chris: He's on the Raw Superstars page.
Ryan: And what is his role, exactly, in storyline terms?
Chris: Grossing people out.
Ryan: So the gimmick is that WWE keeps a guy on its payroll just to make its roster uncomfortable from time to time?
Chris: Overthinking!

Ryan: By the way, I think we're ready to see a bunch of Christian groups boycotting WWE.
Chris: Does that mean Hubbard will have to quit writing for our site?
Ryan: They took the "God" out of "Oh My God." That's like taking the "Christ" out of "Christmas."

Chris: I think Cole just started a feud with Jim Ross with his acceptance speech.
Ryan: Or he just did a bunch of "jokes" that JR's expense that Vince McMahon thought were hilarious.
Chris: I've said it before, but it bears repeating: I honestly think Vince sits in the back laughing uproariously at these segments, with a bunch of brown-nosers laughing along while they privately question his sanity. When the ratings come out, he rants and raves on the idiots who don't know funny.
Ryan: I was listening to an interview with Kevin Kelly recently on 57talk.com, and he actually gave some inisght into Vince McMahon's humor. He said that, one night, Vince came into a meeting and said that he had just seen the "funniest movie of all time."
Chris: Dude, Where's my Car?
Ryan: And, completely deadpan serious, Vince McMahon declared KINGPIN to the greatest comedy in the history of American cinema.

HBK & HHH Sell Their Latest Merch

Chris: Oh dear God.
Ryan: DX. SNUGGIE. That is the new "Oh My" moment of the year.
Chris: The world has just stopped. There is nothing that these two will not pimp.
Ryan: Remember when this group was anti-authoritarian as opposed to just being a couple of schills?
Chris: Remember when midgets were never seen on WWE TV?
Ryan: Actually, I can honestly say no in response to that question. I would be hard pressed to think of a period of time in the company's history where there wasn't at least one show a year with a midget on it.
Chris: One a year I can handle.
Ryan: They don't make 'em like the Haiti Kid anymore.

Are We There Yet?

Chris: This show has dragged a lot more than the last three hour Raw.
Ryan: It's dragged because nothing has happened. There's not been a match that's gone on for more than five minutes, there's been nothing that has built on any of the storylines coming out of last night's PPV, and there's been nothing setting up new programs for the Royal Rumble. They're literally just doing an entire show of filler.
Chris: Which, coming off a fairly good PPV, seems strange.
Ryan: It's not that strange when you realize that there are seven weeks between now and the Rumble and that they apparently no longer believe in long-term build. I wouldn't be surprised if next week is all filler too.
Chris: Well, over Christmas they won't want to do too much that is significant.
Ryan: No . . . but with Christmas on a Friday, I doubt the holidays will do too much to their viewership next week, and people will probably be back to their regular schedules by the Monday after that.

Randy Orton vs. John Cena in the finals of the Superstar of the Year tournament

Ryan: So, unless we get an uncharacteristically long overrun, the "Superstar of the Year" award will also be determined in a three minute match.
Chris: We can go eight with two minutes of celebrating.
Ryan: The Cena fem force is in full effect tonight. That's the only semi-noteworth thing about this match . . . dullsville.
Chris: Absolutely, and, against Orton, the boos are normally less noticeable anyway.

Ryan: Random news story: Forget TNA, UFC is going head-to-head with Raw on January 11.
Chris: Bad couple of weeks for WWE.
Ryan: I honestly wouldn't be surprised if TNA doesn't hurt Raw's rating at all and does less than 1.0. UFC with the right matches, though, I could see taking some of Raw's audience.
Chris: More on this in my column tomorrow, but I will be shocked if TNA doesn't pull at least a 1.3

Ryan: Good spot there by Cena with the schoolboy off of the duck-under of Orton's fist. Probably the first thing I've seen here that has stood out from the 5,000 other matches these two have had . . . and when a SCHOOLBOY is the highlight of your match . . .
Chris: It's getting increasingly hard to innovate in wrestling if you're not ahigh-flyer or if you've fought forty-one times before, but the fans react to the same spots, so they keep doing them.
Ryan: Indeed. If the masses aren't tired of it, there's no need to change. They're not wrestling these matches for you or me.
Chris: No, ROH and to a lesser extent TNA are doing that.

Chris: OK *that* was a new spot. A hangman's DDT on the floor . . . nice little wrinkle.
Ryan: I was afraid that they were going to do a double count out there, what with the "Orton hit his head too" bit.
Chris: Thus subjecting us to ANOTHER Cena-Orton match. Not that they are bad, I've just seen more than enough of them.

Winner: John Cena via pinfall (FU)
Ryan: There was absolutely nothing in this match to break the trend of the evening . . . short, uninspired matches that aren't technically bad but blend together to the point that they all feel like they rolled off of an assembly line. Though it was probably the best match on the show, there wasn't a single thing here that made the bout feel like one that should ACTUALLY result in one of the two competitors being named the most valuable player in the world's largest wrestling promotion. *3/4

(Sheamus walks out, poses.)

Ryan: And, based on the closing moments of the show, they're apparently keeping Cena-Sheamus alive. It's not that surprising, but it's good to have the confirmation.
Chris: Can't say I mind that. It's not like the roster is flush with options on either side.
Ryan: No. I don't think they need to have Cena take the title back, but that program does have more legs.

To Sum It All Up

Chris: I almost want to shake them and say look WWE, we get it. You've shown that you can take a lower-card rookie and turn him into your flagship show's champion in a month. Congratulations, you did a good job, and only half the Internet hates you for it. But just because you CAN do something doesn't mean you SHOULD. For example, I CAN go online tomorrow and buy 11 CZW and 10 IWA-MS DVDs and review them over the course of 3 weeks . . . but I won't. You have 7 weeks until the Rumble . . . USE ALL SEVEN. Don't give us 3 weeks of shit and then cram your build into a month like you normally do. Why not stretch it a bit? Are you writers afflicted with ADD like you think the viewers are?

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Ciao!