2 Raw, 2 Furious 12.28.09

Posted by Ryan Byers on 12.29.2009

The table is set for Bret on this surprisingly hijynx-free episode of Raw.

Welcome, one and all, to 2 Raw, 2 Furious, 411mania's live, almost-weekly, real-time review of Monday night Raw, hosted by myself and one Mr. Chris Lansdell. This week, WWE promised us in advance of the show that Vince McMahon would appear in order to address so-called rumors that Bret Hart would be returning to World Wresting Entertainment. We were also told that we would be seeing a WWE Title match between John Cena and Sheamus, which was certainly odd given that Cena had previously vowed to not lose a match until he regained his championship, meaning that he essentially had a winning streak gimmick that lasted all of two weeks.

All of this is coming on what may have been one of the worst episodes of Monday Night Raw in recorded history thanks to Little People's Court and Johnny Damon's Secret Santas. Will WWE manage to turn things around as they gear up for their major ratings war when they go head-to-head against UFC on January 11? Let's take a look . . .



Pre-Show Scuttlebutt

Chris: I'm fairly stoked for January 4.
Ryan: I'm still having a hard time seeing it as anything special . . . perhaps the cynic in me is just too strong for my own good.
Chris: Even with Bret on Raw?
Ryan: I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about Bret on Raw. There's part of me who's glad to see it given the potential storyline it sets up.
Chris: Especially if it arcs to Mania.
Ryan: But there's another part of me who feels bad for the guy given that it's the end of his stand against working for Vince McMahon. I don't know if it's the result of him needing money or if it's the result of closure. If it's the former, it's a very sad situation. If it's the latter, I'm cool with it.
Chris: I don't see Bret as the kind to sacrifice his principles. His book is doing well by all accounts, he owns a hockey team, he has the royatlies from DVD sales . . .
Ryan: Does he still own the hockey team? Wow, I remember when he bought that thing . . . had to have been fifteen years ago now . . .
Chris: He's got it half and half with Theo Fleury, who played for the Blackhawks.
Ryan: Hopefully you're right about the Hitman not compromising his principles, because the other thing that they probably won't allow for is whatever storyline he's involved in to get dragged down to Hornwsoggle-levels of stupidity.
Chris: Yeah, if he's there just to be there and not because he HAS to be there, he can veto crap.
Ryan: The rumor is that this will lead to one final match for him . . . and, in that case, I do have real concerns about his health and tarnishing his legacy with a stinker. Hopefully he's hidden in some six man tag.
Chris: Harts and Bret vs DX and McMahon. That's the money match.
Ryan: I do think whether it's a money match will depend on how well they explain the history to the fans. There are a lot of people who weren't watching or who were very young when Montreal took place.
Chris: That shouldn't be too hard though, especially with Vince on Raw. Are they in Canada any time soon?
Ryan: No clue off the top of my head . . . surely they're there at least once between now and Mania, though.
Chris: It's not required, but it would add a ton of heat to the story.
Ryan: Indeed. Also, though I usually don't care for wrestling stories where there's no clear-cut heel or face, I think this is one of the rare angles that is begging for that kind of treatment.
Chris: Well, I think the test run of Dennis Miller mentioning Bret in the US was to see if he could be seen as a face in the States.
Ryan: Could well be, but, by the same token, DX is the money feud . . . and I don't see them being turned for fear of hurting merch sales.
Chris: You're probably right.

Chris: So, are we in for a bait and switch tonight?
Ryan: How so?
Chris: Well, Vince is going to "address the Bret Hart rumours"
Ryan: Right. So what would the "bait and switch" be . . . Vince coming on TV and saying that Bret is not coming in?
Chris: Yup.
Ryan: Then why would they have signed him to a contract?
Chris: The theory I have read, with which I do not agree, is that Vince says he isn't coming in, then he does come in.
Ryan: That would be a fine way to let the storyline progress if you're not going to try to use him on January 4.
Chris: I also heard that the contract does not exist and was a leak. People will try and make you believe anything.
Ryan: That doesn't work at all, because the source on the story about Bret signing is most likely Bret himself, given that he's close to Meltzer.



Chris: Hmmm . . . what if Bret DOESN'T guest host on January 4 but just shows up?
Ryan: That is perfectly fine with me.
Chris: And then . . . the Rock hosts. Apart from basically admitting that he fears TNA, would that not be a huge show?
Ryan: That would, in fact, be a huge show. Admission of fear not so much when you consider the fact that it's probably the Rock's schedule and the Rock's schedule alone that dictates when, if t all, he will appear on Raw.

Chris: Raw?
Ryan: Raw.

The Standard Opening Video Package

Chris: I admit it: I bought this song on iTunes.
Ryan: I would make fun of you for giving money to Nickelback, but WWE got me to buy their old Papa Roach song, and I hate that band perhaps more than I hate Nickeback.

Enter John Cena and a Table

Chris: And uh . . . that's a huge table.
Ryan: I do like the idea of Cena doing his promo from the spot from which he lost the title . . . good continuity.

(Cena challenges Sheamus to a tables match.)

Chris: Well, there goes the prediction of half the IWC that this ends in a DQ.
Ryan: They could still find a way to do a non-finish if this winds up being a tables match . . . they put each other through a table simultaneously, somebody runs in, etc. etc.
Chris: Run-ins in table matches have historically not mattered. A draw is the only way I can see to do it. I'd prefer Sheamus to say no, because it's too easy to win by fluke in a tables match, and then pin Cena clean.
Ryan: Well, there's your "no" from Sheamus.
Chris: There's the straight match.
Ryan: And there's your inexplicably, unprovoked attack by the babyface challenger on the heel champion . . . sort of backwards, but the crowd is reacting well.
Chris: Sheamus tried to clothesline him. All Cena did was jump off the top rope. And if you believe that, I have some beachfront property in Baghdad to sell you. Miles of sandy landscape
Ryan: Sandy Beach? I remember him from when I used to recap the UWF on ESPN Classic.
Chris: Ahhh, the UWF.



Backstage Skit with Timberland and Company

Ryan: So is this the guy who owns the boot company?
Chris: I see Gail Kim has been relegated to guest host chaperone duties.
Ryan: Well, they don't have anybody on this brand to carry her in the ring like Amazing Kong did, so you may as well.

Legacy Meets Backstage, Orton Threatens to Disband Them

Chris: I just heard a pop for Orton, and now I'm hearing him dump Legacy.
Ryan: So DiBiase loses to Bourne and Rhodes manages to upset Henry?
Chris: Seems like the smart way to go.
Ryan: I don't like the idea of kicking off DiBiase as a babyface by having him lose, but it does get him out of the group easily enough.
Chris: What about Orton? Does he not have to have a match?
Ryan: He's the one who set this all up, so, no, he doesn't.
Chris: What if Cody costs Ted his match after Ted helps Cody win his? Or what if Ted and Cody go to Timbaland and make Kofi versus Orton for tonight? I am liking the options here.
Ryan: I don't think that you want Cody costing Ted any matches . . . if they actually what DiBiase to come off as a bigger star to push his movie, they need the focus of the angle to be him going up against Orton, not Cody.
Chris: So Ted tries to help Cody and it fails, Cody pleads with Orton, and Orton costs Ted his match . . . because I don't think you want to start Ted's face turn with a clean loss to Evan Bourne.

Chris Jericho is Locked Outside the Arena

Ryan: CHRIS JERICHO IS A CONSPIRACY VICTIM~! Ahhh, there's a lot of nostalgia in that line . . . takes me back to the good old days of thirteen years ago.



Ted DiBiase, Jr. vs. Evan Bourne

Chris: With DiBiase wrestling now, there go all of my scenarios.
Ryan: That happens at an alarmingly high rate when you fantasy book these shows as we watch them.
Chris: Okay, I am gaining respect for this DiBiase.
Ryan: Why's that?
Chris: Doing his own stunts in the Marine 2. His forearm was a mess in that one clip they showed from the filming.
Ryan: There are legitimate actors who lie through their teeth when they say that they've done their own stunts . . . I'm not going to believe that line out of a pro wrestler without a little bit more documentation.

Ryan: JESUS. Bourne basically did a standing SSP as a bump off of DiBiase's clothesline. This is why he is the ultimate jobber.
Chris: He needs to win a couple over Chavo or Calrito, I think, just to prove that he CAN win.
Ryan: I don't know that he needs to beat Carlito or Chavo for that . . . his periodic victories over guys like Swagger have the same effect.

Ryan: OH~! Rare botched spot by Bourne there as he attempted to go into the turnbuckles . . . and boy was it a nasty one. Another half inch off, and that could have been a serious neck injury.

Winner: Ted DiBiase, Jr. via pinfall (cobra clutch slam)
Chris: That match was fun.
Ryan: A nice, rapid fire squash match with one or two token bits of offense for Bourne. It accomplished exactly what it needed to accomplish, and DiBiase's "yeah, you thought I couldn't do it but I WON, fucker" stare at Orton afterwards was - pardon the pun - priceless. *1/2

Chris: So maybe they turn both Legacy guys, having them both win and kicking Orton to the curb . . . although that dilutes the effect of DiBiase's turn.
Ryan: Though I do like it in a way, mainly because I miss the days when teams actually stayed together for more than a handful of years.
Chris: This is great, a story that I can't predict.

Cody Rhodes vs. Mark Henry

Ryan: LOW CROSS BODY BY RHODES~! That's a rare spot that always makes me mark out.
Chris: And it's still a foot higher than his dad could get.
Ryan: And a foot higher than Henry could get for that matter.

Ryan: Henry tweaks his knee off the sitdown splash! Here's our opening for Rhodes to win it.
Chris: He's shown a penchant for submissions before.
Ryan: . . . or he could just go with the old standby, the DDT.
Chris: Why the hell would I buy that as a finisher anymore? Even when Orton does it off the ropes it doesn't finish matches.
Ryan: I think you should buy it as a finisher because it just finished a match.
Chris: You know what I mean. A DDT is a transition move these days. It's like winning with a backbreaker
Ryan: And there's nothing wrong with that. Asking people to buy what is normally a transition move as a FALSE finish is stupid. Asking people to buy what is normally a transition move as a real finish is fine because it was obviously effective given that it won a match.

Winner: Cody Rhodes via pinfall (Cody-DT)
Ryan: There were literally five or so spots in this entire match, so it's not as though it could be an all time classic. However, it certainly served its purpose, giving Rhodes the clean and quick when while leaving Henry with a bit of an out. Out or no out, though, it's odd to think that they brought the World's Strongest Man onto this show with a pinfall win over Randy Orton and now he has lost cleanly to both Cody Rhodes and the Miz within the course of a month. *

DX tape Hornswoggle to a skateboard and roll him into Jillian Hall

Chris: Okay, that Hornswaggle segment was less hideous than usual.
Ryan: We're forty-five minutes into the show and the combined screen time for Hornswoggle and our guest host has been less than five minutes. I am practically in love with this show for that reason alone.
Chris: And there are possibilities with the things they've introduced. I don't know who Big Show's partner will be, I don't know how the title match will work out, and I don't know who (if anyone) turns from Legacy.
Ryan: And we don't know what Shawn will be saying to Vince about Bret. That's the one I'm really looking forward to.

Maryse Ouellet vs. Kelly Kelly

Ryan: You know, I've always found it sort of bizarre that, in wrestling, a handspring elbow is closely associated with a) the Great Muta and b) any lousy WWE Diva who has anything vaguely resembling a gymnastics background. I don't know if you could find two things that are at such different ends of the spectrum.
Chris: Well it's not a hard move to hit if they can do the handspring, and it looks good.



Ryan: Maryse cackling like a witch just made this show ten times better . . . and it wasn't bad to begin with.
Chris: I speak French, and I only caught bits and pieces of that
Chris: But unless it has some slang meaning with which I am not familiar, "petite poupée" means "little doll."
Ryan: Based on the context, I'd assume that it would be similar to calling a grown woman a "little girl" in English.
Chris: That's my assumption, but it doesn't explain Lawler's reaction.
Ryan: I doubt Lawler speaks French. I imagine that he was just going for a cheap "poupee sounds like poopy" gag.

Winner: Maryse Ouellet via pinfall (Poupee Pants DDT)
Ryan: It's a bit odd to see the same finish in two consecutive WWE matches. Usually their agents catch and prevent things like that. Otherwise, this was standard diva-level wrestling with no ungodly horrid screwups. That's more than we can ask for some weeks. 1/2*

Chris Jericho and the Big Show "Break Up"

Chris: Well, this is awkward.
Ryan: I don't know how to say this, but I'd be willing to pay to see a romantic comedy with Jericho and Show cast as the leads.
Chris: Sort of a reprise of Chasing Amy, maybe?



Chris: Oh, and if that wasn't a ticket to Raw in the envelope that Show gave to Jericho, I'll review four hours of Impact on Thursday.

Vince McMahon his the ring to talk Hitman

Ryan: "We want Bret," chant the five guys who are coincidentally sitting right next to a microphone.
Chris: Clearly a coincidence.
Ryan: And McMahon announces Hart's name to . . . polite applause. I'm surprised that he came out and said it instead of doing a twenty minute promo that culminated in the announcement.

(Vince plays a Bret Hart highlight reel.)

Chris: Man, that guitar screech gets me every time. It's second only to Hogan's entrance theme in bringing me back to my mark days.

Chris: Wow. If I'm not mistaken, that's the first time we've seen the Flair/Hart title switch on TV.
Ryan: I don't have any facts to back it up, but my gut feeling is that you're mistaken.
Chris: Well, I certainly haven't seen it before.

Ryan: Now we get our swerve, as Vince says he won't bring Bret back after all.
Chris: That chant is spreading.

(Enter HBK.)

Chris: Serious Shawn would come across much better if he wasn't decked out in DX gear.
Ryan: . . . and he's out to campaign for his rematch with the Undertaker? That's one I didn't expect.
Chris: It doesn't make a lot of sense.
Ryan: Hmm . . . McMahon challenges Michaels to make the rematch with the Undertaker happen. I guess that explains how we get the title off of UT.
Chris: I don't want HBK-Taker again. I really don't.

Chris: Did you ever think you would hear Shawn Michaels ask for Bret Hart to come back to WWE?
Ryan: Stranger things have happened . . . but not many.
Chris: He's going to make Shawn ask Bret for the match at Mania.
Ryan: So Michaels tells Vince that bringing Bret back will allow McMahon to get closure and then promises him that "only good things will happen" if Bret returns . . . it seems like they're foreshadowing the DX/McMahon teamup that has been heavily speculated about online.
Chris: It's gotta be the Hart Dynasty to face them, right? I mean, what else makes sense?
Ryan: On one hand, that does seem to make the most sense. . . but, on the other hand, I don't know why you would have DX go over the Dynasty twice in the last month if that was the plan, unless you want to try to tell the story that the Dynasty drastically improves under Bret's leadership.
Chris: They've only fought once I thought . . . and I think that would be an excellent story, they SHOULD improve under Bret.
Ryan: DX beat them on the November 23 Raw and again this past Friday on Smackdown. The problem is that they have very limited means under which to tell the story that the Dynasty is improving under Bret's guidance. They already go back and forth with everybody at their level, and there aren't that many bigger names it makes sense for them to go over en route to facing DX again.

Kofi, The Miz, and MVP Meet with Timberland

Chris: Poor Kofi. Program with Orton to US Title contender.
Ryan: I hate to say I told you so, but I told you so.
Chris: I like Timbaland. He's doing a great job.
Ryan: He's not bad, but he's also not been called upon to do much.
Chris: He's delivering his lines with personality, though.
Ryan: Indeed. Who'd have thought that a shoe salesman would have it in him?
Chris: Careful . . . the commenters will say you're not hip again!
Ryan: I am fully aware that I am not hip, and I am not ashamed of this.

Sheamus jumps John Cena backstage

Chris: Have we ever seen Sheamus in a shirt . . . or pants, for that matter?
Ryan: Not that I recall. Which is odd, really . . . you'd think that somebody with his complexion would want to cover up more. I imagine him having to wear a giant, floppy sunhat and a moo moo every time he goes out into natural light.
Chris: And SPF 90.

Kofi Kingston vs. The Miz – Kofi earns an immediate US Title shot if he wins

Chris: Ummm...that just happened? Kofi wins in two minutes?
Ryan: Well under two minutes, actually, and now they have to have a second match with the belt on the line.


Winner: Kofi Kingston via pinfall (Trouble in Paradise)
Ryan: Thirty second DUD.

Kofi Kingston vs. The Miz (c) for the WWE United States Championship

Chris: Unless Miz runs to the back.
Ryan: If he tries that, I have a feeling Gail Kim will be there to toss him back into the ring . . . they definitely set that up in the backstage segment.
Chris: I have trouble seeing Gail Kim throwing anyone anywhere.

(Randy Orton pulls the referee out of the ring for the DQ and attacks Kingston.)

Ryan: huh
Chris: Well whaddya know? Maybe the program ISN'T over
Ryan: Sort of a weird way to reignite it if that is, in fact, what they're doing.
Chris: Well, it's either that or they're redoing the Random Kanyon Cutter angle.
Ryan: Do not tease me with that possibility.
Chris: It would be pretty great. I think Ziggler could do a good job with it.
Chris: *WHAM* Hi. I'm Dolph Ziggler
Ryan: Forget Kofi, there's a guy who has really gotten the shaft lately.
Chris: Oh yes, and he's probably a better-rounded talent too . . . barring his "promo" on Pat Patterson.
Ryan: That was in large part bad material and not Dolph's fault.
Chris: Horrible.

Winner: Kofi Kingston via disqualification (Viper-ference)
Ryan: This match was so boring that I wouldn't be surprised if it were written by Herman Meh-ville. *

D-Generation X vs. The Big Show & ???

Ryan: Any last minute speculation of the identity of Show's partner?
Chris: Jericho.
Ryan: I'm going to go with Hornswoggle, who infiltrated DX as their mascot to learn all of their secrets, thereby making him the only man who can beat them.
Chris: Your tongue. Bite it.
Ryan: Again, DX makes fun of the Big Show for being gay and then tells us that we should get ready to "suck it."
Chris: Irony, thy name is DX
Ryan: I'm just realizing that, once this commercial is over, we've only got about fifteen minutes left before the overrun . . . one or both of these title matches is going to be a quickie.
Chris: Is this a title match? I thought it was non-title
Ryan: You may be right. But, still, the point is that at least one of these will probably be more "angle" than "match."
Chris: I'd put my money on this one.

D-Generation X vs. The Big Show & Chavo Guerrero, Jr.

Ryan: Well, that's about the last partner I would have expected for Show.
Chris: Seriously? Chavo?
Ryan: Perhaps this somehow leads to him becoming the official mascot for Jericho and Show.
Chris: Because there's nothing left to do to humiliate him . . . except that.
Ryan: I almost wonder if this is a way to set up a Jericho versus Show feud, with Jericho getting offended that Show thought that he could have the same level of success with Guerrero as he had with Jericho.
Chris: Haven't we seen Jericho versus Show recently?
Ryan: I don't recall them doing a feud since Jericho's return. They had a match as part of some sort of tournament or similar gimmick, but it was a quickie.
Chris: Jericho was one of the first people that Show knocked out once he started the big right hand gimmick.
Ryan: That's true, I do remember that now, but that wasn't part of a feud between the two, it was just part of a one-off match with Show throwing the punch to get it over fo rthe Mayweather match if I'm remembering things correctly.

Winner: D-Generation X by pinfall (HHH pedigree on Chavo, Jr.)
Ryan: Despite the fact that Chavo has been treated like a complete and utter joke on WWE television for the past several months, they actually allowed him to wrestle like a serious competitor here and get a fair amount of offense against two of the company's biggest stars. The fact that he is a fresh opponent for Michaels and Jericho gave the match a different vibe, which I enjoyed for the brief time that it lasted. **

(Triple H indicates that DX will defend the titles next week against Jerishow.)

Chris: Another major match for next week . . . but WWE isn't loading up the card or anything.
Ryan: Call me crazy, but I still really don't think that they are.
Chris: Hart hosting. DX vs JeriShow. Kofi vs Randy. That's two PPV matches and the second-biggest guest host they could get.
Ryan: I don't think Hart hosting has anything to do with loading up the card. They signed him to a four month deal that starts on January 1 and they want to use him as soon as possible after the contract starts.

Timberland sets up the main event.

Chris: Well, at least we know he's in the building and not fully pre-recorded.
Ryan: With that intro, I am going to begin a campaign to make Timberland the permanent Raw ring announcer.
Chris: Any particular reason?
Ryan: No.
Chris: Ah. I was struggling for justification there.

Sheamus (c) vs. John Cena for the WWE Championship

Ryan: Jesus, this is the fastest pace in a John Cena match that I've seen in quite some time.
Chris: And he's not exactly in there with a jackrabbit.
Ryan: Granted, he can probably afford that because it's not going very long, but it's still impressive that he's moving at this clip with somebody as inexperienced with Sheamus and nothing is getting screwed up.

Ryan: Aaaaand there's your predictable DQ finish everybody was calling for.
Chris: Oh that was terrible. TERRIBLE. Way to make your champ look strong.
Ryan: I don't think they necessarily hurt Sheamus there. The action could be interpreted as either an intentional DQ or an accident . . . you can watch it back and argue either way, plus he gets to lay Cena out.
Chris: I was just gonna say, he's getting his heat back.

Winner: John Cena by disqualification (referee's body runs into Sheamus' hands)
Ryan: As noted earlier, the speed at which the two wrestlers were moving here without making any mistakes really caught me off guard, though it's not like they were wrestling a marathon of a match at that full tilt. However, for the level of action that we got, this was perfectly acceptable and has allowed me to believe that Sheamus and Cena may have more natural chemistry than many of us would have originally expected.


To Sum It All Up

Chris: The show started so well and then ended so predictably. It was far better than last week, but, then again, a live feed of downtown Sioux Falls would have accomplished that. The build right now is centered on next week as the PPV is still a month off, and it's not a bad build either. Bret alone would make me want to watch, but the matches announced are interesting enough to sell the show to people not familiar with the Hitman. Good work, but needs follow-up. And if I had a dollar for every time I'd said that...
Ryan: You'd have a dollar for every time we did this column.
Chris: At least.

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Ciao!