411’s Wrestlicious Take Down Report 03.24.10

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Welcome to 411mania’s report for week four of Wrestlicious. Yes, believe it or not, it’s managed to last this long.

Leyla Milani and Jimmy Hart open the show. They put over Jimmy’s managerial accomplishments, with Jimmy offering to add Leyla to his “stable.” Leyla says that she’s got the perfect stable for Hart as well . . . the stable in which she keeps her HORSES. OH, THE COMEDY! It gets better, though, as the Mouth of the South asks what his role in Milani’s stable would be and she tells him that it would be just like his role in Wrestlicious: shoveling manure. Hey, somebody’s got to do it.

Shauna Na and her two unnamed flunkies, the Be-Bops, are interviewed. At least one source has tried to tell me that Shauna is being played by a North Carolina-based indy wrestler named Kristen Flake, though I personally don’t see that much of a resemblance. They have the gimmick of 1950’s girls. I was getting ready to point out how stupid the gimmick was because nobody who is in the early 20’s in the twenty-first century could possibly want to speak, act, or dress like one of their counterparts from sixty years ago . . . but then the announcer actually tried to EXPLAIN THE GIMMICK. You see, according to our unseen, unnamed commentator, Shauna and her girls were orphans adopted by a conservative elderly couple in their 70’s who raised them on classic sitcoms and classic professional wrestling. You know, because children are only ever exposed to the cultural influences provided by their parents, meaning that these women would never go to school or in any other way be introduced to modern technology, manners of dress, or methods of speech.

Anyway, Shauna and the girls work the mic, and they start the interview by listing some of their favorite wrestlers. Gorgeous George, Killer Kowalski, Buddy Rogers, and Bobo Brazil are all mentioned, complete with photos of them running across the screen. Well, after the Lord Alfred Hayes reference on last week’s show, I’ve come to expect just about anything here. The interview lasts about thirty more seconds after that, and it seemed to be an excuse for whoever is writing the promos to show off their knowledge of 1950’s slang. It’s the cat’s pajamas. The announcer says that the promo is “adorable and disturbing,” which is the same phrase that I would use to describe the ridiculously loud, piped in chants of Shauna’s name as she exits.

We’re outside of JV Rich’s “Crib” with Toni the Top and Autumn Frost. Toni is STILL trying to sell Frost into prostitution after last week’s failure, so apparently this is going to be an ongoing storyline. Hell of a gimmick for young Autumn.

Our Wrestlicious Rewind (which I’ve just noticed that they spell “Wrewind”) is an extended series of clips from last week’s White Magic & Draculetta vs. Lacey Von Erich & Amber Lively match.

Kickstart Katie, Maui, and Toni the Top are the next three entrants in our Wrestlicious battle royale that will help to determine the promotion’s first champion.

Leyla Milani is back on her CGI beach, this week telling us that love is like a clothesline. Get it right . . . PILEDRIVER.

Now we go to “The Young and the Wrestling,” which you might recall began two episodes ago when Bootcamp Bailey got two volunteers from the audience and kidnapped a studio floor manager so that she could train them to be professional wrestlers. This week, she takes them to a warehouse somewhere with a wrestling ring inside of it, which looks suspiciously like the facility used by Slammin’ Ladies, a company owned and operated out of Florida by veteran indy wrestler Lexie Fyfe. Also present are Wrestlicious stars Felony (Rain), Maria Toro (Mercedes Martinez), and Autumn Frost (Jennifer Blake). Autumn gets one of the girls into the ring to “train” her, and the training consists of some forearms, an axe bomber, and a bulldog that lay the young woman out. Seconds later, we’re back in the Wrestlicious house, where they are assigned to scrub the hot tub with toothbrushes. I understand that looking for logic in Wrestlicious is like trying to locate a camel in the Arctic, but I can’t imagine why any of the women would be going along with this, especially the one who didn’t want to be there in the first place. I also don’t understand how any fans are supposed to buy this as actual wrestling training when 90% of them have seen shows like WWE Tough Enough in which actual wrestling training occurs.

Tyler Texas, a.k.a. Lorelei Lee, is in the Wrestlicious Spotlight. She rolls around the beach in a bikini, and the expression on her face 90% of the time makes it look like she’s trying to parody a bikini photoshoot instead of trying to participate in a bikini photoshoot. If that’s what she was actually doing, I have a new level of respect for her.

Shauna Na and her girls are sitting in a diner, and they say they’re Wrestlicious. That’s literally the entire segment. Huh.

Ring announcer Johnny C. is in the locker room with some of the girls, where he runs in to Sierra Sheraton, who introduces herself as “the heiress, not Paris.” Again, no subtlety with this show’s gimmicks. Johnny get slapped when he tells Sierra that he disagrees with those people who call her a spoiled little girl . . . because she’s not that little! The highlight of the segment was actually Kandi Kisses, who was in the background as Johnny walked in jamming out on her iPod in a manner so over the top that it’s clear she wasn’t even attempting to take this seriously.

We’re back with the next installment of “Are You Smarter Than a Male Wrestler?”, the game show hosted by Jimmy Hart. This week’s contestants are hippie chick Marley and the Cuban Assassin, who I believe may actually be Fidel Sierra under a mask. Jimmy’s question for him is, “Finish this equation . . . A-squared plus B-Squared equals what?” The Assassin says he doesn’t hang out with squares, and Marley answers the question correctly.

Match Numero Uno: Sierra Sheraton vs. Marley

Marley, who in some other places online has been listed as “Marley Sebastian,” is being played by Daizee Haze of ROH, SHIMMER, CHIKARA, and occasional TNA fame. The character is that of a “new age hippie” according to the commentator, and actually it’s not that different from Daizee Haze just being Daizee Haze aside from the fact that, as Marley, she’ll periodically stop to do a yoga or mediation pose. In fact, she’s the only woman who I’ve seen on this show so far who is wearing gear that I’m fairly certain that I’ve seen her wear elsewhere. Sierra, meanwhile, is an indy wrestler by the name of Erica D’ Erico, who can primarily be seen in Arizona’s Impact Zone Wrestling.

Marley attempts some pre-match mediation, but Sierra attacks her from behind while she’s in that pose to kick off the match. The referee breaks things up to negate the unfair advantage, at which point Marley is able to apply an armbar and then a top wristlock. Sierra gets rid of her with a hair pull, after which the girls lock up. This time Marley gets a hammerlock, and Sheraton manages to get a quick rope break. We then go with one of the old classics, as Sheraton asks for a test of strength but won’t give it at the last minute, mocking her opponent’s height. Sierra looks for a hiptoss, but Marley manages to roll through it and turn it to one of her own. The hippie reels off a Japanese armdrag and a rana in short order, then leaping up on to her opponent for some kind of bodyscissor-based move. The heiress reverses it into Vader’s old Face Eraser, however, and follows it up with a hair beal and some choking in the corner. She misses a big kick after that, allowing Marley to get a cradle for two. Sierra cuts off the comeback with a forearm and goes back to the corner for more choking, then looking for an axe bomber. Marley gets her boot up and catches the opposition with a victory roll out of the corner, again earning herself a nearfall. Sierra maintains the advantage after the cradle and chokes some more. With Marley whipped into the ropes, she tries for a crucifix, only to have it turned into a Samoan drop by the heiress. Marley has some reversals of her own in store, though, as she turns a Sierra suplex attempt into a DDT and keeps on her woman with a clothesline and the old divorce court. Daizee slaps on an arm submission of some sort, which Sierra turns into a cradle for two. After kicking out, the Haze manages to hit her trademark heart punch, which she tries to follow with her usual Yakuza kick finisher. As she is attempting to hit it, though, Sheraton gets her own boot up and in to Marley’s face. That’s enough to earn the victory for the heiress . . . not Paris.

Winner: Sierra Sheraton

Final Thoughts

It’s getting hard for me to do write-ups on these shows, because, with each passing episode, they get more and more formulaic. The skits were exactly what they were on the other three shows, and the one wrestling match, as was the case with the wrestling matches on the other three shows, was perfectly acceptable though didn’t stand out in any way, either good or bad. This was the first time that I’ve seen D’ Erico wrestle, though, so at least I had some interest in being exposed to a new performer. Given the demographic that this show seems to be going after, though, I have a feeling that we’re not going to be seeing any major shakeups in how the rest of the episodes are structured.