411’s WWE Smackdown Report 09.03.10

Hello and welcome to the WWE Smackdown Report.

Just to reiterate-

In order to change things up a little bit, I have dug into the 2010 Smackdown archives and recorded the Win/Loss record of every current Smackdown superstar. Here are a few guidelines:

– These records only reflect matches that have taken place on Smackdown or Pay-Per-View (this week finally updated with Summerslam).

– Matches that end or have ended in a No Contest are not counted.

– In the case of Tag Team matches, each member of the losing team gets a Loss and each member of the winning team gets a Win.

– In the case of multi-man matches, every participant besides the winner gets a Loss.

– Some wrestlers will have a third number in their record. This number represents matches that have ended in a Draw.

After a video package detailing the entire Kane/Mysterio/Undertaker saga, Smackdown opens with some Let it Roll and some pyro. Tonight we are on a 72-hour tape delay from Albany, New York. Goodbye California!

Later tonight, Kane has a Major Announcement concerning The Undertaker.

We go Tony Chimel in a festively decorated ring complete with a red mat, servers in white gloves and tuxedos, balloons, Mexican flags, tables with bottles of champagne on them and yes, a piñata. Also, we have Ricardo Rodriguez, who graciously introduces Alberto Del Rio. His vintage car of choice for this evening is a Bentley as he comes out, suited-up in all white. Do you remember what he did to Mysterio? If not, here it is again…

And we get a replay of last week’s attack which resulted in Mysterio suffering a “fractured wrist.”

This is a celebration in honor of Mysterio’s removal from the WWE. He proved that Mysterio is a pathetic representation of his Mexican people. Mysterio is a chicano, and he is ashamed of that. It is the reason why he wears his horrible mask. In fact, Mysterio is just like the donkey piñata he has with him in the ring; a piñata wearing a Mysterio mask which Del Rio proceeds to destroy. Del Rio asks for some champagne and makes a toast to himself because he is handsome, powerful and rich. He is everything…

This brings out Christian, a man who knows who Del Rio is. He is JBL- Juan Bradshaw Layfield. Joking aside, Christian really does know who he is. He is an international superstar. He is Enrique Iglesias! Christian wonders how that one song goes and thankfully remembers. What follows is a beautiful rendition of “Hero”. He then samples one of the hor dourves before politely spiting it out. It’s like this: Christian didn’t come out here to eat or to admire Del Rio’s cars and suits. He came out here to tell him that he doesn’t appreciate what he did to his good friend, Rey Mysterio. As far as the piñata goes, Del Rio is the only jackass in sight. Who do you think you are, Christian? Does he think he can come out here and ruin his fiesta? Does he want to end up like Mysterio? Christian seems to think that Del Rio is challenging him to a fight. Christian already has a scheduled match tonight, but he has no problem fighting Del Rio right here, right now. Del Rio orders his servants out of the ring and rips off his jacket. They go nose to nose but Del Rio smirks and backs away. There will be another place and time for this, and Christian will pay. As Christian watches Del Rio retreat, Drew McIntyre attacks him from behind. This allows Del Rio to pour champagne on Christian as Grisham announces Christian vs. McIntyre, next!

During the break, McIntyre continued the attack on the outside.

Match One: Christian (6-8) vs. Drew McIntyre (13-16-1)

Match starts with Christian clutching his ribs. McIntyre charges but is blocked as Christian responds with some strikes. McIntyre puts a stop to that with a couple of knees to the midsection and a hiptoss. McIntyre boots the ribs and covers for two. McIntyre applies a shoulder stretch and stops a comeback with another boot to the ribs. Christian ends some McIntyre trash talk with a couple of slaps to the face. Christian charges but McIntyre catches him with a bearhug. Christian headbutts his way out of it and charges but is dropped with a knee to the ribs. After a quick stomp, McIntyre heads to the middle rope but is caught with two boots to the face on the way down. Christian begins his comeback with some chops and an elbow running off the ropes. McIntyre charges at Christian in the corner but is hit with a pendulum kick. Christian attempts a crossbody off the second rope but is caught with a nasty backbreaker. Cover gets two and Christian rolls out of the ring. McIntyre follows and tries to bring Christian onto the announce table but Christian avoids it by taking McIntyre’s legs out from under him. Both beat the ten-count at nine. Christian ducks a clothesline and goes for a Killswitch but McIntyre reverses into a gutbuster. McIntyre goes to grab Christian but gets rolled up out of nowhere for the win.

Winner: Christian in 4:00

Rating: ** (What we saw was damn good, there just wasn’t enough of it. Even though Christian had a good excuse to lose, being beat up pre-match and all, he still gets the win. However, with the rollup win, it looks more like Christian being resilient than McIntyre being a weakling.)

Later tonight, Big Show vs. CM Punk/Luke Gallows in a Handicap match.

Match Two: Kelly Kelly (6-4) vs. Michelle McCool (12-8)

I heart Kelly Kelly, even though she can never get past my computer’s spell check. Kelly starts it off, dropping Mc Cool with a boot, followed by several more on the mat. Layla is on commentary. Kelly hits with some elbows but gets caught by a belly-to-belly into a backbreaker. Cover gets two. McCool knees the back and hits a belly-to-belly suplex. Cover gets two. McCool does some pushups, pressing against Kelly’s throat. That was pretty cool. McCool taunts and knees the midsection as Grisham and Layla discuss how smelly Kelly is. Kelly mounts a comeback with a high boot and a rana followed by some mat slams and a clothesline. A drop toe-hold gets Kelly really pumped up. Kelly goes for another rana but McCool catches her and hits a Faith Breaker for the win.

Winner: Michelle McCool in 2:00

Rating: ¾* (Nothing offensive and a good win against basically the only other diva left on Smackdown. I guess it’s a good thing NXT is all female this season.)

Later tonight, Kane’s Major Announcement.

In the back, a doctor runs some tests on a now brunette Hornswoggle’s head. Teddy Long wants to get Hornswoggle to speak English. The psychologist claims to have run every test available to get him to do so: Phonics, inkblots, even See ‘n Say, but nothing has worked. In extreme cases, it takes extreme measures- electroshock therapy. Hornswoggle does not seem too keen on that idea. Long assures him it’ll be for his own good and so it begins. After three shocks, Hornswoggle turns the machine on the doctor and runs away with Long. Oh no, now the doctor is going up in smoke while selling it with a ridiculous look on his face. That was worse than Abdullah the Butcher in his electric chair. Kinda reminded me of a PG Chucky.

Match Three: Chris Masters (1-2) vs. Dolph Ziggler (13-14-1)

Masters gets no formal intro to the TV audience, starting off already in the ring. You know what that means. Meanwhile, Vickie Guerrero introduces Ziggler. Hmm, so I guess Del Rio isn’t the only one getting special treatment. Masters charges at Ziggler in the corner but Ziggler ducks it and slugs away. Masters reverses and gets in some shots of his own. Big chop sends Ziggler to the mat. Masters with an Irish whip into the corner and Ziggler tries for the HBK flip spot but fails. Nice press slam by Masters sends Ziggler rolling onto the apron. Vickie distracts Masters and Ziggler is able to hit a nice Neckbreaker in-between the ropes. Cover gets two. Ziggler pounds away at the back of the neck and hits a high elbow drop on the chest for two. Ziggler attempts a dropkick but Masters catches and catapults him into the turnbuckle. Masters goes for a Masterlock but Ziggler fights it off before he can lock it in. Zig Zag finishes it.

Winner: Dolph Ziggler in 2:00

Rating: * (Refreshing to see Ziggler in there with someone other than Kingston. Remember when the Masterlock meant something? Not much to the match.)

In the back, Big Show makes his way to ring wearing some kind of customized bandana on his head. Is he slowly morphing back into impersonator Big Show again?

Match Four: Handicap Match- Big Show (14-4-1) vs. CM Punk (9-14)/Luke Gallows (8-10)

Punk starts off with Show. They feel each other out with Punk dodging some jabs and connecting with some low kicks. Show catches one but Punk rolls out of it and tags in Gallows. Gallows with a go-behind but Show counters with a standing switch and a takedown. A headbutt sends Gallows to the corner. Chop! Gallows tries to fight back but Show connects with a powerful back elbow which sends Gallows to the outside. Show follows but Mercury stands in his way. Is it just me, or does Mercury look much smaller than before? I mean much, much smaller. Anyway, Show sinks in a nerve pinch on him as Gallows re-enters the ring and tags in Punk. As Show tries to get back into the ring, Punk baseball slides his lower leg and knocks him off. Punk then connects with a kick and a running low dropkick through the ropes. Both men on the outside now. Punk with some elbows but Show drops him with a headbutt. Show rolls in to break the count then lays Punk on the apron. He goes for a chop but Punk moves out of the way. Show tries to enter again, but this time Gallows attacks him from behind. Punk finally brings Show back into the ring and hits with some jabs at his head. They don’t faze him. Show blocks a tag attempt with an Irish whip into the corner but misses a splash. Punk goes for a springboard off the top rope but Show knocks him down on impact and hits an elbow drop that gets two thanks to Gallows. Back outside, Show goes for a shoulderblock but misses and runs into the steel steps. Punk re-enters the ring as we go to commercial.

Back from break, Punk is stomping on Show. He tries to drag him into the corner but can’t, so he goes for the tag instead. Gallows connects with some elbow drops and a couple of big splashes but only gets two. Gallows sinks in a chinlock. Doesn’t last long though as Show sidewalk slams his way out. Back up, Show hits with a headbutt and two clotheslines. Irish whip into the corner and Show calls for the…the Ho Train? Nope, Grisham calls it the Freight Train. Running off the ropes, Show hits a clothesline and readies himself for a chokeslam. Goozle, and Show sends him into Punk who was on the ropes, knocking him down. Show hits a massive reverse powerbomb (?) and a modified Camel Clutch makes Gallows tap.

Winner: Big Show in 10:00

Rating: ** (I liked this better than their Summerslam match. It was more organized and cohesive. However, I don’t get why the SES loses again. Guess this means their end.)

Post-match, Punk looks enraged and hits a G2S on Gallows. On his way up the ramp, Punk falls to his knees and looks gone.

Later tonight, Kane’s Enormous Announcement.

In the ring, it is time for the VIP Lounge hosted by takedown challenge winner, Jack Swagger. The ring is decorated with a Swagger jersey, some trophies, some pictures and Swagger’s neckbraced and wheelchaired father. Boy, the ring crew had their working boots on tonight, huh? What looks so right about this picture? Swagger knows, it is an All-American, American, American VIP Lounge. Before he gets to his guest, he wants to remind us what happened last week…

And we get a replay of the Jack Swagger Sr. Invitational takedown challenge.

Swagger’s guest is a heartfelt story. He is a Korean War hero, a Purple Heart winner and the current Perry, Oklahoma Senior Citizen Arm Wrestling Champion. Jack Swagger Sr.! He is Swagger’s VIP. What does ol’ man Swagger have to say? Well first off, he is very proud of his son. He goes on to list some of his son’s accomplishments, one of which was breaking a national record for consecutive pushups at nine years old. This leads to Swagger performing some for us. Swagger Sr. counts them at twice the speed Swagger was doing them. Before Swagger Sr. collapses from counting so fast, MVP’s music hits. What a sweet Hallmark moment- a son and his father. Looks like two squares making fools of themselves. There is nothing ballin’ about this VIP Lounge. Swagger has the opportunity to host a world-famous show and he brings his father as a guest? In Swagger’s opinion, MVP was never VIP and he isn’t on the list tonight. He is trying to have a moment with his father. MVP agrees that Swagger is the host tonight, but it is still his show. As of right now, the show is closed for renovation. MVP begins to wreck the set. Swagger threatens MVP with his father’s wheelchair (with said father still sitting on it). Eventually, MVP grabs the other end and they play tug-o-war with it. MVP pushes Swagger into the ropes but on his bounce off, he sends Swagger Sr. flying out of the wheelchair and onto MVP. Swagger then charges but MVP sends him over the top rope. In the ring, MVP hits “Ballin'” on Swagger Sr. then throws the wheelchair out of the ring toward Swagger.

Before our next match, Dashing Cody Rhodes gets on the mic and asks for a round of applause for Matt Hardy. Clearly, Matt Hardy has not been paying attention to his grooming tips. They are for people like fatso Hardy (his words, not mine). Haha, Piggy Hardy (my words, not his)! He goes on to make fun of Hardy’s nose and facial hair. He is dashing his opportunities of being well, dashing. Rhodes’ jacket now has a mirror on the back. He asks the crowd if they can see the old Matt Hardy anymore. All he sees is Matt Hardy Version Done. Oh, snap!

Match Five: Matt Hardy (5-15) vs. Cody Rhodes (5-3)

Hardy starts off strong with some shoulderblocks in the corner. He begins to slug away but the ref pulls him off. Hardy goes to slam Rhodes’ face on the turnbuckle but Rhodes turns it on him. Hardy ducks a clothesline and attempts a Side Effect but Rhodes fights it off. Hardy hits two clotheslines then a third in the corner leading to a bulldog. He is selling the foot injury from some weeks ago against McIntyre. Hardy connects with a boot to the ribs but Rhodes rolls out of the way in time for the second as we go to commercial.

Back from break, Rhodes is fighting his way out of a facelock. Rhodes hits his brother’s signature uppercut from the mat, then charges. Hardy ducks another clothesline and this time connects with a Side Effect. Cover gets two. Hardy grabs Rhodes but he knees him off. Hardy reverses an Irish whip and sends Rhodes over the top rope. Rhodes holds on and tries to skin the cat but Hardy kicks him off on his way up. Hardy follows him outside and slams his head on the apron. Back inside, Hardy takes out the leg from behind and hits a body slam onto the ring ropes. Hardy sinks in a Half Boston Crab, but can’t seem to be able to squat all the way down on it. Rhodes breaks it up in the ropes. Hardy goes to grab the legs again but Rhodes pushes him off. Hardy ducks yet another clothesline and connects with one of his own. A back elbow and an elbow drop set up an attempt at a Twist of Fate which Rhodes blocks. Shoulderblocks in the corner by Rhodes connect before he sets Hardy up on the top rope. Hardy headbutts him off and goes for his middle rope elbow but Rhodes moves out of the way. Hardy looks to land awkwardly on the leg. Rhodes hits a middle rope knee drop on the injured leg and stalks. Hardy gets up and Rhodes hits a sloppy Cross Rhodes for the win.

Winner: Cody Rhodes in 7:00

Rating: *1/2 (Nothing wrong with the match, but very unspectacular. I don’t think people will be as sensitive about Rhodes’ pre-match comments as they were when similar things were said about Mickie James. Reason being, Hardy is definitely in worse shape than James was in. Good win in Rhodes’ continued push on Smackdown.)

Up next, Kane’s Ultra Big Surprise!

We hear Kane’s maniacal laughter and I wonder whether they have added that to his entrance music. The answer is no, as he appears on the Titantron, continuing that laughter. The final chapter in every great saga always ends the same. The end of The Undertaker’s existence will come at Night of Champions where Kane will be defending his World Heavyweight Championship. It will be his crowning achievement. Last week, Taker said the deadly sin that haunts Kane is envy. That is very true. However, unlike Taker, Kane recognizes his vices. While Taker’s sin of pride will lead to his undoing, Kane’s sin of envy will make him more powerful. He has wanted Taker’s powers more than Taker can ever know. Finally, they are his…

And with that, the druids come out with a casket. The red lights in the arena turn purple. I have to admit, I miss the really big caskets with the purple lining circa 1995. The casket is placed at ringside and we get about three different camera angles of it. Then, the screen starts to get stat-icky as various shots of Taker flash in-between shots the casket. Suddenly, it opens and Kane emerges. But how?! This is some voodoo stuff going on here. More maniacal laughter follows. Kane wishes he could see the look on Taker’s face right now. He wants to be there to see the expression on Taker’s face when he realizes he can do nothing to stop him. Taker now walks in Kane’s shadow. Kane was always the afterthought. My, my, how things change. The only thing Kane sees now in Taker is weakness. A weakness he saw when he left him comatose; a weakness he saw when he dropped him on his head at Summerslam; and a weakness he saw last Monday when he proved Taker was a phenom no longer…

And we get a replay of the lights on, lights off, lights on, lights off (the Clapper!) thing from Raw.

Kane knew Taker would just lay there after the Nexus’ attack. His powers are gone, and they belong to Kane. When this saga is over, Taker will be no more. He will become a memory known as Kane’s brother. At Night of Champions, Taker will feel Kane’s rage and there is nothing he can do about it. Dong! Kane’s brother makes his way down to the ring. Just as he steps through the ropes, the lights go out. When they come back on, Kane is gone. Taker looks angry at first, but soon has the “I got it” look on his face. He heads toward the casket cautiously. When he opens it, there is no one inside. There’s that laughter again. Kane appears on the Titantron. Taker may not have taught him everything he knows about evil, but he is wrong to assume that Kane has anything left to learn. They were known as the Brothers of Destruction. After Night of Champions, Taker will be known as the brother Kane destroyed. Kane’s ring-post pyro goes off as the show ends.

So what was the major announcement? The promo work was fantastic yet again, but nothing different was said that would live up to what they were hyping all throughout the show.