Live from the US Airways Center in Phoenix, Arizona
Commentators: Michael Cole & Jerry "The King" Lawler
Championship's roll call: WWE Champion: CM Punk… World Champion: Daniel Bryan… Intercontinental Champion: Cody Rhodes… United States Champion: Jack Swagger… Tag Team Champions: Primo & Epico… Diva's Champion: Beth Phoenix
The WWE Champion CM Punk opens the show and sits in the ring, Punk-style. He promotes the WWE title match at the Rumble; he calls Dolph Ziggler's three wins over him in the prior weeks a direct result of John Laurinaitis. Punk says that Johnny sucks at life and last week, got him to finally tell the truth… he goaded Laurinaitis into admitting that he indeed will screw Punk. He threatens to break both of Laurinaitis' arms so it will be really hard to referee a match; he wants Laurinaitis to come into the ring and say that he is going to screw Punk over… to his face. Johnny does not answer. Punk plans on going after John but another John comes out. John Cena heads to the ring; he's not very nice to Punk. Cena is out for business and DEMANDS Laurinaitis to give Zack Ryder a rematch and a Cena a match with Kane tonight. He also says that Laurinaitis will resign as GM. Punk begins to pipe-bomb again but Mr. Laurinaitis finally comes to the ring and runs through his fifty titles. Laurinaitis says he stands by what he said and will not be intimidated by either of them; Punk tries to coax him into the ring. Johnny tells Cena he apologized to Ryder and then books him in a falls count anywhere match versus Kane and if Cena interferes, Ryder will NEVER receive a US Title match again. He also books an (obvious) tag match between Cena and Punk versus Ziggler and Jack Swagger. Vickie Guerrero comes out and introduces the team; Ziggler says Laurinaitis won't need to screw Punk over because he will "flat out… beat you". Swagger says Cena is dead meat. 4/10 Eh, nothing too special, Punk's stuff wasn't too over the top pipe bomb style. Mean Cena was a bit too much and I'm actually surprised that Punk just shut up and let him speak.
CM Punk & John Cena vs. Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger (w/Vickie Guerrero): John Laurinaitis is still hanging around at ringside for this encounter; Cena and Ziggler begin. Cena uses a side headlock to start until Ziggler forces him in the corner for the non-clean break. John is waiting for it, though and counters into a bulldog for two. Punk receives a tag, still with his shorts on, and soccer kicks him down. Punk tries a suplex but Dolph lands on his feet; Punk attempts a Go2Sleep but Ziggler escapes and rolls to the floor. Back from break, Cena had Ziggler in a chinlock whilst Laurinaitis plays with his cellphone. Ziggler escapes, runs the ropes and SHOWS OFF; he tags Swagger who immediately gets nailed with a fisherman's release suplex. Cena makes fun of Ziggler's showing off, doing a Ric Flair impression, and knocks Ziggler off the apron. Swagger nails Cena with a vaulting clothesline and stamps away. Jack pounds on Cena and distracts the referee so Ziggler cheap shots John; Swagger with a double armlock into a front chancery. Cena begins to power free and suplexes Swagger; Ziggler tags before John can and hits a nice standing dropkick right to the mush. Ziggler with a series of elbow drops with sit ups, because he SHOWS OFF and all. They control Cena in their corner for a while; Swagger lands the Swagger Bomb, and reapplies a front wastelock. Cena breaks the hold with an Attitude Adjustment? Wow, that was different, for a segue move. We get a double KO and then the hot tags are made; Punk springs off the top with a clothesline and follows with the swinging neckbreaker into the knee/bulldog combo in the corner. Ziggler avoids the GTS again but walks right into a stiff straight kick… Swagger breaks up the pinfall. Cena and Swagger fight on the floor and Cena gets the STF on the floor. Punk heads to the top for the elbow but Laurinaitis hops up on the apron to cause the distraction so Dolph rolls up Punk from behind to get beat by Ziggler for the fourth time. Post-match, Punk says once again, if he's screwed then Laurinaitis gets his ass kicked. He also adds that he wants to wrestle Johnny… tonight. Laurinaitis… accepts. 6/10 Pretty good match there actually; I'm sure that John Laurinaitis will figure SOME way to screw over Punk or bait-and-switch somehow.
Chris Jericho comes out for the Highlight Reel (complete with obesely expensive Jeritron 5000); this crowd seems to be catching on to his stuff and boos him. He gets in the ring and then runs to the back suddenly and returns with the t-shirt bazooka. He teases shooting it into the crowd and then grabs the cameraman's camera and pans the audience. He then shows a highlight package of himself. When we return the jacket is blinking; he continues to tell the booing crowd to shush. He FINALLY speaks… this Sunday at the Rumble it's going to be the end of the world as we know it. 4/10 I get it he's Jericho, he can waste twenty minutes of television time to say one thing, but damn there could have been a match there. His surprise at the Rumble better be EPIC.
We get the Rumble by the Numbers promo. I just went upstairs and asked my son (in my wife's pregnant belly) if he wanted to watch pro wrestling with has daddy when he's born… and HE KICKED! Anyway back to Raw, they add that ANY Superstar is eligible for the Rumble this year… isn't it like that EVERY year?
Zack Ryder is in the back with Eve Torres when Mick Foley (looking like Cactus Jack) asks him how he is feeling. He says he wrestled Kane and teamed with him… and deep down he's still a human being, he peps him up and then leaves. Eve continues to try to talk him out of the match and then John Cena arrives. Ryder tells him to "not interfere, bro" he needs his title match. Ryder leaves right through the Gorilla position for…
Zack Ryder vs. Kane falls count anywhere: If John Cena interferes; Ryder will NEVER get a US Title match again, per John Laurinaitis. Ryder has his ribs heavily taped. This is the first match Kane has had since his return from Hell… or wherever he goes when he's injured. Ryder attacks at the bell until Kane tosses across the ring; Ryder retreats to the apron where he hangs Kane off the top. He recovers immediately and boots poor Ryder off the apron into the announce table. Kane heads out after him and slaughters him on the floor; he posts his back a few times and bodyslams him on the concrete. Ryder gets flung into the steel steps and keeps stomping on the ribs. Eve Torres heads out into Zack's corner and makes like Miss Elizabeth worrying about Randy Savage. Back from commercial, Kane continues to toss Ryder all about the ringside area. He press-slams Ryder into the steps for a nearfall on the floor. Kane applies that smother hold of his and then releases in favor of brawling with Ryder in the ringside area. Well, it's one-sided brawling. Ryder gets a shot with an equipment case but Kane easily shrugs it off and continues the assault. They make their way onto the stage where Kane tosses him into the giant WWE logo, breaking part of the base of it. Kane tries another pinfall but Ryder kicks out for some reason. The commentators are starting to wonder why Ryder isn't lying down. At least they're keeping that part of his character true. Kane chokeslams Ryder THROUGH THE STAGE. Okay, that was pretty cool… the referee goes to check on him as Eve wanders a bit too close and gets stalked by Kane. I guess the match is over because Cena appears on the stage. Kane notices him and Eve is able to escape and make her way to safety. The medical staff stabilize his neck and stretcher him out as Cena and Eve look on concerned. When we return from break the medical staff is STILL stretchering out Ryder as Cena and Eve look on. Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole speak in muted voices to sell the realism. Kane just sort of disappeared from the ringside area. They stretcher him into the ambulance, if Kane is driving it, I'm out of here. Cena tells him to hang in there because he'll handle it; Eve blames Cena for this whole thing and is going with Ryder to the hospital. Josh Matthews shows up and sticks a microphone in Cena's face. John punches it out of his hands and makes angry faces at the camera. EMBRACE THE HATE! 2.5/10 This match went from squash, to brutal destruction, to "message to Cena", to boring really quickly; the chokeslam spot looked cool, though. If this is what we're in store for at the Rumble, that Cena/Kane match may be a bathroom match. If they wanted to firmly establish that Kane is ruthless and destructive, they did it, still won't make the Rumble match any more entertaining. Oh, this went on WAY too long to establish that.
Sheamus vs. Jinder Mahal: This feud continues, Mahal is already in the ring, so it probably won't continue much longer. Sheamus peps the crowd up considering that Zack Ryder may be dead. Sheamus slams him and drops an elbow as Wade Barrett meanders to the commentary position. Michael Cole seems rather happy to see him considering that he tried to kill the entire Raw ringside area a year or so ago. Meanwhile, Sheamus heads up top but Mahal arm drags him off the top; Jinder takes over and hits a kneelift on the apron. Mahal applies a chinlock as Barrett discusses Randy Orton's return on SmackDown this week. Sheamus fires up with Irish Hammers and a FINLAY ROLL! Celtic Cross is countered and Mahal runs right into the Brogue Kick for three. Post-match, Barrett and Sheamus get into a little argument; Sheamus grabs the mic and promises to win the "two tousand" Royal Rumble. 3/10 Squash. Poor Mahal, had a brief brush with credibility, but that's gone now. The focus of this match was more about Barrett/Orton than Sheamus or Mahal.
The Miz says that those who do not know history are bound to repeat it. He mentions his former partners from John Morrison to Alex Riley and even Big Show (losing the World title in forty-five seconds). He begins ranting about winning the Rumble but he's interrupts by R-Truth pretending to be a WWE market researcher. He calls him a #1 nincompoop and #1 in WEIO, "what else is on". They begin to fight (with Truth insisting his name is "Fleischer" the marker researcher). John Laurinaitis comes out and yells at the both of them; he is so annoyed with them he makes the loser of their upcoming match #1 in the Rumble, which wouldn't be too bad considering that two have done it in the past. 4/10 Truth is funny; I'm glad he is still out of his mind, even as a babyface.
"Funkasaurus" Brodus Clay vs. Heath Slater: William Regal has joined for commentary and we get clips of Regal shaking his derrière. Brodus is in all white this week. Poor Slater, no entrance. Clay shoulderblocks him down; Slater challenges him to do it again and dropkicks him. He celebrates a little too long and gets rammed with a head-butt. "Schuplex" follows into an avalanche into the Ah, Funk It. Clay shouts "somebody call my momma" during the pinfall. 6.5/10 As if watching a Clay match wasn't perversely entertaining enough we get the added bonus of Regal's hilarious commentary. I still can't believe that they got him over to the point that I think that his squashes are (possibly) the most entertaining part of Raw. Somebody call my momma.
R-Truth vs. The Miz loser is #1 in the Rumble: This is their first match since Truth's return; Truth has a "Little Jimmy" shirt. Ironically both of these guys got over turning on John Morrison. They lock up Miz gets a knee in the gut; Truth comes back and Miz retreats to the floor. Truth goes after him and clotheslines him. Back in the ring, Miz takes over with stomps until Truth takes him down with a double leg; Miz suplex hangs Truth on the top rope and then shoulderblocks him to the floor. Truth lands face-first with a splat. Back from commercial, Miz gets a nearfall off a head-butt; he applies an ABDOMINAL STRETCH. Somewhere in the great commentary position in heaven, Gorilla Monsoon is berating Miz for not hooking the toe around the shin; therefore, Truth is able to hiptoss free. Truth begins a comeback with, what else, clotheslines! He gets a nice reverse scissors roll up for two. The Truth Conviction gets two more. Miz counters the scissors kick with the Vintage Neckbreaker, he only gets one half of it because Truth counters into a backslide for two. Miz comes right back and completes the neckbreaker for two. Miz signals for the end but Truth counters and tries the Little Jimmy buy Miz grabs the ropes; he drops the Dangerous DDT for two. Miz angrily pounds on Truth's face until referee Scott Armstrong pushes him back; he then walks right into the Little Jimmy for three and the number one spot in the Rumble. 6.5/10 Pretty good match there; poor Miz gets stuck with the number one spot in the Rumble.
We get highlights of Kane chokeslamming Zack Ryder through the stage; the report from the hospital is that Zack has a BROKEN BACK? Really, I guess he's possibly paralyzed.
In the back John Laurinaitis, who seems to have stolen Lanny Poffo's entrance attire, receives a fax from David Otunga… and is not happy about it.
CM Punk comes out for his match with John Laurinaitis who, of course, doesn't come out for the match. Oh, wait there he is with David Otunga. He's got a "future endeavored" t-shirt on. Laurinaitis reads the fax that he received, actually Otunga reads it. The Board of Directors is upset with him abusing his authority especially concerning the CM Punk screwing. His title of GM is officially under review. Next week he will receive a full review if he will continue his post as GM or will be terminated. The review will be conducted by COO Triple H. Punk removes the shirt and says that it means that now he cannot screw him… and he can knock Laurinaitis' teeth down his throat. Johnny backpedals and wants to apologize for his actions; he also enters Mick Foley into the Rumble. Laurinaitis says that his screwing speech was angry words. Punk hopes that Triple H inherited Vince McMahon's "you're fired!" Laurinaitis says their match is off but he has a replacement… David Otunga. Otunga jumps Punk but quickly taps to the Anaconda Vice. Punk turns to Johnny and he tries a handshake; Punk accepts and nails the Go2Sleep. Laurinaitis' completely blank expression as Punk hoists him up is hilarious, normally people usually scream, "No, no!" Dolph Ziggler appears and nails Punk from behind and stands over him to close the show. 4.5/10 Well they had to do something to neutralize the completely unfair advantage that Ziggler had; now it can be a fair fight.
OVERALL 5.5/10 Not the total blow-away lead-in show but it had its moments. I guess Zack Ryder isn't in the Rumble now. Cena/Kane is building to something interesting, but it will probably be a boring road to get to it. I wonder if Cena will actually be in the Rumble considering his WrestleMania ticket is already punched. That may have been the first Raw, in a long time, which hasn't ended with the Rumble prerequisite locker room emptying brawl to showcase the possibilities, twenty-five years, I guess the WWE has figured we've got the concept by now.
Please follow Marc Elusive on Twitter or like Marc Elusive on Facebook or check out www.marcelusive.net for reviews and recaps (of current WWE and old WWF PPVs, DVDs and VHS tapes) and a little analysis; more of a play-by-play style, like my reviews here on 411mania.
