411’s WWE RAW Report 4.16.12

Welcome to 411’s LIVE WWE Raw Report 4.16.12
Championship Roll Call:
WWE Champion: CM Punk
World Champion: Sheamus
US Champion: Santino Marella
IC Champion: The Big Show
Unified Diva’s Champion: Beth Phoenix
WWE World Tag Team Champions: Primo and Epico

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Don’t look now, but I’m all up in your TV screens! For those that pay close attention to my weekly life, you’ll notice an awkward absence of some sorts, and for this I apologize. The good news is, Greg DeMarco was kind enough to give you the coverage that you deserve in terms of RAW, and did a damned fine job at it. Nonetheless, I am back and can now drink Mountain Dew! RAW is on fiyah recently, with Brock making a big impact, as well as Brodus getting direction and Mark Henry putting on good matches. While there’s still some mistakes here and there, RAW seems to have been on a bit of an upswing. At any rate, we’ve got a show to cover and if the spoilers are any sign of what’s to come, then you and me, reader, are in for a pretty sub par show. The thing about spoilers, however, is that sometimes they leave a lot out and are quite biased…then again, so is this report, right?

BOOM goes the dynamite, and we’re across the pond for this week’s edition of RAW! (Unless, of course, you’re already across the pond…then nevermind). We’re starting right away with the WWE Championship Match and if it’s anything like two weeks ago, we’re in for a treat. Cole says it’s been nearly a year since the Championship has changed hands on RAW…remember when that number was like 5 years or somethin? Henry is already in the ring, by the way.

Match 1: WWE Championship
No Disqualification
CM Punk vs. Mark Henry
Punk feels Henry out with some leg kicks. A lockup allows henry to send Punk to the corner then he hits a headbutt to the chest. Henry with a hard forearm to the back of Punk. Punk stumbles to the opposite corner then tries for a kick. Another to the thigh sends Punk to the rope but Henry grabs him and slams him to the mat before kicking Punk out of the ring. Henry follows and escapes the ring only for Piunk to roll into the ring quickly, hit the ropes, and fly between the ropes right into Henry. Punk and Henry on the outside. Punk with an axe handle. He looks to send Henry to the steel post, but Henry reverses and sends Punk into the post. Henry lifts Punk then crushes his head into the post. Henry is looking for a splash or something, but Punk lifts the boot and hits Henry in the face. Again. Punk hops on the barricade, runs across it ala Jeff Hardy, then flies and hits a bulldog to the back of Henry’s head. Punk looks to lift Henry, but struggles. Henry helps by hitting Punk in the gut. Punk comes back with some hard kicks to the back of Henry and the crowd is playing along like Miami, only not as well. Punk goes up top to the apron and flies, but Henry grabs him and swings him into the barricade as we go to a break.

We’re back, and Henry has Punk’s face between his huge hands. Punk kicks Henry in the head, though, and gets out of it. Another kick, then Punk hits the ropes and Henry hits a hard clothesline, knocking Punk down. Henry steps on the chest of Punk for a bit, then talks some mess from above. Punk is on the outside apron. Henry grabs Punk, so Punk hangs him up then goes for a chair. He’s in the ring now and looks to hit Henry. A hit to the gut,, one to the chest of Henry! Cover. 1…2…NO! Punk with the chair, he runs towards Henry but Henry fires back with a kick to the gut before the chair can fall! Henry now has the chair! He’s looking to hit, and he does! Right to the back of Punk! Henry sets up the chair between the first and second turnbuckle. Henry grabs Punk and looks to be sending Punk headfirst, but Punk fights back with some rights then some chops, and a right, and another chop, followed by some YES assisted forearms! Punk hits the ropes, but here comes Henry with a clothesline from the corner! Henry grabs Punk in a bear hug, cinching it a couple of times as Punk denies giving up. Punk tries firing back with some hard elbows to the head of Henry, then a clip to the knee. Punk with a short DDT and a pin for 1…2…NO!! Punk is going up top! Henry is up, too! Punk looks to fly and he flies right into the arms of Henry. Henry goes for the World’s Strongest Slam, but on the uplift, Punk flies over and kicks Henry in the head, sending Henry to the corner! Punk with a running high knee into the bulldo—NO! Henry tosses Punk across the ring! Henry looks for a running headbutt, but Punk moves and Henry runs right into the steel chair!! Punk is on the outside, he grabs the chair and takes it with him up on the top rope. Punk is calling for the elbow! Elbow on top of chair on top of Henry! Pin! 1….2….3!!!
Winner and STILL WWE Champion: CM Punk (***)
Not as good as their match from two weeks ago, but still a pretty good match. The no DQ rule had its affects, but they still stuck to wrestling, and made it look damned good.

After the match, Jericho comes on the screen, sitting in a bar, it appears. He confirms as Jericho says it reeks of beer. He bets Punk can’t wait to get his hands on him. Jericho says he’s been granted a WWE Championship match. In two weeks at Extreme Rules, it will be Punk vs Jericho in a Chicago Street Fight. Punk asks for the mic. Punk says excuse him, but he doesn’t see how Jericho is going to survive a Chicago Street Fight. He wants to assure Jericho that he’s not going to win because come Chicago, this is about Punk kicking his ass. Punk claims that he gets to now kick Jericho’s ass in front of his family, his father?! Jericho says to stop flexing the beer muscles and asks Punk to promise that he’ll appear at Extreme Rules sober. haha. He has some footage of where punk was earlier today, just before noon. We get a clip of Punk walking into a bar called The Pilot Inn. Then the angle changes and he’s walking out. Jericho wants to know what Punk was doing in a pub before the show. Was Punk drinking? Is he drunk right now? Punk offers a breath test for Jericho, if he would just come down and smell his breath. He claims that just because he doesn’t drink doesn’t mean his friends don’t. Jericho says that Punk is just making up stories, sounding like his father. This must be how his father started and Punk’s future is alcohol. Jericho asks if Punk liked the taste of beer and whiskey. Jericho says that Punk’s straight edge lifestyle has become a facade. His honor, his dignity and personal beliefs are gone, and come Extreme Rules, he’ll also lose his WWE Championship. Before Punk can retort, though, Jericho’s feed closes.

In the back, R-Truth is pulling off an interesting portrayal of Sherlock Holmes. Lil Jummy Watson is here as well, apparently. Nearby is Teddy Long, and Truth claims that tonight his job is to find Teddy a job. G’day.

Before Santino makes his way to the ring, he wears a variety of soccer jerseys, before ending on one of London’s teams. I haven’t the slightest clue who, but the shirt is pink.

Match 2: United States Championship Match:
Santino Marella vs. David Otunga
Lockup quickly, but Santino tries for a knee. Otunga sends Santino to the ropes and hits a bodyslam into a pin for 1..2..NO! Otunga with a cravat then starts dropping some fists onto Santino. A rope assisted knee drop then an elbow drop and a pin for 1…2..NO. Santion blocks a right hand and hits some rights. He splits, but Otunga sees it and kicks Santino in the face. Otunga with a Spinebuster and pins…horribly, but Santino reaches the rope with his foot. Otunga argues with the ref, so Santino gets some momentum behind him with his splits and head drop, before calling for the Cobra. He hits it and pins for 1…2…3!
Winner and STILL United States Champion: Santino Marella (*)
Otunga messed a pin…a PIN. Nothing to see here, folks.

In the back, Mathews is here to question Lord Tensai. His dude tries to talk, but Tensai stops him and speaks some Japanese. He says that we fear the unknown, and he knows what we should fear.

Next, a “controversial, brash and explosive interview!”

The interview starts with the fact that he’s “not a Superstar.” He’s an ass kicker. He says in high school, dominant. In college, dominant. Recruited by the WWE, dominant. They wanted him and needed him. He is the youngest WWE Champion ever. When he left the WWE, people doubted him, then he became the UFC Heavyweight Champ and proved everyone wrong. Why did he come back? This isn’t a feel good moment, this isn’t a missing of the fans. He doesn’t care about anyone but Brock Lesnar. This is strictly business. We need a gu to legitamize this company and Brock is that guy. We’re tired of John Cena’s bullshit. Cena is not the real guy, and the only reason why Cena is in the spot that he’s in is because Brock left. If he was still around, Cena would be carrying Brock’s bag. This is real, as proven by the blood in Cena’s mouth. What’s running through Cena’s mind? He doesn’t give a crap. What’s more important is what’s running down his leg. This isn’t a wrestling match on April 29th, it’s an Extreme Rules match. Brock is coming for a fight. He only gave Cena a little appetizer, and he hopes Cena liked the taste. He’s not a superstar, he’s an ass kicker, he is Brock Lesnar. What makes him happy? Beating people up.

Kane does his pyros before the match, so somethin fishy is going to happen here. Ryder is on the outside, he hops on the apron, and Kane just gives a big ass boot to Ryder, sending him to the outside. Kane goes out and sends Ryder across the announce table, then hits a hard right to the chin of Ryder. Kane sends Ryder back first to the apron’s edge, then hits a right before sending Ryder in the ring. Kane with a chokeslam.

Match 3: Zack Ryder vs. Kane
Obviously, shit didn’t go down as a match.
Winner: No Contest

Kane on the mic. He mentions the joyful family reunion on Smackdown that the Orton’s had. Way to treat Ryder like an afterthought…Kane claims that he expected Orton’s father to go down without a fight, but he didn’t expect it from Orton. Kane guesses it’s true what they say, “like father, like son.”

Backstage, Kofi is talking to Mrs. AJ Acero, attempting to give her a word of advice. Bryan is here and he hilariously says that just because he clearly doesn’t want her doesn’t mean it’s open season. He claims that when he puts Kofi in the LaBell Lock….wait, why is he calling it the LaBell Lock!? Instead, he will call it….the YES Lock! He starts a Yes chant in the freakin hallway and Kofi has trouble not smirking, as do I! He does it a good 20 times, continuing as Kofi walks away! Haha. Brilliant!

Next week, a THREE HOUR RAW! Oh….joy.

Cena brings up Johnny Laurinitis as the guy who is behind the guy. At Mania, Johnny Ace became the most powerful man in the WWE, and when you ask him about how he feels towards John Cena, he’d probably say “Cena Sucks.” It’s not the first time he heard it, so that’s fine. The problem is, when someone as powerful as Johnny Ace uses that authority to abuse and replace John Cena, there’s an issue. The sad part is that Johnny Ace isn’t even a man, he won’t fire Cena, he’d rather “legitamize” all of this. What does he do? He gets Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar, the man who the whole world thought was the most anticipated event in the company. Why? Because after a year of hearing Rock and Cena talk about “Entertainment” and “catchphrases.” Brock isn’t about that, though, he’s about destruction. Brock doesn’t care about how many people he wins over, Brock stands for pain and dominance and he claims that he stands for torture at Extreme Rules. On April 29, Cena steps into the ring with a man whose sole purpose on the planet is to end and replace Cena.

Cena claims he knows what Brock is and what he’s capable of, but he’s going to go to Extreme Rules and he’s going to fight. Fear can be overcome, time can heal wounds. If he’s walking into Chicago to get his ass kicked, he don’t care…he will fight. Johnny Ace’s eerily patriotic music hits, and out comes the man himself. He introduces himself in case you don’t know who he is. Ace says that although one era has ended, another one has begin. That era is “People Power.” He wants to give everyone a taste of what’s going to happen at Extreme Rules by putting him in an Extreme Rules match tonight. He also wants to remind Cena that next Monday there will be a contract signing. Ace won’t let us know who Cena’s opponent is tonight because this makes it more exciting. Sure, Ace….Sure.

We’re back, and Truth is in the backstage area. He walks by a secret compartment that looks like a book shelf. Bet you he wishes he had the Marauder’s Map…

Match 4: Kofi Kingston vs. Daniel Bryan
Bryan grabs the arm, suplexes Kofi over the head then screams YES! Kofi kicks him, and the crowd boos! haha. Bryan sends Kofi to the corner, and Bryan hits a dropkick in the corner. Bryan drops a knne to the face of Kofi. Then another. Bryan grabs the arm and drops it on his shoulder, then locks in a key lock. KHe wraps Kof’s arm around the rope then kicks him a couple of times before sending Kofi to the ropes and hitting a knee to the gut. Bryan covers for 1. Bryan pulls Kofi’s arm towards the mat then stomps it. Kofi with a hit to the gut of Bryan, and another, and one more, but Bryan knocks him down .Bryan drops a knee to the face of Kofi then gets in a wrist lock. Kofi is up, tho, and snapmoares Bryan to the mat. Some rope work ends with Kofi hitting a dropkick. He runs but Bryan sends Kofi to the outside. Bryan is on the apron, he goes for the running knee, but Kofi moves, goes up top and flies off the corner turnbuckle with a high cross body to the ground as we go to break.

We are back, and both men are in the ring. Kofi monkey flips Bryan. Kofi runs right into a drop toe hold and Kofi hits the turnbuckle face first. In the back, AJ is thinking about what I’m wearing. Bryan steps on Kofi’s head and screams YES. Bryan with some hard high kicks in the corner, each accentuated by a YES! He snapmares Kofi to the mat then kicks him in the back and rolls him over for a pin. 1…2..NO! Bryan from behind with a chinlock. Kofi slowly gets to his feet and hits some hands to the gut of Bryan, kicks, runs to the ropes, holds on, here comes the axe handles! Dropkick followed by a high clothesline. He’s calling for the Boom Drop. He hits it! Trouble in Paradise is a comin! Bryan is up. No!, Bryan ducks and goes for the Yes! Lock! Kofi hits the SOS. Pin for 1…2..NO! Bryan is sent in the corner. Kofi with some kicks, then a whip. Bryan revereses and runs right into Kofi’s swinging leg. Kofi tries to go up top quickly, Bryan is quicker, though, and hits Kofi. He goes up, looking for a Superplex. Kofi with a headbutt! Crossbody, but Bryan moves! Bryan with the YES! Lock!!!! Will Kingston tap out!?! YES! YES! YES!
Winner: Daniel Bryan (***)
Pretty solid match if you ask me…and if you’re reading, I’m going to go ahead and assumed you asked. The crowd tries hard to turn Bryan, but he holds strong to his heel tactics.

After the win, Bryan locks in the YES lock one more time before Sheamus comes flying out to stop him, sending Bryan up the ramp.

Match 5: Brodus Clay vs. Dolph Ziggler
Dolph fires with a dropkick right away, but Clay no sells it and hits a T-Bone. Brodus hits the ropes and Swagger tries to pull Dolph outside the ring. Brodus pulls both men in and headbutts Swagger as the ref calls for the bell.
Winner: Brodus Clay via DQ

Brodus send Dolph high in the air, then knocks him out of the ring. Vickie is on the apron, yelling, and she kicks Cameron down. Naomi follows her into the ring and Vickie turns right into the gyrating moves of one Funasaurus. She turns and Naomi pushes her, as she rolls out of the ring. Cameron is back with enough spunk to hit the splits as Dolph, Swagger and Vickie are sent back up the ramp.

In the back, Ace tells Otunga that if he focused more on his in ring career as much as he helped Ace, the sky is the limit. Eve comes back and asks Ace if they are going to meet. He offers her some time now.

Before we go to break, King and Cole share a memory or two about Cheif Jay Strongbow. We get a special look at the life and career of the man which is as good as any other great video package we’ve seen in the past.

Sherlock Truth is in the back with Teddy. He claims that he has found a job for Teddy, the General Manager of Smackdown. Teddy mentions that he was fired, der. Truth says he’s got 8 years experience, he’s a shoe-in. Teddy walks away.

Match 6: The Greath Khali and The Big Show vs. Epico and Primo (w/ Rosa Mendes)
This isn’t even funny…Epico and Khali to start. Epico with a go behind, but Khali sends him to the ropes and hits him in the head, then sends him to the corner and chops the chest. Abraham Washington comes out to the top of the ramp with an iPad, seemingly scouting. Khali chops Epico again, so Epico runs and tgs Primo in. Khali brings Primo in the hard way, whips Primo, and hits big boot. Primo rolls out as Khali lumbers away. Rosa calls for the titles and decides to leave with the champs. Big Show ain’t having it, though, and grabs both the tag champs, sending Primo in the ring to receive a chop, then Epico to receive the same. Show hits the Chokeslam, Khali hits the Punjabi Plunge. Both men pin and the ref counts for the 1…2…3
Winners: The Big Show and The Great Khali (NR)
Nevermind the fact that this probably should have been a DQ, considering Show’s interruption, Show dancing the way he did afterwards deducts any possible stars this match could have garnered. Considering the job they just did, I’d say someone needs their Colons cleansed…

Match 7: John Cena vs. Lord Tensai
Lock up is blocked, and Tensai hits a back elbow then sends Cena to the corner headfirst, followed by a kick to the head. Tesnai with an uppercut then a suplex, but Cena locks the legs. Cena with a suplex of his own. Tensai is up right away, though, and hits hard clothesline. Tensai with a kick then a whip to the corner. Cena is selling this like an ass beating of a life time. Tensai with a kick to the chest in the corner then tosses Cena to the opposite corner chest first. Tensai with a splash in the corner. Cena is sent to the outside and Tensai kicks Cena in the gut a few times. Cena is able to get a bit of offense but it’s short lived as Tensai sends him shoulder first into the stairs.Tensai is looking for a powerbomb of sorts, but Cena flips him over, then grabs the steels steps. He sends them right into the side of Tensai, and Albert goes down! Cena sends Albert in the ring, and Tensai’s little dude kicks Cena in the leg. Otunga is here to send Cena back in the ring and Tesnai hits a stalled Double Underhook slam and a pin for 1…2..NO! Tensai calls for a nerve pinch, and gets Cena from behind with a hard clinch on the shoulder. Cena is able to break it, but Tensai clotheslines Cena down. Tensai sends Cena to the corner and looks to crush him. Albert runs chest first into the corner, instead. Cena with a shoulderblock, another, one more and Tensai goes down, but gets right back up. Protobomb and Tensai shouldn’t be able to see him! But he does, and he’s up with a knife-edge chop to the neck of Cena. Albert hits the ropes then drops his ass on Cena’s gut and pins for 1…2…NO!

Tensai grabs the arm of Cena and leg drops it before twerking it back, hard, calling for the submission. Cena rolls out of it, though, and locks in the STF! Here comes Otunga, though, only for Cena to FU him after stalling enough to point at Johnny Ace. Cena turns right into Tensai spitting GREEN MIST to the face of Cena, and hits the Baldo Bomb for the 1….2….3!!!
Winner: Lord Tensai (**)
If this is what is deemed as “Extreme” then hopes for the PPV are low. It was nothing but a No DQ match. At the very least, Cena didn’t “defy the odds,” which shows some sort of vulnerability. The match lacked something, really.

End Show