The 411 Chikara Aniversario iPPV Review 6.10.2013

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June 2, 2013
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Gavin Loudspeaker came out to a HUGE reaction.

The Spectral Envoy (UltraMantis Black, Hallowicked, & Frightmare) vs. The Colony: Extreme Force (Arctic Rescue Ant, Missile Assault Ant, & Orbit Adventure Ant)
This is a battle between the 2012 King of Trios winners and the retrospective 2011 King of Trios winners. Wink declared that Colony Original are no longer the 2011 KoT winners, and that this Extreme Force version are now the champs in the records book. The Extreme Force also recently tried to unmask Frightmare. The Extreme Force may be military ants sent back in time for some unknown purpose. At the very least though, Wink is using them to be merch movers.

The Envoy were in complete control early on. Wicked and Mantis hit stereo tope suicidas. Frightmare then hit a corkscrew deadman suicida. Frightmare eventually got cut off and worked over. Wicked somehow ended up in the ring, and he then got worked over. Mantis saved Wicked from getting his mask removed, and Mantis was then worked over. Hashtag lucha tag match. Frightmare eventually tagged in and made a hot tag. Everyone did lots of movez. Eventually, Wicked got Orbit in the Chikara Special. Orbit tapped out!

This was a solid opener. The opening sequence where the Envoy just dominated everything was clearly the best part of the match to me. I enjoyed the rest of the match though, too.
Match Rating: **3/4

Dasher Hatfield vs. Delirious
This is the second straight Chikara iPPV where Dasher was in a last-minute added match. I think Dasher is one of the best in-ring talents in Chikara, and he is definitely one of my favorite wrestlers going today. Thus, for the second straight iPPV, I feel like Chikara is not taking advantage of his immense talent.

Dasher was in control early on. Delirious managed to drop Dasher on the ropes to cut him off. Cue heat segment. Dasher was eventually able to bait Delirious to the floor, but Delirious avoided an axe handle off the apron. Dasher went for an axe handle back in the ring, but Delirious blocked it. Delirious went for an axe handle, but Dasher blocked it. Dasher went for it again, and this time, he connected. Dasher hit a jackhammer. Dasher then hit a baseball slide and a tope suicida. Back in the ring, Delirious got an abdominal stretch. Dasher came back with an airplane spin neckbreaker: 1…2…NO! That was cool. The referee got distracted by Delirious. Kobald ran in and gave Dasher a spear. Delirious then hit Shadows Over Heck: 1…2…3.

This was a sound match in theory (Delirious keeps going after the ribs, and then the spear/Shadows Over Heck finish Dasher off), but the final product didn’t interest me much. I like Dasher a lot, but I’m not into Delirious at all right now (or for the last the five years…). Also, given the ending of this show, having a finish like this is especially lame. At the very least, Dasher’s selling of the ribs was so good that the crowd LOVED him after the match. He’s a professional.
Match Rating: **1/2

The Colony (Fire Ant, Green Ant, & assailANT) vs. The Devastation Corporation (Blaster McMassive, Max Shashmaster, & Flex Rumblecrunch w/ Sydney Bakabella)
The Corporation cost the Colony a shot at winning the 2013 Tag World Grand Prix.

The match started as a huge brawl. A tag match broke out. The Corporation worked over assailANT for a bit, but he quickly made it out of the ring. Green Ant hit a missile dropkick until he got cut off. He was then worked over until assailANT got back in the ring. Blaster killed him with a Black Hole Slam. Green Ant killed Blaster with a kick. Smashmaster killed Green Ant with a tombstone. Fire Ant got back in the match, but he was killed by McMassive and Rumblecrunch. Fire Ant then got worked over. Fire Ant hit a magnificent satellite DDT. The Corporation then got hit with a plancha from assailANT. Green Ant then hit his balcony diving crossbody. The crowd is HOT. Fire got catapulted onto Shashmaster. Green Ant and assailANT hit stereo tope suicidas. Bakabella attacked Green Ant. McMassive went to finish Green Ant, but Green Act kicked him in the face. Bakabella got on the apron again. The crowd called for a superkick. Green Ant obliged and kicked in Bakabella’s face. Green Ant then gave McMassive a superkick, a German, and he then locked in the Texas Cloverleaf…MCMASSIVE TAPPED OUT!

This was definitely one of my favorite Chikara matches since King of Trios 2012, and the match blew away (my admittedly very low) expectations. These are the types of matches I want from Chikara (or Wrestling Is, if need be).
Match Rating: ****

Amasis vs. Ophidian [Sarcophagus Match]
This feud officially kicked off at High Noon 2011 when Ophidian spat mist in his former partner’s face and took his mask. Amasis wouldn’t return for a full year. This is their first 1v1 contest in Chikara.

I’m not really into this feud. The match wasn’t doing anything for me early on. I don’t think a one on one brawl plays to either man’s strength. Ophidian went after Amasis’s right knee. They went near the Sarcophagus. They ended up standing in it at the same time. Neither man could win. Back in the ring, Amasis hit a spinebuster. Ophidian came back with a German and a powerbomb. Ophidian dominated the match for a bit. My attention faded several times. Amasis FINALLY came back with a DVD and a great 450 splash. Ophidian came back with Total Anarchy variation. Ophidian dragged Amasis back to the Sarcophagus. Amasis wouldn’t go into it though, and they ended up back in the ring. Ophidian hit some kicks, but Amasis came back. They struggled back up to the stairs. Ophidian then murderized him with an Egyptian Destroyer onto the Sarcophagus lid. Ophidian called for Kobald Kobald dragged Amasis to the ring and gave him a spear. Back on the ramp, Amasis back body dropped Kobald onto the stairs. Back in the ring, Ophidian tried to use hypnosis. It was apparently successful, and Ophidian compelled him back to the Sarcophagus. Bryce mentioned the match was 18 minutes in. It feels like thirty. Ophidian got Amasis in the Sarcophagus. Ophidian tried to close the lid, but it didn’t work. Wait, so…why did the hypnosis not work at the end or was he just playing along? Amasis pulled off Ophidian’s mask, but Ophidian had Amasis’s old mask on underneath. Ophidian asked to be killed. Amasis got him into the Sarcophagus. Amasis won.

This was not good. It was long and the crowd barely responded to any of it (at least compared to anything else on the show). These are two of the most fun performers in the history of Chikara, but this 18 month storyline put both in a position to fail. Hopefully, they go back to being a team in non-Chikara promotions. I miss the Osirian Portal being one of the most fun acts in wrestling.
Match Rating: **1/2

Matt DillonIcarus cut a HUGE babyface promo. I’ve never seen him cut a babyface promo. It was good. His hair? Less good. Eddie Kingston cut a heel promo. He said he would be the Grand Champion forever. Oddly prophetic.

Gavin Loudspeaker vs. Tim Donst (w/ Tim Donst’s Cadre of Fools [Jakob Hammermeier, Veronica, & Steve “The Turtle” Weiner]) [Hair vs. Hair]
This was not a story I cared about. Donst and the Sad Sacks cut some amusing promos though during their brief time as a stable.

I believe it was @podjohnnyringo who put it best: Gavin looks like a credible Johnny Yuma. Gavin not a nearfall with a schoolboy. Gavin then went for a stunner. It didn’t work, but Gavin then hit a GAVINRANA!!! Donst was befuddled. He promptly killed Gavin with a lariat. Donst got the heat. Gavin was eventually able to lock in a sleeper. Donst escaped, but Gavin came back with a submission. Donst reversed it into a backbreaker. Donst killed Gavin with a buckle bomb. Donst distracted the referee. Jakob got in the ring. He teased doing harm to Gavin. Jakob then SLUGGED Donst (who was sitting on the top rope). Gavin struggled to his feet. Gavin took forever, but he managed to get to the top rope and hit a superplex: 1…2…3!

The Turtle walked out on Donst after the match. Veronica then slapped him in the face. Donst didn’t struggle when Bryce shaved his head, and he actually took the razor to do most of it himself.

This was fantastic. As I said, I wasn’t into this feud at all, but this crowd was completely invested in everything. While the journey wasn’t especially satisfying, the ending almost completely justifies it. This is the best Donst match in Chikara in what seems like forever. Gavin did a great job in his only Chikara match (unless he’s competed under a mask in the past).
Match Rating: ***1/2

Derek Sabato was in the ring. He was wearing shorts that I never thought Derek Sabato would wear. Sabato was trying to reveal some secrets about Wink and Conrad Vavasseur. Whatever. Sabato was chased out of the ring. (This segment had the, presumably, unattended effect of getting people distracted by googling Sabato’s scoopz during the next match.)

3.0 (Shane Matthews & Scott Parker)© vs. Pieces of Hate (Jigsaw & The Shard) [Campeonatos de Parejas]
The Shard and Jigsaw have definitely been one of the few bright spots in an otherwise bleak year for Chikara/Wrestling Is.

Shard chokeslammed Parker onto Big Magic, which slowed down 3.0’s initial momentum. Magic then got caught with an enzuigiri from Jigsaw, and Shard then rolled him up: 1…2…3!

The Pieces of Hate were able to isolate Shane Matthews, and they got the heat on him for a while. They went after Magic’s injured ankle. Big Magic got his headscissors on both rudos, but Jigsaw prevented the hot tag. Eventually, Parker tagged in and made a big comeback. Parker hit Jigsaw with a Fisherman spinning neckbreaker for a nearfall. 3.0 managed to hit The Shard with The Sweet Taste of Professionalism: 1…2…3!

Third Fall. Parker got hit by a double stomp/Coast-to-Coast doubleteam move: 1…2…NO! Jigsaw gave Parker a Jig ‘n’ Tonic: 1…2…NO! Jigsaw got Rock Bottomed onto the apron. 3.0 hit Parker with the Hart Attack, and Big Magic then locked in the Boston Crab. Jigsaw went to break it up, but Magic hit a spear. The Shard came back with a thrust kick to Magic’s injured ankle. Jigsaw kicked Parker to the floor. Jigsaw then superkicked Magic! Shard got the ankle lock grapevined!!! Magic passed out and the referee called for the bell!

This was a really good tag team professional wrestling match. Both teams are good, and they worked a smart match that the fans responded really well to. Pieces of Hate were arguably the best part of 2013’s Chikara, and they deserved to finish the season as the champs. This match did not reinvent the wheel or set my world on fire, but everything about it worked.
Match Rating: ***1/2

Eddie Kingston© vs. Icarus [Chikara Grand Championship]
Icarus was wearing Marty Jannetty gear that covered his hideous back tattoo. Kingston came out to a mixed reaction. Upon his ring introduction, Kingston got a mostly negative reaction (but he definitely had his fans).

There was a chair reserved for Marty Jannetty, but he was not there. Eddie was in control early on, but Icarus came back with a headscissors takedown and a spear. Eddie then cut him off with a backbreaker. Icarus came back with a stunner variation. Icarus went for a tope suicida, but Eddie caught him with a strike as Icarus came through the ropes. Eddie was in control for a while after that. Icarus came back with a pedigree out of nowhere. Icarus struggled, but he then hit a Sliced Bread #2. The fans were chanting “BEST IN THE WORLD!” at Icarus. Awesome. Icarus got nearfalls with a variety of maneuvers. Icarus hit the Blu-Ray. Eddie had to grab the ropes to break up the pin. Kingston got a nearfall with a bridging Tiger suplex. Kingston caused an accidental ref bump, and he then gave Icarus the backfist. Eddie then got the chair that was reserved for Jannetty. Eddie then hit Icarus repeatedly with a chair. He followed it up with a Sliding D: 1…2…NO! Eddie then hit a saito suplex: 1…2…NO! Icarus then came back with a headscissors takedown and the CHIKARA SPECIAL!!! It looked like Eddie passed out. Condor Security ran in and took everyone out of the ring. Wink was yelling from the stage. The crowd was not pleased. The stage started to come down. Chikarason screamed out about seeing Archibald Peck. The last sentence uttered was by Dasher Hatfield: “He wasn’t even on the show, was he?”

I guess I need to comment on more than just the finish. Icarus and Eddie worked hard, told a fun a story, and they definitely got the crowd invested in the finish. It was all for naught though, as the non-finish completely overshadowed anything that happened beforehand.

As far as I understand (which is not far at all), the basic story of the finish is that Archibald Peck has caused multiple timelines to happen, and this has done some damage to the timelines or at least the main timeline. The Titor Group was aware of the damage, and apparently, they had determined that Eddie Kingston needed to stay Grand Champion. Thus, when it looked most possible that Icarus could win the belt, the Titor Group sent in Condor Security to end everything. Open the fragment gate.

Ok, I may have screwed up some of the details, but what I wrote (or some variation on it) is what likely happened. From a kayfabe perspective, this angle is essentially designed as a giant cliffhanger that has caused the entire promotion’s future to be in doubt. In reality, the promotion’s future is very much in doubt, and the exact future is probably only known by Mike Quackenbush. On one hand, if Chikara comes back, this was a potentially intriguing way to leave things. However, if Chikara never comes back (under the current name, etc) then this was rather deflating way to end things.

Chikara has been one of the most important wrestling brands over the last fifteen years. While the promotion has complicated and in-depth storylines that mostly just appeal to a niche audience, it has also provided an incredibly fun product that is accessible to all wrestling fans (that give them a chance). If this is truly the end for Chikara, this is a substantial loss for pro wrestling fans.

I also must say that if this is the end of Chikara, then I strongly object to how Quack has booked the last 18 months of the promotion. For a promotion that markets itself around the idea of “fun,” the booking for the last 18 months has seemingly handcuffed some of their most talented (i.e., fun) performers (Ophidian, Donst, Delirious, Jakob and Amasis immediately come to mind) and made them rather forgettable at best (and a drag to watch at worst). On top of that, the characters that haven’t been ruined, have been stuck in awful or boring storylines (the major exception being the fantastic Mr. Touchdown vs. Archibald Peck feud). Instead of spending the last 18 months celebrating all that is (and was) Chikara, a large number of fans were left stupefied and frustrated over and over again by the lack of interesting and entertaining things going on. While the promotion produced lots of good matches and some good shows, the overall landscape in Chikara has been quite dreary.

If Chikara returns, I’m sure there will be many fans that will applaud the genius of the booking and say the ends justify the means. Well, in my (meaningless) opinion, no matter what happens with Chikara going forward, I can’t imagine there will be a scenario that will make me think that ends justified 18 months of poor storytelling (e.g., GEKIDO), poor character development (e.g., Donst), and the overall lack of fun being caused by the storyline authority figure, Wink Vavasseur.

Chikara is the promotion that emphasized that storytelling can truly make every match mean something, and that fans of all ages can come together to enjoy a single promotion. Chikara provided some of my favorite moments, matches, wrestlers, promos, commentary, ring announcing, refereeing, and any other aspect of the pro wrestling business that you can possibly think of (looking at you, Billy Kumohara). I hope the promotion lives to see another day.

Wrestling Is just not the same without it (SEE WHAT I DID THERE!?!?? I MADE A FUNNY).

Oh, are you looking for a star rating for the main event? Sorry, you must leave this review now. Nope, you are not going to receive a customary satisfying conclusion to this. I’m too busy eating an apple. (I MADE A FUNNY AGAIN.)

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