wrestling / TV Reports
Tremendous Tirades 8.5.13: Monday Night Raw
Introduction
Hi kids, it’s Steve Cook filling in for the Bossman again this week. Y’all know the drill, the Tirade is not a traditional recap, but more of a free-flowing analysis of the show. Kind of like the Raw Thoughts I used to do in News From Cook’s Corner or stuff I’d post on Twitter but with ratings & whatnot. Completely uncensored, so put the women & children to bed before reading this one. This is a review, and Larry has entrusted me with reviewing the show all fair & balanced-like. Obviously I’m a fan or why in the blue hell would I have wasted the last nine years of my life writing about pro wrestling? I like the stuff, but when stuff ain’t right I’m gonna complain about it. It is what it is. I encourage discussion & even disagreement, in fact the more I get the more likely it is that Larry will continue posting my columns & podcasts.
~WWE MONDAY NIGHT RAW 8.5.13~
Daniel Bryan’s Corporate Makeover: Stephanie McMahon has not worn out her welcome with Green Bay just yet. I get it, it’s been years since she’s been featured on television and she’s an attractive lady. I was confused at what lifting weights had to do with a corporate makeover, but then I remembered that most WWE corporate people live in the gym. If you’ve been watching this stuff as long as I have, you probably remember the time Stone Cold Steve Austin had a corporate makeover. It was a seminal moment in the Attitude Era and was one of many segments that established Steve Austin as the ultimate hero of the people. It’s probably going to be impossible to recreate it. But damn if Vince McMahon & Daniel Bryan didn’t put their hearts into it & give it the old college try. Daniel’s speech about being a wrestler in comparison to John Cena being an entertaininer was the kind of stuff that people like me eat up with a spoon. Very passionate stuff & Daniel’s delivery was on point. Vince seems determined to build Bryan up as the antithesis of what he wants as WWE Champion. It reminds me of the interplay between Vince & Mick Foley, who Vince even mentioned in this segment. Wade Barrett made a special guest appearance as a barber, and Daniel’s refusal to have his beard shaved further established his character as his own man. Good stuff all around…the video could have been better, but the live stuff more than made up for it.
Rating (1-10): 8.5
Non-Title Match: Alberto Del Rio (w/Ricardo Rodriguez) vs. Rob Van Dam: Nice to see Ricardo back from his severe injury, whatever it was. RVD uses ADR’s bucket to get the win in a match that felt a lot shorter than it actually was. They sure worked a bunch of stuff in. ADR blames Ricardo for the loss and kicks his head off! He beats the man down with the bucket & tosses him out of the ring like yesterday’s garbage, then kills him with the ring steps. I guess we won’t be seeing Ricardo for quite awhile. I kind of got used to seeing ADR without Ricardo for the last month or so, so them splitting up doesn’t bother me. Ricardo seems to get good face reactions anyway & people tend to sympathize with him, so if you want Alberto to be an uber-hated dude getting rid of Ricardo is probably the way to go. The beatdown on Ricardo was pretty sick too, which always helps.
Rating (1-10): 7.5
Fun With A Briefcase: So it turns out that Cody Rhodes found Damien Sandow’s briefcase in the Gulf of Mexico. Damien tries to retrieve it, Cody ejects him from the ring & opens up the briefcase to reveal that the contract is in less than stellar shape. Dang. It’s like they were wondering “What’s the least interesting way we can go forward with this?” and went with the answer they came up with. On the bright side, Cody rocks a three-piece suit.
Rating (1-10): 5.0
Ryback vs. Mark Henry: Ryback decides to get counted out rather than deal with the Ravager of Worlds, so we’ve gone back to him being Cryback after a three-week intermission where he wrestled D-Bry & Cena & ran Jericho out of the company. Lame sauce. Remember when Ryback was getting pretty over as a face, to the point where some people (not me, but some people) were actually saying that Ryback could be WWE’s next top face? Yeah…not so much now. Not that I was looking forward to watching another Ryback vs. Mark Henry match…but c’mon son. We didn’t even get the Shield attacking Mark Henry after Ryback went away. Bad times.
Rating (1-10): 2.0
Cena Talky Time: Daniel Bryan isn’t the only one excited about this feud. John Cena brought his A game tonight as well. He’s got an ugly-ass elbow, he’s done everything in WWE, WWE is the best place ever & other places are irrelevant, and so on & so forth. I’m a little surprised he didn’t say anything about Daniel’s house. Randy Orton comes out to remind Cena that he has the MITB briefcase, then the Shield comes down to the ring. Bryan comes down to even the score, and Brad Maddox comes out to make a Raw main event. I can dig it.
Rating (1-10): 7.5
Tons of Funk (w/Funkadactyls) vs. The Wyatt Family (w/Bray Wyatt): Rowan & Harper dispose of Brodus & Sweet T in short order, as you’d expect. Bray cuts a promo wondering where Kane is, then Kane appears on the TitanTron. He promises a ring of fire! Bray seems excited. If it’s an inferno match…well, those were interesting visual spectacles. Not a whole lot to this, but I am interested to see whether Kane will destroy the Wyatts or in fact join the Wyatts, as some have theorized.
Rating (1-10): 6.0
Kaitlyn vs. Layla: I’m ok with Layla turning heel. She’s better in the ring as one, and it’s not like she was doing a heck of a lot of anything for the past year or so. The crowd woke up when AJ Lee came out, and she caused Kaitlyn to lose. AJ & Layla skipped around. AJ has pigtails. This was a thing and it was here.
Rating (1-10): 5.0
Christian vs. Heath Slater (w/3MB): Remember when Christian was Heath’s Pro on NXT? I wish announcers would bring stuff like that up…even if they don’t mention NXT they could say that Christian was a mentor of Heath’s and it’d add to the match for the viewer. Without that knowledge this match is just Christian vs. a jobber that nobody cares about. That’s the kind of stuff that grinds my gears…your mileage might vary. Decent enough but nothing to write home about.
Rating (1-10): 6.0
CM Punk vs. Curtis Axel (w/Paul Heyman): I like how Punk is so antsy to get at Paul Heyman that he doesn’t wait for Axel to make his entrance. Little things like that make Punk stand out from the pack…but then he grosses me out by missing the Mr. Perfect gum swat then putting the gum back in his mouth. That can’t be sanitary. Punk & Axel have a perfectly acceptable wrestling match, then Punk gets his hands on Heyman so it’s time for BROCK SMASH! Punk & Lesnar have some good back & forth before Lesnar finally F-5s Punk & wears him out with a chair. Man, this is gonna be a hell of a SummerSlam match. August 18 can’t get here quick enough.
Rating (1-10): 8.0
Fandango vs. Kofi Kingston: I can’t be the only person that didn’t notice Kofi was gone, but apparently he’s back. Fandango has settled into the mid-card comedy jobber role quite nicely, but I can’t help but think there’s something more there. With Kofi, you pretty much know what he is. So I wouldn’t have used Fandango as Kofi’s return opponent, but whatevs.
Rating (1-10): 6.0
Real Americans (w/Zeb Colter) vs. The Usos: I was about to note how over the Usos were in Green Bay, but it turned out the fans were cheering for the Packers. Whoever they are. I figured the Usos would be going over here, but Cesaro & Swagger actually got the win. Part of me digs it because Cesaro is awesome in the ring and I like the Zeb Colter gimmick more than most people do, but the drawback is that the Usos were pretty hot as tag title challengers & stepping back into a feud with these guys probably means they won’t be champs anytime soon. Will the people care when it’s the Usos’ time?
Rating (1-10): 6.5
Dolph Ziggler vs. Big E Langston (w/AJ Lee): Kaitlyn comes down to fight AJ Lee, but somehow them in the ring doesn’t end the match & Big E hits the Big Ending for the 1-2-3. Not very consistent officiating considering the Punk/Axel match was waved off when Punk got a hand on Paul Heyman. So this continues the build to what presumably will be Dolph/Kaitlyn vs. E/AJ at SummerSlam. I don’t hate it, but the chemistry between Ziggy & Biggie needs a little work.
Rating (1-10): 6.0
Daniel Bryan, Randy Orton & John Cena vs. The Shield: So the match was your typical Shield match. Good times. But the important part came after the match when Orton delivered the RKO to Bryan & Cena, then teased using the MITB briefcase. Then the Shield came back down & Orton decided not to do it. Not sure why the Shield prevented Orton from using the briefcase, but that’s exactly what they did. That part of the story’s kind of weak, but the point being made by the announcers was that RANDY ORTON DOESN’T CARE ABOUT JOHN CENA & DANIEL BRYAN! Well, duh? The match wasn’t long enough to get overly excited about, but it was a perfectly fine main event and people that were worried about the Shield need not worry. WWE still likes them.
Rating (1-10): 8.0
Some parts of the show were really damn good & worked well. The Daniel Bryan makeover was a good segment, Alberto’s turn on Ricardo was a real good piece of business & the Punk/Axel/Brock stuff furthered their issue. The main event did a good enough job of putting the Shield back where they belong & teasing Orton using the magic briefcase. Unfortunately there was a lot of other stuff that was either just there or took away from the program and made it tough for me to care too much. That’s kind of been the story of WWE for the past few years, at least for me anyway. The pieces are there & sometimes things work brilliantly…but then there’s a bunch of other stuff taking up too much time. I noticed a conversation in the comments last week that kind of goes along with what I’m saying here…WWE doesn’t do a good enough job of making stuff seem important. Christian vs. Heath Slater may have been pushing it, but they definitely could have done better with Kane vs. Daniel Bryan last week. They could easily use character histories to give this stuff context, but it seems like they fall into the trap of “if it didn’t happen last week nobody cares” way too often. They’re trying with the Team Rhodes Scholars feud, but I think a lot of that is because they realized they didn’t build the guys up enough while they were actually a team. I’m going with 7.0 on the rating because I feel the show was decent enough, but didn’t get to the next level of being something special. I think Raws are destined to not do awesome on the 411 scale because you have to take all three hours into account and it seems almost impossible to have a three hour Raw where everything is on point. Even the Raws back in the heyday had a lot of downtime. Show Rating: 7.0 As a reminder, I will be going by the 411 scale… 0 – 0.9: Torture The final rating is not simply an average of the rated segments above. The rating takes them into account as well as the segments that are small but not scored, the flow of the show, the overall booking, build to PPV, crowd reactions, and so on and so forth. |
Steve Cook is a Gemini and enjoys drinking the occasional alcoholic beverage or nine, long walks on the beach, objectifying women and winning fantasy football championships. He graduated from the University of Louisville in 2006 & has a B.S. in Political Science with a concentration in Law & Public Policy. He has been a wrestling fan since 1990 and has been writing for 411 since August 14th, 2004; contributing nothing but headaches & utter frickin‘ chaos to the site. He is the last of a dying breed.
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