411’s Total Divas AFTER PARTY Report 09.15.13

. . . wait a minute, what the shit is this?

I just got done celebrating the end of Total Divas (for the time being), and now there’s MORE of the show coming on immediately following the episode? You mean they’re doing a “reunion show” style special for Total Divas? I’m going to have to recap this, aren’t I, Csonka?

Wait, why is Larry Csonka a floating head in a tube?

Oh well, makes as much sense as most of the crap on this show.

Here we go. The cast of the show is on set along with host Rene Young, and we’re told that their men are backstage to be brought back later in the show, along with a special MYSTERY GUEST~! I hope it’s Rick Steiner dressed as a bumblebee, a la WCW in 2001.

We begin by talking about the Eva Marie/JoJo jealousy storyline. They show “extended footage” of their second confrontation between this past episode and, by “extended,” they mean that it’s probably about two seconds longer than what actually aired. Eva refers to JoJo as a child that she has to take care of on the road, and there’s some really weird microphone feedback that doesn’t belong on a production of this level. Nikki Bella interjects and says the two rookies are probably competing for one spot on the roster, then says she and her sister wouldn’t be friends if they weren’t related. Such a charming woman.

We hop to Nattie, and Rene wants to ask her about the Jaret situation. They make comparisons to wrestling and sex, and Nattie admits that she liked her attention from Jaret while going through a rough patch with TJ. Trinity theorizes that what happened with Jaret might have been a net positive, as it made her relationship with TJ all the stronger. Have you figured out who that mystery guest is yet?

TJ is brought out and tells us that Jaret does not know how to wrestle and couldn’t have taught Nattie a thing. (Technically he did wrestle, but I can’t imagine him teaching her anything given who her family is.) Nattie and TJ verbally recap the entire Jaret situation, and . . . before it goes anywhere, Rene throws to Ariane to talk about her health.

Ariane gives no answer about what she was diagnosed with but says that there are problems with her “womanly functions” that we’ll learn more about on later episodes. She says she may not be able to have children, which frankly I consider to be a good thing, particularly if she’s going to be having them with Vinnie . . . who she notes that she’s back together with.

Serious medical issues are apparently boring, because Rene says what we should really be talking about is CLOTHES! Yay, girly stuff! They recap the ‘Dactyls’ wardrobe malfunctions from the season, and Ariane gets both of her catchphrases in. Apparently STONE COLD SEAMSTRESS SANDRA~! is in the audience, and Rene asks her for fashion advice in wrestling. Sandra says that you don’t need to be showing everything all the time, because sometimes after you’ve had cake for a while you want a little cookie, which I’m assuming is a reference to the euphemism that Trinity used for her vagina on an earlier episode. Vaginal euphemism callbacks. That sounds like the title for an electronica album. Sandra calls Nikki Bella out for having outfits that are too revealing, which comes off like Sandra trying to book herself into a feud with the show’s top heel for upcoming episodes. Damn, shes’ been around wrestling for so long that she’s started to develop a real mind for it.

After a commercial, we talk about Brie’s drunken exploits in Las Vegas. You know, the episode where she got so drunk that she was able to dispense sage advice to Nattie. Rene says Bryan Danielson recently became the “world champion.” People lambaste me all the time for confusing the WWE Title and the World Title, so I hope Rene also gets some angry nerd hate mail for this one. We throw to a clip from the upcoming episodes of Total Divas in which Brie tells Danielson that she feels like she’s been moved down his list of priorities. Yeah, during those three minutes of his title reign, I’m sure that she felt like she was a second class citizen.

We also talk about Danielson’s beard, and Nikki claims Brie “likes to be tickled.” Yikes. I wonder if that’s reciprocal. Ew.

They bring out “Jon Uso,” which I think is the first time they’ve referred to him as such during the show. (I’ve been calling him that in the recaps as a bit of a gag based on the weird mix of shoot and worked names the show uses.) What’s so difficult about calling him either Jimmy Uso or Jon Fatu? Anyway, Jon does an impression of Nikki Bella walking on crutches. Yup.

Here comes John Cena. He kisses his woman, and they acknowledge his elbow injury, which hasn’t yet occurred in the Total Divas continuity. In response to a question from Rene, he decisively says that he will not be proposing to Nikki. Despite her actions earlier in the series, she is apparently Totally OK with this. Cena also takes a few seconds to apologize to Nattie for missing her wedding and then transitions to putting over the women’s division and refers to the Total Divas cast members as “pioneers” for being the first people in professional wrestling to put what happens behind the scenes out in front for the fans. Yes, I put Ariane right up there with Dave Meltzer in terms of breaking down the doors of kayfabe.

After the commercial, JARET IS HERE as your so-called “mystery” guest. Everybody in the audience, including Stone Cold Sandra, boos him. He says it was never his intention to steal Nattie away from TJ, but he wanted to tell her he had feelings for her. Yeah, that’s something that men do all the time, just clearing the air about their emotions without actually wanting to act on them. The Bellas try to stir the pot but saying that Jaret wants to have sex with Nattie and harping on a comment that he made about TJ not being as attentive to her sexual needs as he could have been. They do this despite the fact that Brie was the one who gave Nattie the advice in Vegas that presumably kept her relationship with TJ together and despite the fact that Nattie was referring to Nikki as her best friend on the episode that just went off the air twenty-five minutes ago. Can somebody PLEASE pick a relationship for these characters to have and stick with it?

After more commercials, we get some clips of upcoming episodes. They’re too vague to be of any value, though it’s worth noting that, despite more teasing on this reunion special, it doesn’t look like the Jaret story gets any follow-up at all.

Overall: This show was worthless. There was no new information given about anything that happened in any prior episodes of the series, and there were probably only about thirty seconds of information given about what would be happening in the upcoming episodes. They touched on almost every major storyline of the show, but, given the fact that the show was only half an hour long, all of them got virtually no coverage. I have no idea why anybody would want to tune into this show, aside from the fact that they might be too lazy to immediately flip their television off of E! when the main episode came to an end . . . like me.

Okay, NOW I get to say goodbye to Total Divas for two months. Hip hop hooray.

Girl, bye.

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