411’s Total Divas Report 11.11.13

Do you like Ryan’s exasperated ranting about Total Divas? If so, check out his exasperated ranting about numerous other wrestling-related topics on Twitter.

And, against my better judgment, we are back.

For those of you who aren’t quite sure how we got here, the first run of Total Divas episodes was a smashing ratings success. Thus, only a few episodes into the original run, a second small order of episodes was made, and now we’re back for Season 2 . . .or the second half of Season 1 . . . or Season 1.5 . . . or whatever you want to call this. Hell, the episode hasn’t even started yet and already the production is being done in such a way that I’m not entirely sure what is going on.

Anyway, because the show has returned, I have also returned. However, for those of you who have read these reviews regularly, I have to give you a bit of forewarning: Total Divas is now up against first run episodes of The Walking Dead/Talking Dead, and I’m not missing the first airing of those in order to catalog the storyline inconsistencies of Ariane Andrew’s sex life. In other words, the reviews might be coming a little bit later than they were during the first run.

With that disclaimer out of the way, let’s see what the Total Divas have up their Stone Cold Seamstress Sandra sewn sleeves.

We open with a recap of some items from the last run of episodes, including: the general concept of the show, the newbies, the Funkadactyls fighting, and Nikki Bella’s “career ending” stress fracture.

Most of the cast is gathered for dinner or lunch or whatever. Trinity says they don’t get many opportunities to talk, despite the fact that that they ate together at least twice per episode during the last run. Eva tells us she’s going to be doing a Maxim autograph signing based on her photo shoot from several episodes back. This causes Nattie Neidhart to comment that Eva Marie is a “bit of a hooch.” When you’re looking for a desperate attempt to revive mid-1990s slang terms, look no further than Natalya. After that, the Bellas get catty about how they were on the cover of Maxim Espanol, which is available in more countries than the English-language version. They also have to explain to Eva Marie what the word “Espanol” means. When you’re getting vocabulary lessons from the Bellas, you know you’re in trouble.

After a micro theme song, the Dactyls and their pet Uso are on the way to a Raw taping. Ariane develops some road rage and lays on the horn for a solid minute. When a vehicle stops in front of her, she gets out of the car and begins swearing at the driver, eventually throwing an iced mocha at the dude and yelling “Boy, bye!” At least she wasn’t so angry that she forgot to hit her catchphrase. Also, I don’t care how many Samoans you’ve got in the back seat, pulling that shit is not smart. Plus, memo to WWE: It’s probably not a good idea to portray the woman who has had real life vehicular issues (i.e. a DUI) as having vehicular issues in your worked storylines. It doesn’t exactly help her reputation, ya know?

This does, however, lead to the first truly witty line of the season when Trinity refers to Ariane as “Girl, bi . . . polar.”

Backstage at Raw, Eva Marie is reading RUMORZ ON THE INTERNET~! about how she might be paired with John Cena on camera. Of course, she immediately tells the Bellas about this. I don’t recall ever reading about this rumor, and I write for 411mania, dammit. What kind of third-string gossip sites is Eva dealing with here? Gerweck.net? RajahWWF.com?

Trinity and Nattie are having a singles match on this particular episode of Raw (or whatever c-show they were taping before Raw, more accurately) and they actually get a clip of Nattie asking Trinity to “go over” the match backstage. Also, a kid is shown in a crowd shot wearing an El Generico mask. When did this show get so inside?

During the match, Trinity hits Nattie in the stomach and . . . it causes Natalya to piss her pants or, as she says it, “tinkle.” Jesus, we’re beyond mid-1990s slang at this point. I don’t think I’ve ever heard anybody past my grandmother use the word “tinkle.” In any event, there is no visible evidence whatsoever that Nattie has done this deed, but she still sells being embarrassed and runs back to the locker room post-match.

After a commercial, Nattie says she peed herself in front of 10,000 people and “the rest of the world watching on TV.” Given that you’re wrestling on Superstars, Main Event, Jakked or whatever they’re calling the d-show these days, I think you’re dealing with an audience closer to 75 people than “the rest of the world.” Anyway, Nattie takes a shower and they blur her supposedly pissy tights.

We cut to Nikki Bella and John Cena, and Nikki reports the rumor of Nattie peeing herself to her boyfriend. Cena owns up to the fact that he once pooped himself during a match in Saskatchewan. Not kidding. Cena in this scene reminds me of Adam Sandler trying to convince elementary school children that pissing your pants is cool in Billy Madison. In fact, I’m surprised he didn’t crap himself again right there in order to further prove the point.

Hey, remember that nasty, massive ball of fluid that Cena showed off before he went away to get his surgery? (Not to be confused with the nasty, massive ball of fluid in Nattie’s pants.) Nikki points that out, and they talk about how strange it is and how Cena should probably have a trainer check that out.

We’re at a hotel or a conference center or something, and the divas meet with Talent Relations Jane and her Creepy Underboss about the plan the “creative team” has for Summerslam. It’s apparently going to be Nattie vs. Brie with the Funkadactyls and Nikki/Eva Marie in the corners. Nattie is also working the red carpet Summerslam party, which she is disappointed with. Seriously? They did that exact same storyline the last season with Wrestlemania.

At the red carpet event, Alicia Fox tells Nattie that it’s okay to pee your pants sometimes. Nattie says that she’s pissed off at Trinity for kicking her so hard, and Alicia begins laughing at the intentional unintentional pun in the most ridiculously fake manner possible. Nattie walks off in a huff.

Also, John Cena gets a mysterious text message and leaves Nikki for dead. Uh oh. The last time somebody got a mysterious text message before Summerslam, it resulted in Kevin Nash returning to the company . . . and nobody wants to see that again.

Ariane’s boyfriend Vincent is also on the red carpet, and he is acting like a Total Moron as per usual. Ariane has also brought her mother with her, and she looks exactly like what you would expect Ariane’s mother to look like. Eventually Ariane blows up on her man, telling him at least fifty times in the span of ten seconds that they’re trying to have “girl time.”

Also, Daniel Bryan is there. The way his hair is done, he looks one kippah short of being a Hasid.

After the break, Trinity refers to Ariane as “boisterous.” I think you were more on the mark earlier with “Girl, bipolar.” Trinity care-fronts Ariane about how to better handle her boyfriend, and she’s actually making some pretty good points, even though the last time they fought, she was the one who flew off the handle and got physical with Ariane. Eventually, Trinity tells her in the most polite way possible that she needs therapy. That is the correct answer.

The next day, the Bella Twins meet up and talk about Cena’s mysterious disappearance last night. What, Nikki didn’t share a hotel room with him? She didn’t see him at all later in the evening despite the fact that this party apparently went on for several hours? Then the conversation turns to much more pressing matters: Brie’s dog peeing in some flowers. If only those flowers were around during the Nattie/Trinity match, we wouldn’t have that bit of a problem.

We’re off to another autograph signing, and Eva vapidly talks about the fact that she feels she’s more popular than the Bellas. Fans ask Nattie about her pissing her pants. Jesus. Even if more than five people saw that match, THERE WAS NO ACTUAL INDICATION THAT SHE PEED.

Now for something completely different. The Bellas and Daniel Bryan go to a recording studio because they have received roles in the new Flinstones animated movie. You can’t make things like that up. They talk about sharting for a while, and, if you don’t know what that is, don’t ask. Let’s just say it’s the next natural progression in Nattie’s current storyline. The topic of conversation then turns to Eva Marie, speaking of natural progressions from sharting. The Bellas feel Eva is going to take one of their spots, because, you know, if there’s one person who has to fear for the security of their spot, it’s JOHN CENA’S GIRLFRIEND. Eva Marie is more likely to be taking Daniel Bryan’s spot than Nikki Bella’s, assuming that Nikki and Cena remain on good terms.

After another break, we shoot over to Ariane’s mother’s house, where house, where she and her daughter have a heart-to-heart over some wine. Arimommy tells her child to work on her anger issues. Ariane responds by saying she grew up in a dysfunctional household thanks to her stepfather . . . and, indirectly, her mother. So Ariane goes to her mother’s house to talk about working on her flaws, and then she manages to manipulate everything so that, instead of actually being introspective, she gets to blame everything on her mother and criticize her parenting. Forget bipolar, this is some straight up sociopathic B.S.

Over at the WWE hotel, TJ Wilson and Nattie are talking about her Summerslam match. She’s upset because the last match she had was the piss-fest. She says this to her new husband who, at the time the episode was being shot, was in the middle of sitting out for over a year with a horrific knee injury. Yeah, I’m sure he’s really sympathetic about your little problem that could be fixed with a pair of Depends. Where’s Lisa Rinna when you need her?

Instead of pointing that fact out to her, TJ instead tells her to just focus on doing the best she can in the upcoming match. Nattie eventually realizes that she does tend to blow things out of proportion. Girl, the entire premise of this television series is women blowing things out of proportion. You’re just doing what brings in the ratings.

The Funkadactyls, Vinnie, and Jon Uso have champagne on a random high rise rooftop, which was orchestrated by Ariane to apologize to Vincent for going off on him. Also on the rooftop was Jerry Tuite and, from seven miles away, Hulk Hogan pointed at him and exclaimed, “It’s the Wall, brother!” Ariane does apologize, Vinnie accepts, and victorious music plays in the background as though some long-running storyline has been resolved despite the fact that this whole thing has really only been building for about twenty minutes.

Now we’re at Summerslam. Nikki asks John Cena about his recent behavior, and his text that fateful evening was from his doctor, informing him about his torn triceps. He says that he’s going to be on the shelf for six months, which he reports as being a serious life change. They sure killed that storyline before it could even get going. Nikki concludes their conversation by telling John to play it safe and not try to be Superman. There are probably already five billion tongue in cheek comments about that line on the internet, so I’m just going to walk away from it for fear of duplicating that which has already been done.

The event starts, and little JoJo sings the national anthem, which I’m surprised wasn’t turned into a storyline of some sort for the series. We immediately jump from that to Nattie vs. Brie, and a highlight reel of the match is shown. Nattie in a voiceover calls it one of the best matches of her career which . . . ugh . . . I don’t even know when to begin. She also managed not to keep her pants dry during the match, which I believe means that she gets to put a very special sticker on the calendar next to the potty.

Backstage, Eva and the Bellas get catty with one another in front of the Bellas’ mother. Eva Marie hits her line from all of the promos for this season, which is “You say Bellas gonna ball, well, I think Bellas gonna fall.” That one is stupid on many levels, most notably because that wasn’t even an established Bella catchphrase . . . it was one thing that they said one time that wasn’t even particularly memorable. Eva also makes a comment about how many fans were carrying signs for her, and, when the Bellas point out that nobody cares, their mother says, “that’s the difference between rookies and veterans.” Ah yes, professional wrestling analysis from noted industry leader, Kathy Bella.

Brie eventually tells Nikki to forget about the Eva Marie issue because, when Eva gets into her head, Eva wins. That’s a fair point, but, if that one throwaway line is the blowoff to the Bella vs. Eva Marie storyline that has been building literally since this show began, everybody’s time has been horrifically wasted.

With that, they start watching the John Cena vs. Bryan Danielson WWE Title match, and they discuss the fact that, when Cena powerbombs Danielson, Danielson’s penis has to be touching Cena’s nose. Glad to see that, after being “veterans” of seven years in the pro wrestling industry, that is still how Brie and Nikki think of fairly basic offensive moves.

As we all know, Bryan eventually wins the WWE Championship, and Brie puts over all of his hard work throughout his career. Yes, we all remember how Daniel Bryan won the WWE Championship and how absolutely nothing else happened at Summerslam . . . at least that’s how this episode of Total Divas left it.

Nikki also gets in a quick line about how John Cena’s injury may have been aggravated and how it may affect the rest of his career. We cut away right then and there, which I’m guessing is our cliffhanger for next week . . . or it would be, anyway, if anybody putting this show together had the slightest clue about how to build a storyline.

Overall: Total Divas had a several week hiatus and, upon its return, it has picked up literally exactly where it left off. I was highly critical of the show for several reasons during its initial run, and all of those criticisms are applicable to this new episode. I’m not saying that because I expected the show to change in a significant way (particularly in light of the fact that it did fairly well with viewers) but rather because I want to give those of you who may not have watched the show a sense of how the episode unfolded.

Rather than rehashing the old criticisms, I would like to make a couple of new ones that are applicable specifically to this episode. First, even though there have only been a dozen episodes previously, it seems like Total Divas is running low on ideas and starting to repeat things. The Ariane/Vincent storyline was a virtual carbon copy of what we’ve seen before on the show with no real progression or development of the characters, and you could say the same about Nattie’s chagrin over being asked to work the red carpet. The show is bad enough as is but, if it continues to be this repetitive, it’s going to be dreadful on a whole new level. Second, it felt like the entire episode was based around peeing and pooping. We had Nattie’s urine-centric storyline, Cena’s talk of pooping himself, the Bellas watching their dog eliminate, and then conversations about sharting. I’m not a prude when it comes to these things, but the weird fixation on bodily functions exhibited here made it seem like the show was put together by somebody who is in the middle of being toilet trained.

Be sure to join us next week, when the main storyline will probably be about tampons or something.

Do you like Ryan’s exasperated ranting about Total Divas? If so, check out his exasperated ranting about numerous other wrestling-related topics on Twitter.