411's WWF Jakked Report 01.20.02
Posted by Pat Brower on 01.20.2002
Wow, I almost sent this in with no introduction! We can’t have that—I have a reputation to keep for God’s sake! So prepare to gaze with bleary-eyed wonder on this hackneyed, ramshackle cluster of words that I cram together into barely intelligible recaps of matches that you didn’t see. But you didn’t see them so I can pretty much say whatever I want, right? Oh yeah? Bet me.
What is wrong with Chicago’s sports teams? And I don’t just mean the Bears.
Once again I am the victim of an unannounced schedule change for Jakked!
Here is a little insight into the way I do this here Report. I’m a busy guy
and Jakked is usually on WCIU, channel 26 (channel 10 on your cable box) at
8:00pm Saturday night. If I happen to be home, I watch it then, but I’m
usually out. So I tape it and do the Report in the wee hours of the
morning. Whenever I get home, I check the tape, because if it isn’t on at
8:00, that means it’s bumped to 4:00am. Cut to tonight as I’m leaving the
house just after 7:00pm, when Metal is usually on. I turn the TV on to
check and I see, once again, Northwestern basketball. Fine, I’ll catch it
at 4am. Uh, no, I won’t. It seems that Jakked was on early Saturday
afternoon this week. The TV Guide never shows the change. My cable system
(non-digital) only has the schedule for two hours at a time, so I am once
again writing this report without having seen Jakked. And so for the second
time in this new year, I proudly present you with a recap of WWF Metal.
Which I also didn’t see, but that’s a whole other story…
Kevin Kelly. Coach. The Royal Rumble this Sunday! Let’s just talk about
that rather than this match, okay? Well, that’s what the announcers do.
Match #1: Sho Funaki v. Michael Shane
Prediction: Wow, it looks like Funaki gets to win one for a change.
They lock up, collar and elbow style. As Tom Billington taught us, always
lock up to the left. Funaki ducks under and goes behind, but Michael knows
that game too well so he reverses that into a power slam. A very early
cover for a Metal match and Funaki kicks right out, as he should. This
match is all you, Sho! The action is so fast and furious that both men wind
up outside the ring. Stop! This be the path to madness! Sho attempts to
crotch Shane on the ringpost but to no avail. So they head back inside.
Funaki, as if he’s not used to calling his own match, decides to go to work
on Shane’s knees, alternately. As he does so, Shane hooks in a small
package, but it will obviously take a bigger package than that as Funaki
breaks it up immediately. To teach him a lesson, Funaki goes right back to
the knee, like Crash Holly to a headlock. Michael tries to inziguri his way
out, but the relentless Funaki will not let go of the knee. Funaki then
turns his vicious knee attack into a double leg lock. Shane, like a sissy
girl, just slaps his way out. Funaki goes back to the knee, but it looks to
be his undoing as Michael is ready for him and actually connects with the
inziguri this time. Of all moves to follow that up with, Michael chooses a
clothesline and then a suplex into a cover. Nah, Funaki is made of tougher
stuff than that and he’s out at the count of two. As if he hasn’t yet
learned that Shane is on to him, Funaki attempts to go for the leg one last
time. Michael thinks with his feet and he kicks Funaki back away and takes
him to Kevin Kelly’s high rent district (the top rope). What move will
Shane go for now? Doesn’t matter. Funaki comes from nowhere with a DDT.
Winner: Funaki (Pat 1-0)
P.S. Why the hell is Funaki not in the Rumble???
Say, what’s a WWF syndicated show without Chris Leary? I’ll never get the
chance to find out, but the WWF is coming back to Chicago for RAW, next
month! And I’ll watch it all, too, right from my living room.
Shameless Merchandise Tie-In Slam of the Week: Vince McMahon v. Ric Flair?
According to Mr. McMahon, the outcome is a lead pipe cinch. And Flair gets
his skull dented.
And to tie in with this week’s Slam, we get a Nature Boy recap as he uses
his power to call for a street fight. And to quote Lizzy Borden, there will
be blood tonight! As if Flair can afford to lose anymore. It’s a street
fight right? So you want McMahon to be able to have help and not be
disqualified, that’s what you’re saying?
Match #2: Perry Saturn v. Eddie Kraven
Now, this match has several elements that are discussed in this week’s
Reader Roundup, later in the Report. First of all, to Deadly Dal’s chagrin,
it’s another Saturn match. Secondly, I am deliberately misspelling his
name. Unlike Low-Ki from last week, this week I choose to call Craven,
Kraven, as in Kraven the Hunter. So don’t be confused if I actually call
him the Hunter in the match.
Lock up? Saturn says no as he goes right after Kraven. Ever watched a
Saturn match? Well then you’ve seen this one, too. Kraven actually gets in
an early dropkick, but Perry tosses him out of the ring for his effort.
Perry follows him out and introduces Kraven’s back to the steeeeellll steps.
Take that you, bad, bad, wicked, evil, naughty steps! Saturn rolls him
back in and goes for the cover, but Kraven is out at the count of two. Make
him cry, Saturn! Shoot! Shoot! Kraven hunts back with a roll-up but
Saturn busts loose almost immediately. I am Perry Saturn and I do not like
you, so I will kick you several times in the chest and stomach very hard.
You will have so many bruises that you will look like a UFC fighter
tomorrow. Tha-wack! INSTANT CONTEST TIME! I will have some sort of prize
for the person who gives me the best-written explanation of an STF. It must
be brief but descriptive and easily pictured in your mind. The one I like
the best I will use whenever I need to. No, that is not the prize, but
there will be one. So if you couldn’t guess, Saturn locks up an STF on our
Hunter friend. Head-butts to the stomach by Saturn which I now realize,
after calling it a ram for weeks now, that it’s a battering ram. Body slam
in the corner by Saturn and he goes for the Vader splash, but Karven gets
his knees up. Saturn is down so Kraven goes up and comes down with a flying
cross body, but Saturn kicks out of the cover. Saturn is up and out and
Kraven is down and locked in the Rings of Saturn.
Winner: Perry Saturn (Pat 2-0)
Shamefully Sponsored WWF Rewind: If Duane Johnson was in the WWA, Bret Hart
would not consider this a win, but we see Y2J tap out to the Rock’s
And right into a recap of SmackDown! where the Rock admits that yes indeed,
everyone in the world ever, will win the Royal Rumble. But beware, Rock,
Chris Jericho is not to be looked past. He says so himself.
And speaking of Bret Hart, we get to watch him be eliminated from the 1991
Rumble by the big dog himself, the Undertaker. After all, it IS his yard…
This is something I don’t remember seeing in years past, a recap of all
thirty Rumble participants. So much for surprise mystery entrants.
Remember when the wrestlers picked their number from a big bingo bin on
Superstars? And then Bart Gunn told Billy Gunn what number he was, but
Billy wouldn’t tell Bart his number! Hah! Oh, it is to laugh. Poor Mike
Because you demanded a third match! You did, didn’t you? What? Well I
sure didn’t, I want to go to bed!
Match #3: Shawn Stasiak v. Boss Man
Prediction: Bossman. Ugh.
Why, now that he’s fat again, have they taken the “Big” from his name? So
no one confuses him with the Big Show? Coach asks why Stasiak is back in
the company, but he hosted Heat a month or so ago, so it seems like he was
still employed then… or was that so long ago that the Alliance was still
Let me ask this again… lock up? Nope, punches to Boss Man’s flack jacket
and off the ropes into a back elbow! Heel that he is, Boss Man ducks out of
the ring and berates a member of the crowd. Maybe he wanted a hot dog and
the fan said to fuck off, pig. Obviously Boss Man will get no food from
this guy so he goes back into the ring. Stasiak then goes to the outside
and raises the hand of the same fan. If that was unplanned, Satsiak should
be congratulated for following his comedic instincts. If it was planned,
well it still came off well, so there. Typical brawling sees Boss Man down
on the mat and Stasiak goes for the cover. Boss Man kicks out and thrusts
to the throat to get Shawn on the outside again, but away from the fan.
Stasiak takes a pounding on the concrete and then Boss Man rolls him back
inside. Irish whip by Boss Man into a clothesline and Stasiak is down, on
his back. So is Boss Man, on Stasiak’s back that is, as he stands on it,
using the ropes for leverage. Up and off the ropes, Stasiak hits a flying
elbow and both men stay down. And just as quickly, both men are back up.
Shawn is on full offense mode with a clothesline and a flying cross body
from the top rope. Boss Man kicks out, gets up and sends Stasiak into the
ropes. Off the ropes Boss Man hits his sidewalk slam and makes the cover.
Winner: Boss Man (Pat 3-0)
The Royal Rumble is tomorrow (well, today for you & me) and HHH is back and
in it! And hey, don’t forget Heat, too!
“Evermoving” by Onward. I never thought I would say that I listen to power
metal from Utah, but these guys know what it means to rock.
Wow, Low-Ki sure has a lot of fans that watch Jakked! For those of you who
missed it, he wrestled Christian last week and the screen graphic for his
name called him “Loki.” Several people had things to say about him.
--Mr. Showerhead: “Yo...Loki isn't spelled Loki, as in the norse god...it's
Low Ki...that's his name...he's a guy who has wrestled Jakked in the past
and had some of the best matches with Essa Rios. He's a real talent.”
--Derek: “Just to let you know, Coach was right when he was pronouncing
Loki's name as "Low-Key". I have followed Low-Ki's career for about a year
now and Low-Ki is the name that he goes by unless he recently changed it.
He even wrestled past matches on Jakked as Low-Ki.”
--and the man whose Indy opinion I value over all others, Terry Gant:
“It is Low-Ki. The man works his ass off. He's not using a Norse God
gimmick. He's using a Shaolin monk gimmick without any cheesy acting. Just
trying to help. I've seen him work in person and I'll say he's one of the 5
best Indy workers going today.
It may have said Loki on the screen but I never expect the WWF to preserve
an Indy workers' integrity. Unless he's coming out of OVW or something…”
--Terry is an avid follower of Indy wrestling, especially Chicago area
promotions and he’s the guy who gave me a spell-sheet of all the cool
Japanese moves that I couldn’t spell when I first started this report.
Check out what else he has to say at: www.TerryGant.com
--Dal Bush makes up for last week’s absent Roundup by sending in two emails
1)”Let's say that, hypothetically, a WWF Superstar like Spike Dudley or
Perry Saturn was to cross the red line. Would they fall? Also, should I
buy a "411" t-shirt?”
--As frequent competitors on Jakked, I believe that no, they would not fall,
but yes, you should buy a 411 t-shirt. I do believe that the situation in
which the song “Cross the Red Line” was written applies nicely to both of
those men, but more so to Saturn currently.
2)”Man. Another week, another JAKKED. Why, with all the talent the WWF
has, do Superstars like Perry Saturn and Funaki end up working this show
week after week? They only air, like, 4 matches a week. That's eight guys,
not counting jobbers. Why can't they vary it up a bit? Would you really
be that upset if Perry Saturn didn't wrestle for a week?”
--No, no I would welcome the change. But Funaki deserves to wrestle on
every WWF show, just not all the time.
--Everyone loves 411 Awards! Here are some more, as suggested by my
“I think you should give out these awards:
Most frequent and best contributor to the JAKKED recaps: W. Dal Bush
Most frequent and best contributor to the JAKKED recaps who is directly
related to you: me
Most frequent and best contributor to the JAKKED recaps who is not me or W.
Dal Bush: Vince Merlo
Oh, and I'm sorry everyone else missed the Serpent (Serpeant? Fucking
Champs…) Crown show at Champs. I bet they would say "Feed For It All" on
cue! But then again they may have joined in that "What?" chant.”
--Nlfr123 wants to know… “Hey man, im just wondering how did they have
Jakked 2 weeks ago, because Jakked matches are taped before Raw and there
was no RAW. For new years.”
--The Christmas Eve RAW was taped the Friday before Christmas (the 21st),
and so was Jakked for the 29th. The SmackDown! for the 27th was filmed on
the 22nd, and so was Jakked for the 5th. So when I was writing the recap
for the 29th Jakked, I already knew what was gonna happen on the 5th. It
was quite odd.
--And now, in an effort to live up to his new title as “Most frequent and
best contributor to the Jakked recaps who is not Furious George or W. Dal
Bush,” Vince Merlo has some questions.
“Great report as always. You really make Jakked come alive for me in my
mind's eye, which is good, because that's TWICE as alive as it is when I
actually watch it. Anyhow, a couple of questions:
1)Since Vince couldn't sign Scott Steiner, did they just settle for sending
Trips to Steiner's doctor during his rehab? Hunter's as wide as he is tall;
and his back acne doesn't seem to have subsided any.”
--Yeah, I wanna know who laces up his boots now ‘cause I sure don’t think he
has that arm flexibility anymore.
2)” A couple of months ago, I asked you if, in your opinion, "The One & The
Dumb" (Palumbo/Gunn, as George likes to call them) would get a run at Tag
Team gold in the near future, and you said "no." Yet, now that they have
been repackaged as "Chuck & Billy: The Ambiguously Gay Tag Team" they've
been jettisoned from the pit that is WWF weekend programming, and are now
seen on Raw and SmackDown. Now, not that I think that there's anything
WRONG with being gay, cuz there isn't; but my question to you is, does "gay"
= Midcard? If the answer is "yes" then, just HOW gay will these two have to
get to be tag champs? Since Vince tried to sell Shamrock on a Ryan/Incest
angle years ago, can't you just see him cooking up a "Chuck & Billy Fellate
The Opposition Into Submission" angle?”
--Does gay equal midcard? Well, ambiguously bi gets you an Intercontinental
feud with Scott Hall (Goldust) or you wind up almost marrying your tag
partner (Too Much before the became Cool), but I think there comes a point
when the fans are not willing to forget your past gimmick and take you
seriously, and I think being in a gay tag team is one of those
characterizations that you will never escape from, if you so try to. And I’
m really trying not to see Billy & Chuck fellate ANYTHING…
3)”Finally, what do you think of this match for the free preview on PPV for
the Royal Rumble: Triple Threat--Chuck Palumbo vs Scott Hall vs The Fake
Razor in a "Loser Shaves His Greasy Mullet" match.
--I already saw it. Mike Awesome loses. And I would just like to ask, when
is the last time anyone actually saw Rick “Titan” Bogner?
--And lastly, we end with these very kind words from Joseph Newell “Just so
you know, there are a lot of people out there who enjoy your column, but
many of us forget to tell you so. SOOOOOOOOOO........I love ya column!
Keep it up!”
--Thanks. Really, thanks for taking the time to write that.
And thanks to all of you for reading. Now go read someone else at this
site… how about Joe Rivett’s Time for a Take? Check out the one for Jan
14th, entitled “The Other Big 3.”
I will end on this Rumble prediction: Nash will interfere, helping Jericho
keep the Undisputed Championship.