411’s Total Divas Report 11.24.13

Do you like Ryan’s exasperated ranting about Total Divas? If so, check out his exasperated ranting about numerous other wrestling-related topics on Twitter.

We pick up where we left off last week, with Nikki Bella reading the cohabitation agreement that she was handed by John Cena. Nikki mentions a provision that says, when Cena requests, she will remove all property that she brought into the home. Not her vibrators! She also mentions to Brie the fact that she doesn’t understand the agreement. Based on prior scenes on this show, that’s far from the only thing in this world that she doesn’t understand. The scene closes with Brie stating that she fears for their relationship.

Speaking of relationships that we fear, the show cuts to Vincent and Ariane’s apartment. They’re fighting over whether they should have sex this evening. Yes, the night when they have the massive E! Network camera crew over is the perfect night to make lovin’. Ariane says that they haven’t done anything in quite some time because of her potential endometriosis diagnosis (first mentioned during the last run of episodes), and Vincent says that they should do something to address this issue, but they’re both too stupid to figure out what that could possibly be. The scene concludes with Vincent mock-praying to god to make his penis smaller. I liked this gimmick better when the Rock prayed while pretending to be Billy Gunn.

Nikki has now moved into a hotel room, and she’s having a conversation with her mother about the cohabitation agreement. She mispronounces the word “equitable.” Momma Bella asks how Nikki feels about moving in with John, and Nikki responds that she feels as though she’s in her home when she’s with John. Nikki stares at the paper some more and exhales dramatically. Look, this dude is a multi-millionaire. He’d be stupid if he DIDN’T have you sign something that limited his potential losses.

Backstage at a TV taping, Ariane and Eva Marie are trying to convince Nattie Neidhart to “twerk.” Given some of her vocabulary, I half expected Nattie to ask, “Is this twerking anything like the Lindy Hop?”

Speaking of twerking, the Funkadactyls do some of it to prepare for their match. Also, they talk about how Vincent’s penis is too large for Ariane to handle. Trinity proclaims that this is “TMI.” This entire series has been TMI. After learning that the couple has not had relations for some time, Trinity chalks Ariane’s entire personality up to the fact that she’s not getting laid. No, trust me, I think there are some much deeper seated issues than that.

At the WWE Performance Center, Eva Marie claims that it’s time to “step up her craft,” so she asks TJ Wilson for some pointers. He teaches her what I think is supposed to be a standing reverse figure four, a move that I don’t think I’ve seen used since the Disco Inferno touted at his grand new finisher but found it so complicated that he had to carry crib notes to the ring that taught him how to apply it. Coincidentally, I could see Eva Marie having to do that as a shoot. Nattie walks in, and there is some instant jealousy.

After a commercial break, Nattie approaches the ring and interrupts the session. She explains in a confessional that she doesn’t want TJ training with other girls because TJ training her was what made him fall in love with her in the first place. Wait a minute, I thought they explained in the last run of episodes that it was Single J Jaret who trained her. Then . . . HOLY SHIT, IT’S NORMAN SMILEY! He looks exactly like he did when we left him in 2001. You have no idea how happy seeing Norman Smiley on TV again makes me. Seriously.

Ariane is seeing her gynecologist, Dr. Bohn. Seriously? Bohn? Were Drs. Fiehl and Grope from the old GLOW skits booked? Anyway, Ariane is given a full exam, before which she apologizes for the fact that she is not as carefully shaven as she otherwise would have been. Hey, remember the old Comedy Central TV show “That’s My Bush?” Ariane describes the entire situation as being “awkward.com.” Yup. After various things are stuck in various orifices of Ariane, the doctor performs an ultrasound and locates absolutely nothing that looks like endometriosis. So what exactly lead to that prospective diagnosis in the first place? In a Totally Natural, Unscripted Transition, Ariane upon learning that there is likely nothing physically wrong with her says, “What about something else . . . what about something like sex therapy?” Yes, that is the first conclusion somebody would jump to after realizing that their pain during intercourse is not caused by a severe, potentially debilitating disease of the reproductive system. “No painful adhesions are fusing my fallopian tubes to my uterus? Must be all in my head! Teehee!”

Nattie and TJ are in their home trying to figure out what to do for the day, and they get bitchy with each other again when TJ mentions the possibility of going to the Performance Center and rolling with Eva Marie. In a somber moment for the show, Gismo, who passed away shortly after the last run of episodes wrapped, is shown in the background.

Brie Bella is frolicking in a park. No, seriously, there’s no better way to describe it. She’s supposed to be meeting Bryan Danielson, but he calls and says that he’s too busy with WWE media appearances, but he’ll make it up to her later. Again, keep in mind that we still haven’t covered Danielson losing the WWE Title on this show, so my theory is we’re supposed to believe he’s still champion.

After sending TJ off to the Performance Center on his own, Nattie decides to show up there after all and is again jealous about TJ and Eva training together. So, to get back at him, she decides to get Fandango and start “working on go behinds.” I love the idea that Nattie decided she needed the skeeziest man whore available to make her husband jealous, so she immediately went to Fandango based on his last appearance on the show. Random aside: Why is it that “Naomi” and “Cameron” go by their shoot names on this show but “Fandango” is still “Fandango?” Nattie’s plan works a little bit too well, as TJ actually goes off on a bit of a tirade and storms out of the ring.

After the commercial break, Nattie gets all up in Eva Marie’s face and tells her that she has a reputation for being shady. Eva says that Nattie is “clearly losing her fucking mind.” For once, I find myself agreeing with Eva Marie on something.

Vinnie and Ariane are driving, and Vinnie describes a burrito he ate the prior evening as being thebomb.com. Gimmick infringement, brother. Oh, and they’re on their way to the sex therapist. Ariane says talking about sex is uncomfortable for her. Bullshit. I missed the therapist’s name but, based on Dr. Bohn earlier, I can only explain that it’s something believable and tasteful like Dr. Fuchs. Ariane explains that she’s not particularly sexual, meaning that, if she never did the deed again, she wouldn’t care. She’s an acer! Dr. Fuchs proves to be the worst therapist ever, as she immediately begins judgmentally yelling at Ariane for having too many hang ups about what she won’t do in the bedroom. Seriously, she’s yelling! Calm down, fake psychiatrist. She tells Ariane to get a vibrator and some porn and further suggests that the couple participate in BDSM.

PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE FO GOD, BRING BACK THE PG VERSION OF WWE TELEVISION. I KNOW THAT I AM A “SMART MARK” AND SUPPOSED TO HATE “THE PG ERA,” BUT I WILL AMPUTATE MY RIGHT LEG THIS VERY MOMENT AND SELL IT TO KEVIN DUNN AND HIS BEAVER FACE IF IT MEANS NOT HAVING TO HEAR ANYMORE ABOUT VINCENT POTENTIALLY PARTICIPATING IN BDSM. JESUS.

Ugh. Still half an hour to go.

Anyway, Bella Twins. Nikki still hasn’t talked to Cena bout the agreement. They don’t say anything that hasn’t already been said in Nikki’s two prior conversations on the show about the paperwork, though Brie does succeed in convincing her to have a conversation with Johnny Boy.

We’re in Tampa again at Casa de Neidhart. They have a conversation about each other’s jealousy, and Nattie says that Eva is “a bombshell, a swimsuit model, everything I’m not.” Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we have a redux of the Nattie Neidhart: Ugly Duckling storyline. How ridiculous. In a matter of ten seconds, Nattie realizes that she’s being incredibly stupid and that TJ was just doing his job by working with Eva Marie. They make up by locking up. Sooooo . . . is that the whole storyline? What are they doing for the rest of the show?

Brie and Bryan (or “BriBry” as I like to call them) are having lunch when the creepy talent relations underboss calls for Danielson. He takes the call outside, causing Brie to plaintively eat her salad. Doesn’t she know that women are supposed to laugh while eating salad?

Bryan comes back in and asks if all of the vegetables on his plate are locally grown. Then he gets another phone call. That was the perfect “Bryan Danielson” small talk to make. As the couple drives away from the restaurant, Brie says she wishes she was dating the Bryan Danielson from the beginning of their relationship, and they fight about whether he’s been paying enough attention to her in light of his increased success. It is not particularly interesting.

After a break, we’re back at Ariane’s place. Vincent walks in with some shopping bags, and he’s purchased wine, champagne, and a . . . riding crop . . . and a vibrator . . . and an even larger vibrator that looks something like the Mountie’s old shock stick. (I just realized that I should not have said “Mountie” in this context.) Vincent is way too into this, though I guess he did just go to a supposed doctor who browbeat his girlfriend into being more of a freak, so it’s hard to blame the guy. Ariane commandeers the riding crop and puts on some high heels. Tony Atlas just came. Then the couple starts doing D-Bry’s “Yes!” chants. Ariane mispronounces the word “dominatrix.” They allegedly have sex off camera while continuing to yell “Yes!” and while the editors throw in a verrrrrry subtle establishing shot of a fountain going off. That chant is now forever ruined for me.

The Bellas are doing hot yoga. Like there’s any other kind of yoga when they’re around, MIRITE?! After the session, they try to have a conversation but instead get into an argument, first about Nikki being rude by texting while they talk and secondly about Brie’s chest being smaller. Eventually they get to the point, with Brie feeling like she’s neglected by her boyfriend. Nikki explains that Brie would be thrilled if she were in Bryan’s position and that Brie is probably just making a hard situation even more difficult for Mr. Danielson. This is all 100% accurate . . . when did Nikki become the level-headed one?

More ads. Then, Nikki Bella gets a phone call from John Cena. For the record, her hotel room is nicer than my house. Cena invites her to dinner. Aaaand scene.

In Phoenix, Bryan Danielson returns home from the road and has a heart-to-heart with Brie. Brie mentions she had a talk with Nikki, and Bryan asks if the entire conversation was about Nikki’s boobs. Based on what we’ve seen of the series so far, that is a plausible scenario. They talk through their issues in a fairly mature, rational fashion, with Brie admitting that she’s been too needy and Bryan noting that he might be able to work on things as well. Perfectly reasonable resolution.

Now we get the big Cena/Bella summit. John explains that the cohabitation agreement is necessary in the event that Nikki turns into a “super evil person” that he hasn’t seen yet. Well, this is professional wrestling, so that is a valid concern. After all, how many times did something like that happen to Sting? Granted, the consequences were a bit worse for Sting because he usually had to eat a Horseman beatdown whereas Cena would just be stuck with a box of sex toys in his house for more than 48 hours, but the parallels are still there. Cena admits that he probably should’ve brought the agreement to the table before Nikki moved in, but he doesn’t want anything jeopardizing his finances, which he uses to support his mother and a couple of his siblings. Wait, where is his father in all of this? Is he too busy playing indy rasslin’ manager to earn a living? In any event, Nikki buys the story hook, line, and sinker and says she’ll sign the agreement as long as Cena gives her oral sex on a daily basis.

That’s what everything comes down to on this show, isn’t it?

Next week: Bill DeMott tries to train Vincent to be a wrestler. Hoo boy.

Overall: I’m really not sure what to do with this show. Structurally, it was probably the best that it’s ever been. There were four storylines that all had a fairly reasonable beginning middle, and end, and none of them were too horribly unbelievable, aside from Ariane’s amazing jumping to conclusion while her feet were in the gynecologist’s stirrups. Also, both of the Bella storylines were relatable in the sense that they at least had a basis in issues that real couples experience, even though Nattie Neidhart was still in the background continuing her run as the world’s most obnoxiously self-conscious human being, while Ariane has essentially devolved to being a cartoon character at this point. In fact, in an uncharacteristically solid bit of storytelling from the series, not only did the four storylines (mostly) have natural flows and progression, but they also fit together thematically, with each involving a diva working on her relationship in some form.

However, that doesn’t mean that I actually enjoyed the program. Yes, they took care of some of their structural issues and, if you were to write brief plot summaries down on paper, none of the content would sound particularly objectionably (again, except for Ariane), but the delivery of the basic storylines is still wanting. I’m no prude, but the program’s bizarre, sophomoric fixation on sex and sexuality and, more accurately, its fixation with talking about those things in the most crude manner imaginable takes me out of the program to the point that, even when I acknowledge the storylines and characters are being handled better from a technical aspect, I still can’t invest myself in them.

There is also one other loose end that I feel the need to address here. Several episodes ago, before the hiatus, it was mentioned that Ariane may have endometriosis. When I gave my thoughts on that episode, I mentioned that I know people with that disease, that it’s no joking matter and that, if it turned out this “diagnosis” was a lame plot contrivance that trivialized the disease, I would not be happy. Well, at least as things stand right now, it appears that’s exactly what it was. However, on further reflect, I’m not going to get angry, even if that is my gimmick that supposedly makes these columns entertaining. Instead, I’m going to try to do something constructive and ask that people educate themselves about the disease and maybe throw a few bucks towards research into it by visiting the websites of either The Endometriosis Foundation of America or The Endometriosis Association.

Do you like Ryan’s exasperated ranting about Total Divas? If so, check out his exasperated ranting about numerous other wrestling-related topics on Twitter.