I hate Halloween, Edge vs. Benoit, and Steph's hot when she wants to be. Confused? You won't be..
WWE Smackdown for October 31, 2002, from Grand Rapids, Michigan
Report by Brendan Johnston exclusively for www.411wrestling.com
If you’re still reading this after my shoddy excuse for a report last week, pat yourself on the back. Unless you’re a friend of mine, in which case you’re expected to go back to the main page, then here again, then repeat the procedure a few dozen times so that the bosses think people actually read me. Thanks, guys!
Raw... I’m sorry, I know I was supposed to hate it, but I thought the opening segment was hilarious.
Because of the ratings drop, funds for ring gear are apparently being cut. Those hit hardest by the budget reduction have been Bubba Ray Dudley, Test and Lance Storm.
And this may be weird of me... but did anyone else notice that Lance Storm’s trunks seemed a little... er... tight? Talk about re-packaging.
In related news, I am ashamed of that joke.
In unrelated news, the piece of microwave pizza I’m eating is shaped like a heart. More on this as it develops.
Brock Lesnar is tentatively scheduled to fight Lennox Lewis in Las Vegas in the fall of 2003. The rules as they stand now dictate that Lesnar will not be allowed to punch in the fight, which is being marketed as a shoot.
TEMPORALLY-DISPLACED NEWS UPDATE!!!: WWE wrestler Brock Lesnar’s head landed in Reno yesterday. Lennox Lewis has not yet been officially charged.
Because Brock’ll lose, you see.
Yes, Vince, that’s a great idea. Put your newest golden boy in a fight against the best boxer on the planet, then make a rule that doesn’t let Lesnar hit back. Ooh, I have an even better idea; why not take Lesnar, stand him in the middle of a field, and urinate on him?
Kurt Angle is also scheduled to fight Michael Moorer. Fans will chant “WHAT?” at Angle and “WHO?” at Moorer.
Yeah, I’m sure he’s famous but he wasn’t in Ocean’s Eleven, so I don’t know who the f*** he is.
Scott Steiner has been signed by WWE. It appears as if he’ll end up on Raw, which is good for me. I’ve got enough people to make fun of, what with the Big Show and Rikishi here on Smackdown.
In comic book news, The Ultimates issue seven finally hit the shelves this week. If you’re any kind of comic book fan, pick it and the TPB of the first six issues up, as Mark Millar may be the best new-generation comic book writer out there (Bendis is a close second), and Bryan Hitch has been the man since his days on The Authority and probably before. Millar manages to revise classic characters like Tony Stark/Iron Man, Bruce Banner/The Incredible Hulk and Steve Rogers/Captain America into characters who stand on their own in the modern world. The Ultimates #7 also features the best last two pages I’ve seen in comics in a long time, actually eliciting a genune cheer from me as I read it on the crapper.
Now, with that lovely image in your heads, on with the report...
My 13 year old sister walks in just before the show, after having been accosted by some unknown Halloween ruffians right before the show. This is why I fucking hate Halloween. That’s right, I didn’t edit myself. I’m pissed off and I’m currently in the mood to get in my car, go driving around and bash people. So I guess it’s good that I have to do Smackdown. Vigilantism’s loss is 411’s gain.
We open at a backstage Halloween party, with Ron Simmons dressed as a pimp, Chavo Guerrero in a serape and sombrero, Eddie Guerrero as Zorro, saying he’s gonna carve his initials into Kurt Angle. Stephanie McMahon, looking quite hot in witch garb, announces that, in honor of Halloween, everyone’s favorite masked man, Rey Mysterio, will take on Brock Lesnar in the main event. Rey stands on a chair and is still shorter than everyone else. He takes a celebratory shot of something red.
The montage rolls, the pyro hits and Cole and Tazz welcome us to the Halloween edition of Smackdown from Grand Rapids, Michigan.
Edge vs. WWE Tag Team Champion Chris Benoit: I kinds dig Edge’s one glove look.
Lockup to a Benoit waistlock, arm drag by Edge, headlock by Benoit, to another arm drag to an armbar by Edge. Edge works a wristlock to a hammerlock. Benoit drop toeholds out to a front headlock but Edge reverses back to the hammerlock. (Wow...) Benoit powers out to the corner and hits some shoulders, then a headlock takedown. Edge fights up but gets shoulder blocked. Benoit runs into a knee and Edge hits a gutbuster. To the corner, Edge works the abdomen but Benoit fires off some chops that send Edge clear across the ring. Short arm clothesline by Benoit. Edge reverses a whip to the corner that Benoit takes chest first. Edge covers for two. He works Benoit’s gut some more, then tosses him and follows with a double axe-handle from the apron. Hotshot on the barricade. Back in, cover gets two for Edge. Chinlock/surfboard by Edge. Cole and Tazz talk about Steiner. Benoit comes back with chops. Edge comes back and looks to go for the Edge-O-Cution but instead puts Benoit gut first on the ropes. Edge goes for a baseball slide but Benoit catches him. He works the shoulder outside and dropkicks it into the steps. Back in, Benoit posts the shoulders a few times, then grabs an armbar. Edge counters with a hip toss but takes an elbow to keep Benoit in control. Benoit posts the shoulder again, then hits a backdrop for two. Edge is bleeding from the nose and/or mouth. Drop toehold and Benoit dropkicks the shoulder. Snap suplex gets two. Benoit stomps away in the corner. Cross corner whip and Benoit legdrops the back of Edge’s head. Chops in the corner.Cross corner whip but Edge gets the elbow up. Benoit goes for a superplex, but Edge counters with a faceplant from the top.
Commercial break... I’ve given up getting mad about this stuff... Funny Mario Party 4 commercial in which Mario puts Luigi in a half-crab. Lance Storm would be proud.
And we’re back.
Edge vs. WWE Tag Team Champion Chris Benoit (continued): As we come back, Edge jumps clear across the ring with a missile dropkick that Benoit caught and turned into the Crossface. Edge makes the ropes. During the break, Edge hit the spear. Benoit hits a hat trick of German suplexes and signals for the Swandive headbutt, but Edge rolls. Edge and Benoit chop their way up like good Canadians. Benoit tries to post the shoulder again but Edge counters to a Snake Eyes, then Edge-O-Matic gets two. Faceplant gets two. He signals for the spear, but Benoit does the intelligent thing and simply steps out of the way, grabbing the Crossface. Edge rolls but Benoit keeps the hold on. Kurt Angle appears to pull Benoit out of the ring and yell at him. Edge baseball slides Benoit into Angle, and follows out with a flying clothesline. Benoit ducks and Edge hits Angle instead. Back in, Edge ducks a clothesline and hits a spear to end this awesome match.
Winner: Edge by pinfall (15:18)
Backstage, John Cena is dressed as Vanilla Ice and raps like the white, white, white boy he is. Chuck is dressed as an Indian, Kidman as the Phantom of the Opera. Torrie walks past in warrior princess gear. Dawn Marie and Al Wilson show up as a cop and the Fonz, respectively.
Commercial break... Tough Enough III promo featuring the crazy girl.
And we’re back.
Moments Ago... Angle interfered, giving Edge a victory because Smackdown is in the Bizarro universe tonight.
At the party, Benoit searches for Angle, accosting the guy from Scream and SuperFunaki. Benoit leaves and the Scream guy takes off his mask to reveal Angle.
Backstage, Paul Heyman talks to WWE Champion Brock Lesnar about the Thrilla in Manila, and how it was so brutal that it changed both Ali and Frazier forever. Heyman says that this year’s answer to the Thrilla in Manila was Hell in the Cell, and that the match changed both Brock and the Undertaker forever. Heyman says he knows Brock wants to fight the Big Show to prove something. But Show’s seven feet tall. He’s five hundred pounds. Brock can’t manhandle the Big Show. Brock can’t suplex the Big Show. And, Heyman says, he doesn’t think Brock can pick the Big Show up for the F5. So if Brock can’t manhandle the Big Show, if he can’t suplex the Big Show, and if he can’t F5 the Big Show... he can’t beat the Big Show. (SHOOTING BROCK PRESS!!!!) Heyman says he knows that’s hard to hear, but that’s what Brock pays him for. And that’s why people like him make decisions for people like Brock.
Speaking of the Thrilla in Manila, let me rant for a moment (I’m sure my distinguished competition won’t mind me borrowing his trademark phrase)... I watched Ali today. It sucked. It assumes a knowledge of Muhammad Ali’s life that most people don’t have, it’s disjointed and unclear on a great deal of characterization. For example, the scene depicting Martin Luther King’s death is not even depicted as such. Will Smith and Jon Voight were impressive as usual, but the film itself was lacking.
And we’re back.
The Big Show vs. Rikishi: Show’s in a black t-shirt and jeans, no more singlet.
Rikishi hammers away and hits double Double Chin Musics to send Show out. Show posts him a few times outside, then goes in and drops some elbows, then hits a headbutt. Show thumps Rikishi in the corner and hits a clothesline for two. He takes off the top two turnbuckle pads and whips Rikishi into them, then clotheslines him. Oklahoma slam by Show, then the ShowStopper ends it at a merciful two and a half minutes.
Winner: The Big Show by pinfall (2:30)
Show gets on the mic and calls Brock out, calling him “little man,” PROVING that his limitations in the ring are more than made up for by his STELLAR mic work and... oh god, I can’t believe this guy’s main-eventing...
Backstage, Heyman begs Brock not to go out.
And we’re back.
Big Show’s still in the ring, saying that he won’t leave till Brock comes down. Show says that Brock’s proably scared after what Show did to the Undertaker last week, and they roll that beautiful bean footage. Show says he took out the Undertaker in eight seconds to Brock’s eight weeks. Show yammers on about how Brock can’t beat him and how everybody knows it. Show says Brock can’t beat the Big Show, Paul Wight, or a giant. Brock’s music hits and he gets a respectable pop. Staredown. Brock on the mic, says he agrees that Show’s a giant... A giant piece of sh!t!!! (Ohhh... burn.)
Show walks up the ramp with the mic, talking about how he’s been advised not to touch Brock until Survivor Series. But he says that last week he did something to Undertaker that’s never been done before, and tonight, he’ll do soemthing to Brock that’s never been done before.
Backstage, in the most overtly pornographic shot ever on WWE television, Torrie stretches for her match by bending over in a pair of fishnet stockings and little else. Elsewhere, Kidman held a gun on the entire male roster and said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Commercial break... WWE Anthology ad with Edge, Christian and Gangrel
And we’re back.
Dawn Marie vs. Torrie Wilson- Trick or Treat Match: I elect to utilize my “Get out of One Match Free Card” for this stinker. Cakes. Pies. Lame chops. Mud pit. Torrie wins, like always.
Winner: Torrie Wilson by pinfall (1:30)
After the match, Torrie throws the ring announcer Tony Chimmel into the pit for some reason.
At the party, Tajiri is hit on by Mae Young and the Fabulous Moolah. Matt Hardy “Version One” arrives to inject the party with some Mattitude. He tells Tajiri that he has a match with him tonight, and he shouldn’t be sitting flirting with Mae and Moolah, Versions BC. Matt says that Tajiri will soon be suffering a Mattitude adjustment thanks to an unfortunate Twist of Fate.
Commercial break...Rebellion video
At the party, Jamie Noble and Nidia are dressed as each other. Eddie and Chavo ask for a shot at the Tag Team Titles tonight. Cena comes up to tell Steph that Vince is in her office.
Matt Hardy “Version One” vs. Tajiri: Lockup to a Matt armdrag. He throws the “Version One” salute up. Lockup to a hammerlock by Matt, reversed to a headlock by Tajiri. Matt goes to a top wristlock but Tajiri hits some armdrags and mocks the “V1” taunts. Matt gets a schoolboy for two. Matt tells Tajiri he was “this close” but gets kicked clean out of the ring. Tajiri follows with an Asai moonsault. Back in, Matt ducks a clothesline and hits the Side Effect for two. Ropes-assisted chinlock by Hardy. He chops in the corner. Tajiri slugs back but Matt rakes the eyes. Hotshot and another Side Effect get two. Matt works a neck vise but Tajiri powers out, running into a back elbow and standing legdrop. Scoop slam sets up Yodelling Legdrop Version One, which misses. Tajiri comes back with a BRUTAL pop up dropkick and thrust kick for two. Tajiri goes for the sunset flip, Matt sits, Tajiri bridges out. Matt counters the Tarantula with an electric chair drop for two. Tajiri gets the Tarantula in the middle of the ropes Matt ducks the Stiff Kick and goes for the Twist of Fate, which Tajiri counters to a backslide attempt, which Matt low blows out of and hits the Twist of Fate for the win.
Winner: Matt Hardy “Version One” by pinfall (7:36)
Steph goes into her office to find some guy in a Vince mask talking about how Scott Steiner’s going to Raw. He takes off the match and it’s Bischoff. She goes to slap him but he catches it and plants one on her. She fights him off, but relents and they make out on her desk for a bit. Huh?
Man... Steph can look pretty damn hot when she wants to... anyway...
And we’re back.
WWE Tag Team Champion Kurt Angle vs. Eddie Guerrero: Guerrero’s got green tights, black tape gloves and a ponytail. Weird.
Matwork to start. Guerrero grabs the rope on a waistlock. Lockup to a side headlcok and shoulder block by Angle. Angle hits a hiptoss and arm drag off the ropes and then a double leg suplex. Guerrero retreats. Back in, Eddie pounds away.but Angle comes back with a clothesline and flying forearm for two. Eddie drop toeholds Angle into the second turnbuckle and hits a backdrop, then chokes Angle in the corner with his boot. Eddie pounds away. Eddie grabs a front headlock to a sleeper. Pro-Angle chant starts. Angle elbows out but Eddie goes back to the chinlock. Angle powers out with a powerslam. Eddie hits some dropkicks and chokes with the ropes. Angle rolls out and Eddie suplexes him back in for two, then goes back to the chinlock. Angle powers out but runs into a knee to the gut. Angle goes back to the mat , choking Angle with his legs and using the ropes. The ref raises Angle’s arm twice, but Kurt reverses the choke to the ankle lock, Eddie makes the ropes. Eddie pounds away but Angle hits a release German. Back body drop by Angle, then a sloppy belly to belly (for Angle, anyway; good for anyone else) gets two. Eddei reverses a cross-corner whip but Angle comes back with a trio of German suplexes. Angle pulls the straps down and goes for the Angle Slam, countered by Eddie to a small package for two. Eddie hits a tornado DDT for two and locks in the Lasso from El Paso. Angle counters to the ankle lock. Low blow by Eddie and a brainbuster sets up the froggy splash, but Angle shoves the ref to the ropes, knocking Eddie down. Angle takes out Chavo and goes for the belly to belly superplex, but Chris Benoit appears to hit Angle with the tag title belt. Eddie hits the froggy splash for the win.
Winner: Eddie Guerrero by pinfall (13:17)
After the match, Benoit takes out both Guerreros with the belt.
Well, that was not the match I was expecting from those two.
Commercial break... WWE Anthology ad featuring the Godfather
And we’re back.
Backstage, Angle busts up the party looking for Benoit. He unmasks the Scream guy and it’s Brother Love (?). (I think.) Benoit comes from behind and beats the hell out of him, putting him in the Crossface. Angle reverses to the ankle lock. Angle hits the Angle Slam, putting Benoit through a table, but Benoit breaks a bottle over his head on the way down.
WWE Champion Brock “Thunderlips” Lesnar (w/Paul Heyman) vs. Rey Mysterio: What’s this? Brock in a main event on a free show? What is he, the champion or something... oh... wait. Rey’s favoring one knee on the pre-match posing.
Rey leads Brock on a merry chase to start, hitting a drop toehold and legdrop. Brock powers out of a schoolboy. Rey hits Bombs Away to the outside but Brock pops right up. ‘Rana attempt from the apron countered by Brock to a powerbomb position. He posts Rey’s shoulder. Back in, Brock goes to a Canadian back breaker and slams Mysterio to the mat face first. Brock hits an overhead belly-to-belly on Mysterio from Mysterio’s position on the mat. (Holy shit...) Brock folds Rey in half with some shoulders in the corner, but Rey movesand Brock spears post. 619 to Brock’s gut, then he goes for the regular 619 but here’s the Big Show to catch him and toss him into the crowd.
Winner: Rey Mysterio by disqualification (4:00)
Show beats the hell out of Lesnar and cocks up a chokeslam through the Spanish announce table. Show screams about how the belt is his.