411’s TNA Impact Wrestling Report 12.12.13

*****

OPENING VIDEO/STORY RECAP: AJ Styles wins the World Title and leaves TNA to defend it around the world. Styles tells Dixie that she’s going to need to come to GA and take it from him.

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Another video plays of Rockstar Spud driving and leaving a voicemail to Dixie Carter. He’s heading to Gainsville to get the belt back for his boss.

• THOUGHTS: Here’s hoping this through-line lives up to its potential.

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We cut to the Impact Zone where Jeremy Borash hypes up “Feast or Fired”. He then turns to the Wheel of Dixie to find out the finals of the World Title tournament. Before he can spin the wheel (and make the deal) out comes Kurt Angle. Angle grabs the mic and tells Borash to get out of the ring. Angle knocks over the Feast or Fired set-up as well as the Wheel of Dixie. Angle calls out Bobby Roode to end their issue once and for all. Roode makes his way out and says “too bad” because they aren’t going to fight right now. Roode says he should be the angry one as he was the one who was eliminated from the World Title tournament by slipping and falling through a table. Roode says that since Angle declined his HOF induction he has physically and mentally beat him down then says he “owns” Angle. Roode says he is better than Angle. Angle tells Roode he will never beat him again and is so sure of it he can beat him twice on one night. Roode says that’s impossible and has nothing left to prove. Angle says they should find out right now and charges out to Roode. Naturally a brawl erupts ringside, with Angle sending Roode into the ring steps. The fight spills into the ring where Angle spears Roode and repeatedly peppers him with rights until a host of referees and officials come out to hold them back. It doesn’t work as Angle and Roode once again charge at one another. Now Al Snow makes his way out to talk some sense into Angle because a man who gets his advice from a mannequin head is a sound voice of reason. Roode uses this opportunity to knee Angle in the balls. Roode challenges Angle to a 2/3 Falls match for next week’s Final Resolution special.

• THOUGHTS: More good stuff from Angle/Roode if a bit repetitive. There is only so many times you can watch people brawl week in and week out before it becomes old hat (Aces & Eights, anyone?). The announcement from a 2 out of 3 Falls match for next week’s show was very welcome though; that should be yet another good match between these two.

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STORYLINE RECAP: Bad Influence reveals that Joseph Park’s supposed “law firm” closed 13 years ago. Eric Young challenges B.I. to a tag match for this week’s show.

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Joseph Park and Eric Young are backstage. Park is pacing back and forth. Young asks if Park is ready for revenge and Park is unsure. Young tells Park that this is his chance to show everyone what’s inside of him. Young tells Park to trust him and they walk off, hinting at a possible plan on EY’s part.

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-Commercial Break-

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Bad Influence make their way out for the opening contest. Their opponents, Joseph Park & Eric Young, make their way out to EY’s music. Park doesn’t look focused.

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Match #1: Joseph Park & Eric Young Vs. Bad Influence (Christopher Daniels & Frankie Kazarian)

Young and Daniels start. Daniels grabs a side headlock but Young sends him into the ropes and responds with a flying forearm. Park tags in but Daniels pokes him in the eye and works him over in the corner. Park dodges a corner splash and Young tags in, connecting with a dropkick. Kazarian tags in and eats a back bodydrop. Young with the 10 right hands of doom in the corner mount. Park reluctantly tags back in and goes for a suplex but Kazarian gets a knee to the gut then dropkicks him into the corner. Kazarian sends Park head-first into the corner and Daniels tags back in. Bad Influence bring Park to his knees and hit the kick/lariat/legdrop triple shot. Daniels connects with a right hand as Young rallies the crowd from the apron.

Kazarian tags in and connects with a kick to the sternum while Daniels hols Parks’ arms back. Kazarian toys with Park then sends Young off the apron with a forearm. Daniels gets back in and holds Park’s arms as Kazarian repeatedly slaps him. Young rolls in and takes Bad Influence down with strikes and clotheslines. Young clears the ring completely and yells at Park to get up and show some fight. Young picks Park up and repeatedly connects with right hands that busts Park open. Park asks why he did that and Young shows him the blood. Park goes into Abyss Mode as Young smiles. Bad Influence attack Park from behind and he turns around, face full of rage. Park takes both men down with clotheslines then drops Kazarian with a chokeslam before splashing Daniels in the corner. Park gets Daniels in a torture rack then turns it into a seated backbreaker. Kazarian catches Park with a shot to the midsection but then runs right into a BLACK HOLE SLAM for the 1…2…3!

Winners [via Pinfall]: Joseph Park & Eric Young (5:48)

• MATCH THOUGHTS: A meh match but Young busting Park open to turn him into Abyss was a fun moment. Maybe we’ll get a more pronounced combo of Park/Abyss instead of just the latter.

POST-MATCH: Young gets on the mic and says he knows why Park can’t find Abyss. The reason is because he is Abyss. SHOCK! AWE! Park is in disbelief as Young drops the mic and pats him on the shoulder. A “YOU ARE ABYSS!” chant breaks out (ha) and Park looks around still not believing it.

• THOUGHTS: Fiiiiiiiiinnnnnnaaaaallllllly.

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IMPACT 365 VIDEO: Ethan Carter III talks about his humiliation of the Hebner family last week while enjoying a massage. EC3 promises a HOF moment for tonight and says he’s going to do something that’ll make social media exploooooode.

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-Commercial Break-

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Ethan Carter III makes his entrance for the next match/segment. EC3 has muscles where muscles don’t normally exist. He grabs a mic and tells Brian Hebner that he’s safe today, then says after giving Earl Hebner the shining moment of his career last week he wanted to do something different this time around. EC3 then announces that his next hand-picked opponent will blow social media up because he’s TNA’s social media maven JEREMY BORASH. Borash understandably does not want to do it and before he’s forced into humiliation out comes Sting to break things up before they get out of hand.

Sting grabs a mic and sarcastically says he can’t believe he’s in the ring with such greatness. Sting tells EC3 that he’s a shooting star and he should grab onto his beltloop and just hang on. Sting then gets down to business and says that EC3 has done absolutely nothing in this business. He says what EC3 did to Earl last week was despicable then chides him for wanting to wrestle Borash. Sting says later on is the “Feast or Fired” match where people are gonna do what EC3 hasn’t and take chances. Sting says it’s time for EC3 to man up an enroll himself in the Feast or Fired match…or he can just fight him right now. Sting gets in EC3’s face as the crowd chants “YES!” in approval. EC3 backs up a bit and accepts the challenge…to compete in Feast or Fired. EC3 bails out of the ring as the crowd boos.

• THOUGHTS: And the Sting/EC3 feud begins. I liked this exchange and as long as Sting is down to take a loss it could do a good job elevating EC3 a bit…well as much as Sting can elevate someone nowadays anyway.

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We catch up with Rockstar Spud who’s trying to figure out where he is via map (GPSes don’t exist in the TNA Universe). He stops at a closing “petrol” station and asks an attendant if he knows where AJ Styles is. The attendant points down the road and says Styles and his friends usually drink there. Spud excitedly thanks him and gets back in the car to meet him.

• THOUGHTS: Spud tweeted that his GPS wasn’t working because he’s in Georgia but not everyone watching follows all of the social media so it just looks like he’s the one person alive who still uses a map like an idiot. So it still works but filling the hole through a tweet only works for a segment of the audience.

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-Commercial Break-

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Knockouts Champ Gail Kim and Lei’D Tapa finish their entrance as we return from the commercial. Kim mocks the lack of actual good competition then sarcastically asks for the next person to come out. Out comes ODB instead. Kim says she wanted better competition and tells ODB to get out (also she can’t compete because she’s not an outside talent but shhh). ODB grabs the mic and says she’s not out to kick her butt…she wants Tapa. ODB attacks Tapa and floors Kim. ODB picks Tapa up but Kim clips the knee and a double team occurs. All of a sudden out comes Madison Rayne who clears Kim from the ring. ODB chops Tapa and she and Rayne clear her out with a double clothesline.

• THOUGHTS: To be honest I had totally forgotten about Madison Rayne until this surprise return. But hey the Knockouts now have a new roster member to play with for awhile, so yay to that. I guess. I can’t remember if she’s good or not.

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We catch up with Rockstar Spud who has arrived at the “pub”. Spud gets the attention of the female bartender by using a terrible Southern accent and asks if she knows “Allan Jones”. She says she doesn’t sell information and Spud intimates that it means she will only talk if he buys something. Spud pulls out a dollar and asks for a complicated foofy drink but instead she gives him a beer with a lemon wedged at the opening. She walks off as Spud asks about said information.

• THOUGHTS: Ah the classic “order a goofy drink at a redneck bar” gag. Gets ’em every time.

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-Commercial Break-

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Rockstar Spud gets on the mic at the bar and asks for the whereabouts of AJ Styles but all the barflies want is for him to sing a song since it’s a singing mic. Spud says he’s not prepared but he is a rockstar so he launches into “God Save the Queen” by The Sex Pistols. The Georgia crowd doesn’t like it…even though the live band knew enough to play it beforehand. The bouncer kicks Spud out for being a bad singer or something.

• THOUGHTS: Depending on your brand of humor this was either funny or a waste of time. I’m in the latter category. However I do applaud Spud for trying to make it work and I do like his character.

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A video plays hyping the “Feast or Fired” match.

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James Storm and Gunner are hanging out backstage. Gunner apologizes for costing them the Tag Team Titles last week (that was for the Tag Team Titles?). Storm says they have a chance to right all of these wrongs in the Feast or Fired match. Storm says he could grab the World Title briefcase while Gunner grabs the Tag Title briefcase and they could have all of the gold. Gunner then brings up that they could also be fired and Storm responds with “sorry ’bout your damn luck” because of course he does. Storm walks off and Gunner responds with a simple “okay”.

• THOUGHTS: Just get this feud over with so we can move on.

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-Commercial Break-

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Rockstar Spud has now found AJ Styles’ house, which is “three doors down”. He gets out the car and goes running down the dirt road with a light pen.

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Face to Face: Jeff Hardy & Magnus

TNA President Dixie Carter makes her way to the ring. Carter says that earlier tonight Kurt Angle destroyed the Wheel of Dixie and she’s quite sure the Smithsonian will call her to put that art on her display. Carter says she now has nothing because of Angle (all he did was push it over, you drama queen) and confirms that Angle/Roode’s 2 out of 3 Falls match will happen next week. Carter then turns her attention to AJ Styles and says that next week she gets a real World Heavyweight Champion. She introduces the two man fighting for the gold next week, Jeff Hardy and Magnus, out to the ring.

Carter says either one of them will make an outstanding World Champion for her company then asks if they have any final words to say to each other. Hardy is up first and says 2012 was his year and in one week he and the Creatures win the World Title again. He then leads his own Hardy chant. My eyes, they can’t stop rolling. Magnus is second and says he’s not blind, stupid, or deaf and knows that the crowd is Hardy’s “Creatures”. Magnus says Hardy has earned the respect then thanks him for putting food on his table. Magnus says that next week, however, Hardy is just the final obstacle between him and the World Title. Magnus says to be the number one guy he has to beat the number one guy and to him Hardy is the number one guy in the industry (uhhhh). Magnus says he has every intention of beating Hardy and they shake hands.

Carter is back on the mic and says even though the Wheel of Dixie had been destroyed there was still one special match left. Hardy Vs. Magnus will compete in a match known as “Dixieland”. A video package hyping said match is then awkwardly cut in. The match will begin in a steel cage, where they will have to escape then head to the entrance stage where the World Title hangs above and only a ladder separates them from glory. We go back “live” and Carter says whichever man wins will travel with her on her private jet and represent TNA in every possible endeavor. She leaves the ring, as Hardy and Magnus stand in the ring thinking about everything.

• THOUGHTS: Vince Russo must be super pissed that he wasn’t the one to come up with the Dixieland gimmick match. Sounds absolutely ridiculous and a dumb way to conclude the tournament since it’s more of a “chance” than it is a decisive victory. Who wants that in the finals of the World Title tournament? This segment was supposed to build the main event but between both men’s terrible promos and the eye-roll that is Dixieland it has me dreading it more than anything.

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We go backstage where Chris Sabin sneaks up behind Velvet Sky. He asks if she has her back tonight and she says she does. He asks if she changed her hair, which she didn’t, and they walk off.

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Rockstar Spud trespasses on private property and attempts to break into one of the trailers. The door is open so he walks in, then talks to a stuffed deer head and almost falls over an acoustic guitar. Spud sits down on the sofa and sees the World Heavyweight Title laying on the coffee table. Spud gets excited but down comes AJ Styles. Styles tells Spud he knew he was coming which is why he left the door unlocked. Styles says he is one step ahead of Dixie and says they can handle it one of two ways: call the police or call “some friends”. Styles asks Spud if he’s seen Pulp Fiction and Spud goes to leave. Styles stops him and snatches the World Title belt back before Spud runs away before he’s made the Gimp in Styles’ freaky sex fantasy.

• THOUGHTS: Okay.

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-Commercial Break-

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Mr. Anderson is walking backstage, talking about The Aces & Eights funeral. He says it’s time to get serious and focus on regaining the World Title. Off he walks.

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Austin Aries makes his way out for the next match (FINALLY). His opponent, X-Division Champ Chris Sabin, makes his way out second along with Velvet Sky.

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Match #2: Chris Sabin (c) [w/ Velvet Sky] Vs. Austin Aries for the TNA X-Division Title

Aries starts with a side headlock. Sabin backs him into the corner and breaks sort-of clean with a slap to the chest. Aries chops back but Sabin grabs a side headlock. Aries sends Sabin running by dropping down multiple times, then goads him into an elbow drop which he misses. Aries lays in the corner as the crowd chants his name. Sabin charges but Aries dodges and does a victory lap around the ring. Aries then creeps on Sky, which Sabin tries to use to his advantage but Aries dodges his attempt and hits him with a baseball slide. Aries heads to the top and Sabin hides behind Sky. Aries jumps to the apron and Sabin trips him, sending him tumbling to the floor. Sabin rolls Aries back in and Aries fights back with lefts. Aries sends Sabin to the corner and gets floated to the apron. Aries knocks Sabin down but misses the top-rope missile dropkick. Sabin hits a Black Hole Gutbuster and covers for 2, then covers for more 2-counts.

Sabin applies an abdominal stretch and waves at Sky while keeping the hold. Sabin hits a hotshot front suplex sending Aries stomach-first into the top rope. Sabin covers but only for 2. Sabin goes for another suplex but Aries blocks it and sends him stomach-first into the top rope instead. Aries boxes the ears repeatedly and sends Sabin off the apron and to the floor with a discus forearm. Aries hits a top-rope axhandle and soaks in some more crowd adulation. Aries rolls him in, hits a top-rope missile dropkick, and then eats a boot when he attempts the corner dropkick. Sabin goes for a follow-up but Aries blocks and sends Sabin into the corner with a hip toss. This time Aries connects with the corner dropkick. Sabin holds onto Sky as he gets picked up, distracting Aries. Sabin rolls him up for 2 an Aries’ kickout almost sends him flying into Sky who’s on the apron. Sabin stops short and walks right into the BRAINBUSTER for the 1…2…3! New champ!

Winner and NEW X-Division Champion [via Pinfall]: Austin Aries (6:10)

• MATCH THOUGHTS: Remember when I accused Angle of going through the motions last week? Well he had nothing on Aries who appeared to be on autopilot the whole damn time. Passionless wrestling is the worst. This match was a bore. Sabin’s X-Division Title reign was totally pointless, much like his World Title reign this year.

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-Commercial Break-

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DURING THE BREAK: Chris Sabin accuses Austin Aries of putting Velvet Sky in harm’s way to win the X-Division Title. Sabin says he’s entering into the Feast or Fired match tonight and might just bypass him. Aries says he’s going to steal Sabin’s idea and also enter the Feast or Fired match. Sabin asks if Aries is gonna steal his woman too and Aries says Sabin just keeps giving him good ideas. Creep.

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Magnus is backstage and cuts his promo short to take a call from his cell. How Dixie Carter of him. Foreshadowing?

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A video plays to hype the card for next week’s Final Resolution.

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We go to the ring, where the four briefcases are hanging on poles around the ring. Mr. Anderson is out first. Anderson catches the old-timey mic and says The Aces & Eights are gone and he’s hungry for gold. He goes into his MIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTER ANDDDDERRRRSOOOOOON schtick but is cut off before the echo by Bully Ray who attacks him from behind. Ray then ices Anderson with a piledriver on the entrance ramp. Ray grabs the hanging mic as ominous music plays (LOLOLOLOL). Ray goes into a monologue about evil conquers good and says “for he who is Fear awaits you”. Ray says many lifetimes later Anderson lays destroyed, a corpse of a rebel. Ray says Anderson has raped him (UGGGGH) of his future and says he will see to it that he’ll be responsible for their future.

• THOUGHTS: That was quite a passionless Bray Wyatt/Raven-style promo from Bully Ray, complete with goofy ominous music in the background. I couldn’t stop laughing. What the HELL was that? Also does this mean Anderson is out for another month or is he just gonna shrug this one off easily because the storyline doesn’t necessitate him having to disappear?

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-Commercial Break-

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A host of competitors are already in the ring for Feast or Fired but we return in time for Samoa Joe to make his entrance. Next up are James Storm,Gunner, Austin Aries, and Ethan Carter III.

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Main Event: Samoa Joe Vs. Norv Fernum Vs. Dewey Barnes Vs. Curry Man Vs. Hernandez Vs. Chavo Guerrero Jr. Vs. Zema Ion Vs. *TNA X-Division Champion* Austin Aries Vs. Ethan Carter III Vs. Chris Sabin in a Feast or Fired Match

Curry Man bails early and Aries takes out a couple of people on the floor with a splash. Ion hits Aries with a baseball slide. Hernandez then takes flight and hits the bodies, followed by Storm. Fernum and Barnes then take flight and also hit the pile of bodies with splashes of their own. Joe is the last man standing in the ring so he gets a running head start and the two nerds eat a tope suicida. EC3 looks like he’s gonna do a splash but climbs up and grabs Briefcase #3. HE SHALL FEAST…OR BE FIRED! The match continues next.

-Commercial Break-

More chaos and anarchy as we return from break. Joe takes out a whole bunch of people with double clotheslines as we see a clip of EC3 grabbing a briefcase earlier. Joe sends Hernandez into Guerrero then hits the former with an enziguri. Joe then sends Gunner into Storm then clotheslines the former out to the floor. Joe takes Barnes out with a kick then powerbombs Fernum onto his nerd partner. Sabin goes for a briefcase but Joe chops him in the spine. Sabin attempts a Tornado DDT but Joe throws him off then connects with an STO when Sabin tries a splash. Joe grabs Ion on the apron and Fernum & Barnes toss him out to the floor. Fernum and Barnes both go for Briefcase #2 but Ion shoves them out to the floor and grabs it instead. ION WINS BRIEFCASE #2.

The action spills back inside. Aries goes for a briefcase but then takes Storm and Hernandez with a crossbody instead despite having a clear line to a briefcase. Aries sends Gunner into Storm then takes Hernandez out with a discus forearm. Aries hits a whole lot of corner dropkicks on every competitor in the ring. Aries goes for Briefcase 4 but Fernum and Barnes pull him off. Aries takes Fernum out with a discus forearm. Fernum falls back trapping Barnes in the corner. Aries drops both men throat-first on the top rope then connects with a 450 Splash on them.

Aries climbs up to grab a briefcase but Sabin grabs him and sends him flying face-first into the apron. Aries reverses an Irish whip and sends Sabin crashing into the ring steps. Joe beats on Guerrero in the corner but misses a splash. Guerrero goes for a monkey flip but gets seated on the top turnbuckle instead. Guerrero then gets launched by Hernandez to the top turnbuckle and grabs Briefcase 4. Please be the one who’s fired.

One briefcase remains and GunStorm take Joe out with a double team kick/Russian legsweep combo. Gunner splashes Hernandez in the corner. Tower of Doom by Gunner on Hernandez, Fernum, and Barnes. Storm superkicks Joe off the apron and makes his way up for the final briefcase (#1). Gunner crotches Storm on the top turnbuckle strut and climbs over him to grab the final briefcase!

Winners: Gunner (Briefcase #1), Zema Ion (Briefcase #2), Ethan Carter III (Briefcase #3), Chavo Guerrero Jr. (Briefcase #4) (14:12)

• MATCH THOUGHTS: Not a match you can really review so I won’t; instead I’ll just use this time to pray to the wrestling gods that this means Guerrero is gone from TNA. MAKE IT HAPPEN.

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Jeff Hardy meets up with Dixie Carter backstage as we fade to COPS.

• THOUGHTS: Way to tease a more interesting storyline than the one you’re likely going with, TNA.

*****

OVERALL SHOW THOUGHTS: A chaotic and overstuffed edition of Impact Wrestling with too much going on and not enough time to showcase it. Some things were interesting but the matches were dull as dirt and the announcement of the “Dixieland” match made me dread next week’s show instead of getting me hyped (Hardy and Magnus being terrible with their promos didn’t help either). But while I didn’t necessarily like the show I was entertained by it. Probably for all of the wrong reasons but hey it is what it is.

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Only a few more weeks remain of Jon’s 411 run but he’ll still be talking rasslin’ on his own site Pro Wrestling Update as well as on Twitter