411’s WWE Smackdown Report 09.02.04

Greetings once more, everyone. Good Ol’ Double M is fleeing from the Impending Doom (capitalization intended) that’s about to hit Florida, and Fried, your new Smackdown recapper, is pre-empted along with 17% of America’s viewing audience, so everyone’s favourite emergency fill-in offered to lend a hand. Please, hold your applause until the end.

Anyway, when we last left our heroes, Kurt and Eddie were fighting each other vicariously through automobiles, Booker and Cena were headed for Australia tied at one match apiece, and Heidenreich decided that Josh Mathews simply wasn’t Tough Enough. What surprises will this week bring?

If you recall, I do a wild and flailing attempt at play-by-play, which tends to suffer during cruiserweight matches. So bear with me, if you please.

That said, it’s 7 o’clock in Canada, and that means it’s time to get on with the show.

The following program contains material that may be unsuitable for some viewers. Unless you’re a Raw Diva, apparently.

Live on tape from Sacramento, CA.
Your hosts are Tazz and Blunder the Boy Wonder

Promo for Angle-Eddie III: This Time, It’s About Cars, which takes us to the opening video and pyro.

Booker T’s out to start the show, in street clothes. Though I wouldn’t wear that shirt in the street, myself. It seems that everywhere Booker goes, there are people chanting for Cena. Yeah, that’s a little creepy. However, last week, Booker evened the Best of Five series, and even has accompanying videotape. And in Australia this past weekend, Booker grabbed some pants and stole a second victory as well. Booker knows how important it is to close out a series, unlike a certain team from around Sacramento. When he beats Cena for the third time, he expects everybody to start kissing his loud bleep. Well, that’s what I heard, anyway.

Rey Mysterio interrupts the closing catchphrase, because he has a query for Booker. He wonders if Booker wants a match tonight, because although he’d like a rematch with Spike Dudley, if Booker doesn’t leave, there’ll be a throwdown right about now. Booker recycles Kurt’s old “you must be this tall” joke, so Rey offers to get rid of the “Cena” chants, and exhorts the people to chant “619” instead.

But before we can get to the fighting, Kenzo Suzuki’s out as well, and he notes that 619 is an American area code, but Rey is not American. Therefore, Rey is a liar. Okay, his broken English needs work, because he’s sounding more like Eugene than a Bronze Age warrior. Apparently, this makes Kenzo mad, because he loves America, and even has a big smile like Tom Cruise. That was…odd.

RVD breaks up the gabfest by attacking Kenzo, but is followed by Rene Dupree. The fight spills towards the ring, where Rey helps up, but Teddy Long’s out to break things up. Or rather, make the fight official, because we’re going to have a six-man tag match right now. Come on, guess who the sixth man is.

Commercials That weird building that explodes in the first part of the Resident Evil: Apocalypse trailer is Toronto City Hall. Now you know something that you didn’t five seconds ago. Unless you already knew that.

RVD, Rey Mysterio, and John Cena vs United States Champion Booker T, Kenzo Suzuki, and Rene Dupree

We started during the break, and we’re back to Suzuki fighting Cena. Cena with a back suplex into a slam, but he pauses to yell at Booker and gets attacked from behind. Booker tags in, still in street clothes, but Cena fights back, and Booker quickly tags out to Dupree. Back bodydrop by Cena, and he maintains control. Double axehandle of the second rope by Cena, and he tags RVD. Scoop slam and a tornado legdrop get two for RVD. RVD goes for a monkeyflip, but Dupree reverses to a waistlock, reversed again by RVD for a couple armdrags. They pause so RVD can acknowledge the crowd, but Dupree gets a cheapshot during the thumbs. They battle in the corner, and RVD goes for another monkeyflip, but gets hotshotted. Suzuki tags back in, and gets a clothesline, which RVD is kind enough to sell like Marty Jannetty, for two, as Rey breaks up the count. Kenzo tags Booker, who hits a leaping side kick, which gets two, broken by Cena. Dupree switches in without a legal tag and applies a devastating chinlock. RVD fights up and kicks Dupree in the head, allowing a tag to Rey. Senton to Dupree, Rey dumps an interfering Suzuki, and hits a springboard crossbody and his fancy bulldog for two. Big boot by Dupree grounds Rey, and we get the French Tickler. Rey gets a headscissors to set up a mocking French Tickler, but Booker dumps Rey. Cena runs in to dump Booker, and in the ring, RVD hits the Five Star Frogsplash on Dupree. Suzuki tries to interfere, but RVD dumps him, then hits a slingshot crossbody to the floor. Back to the ring, where Rey hits Dupree with 619 and Drops the Dime for the win.

Winners: RVD, Rey Mysterio, and John Cena by pinfall at about 8 minutes.

Video of Angle-Eddie I, at WrestleMania XX, with a Boot Ex Machina ending.

Commercials You know, they can run commercials for Anacondas every five minutes all they want, the movie is still a bomb.

WWE Smack of the Night is Heidenreich beating up the second string announcer. Good boy. Now get Chimmel.

Backstage, Teddy Long approaches Paul Heyman about his new client. Heyman is being held personally responsible for last week’s beatings, and Heidenreich has been fined five grand. Heyman tries to weasel out because Heidenreich doesn’t carry that kind of money, so Long demands the funds from Heyman. And since it’s Heyman, he demands cash only. Heyman sucks up until Teddy leaves, then sneers and enters Heidenreich’s locker room.

They run footage of Billy Kidman royally bleeping up a SSP last week, and royally bleeping up Chavo Guerrero in the process.

Backstage, Kidman and London are approached by Jamie Noble, who’s apparently Chavo’s partner. See what I miss by not watching Smackdown? Oh wait, the entire pairing doesn’t make sense anyway, so we’ll move on. Kidman passes all the blame onto the dangerous properties of his SSP, but Noble blames the possible end of Chavo’s career on Kidman. This has some visible effect, and London tries to get Kidman to regain his focus afterwards.

Commercials

A promo video for Carly Colon, aka Carlito Carribean Cool, who enjoys long walks on the beach, and spitting apples into the faces of old men. Hey, another ethnic stereotype, I guess we haven’t hit our limit yet.

WWE Tag Team Champions Paul London and Billy Kidman vs Full Blooded Italians – Non-title

Earlier today, Nunzio and Stamboli plotted how to beat the SSP. Many slaps were dealt. Whassamattayou?

London and Nunzio does some waistlock reversals, and London hits a dropsault. Nunzio charges London in the corner, but London hops over Nunzio and kicks him in the back on the way. Nunzio bails, and London coaxes him back in. Nunzio slaps London, and the match threatens to break down, but the ref restores order. Snapmare and a legdrop by Nunzio gets two, and he tags Stamboli. Back bodydrop by Stamboli, and a kneelift leads to a pin for two. Charge by Stamboli hits boot, but he comes back with a press slam. Nunzio tags in, but runs into a back bodydrop, and London tags Kidman. Top rope crossbody by Kidman, and he and Nunzio have some back-and-forth offense until Stamboli distracts Kidman. Headscissors and a Samoan neckbreaker by Kidman, and London and Kidman double dropkick Stamboli to the floor. Nunzio dumps London, and gets a Russian legsweep for two. Kidman hits a dropkick and sets up for the SSP, but has a change of heart and tags London. London enters, still arguing, and Nunzio gets a backslide for the win.

Winners: FBI by pinfall at 3:52

Post-match, London remains in the ring, and gets clotheslined by a suddenly-appearing Heidenreich. Heidenreich hits a catapult, then two shoulderbreakers. Hey, because a shoulderbreaker worked wonders for Rocky Maivia, if I recall. Then Heidenreich decides he’d like to move up from cruiserweights and B-show announcers, and chases Cole halfway around the ring. Heyman finally hits the ring to prevent further problems.

Commercials These Cherry Poppers/Swedish Berries/Fuzzy Peach commercials suck. That’s all I can say, there’s no other word that would be more accurate.

Promo for the Big Show. He’ll be back in three weeks. And he’s big.

Backstage, Teddy sends a ref to find Paul Heyman for him, in order to deliver more ultimatums, then turns to deal with Torrie Wilson. She’s afraid about the return of the Big Show, who did cause her irreversible trauma before leaving. Fortunately, Teddy’s got it all figured out, as he’s ordered Show to attend anger management courses. This news is, shall we say, less than encouraging to Torrie.

Chief of Staff Orlando Jordan vs Charlie Haas w/Miss Jackie

JBL provides guest commentary. I consider hitting “Mute”, but resist out of deference to those who might read this and expect completeness. So, unless I say different, assume he’s not shutting the hell up. He’s also fully healed, despite getting chokeslammed while in a neck brace last week.

Haas goes for a leg, but settles for a waistlock and rides Jordan to the mat, then grabs a front facelock, which Jordan escapes. Haas powers Jordan into the corner, but Jordan sneaks in a double-leg takedown during the ref break. Jordan slams Haas into the turnbuckle, then feints towards removing it. Jordan chokes Haas in the ropes for a while, then goes up top, but Haas ducks a crossbody. Right hands drop Jordan, and Haas hits an Exploder for two. Jordan goes into the turnbuckle, reverses a whip, but misses a charge, and Haas hits a springboard clothesline off the top rope. Haas goes for Germans, but Jordan rips off a turnbuckle pad, slams Haas headfirst into it, then Jordan hits some sort of neckbreaker for the win. JBL was silent for perhaps thirty seconds. I haven’t heard so many run-on sentences since the last time I had a conversation.

Winner: Orlando Jordan by pinfall at 4:10

Postmatch, JBL gives Haas a Clothesline from Hell. Whee…

Video of the Republican National Convention, with Ivory, Linda McMahon, and Big Show. I’m Canadian, and thus don’t care. Though I will say that Show looks a lot younger, with longer hair and his goatee down to stubble.

Commercials Hey, will someone tell me why Americans treat preseason football games like they matter at all? Seriously, I don’t think the fact that your third stringers beat their third stringers is really going to have any effect at all on the regular season.

Video of the Smackdown Australia tour. Think they’ll ever run a video where the Superstars just rip on the tour? “Yeah, it sucked, the fans sucked, the country sucked, I hope we never come back”. Maybe they should have done one after Summerslam.

The Dudley Boyz w/WWE Cruiserweight Champion Spike Dudley vs Billy Gunn and Hardcore Holly

Spike slaps Holly, and a brawl breaks out. We settle down to Gunn hiptossing D’von for two. Gunn tries an early Fameasser, but gets tripped by Bubba, and D’von clotheslines him down. D’von with some choking, and Bubba tags in with a pin for two. Holly tries to attack Bubba, but he’s not legal, and allows a tag to D’von. Elbowdrops by D’von get two, and Bubba tags back in. A doubleteam attempt fails, and Holly tags in and cleans house. Back bodydrop to D’von, and Holly whips Bubba into D’von, then powerslams him for two. Gunn tries a corner splash on D’von, but Spike pulls D’von out of the way, and Gunn hits the floor. Spinebuster by Bubba on Holly gets two. Holly fights back and gets a top rope clothesline, but D’von is distracting the ref, and Spike runs in with a belt shot, which gets the win.

Winners: The Dudley Boyz by pinfall at 3:17

Video of Angle-Eddie II at Summerslam, with anklelocks aplenty.

Commercials It’s 7-3 Toronto in the bottom of the third. God, I love watching bad teams play each other.

Another video for Carlito Caribbean Cool, who hates uncool people, and steals a guy’s cell phone. I expect next week he’ll be pushing over old ladies.

Raw Rebound, completely avoiding any mention of bleep-guzzling gutter bleeps. In retrospect, I sort of regret channel surfing instead of watching the Diva Search. Sort of. But not a lot.

Commercials

Smackdown Throwback is the Amazing Exploding Ring, courtesy of Brock and Show. Legitimately one of the cooler things I’ve seen at a wrestling show. Also, it apparently makes sense that Show will return in three weeks, as it’ll be the fifth anniversary of Smackdown. Aw man, I’m old.

Eddie Guerrero vs Kurt Angle – Best of 3 Falls, First Fall

Eddie goes after an ankle, and they trade holds, ending with Kurt holding a front facelock. Kurt backs Eddie into a corner, and they break clean. Lockup, and Kurt tries to hold a waistlock, but Eddie escapes. They circle again, and try a test of strength, won easily by Kurt, but Eddie fights back up and gets a drop toehold, into a headlock. Kurt armdrags out of it and gets an armbar. Eddie trips Kurt and grabs a leg, but Kurt escapes and transitions into a headlock for a quick two. Eddie fights out and they battle over a wristlock, but Kurt pulls hair to break. Another lockup, Kurt gets a shoulderblock, and they trade headlocks. Kurt goes for another wristlock fight, and again pulls hair to break. Pity Eddie can’t use that strategy. They go back to the wristlock again, and Eddie shows how smart he is by yanking Kurt down with his singlet. When Kurt argues, Eddie snaps his straps for a lighthearted moment. Eddie gets a headlock, and maintains it by holding onto Kurt’s singlet, but Kurt breaks and pulls down the straps. Kurt starts off the brawling portion of this match with kicks and punches, but Eddie goes for a sunset flip and yanks down Kurt’s trunks for the full moon effect. Kurt ditches and heads up the entranceway, while Eddie relaxes on the top rope. Upon admonishment by the ref, Eddie slaps himself on the wrist in punishment. Nice. Kurt makes it back to the ring, and runs into a couple armdrags. Eddie gets a waistlock, but Kurt mulekicks him while blocking the ref. Dueling punches begin, and Eddie deliberately lowblows Kurt. Unfortunately, the ref sees this one, and Eddie loses the first fall by DQ.

Winner of the First Fall: Kurt Angle by DQ at 8:52

Commercials Now it’s 8-5 in the bottom of the fourth. See what I mean?

Eddie Guerrero vs Kurt Angle – Best of 3 Falls, Second Fall

We’re back, as Eddie beats on Kurt in the corner. Back bodydrop by Kurt, and he follows up with a belly-to-belly suplex. Kurt swings away, and gets a snap suplex for two, and two again. Waistlock (a reverse bearhug, Tazz?) by Kurt, but Eddie elbows out and gets an overhead belly-to-belly suplex. Kurt replies with same, that gets two. I thought they banned that move? Especially in Kurt’s case. Backbreaker by Kurt gets two, and we go to the chinlock. Eddie bites, then fights up, but a charge misses, and Kurt gets Rolling Germans. Kurt stalks Eddie, but the Angle Slam is reversed to a rollup for…the pin?

Winner of the Second Fall: Eddie Guerrero by pinfall at 8:21 (17:13 total match time, including commercials)

Speaking of which…

Commercials

Eddie Guerrero vs Kurt Angle – Best of 3 Falls, Third Fall

We’re back to Eddie in a waistlock, as they replay the results of the first two falls. Eddie struts to gain a vertical base, elbows out, but Kurt clubs him down. Angle Slam is reversed to a hurricanrana, and we have a double knockout. Kurt swings for the fences, but Eddie Hulks up and beats Kurt down. Legscissors by Eddie, and he goes for Rolling Verticals, but Kurt reverses to a German suplex. Another Angle Slam, this time reversed into a DDT. Eddie heads up top, but Kurt hits the Pop-Up Superplex for two, as Eddie gets his foot on the ropes. Angle Slam finally hits, but that only gets two. Kurt grabs the Anklelock, but Eddie’s in the ropes, and he rolls Kurt into the turnbuckle. Rolling Verticals, and we’re going up top again, but here’s Luther, and he distracts Eddie into knocking him off. Eddie goes back up, but Kurt rolls out of the way of the Frog Splash. Another Angle Slam, and the straps, previously replaced, come down again. Anklelock, but Eddie rolls out, conveniently bumping the ref in the process. The lightbulb goes on in Eddie’s head, and he hits a slingshot crossbody onto Luther on the floor, then grabs a chair. Eddie takes Kurt out with two chairshots, then deals with an interfering Luther in a likewise manner. The ref revives, so Eddie passes the chair to the recovering Angle, then falls down. The ref argues with Kurt, while Eddie plays games behind his back, but Luther sneaks up behind him and slams a chair into Eddie’s leg. Kurt grabs the Anklelock Deluxe, and Eddie taps out.

Winner of the Third Fall: Kurt Angle by submission at 13:10 (20:23 total match time, including commercials and replays)

Definitely a much better match than their Summerslam affair.

Post-match, Luther attacks Eddie and hits his modified swinging neckbreaker, though Kurt doesn’t seem excited about this development.

That’s all from me, see you Sunday.