411’s WWE Raw Report 01.17.05

BACKGROUND MATERIAL

I’m still crying out for some free-TV TNA up here so I can finally see two things: the cool alternative to WWE, and Jeff Jarrett retaining his belt every match. Csonka has your Final Resolution wrap.

Randle is at Raw tonight. I almost decided to go, with the show being in my hometown and all that, but Thor said that it was not to be. So it wasn’t. I expect pics of Randle with his brand-new Randy Wear tomorrow. We all know what the “Randy” is short for.

Nute breaks down the Rings of Saturn.

Zucconi tears the Raw bookers a new one.

Dunn‘s Rumble retrospective continues!

B-Show Cavalcade! Fried has Velocity, Campbell has Experience, and Alex P is probably on his way with Heat.

And you can discuss tonight’s goings-on as they go on in the live Raw thread in the forums.

Enjoy a very special Bizarro World edition of Raw!

Let’s do it…

411’s WWE RAW REPORT – 01.17.05

We open with a short tribute to Martin Luther King, Jr.

Recap of HHH giving Batista his props for helping him win the belt, and Orton calling HHH on not saving Batista from a pinfall at Orton’s hands. That led to Orton beating Batista in a #1-contenders’ match after shoving Batista into a chair held by HHH. Is THIS the end of Evolution?

Usual intro video, and WELCOME to RAW, LIVE from the AIR CANADA CENTRE in the Centre of the Universe, TORONTO, ONTARIO, CANADA! We have PYRO! JR and King are your hosts.

Promised for tonight:
– CHRIS BENOIT vs CHRIS JERICHO!
– Kane vs Gene Snitsky in a no-holds-barred match!

But first, it’s Chris Jericho in the ring with the “Highlight Reel” set-up! “WELCOME TO – RAW – IS – JERICHO!” [Y2J! Y2J!] “And tonight definitely is Raw is Jericho, because later tonight, I am gonna be facing one of my most respected opponents in Chris Benoit.” Last night in Winnipeg, Jericho won a Rumble qualifying match! And right now, of course, this is the illustrious HIGH-LIGHT REEL. So, on that note…

That note would be Muhammad Hassan and Khosrow Daivari‘s music. And they get a pretty mixed reaction – at first glance it sounds about 60-40 against them.

Hassan gets the stick and soaks in the mixed reaction. It’s getting more negative as he stares down Jericho. “Let me let you two little assclowns in on a little secret. This is the highlight reel – this is a talk show – and in this country, it’s customary for the host, ME, to introduce the guests, YOU, not just have you wander out here whenever the hell you feel like it.”

“Maybe. But I think it should be customary for the host to get to the point, instead of just rambling on about himself.” [Boo!] “Whoa. Hold on a second, cowboy! I wasn’t gonna forget about – I was gonna give you your proper due. … Ladies and gentlemen, let me present to you my guest tonight on the Highlight Reel, Mister Muhammad Hassan and his wacky goofy creepy little sidekick Daivari.”

Jericho has a question: Why such sourpusses? Why are they always so angry all the time? “He mocks Hassan telling him to get to the point. He thought they’d be happy to not be in the US. [Big pop.] “You’re standing right here warmly ensconced by the loving embrace of thousands of Jerichoholics! Oh yeah! While nestled snugly in the hearty bosoms of TORONTO, CANADA!”

“Funny you should sa that. because I’ve got a connection to Canada. BEcause Canadians, like Arab-Americans, are considered second-class citizens in the United States.” [Boos?!] “But the difference between us and Canadains is that they deserve to be treated like second-class citizens! Come on! After all, it’s Canada’s fault for the way I’m bein’ treated in my own country! Peoplpe look at me like I’m a terrorist, and everybody knows that the real terrorists gain access to America through Canada! Because Canadian officials were too stupid and incompetent to do their jobs right!” [Boos.] [You suck!] “And you Canadians, with a self-righteous attitude, like you’re classier than Americans. Because in reality, each and every single one of you is a hypocrite. You have the same racist feelings that any American has; you just know how to hide it better. Canadians are afraid to show their true feelings. Because they know, if confronted, they can’t back it up.” [Canada!] “Just – just two quick things. First of all, shut the hell up.” [Pop.] Second of all, racial prejudice aside, these fans are going to have no problem telling Hassan what they think about him.

Khosrow has something to say. He says it.

Jericho: “First of all, you just had 15,000 Canadians calling you an asshole.” Jericho says that he’s learned Khosrow’s language, and Khosrow just said that Jericho’s band Fozzy has a new album called “All That Remains” coming out tomorrow, and he wants an autographed copy! But he didn’t ask nicely, so no dice.

Hassan says that, since Jericho was born in the US and raised in Canada, he’s the worst of both worlds: the filth of an American and the disgusting cowardice of a Canadian.

“Well, behalf of Canadians and Americans…” And he pops him with a right, dumps Daivari, and forearms Hassan. Jericho locks in the Walls and Hassan taps! Daivari comes from behind with a rear naked choke. Jericho dumps him, but Hassan gets the Finishing Touch and the camel clutch! Daivari taunts Jericho as Hassan locks it in…

But here’s Chris Benoit to make the save! The heels bolt. Play Benoit’s music.

Backstage, Triple H asks a stagehand to deliver his bags to the locker room, while saying “eh” a lot. It’s comical because he’s making fun of Canadians! HHH asks Ric Flair where Batista is gonna be tonight. He thinks Flair talked to Batista on the phone, but Flair says he got a message saying that Batista is going to be a bit late. HHH doesn’t like that, but Flair thinks it’s all going to be cool tonight.

Ad Break.

Last night in Winnipeg, La Rйsistance defeated William Regal & the injured Eugene Dinsmore to win the tag team championships.

Match #1: La Rйsistance & Maven (no entrance) vs Shelton Benjamin, Hurricane & Rosey

JR tells Eugene to listen to his doctors and come back soon. Robert Conway and Benjamin start. Conway gets two kicks and brings the brawling in the corner. “Maven sucks!” Shelton comes back with elbows. He uses a whip and a back elbow, then follows it with a clothesline. Grenier runs in and gets hiptossed. Maven starts to come in, then thinks better of it. Shelton gets a modified neckbreaker for two; Maven breaks the count and bails. Hurricane tags in and hits a leg lariat for two. Grenier tags in – “Whassupwitdat?” – Hurricane ducks a punch, pokes Grenier in the eye, and hits a running cross body for two. Hurricane locks in a headlock. Grenier sends Hurricane into the ropes, but lowers his head, so Hurricane kicks him… but Maven knees Hurricane while he runs the ropes, and Grenier tosses Hurricane out. Conway gets some offense in on the outside and puts Hurricane back in as the “Maven sucks” chant continues. The heels triple-team Hurricane as Conway tags back in in the corner. Conway gets a snapmare into a chinlock. Hurricane gets to his feet, so Conway locks in a front chancery, then Stunners Benjamin onto the top rope… but Hurricane hits a Manhattan drop and it’s hot tag Rosey. Rosey shoulders Conway, knocks out Grenier, dumps Maven and covers Rosey for two. Maven breaks the cover and taunts, but Shelton murders Maven with a clothesline. But La Rйs hits Rosey with AU REVOIR~!!, and Conway covers for the three.

Winners: La Rйsistance & Maven via pinfall (3:30)

Backstage, Randy Orton is confronted by Stacy Keibler. Stacy was happy for Orton when he won. “Well thank you!” “You’re welcome, and one more thing.” She kisses him. Oh-oh. Stacy: “See ya!” Orton: “See ya.” He gets back to walking, with a pensive look on his face.

Glass shatters?! Wednesday at 12, it’s a “Stone Cold Press Conference” at the Roosevelt Hotel in Hollywood…

Ad Break. It includes an ad for “Be Cool.”

Meanwhile, the CN TOWER is WALKING! Sponsors are “Friday Night Lights” and Snickers and Nintendo.

Randy Orton comes out in a suit to a BIG pop.

Orton smiles and looks into the crowd. Now we get a few boos. “The single most greatest moment in my life happened in Toronto, Canada. Because right here in this ring, I became the youngest World Champion in history. Words cannot desecribe – words cannot describe how it felt to stand here and raise that World Title up high in the sky for everybody to see. And in this ring, as I stood in this ring, I’m not ashamed to say it – I cried. I cried, because I accomplished something that I never thought I could accomplish. And the next night, in this ring, I bled. I bled for the same reason – because no one else thought that I could accomplish what I did. And that was at 24 years old to become World Champion. Now, everything I’ve worked oh-so-hard for was taken away from me by one man, Triple H. And I want it all back. I want back my pride. I want my blood. And I want my title. And at the Royal Rumble, that’s what I plan to do, HHH – I’m gonna beat you, and once again become the World Heavyweight Champion.”

The boos are getting a bit more vocal. (I’d rip one of the lines from the old TNM7 play-by-play but my memory’s fading).

Triple H, right on cue, hits the stage. Solid pop for him too. “That is the same song and dance that I have been hearing since I beat you for the World Title at Unforgiven. You know, Orton, I used to think you were something. I used to think that you had it. I really did. But that was before you turned your back on what brought you to the dance – that was before you turned your back on Evolution, and you’ve suffered for it too, haven’t you, Randy? Well trust me, you’re gonna suffer some more. I am a ten-time World Heavyweight Champion! You have any idea what that means, uh? Any idea at all? It means I am the greatest wrestler alive today. I have beaten them all, Orton. Austin. Rock. Foley. Kane. HBK. Jericho. Nash. Goldberg.”

Orton’s had enough. “Same old song and dance. … This is the same old speech you’ve been using the last six years!” Orton hated having to hear it every single day in Evolution everywhere he went. “We get it. You’re good. Congratulations.”

“You know what? You’re sick of hearing it? I’m sick of saying it. I”m sick to death of saying it, Randy Orton, but you know what? Every time I say it, some young punk jackoff kid thinks he’s gonna come out here and be the guy that’s gionna shut my mouth. And you know what happens? Every single time, the same thing happens: when it’s over, I walk to that ring with the world title still around my waist, and I say it one more time. So you’re sick of hearing it, Randy Orton?” He is. So HHH promises that Orton will feel some pain the day after the Rumble when he brings the speech back out with Orton’s name at the end.

Orton offers HHH a chance to prove how good he is by coming to the ring to fight. He removes his jacket. HHH does too and starts to walk. Then he thinks better of it. “You see, Orton, that’s what you never understood. I am the World Heavyweight Champion. That puts me in a league way beyond what you’re capable of playing in. You see, Orton, I don’t come to you. You come to me. See you at the Royal Rumble… kid.” And he heads behind the curtain.

So Orton follows… and runs right into a clothesline. The brawl is on! HHH beats Orton down to the ring and gets a chair, but Orton kicks him as he tries to set it up. Orton beats down HHH. Ric Flair runs in and gets beat down for his troubles. Orton threatens HHH with the chair, causing him to bail. Flair bails too.

Ad Break.

An uncontrollable lunatic has tormented the deadman with a psychotic vendetta. But this isn’t about titles. This is about one man’s ultimate demise. [“Heidenreich, your final resting place has been chosen! At the Royal Rumble, you will rest in peace.”] Royal Rumble – January 30.

Triple H is not happy. He’s sick of pussyfooting around about his whole deal with Batista. He hits the locker room, and… runs right into Batista.

Batista’s been thinking about last week’s little mess-up, and he says that after much thinking, he’s decided that it’s all cool. He says he holds nothing against HHH, and says that he’s going to Bischoff’s office. HHH insists on handling Batista’s affairs for him, but Batista says he’d rather go alone. HHH asks what it’s all about; Bischoff said it was something about the World Title. This worries HHH. “But you’re HHH. The Game! You’re the champ!” Batista pats HHH on the belt and heads off. HHH is very worried.

Jonathan Coachman: “Ladies and gentlemen, my guest at this time… none other than the heartbreak kid, Shawn Michaels!” [BOO!]

Coach points out that HBK isn’t popular up here. “Apparently, they haven’t forgotten.” HBK has thrown himself on the Canadian altar begging for forgiveness, so it ain’t happening, so though he has nothing against Canada or Canadians, so tonight, he’s gonna move on… to the Royal Rumble. HBK notes that if you win the Rumble, you go on to WrestleMania to have a shot at the title. HBK thinks he’s gonna get in for sure tonight and make sure there’s no way Edge can become World Champ.

Eric Bischoff confronts him and says that it’s nice that he has to qualify, the fact is that he’s HBK, and he’s already won the Rumble twice, and he even won the belt at WM from Bret Hart at a result of one of those wins. So there’s no need to qualify. “You want in? You got it.” But he’s set up a match for HBK tonight against Toronto’s own – Captain Charisma – CHRISTIAN! But since everyone is against HBK, it’s not fair. Not that Bischoff is going to do anything about that. Bischoff adds that Shawn’s match is next.

Shawn says he has two choices; he could give the Edge/Canadian answer and give a reason not to fight, but he’s a real American. “You want it from HBK, I’m into battle. You’re on.” And off he goes.

Ad Break.

Christian gets a THUNDEROUS HOMETOWN POP. Way to go, TO. The Peepulation and the Christian Coalition are in FULL force tonight. They make no bones about making Christian the face, which is exactly how they should handle this.

As Christian’s awesome music plays in the background, we get highlights of Edge and Shawn having a slobberknocker last week that took them all the way to a souvenir stand. Man, wouldn’t it be AWESOME if this potential Christian victory were the first domino to set up a Christian/Edge feud after WM? And here’s Edge at the top of the ramp to watch.

Ad Break.

Match #2: Christian (w/ Tyson Tomko) vs Shawn Michaels

We’re back from an Ad Break – I didn’t time it – as “Vigilant” Mike Chioda starts a double-10-count. Christian wins the slugfest, but gets poked in the eye. Christian charges but gets backdropped to the outside. Edge hits the ring area. Shawn puts Christian back in, but gets distracted. Christian takes advantage of the distraction as Shawn stands on the apron. Christian sends him face-first into the ringpost, then whips him into a lariat from Tomko as Edge provides the distraction to Chioda. Christian covers back in the ring for two. Christian keeps the stomping going. HBK comes back with rights and a left hab, but he runs into a kick and the modified backbreaker for TWO. Christian goes to the chinlock. HBK gets to his feet and elbows out, but walks to the corner, where Christian hits an inverted tornado DDT(!) for two. Christian does his patented choke standing on HBK’s neck on the second rope. Christian looks at the crowd to soak in the cheers. HBK bails into the corner, and Christian walks into two kicks, a chop and a right. But Christian comes back with a backbreaker for two. Christian pounces with a chinlock. Shawn escapes to his feet and gets some shots in, but Christian reverses a whip and tries the Unprettier! Shawn sends Christian into the corner to counter, then walks into a series of chops. Shawn gets a whip and a Thesz press. Shawn gest a backslide for TWO. Shawn gets a chop. He gets a flying forearm and the kip-up. Boos for that. Christian walks into an atomic drop. Tomko tries to provide a distraction to set up a spear from Edge, but Shawn blocks and dumps Edge. Shawn slams Christian and heads up top. The flying elbowdrop connects, and Shawn lines up the superkick. [JR: “This will not be a #1 hit with a bullet in Toronto.”] Christian ducks and lines up the Unprettier, but Shawn reverses and tries a back suplex. Christian escapes that, but Shawn superkicks him for the win.

Winner: Shawn Michaels via pinfall (~7:00)

That sure killed the crowd. Unless they’re deadset on keeping HBK strong for his match with Edge at WM, why make it so emphatic? Shawn poses in the ring. Tomko runs in and gets superkicked for his troubles. Man, now they’re just toying with TO… and Edge runs in and spears Shawn! Edge just brutalizes Shawn with rights, then locks in the dreaded Edgucator! Shawn is dead in the ring. Edge yells at Shawn for having screwed him, then stands over him with the psycho expression to a big pop.

Ad Break.

Match #3: DAVE Batista vs Viscera

It’s DAVE! And this would be how you bring the crowd back to life. We don’t know how Batista’s conversation with Bischoff went tonight. Viscera hits the ring. [DAVE: “Who is this motherfucker?”] He’s announced as being from Harlem. “Batista” chant. They lock up. Nobody gets the edge. They lock up again. Vis backs Batista in a corner. Referee Jack Doan makes him break. Vis gets a hard shot to the chest. Batista comes back with forearms, but Vis puts him back in the corner and charges with an avalanche. It’s dodged, and Batista gets the shoulder thrusts in the corner. Batista goes to the second turnbuckle and hits a hard flying forearm from the second turnbuckle. Vis wins a slugfest in the corner and charges with a forearm. Vis uses a whip. Batista walks into Viscera’s awesome Samoan drop. We get a shot of the Evolution locker room as Vis runs the ropes with a spinning elbow for two. Solid Batista chant. Vis gets a massive open-handed chop in the corner, but Batista fights back with rights. Batista can’t whip Vis… but on the third try, he gets it to work. Vis tries a Thesz press, but Batista blocks it with the big spinebuster for the win.

Winner: Batista via pinfall (2:35)

Batista heads up the ramp. He’s happy.

Benoit and Jericho are up next.

Ad Break.

Our hosts speculate on what Batista said to Eric Bischoff tonight. Backstage, Batista walks in on Ric Flair & HHH. Flair praises him for taking down the massive Viscera. Bigger they are, the harder they fall. HHH thinks it was awesome too. He asks if Dave talked to Bischoff. He offered him a qualifying match for the Royal Rumble next week. HHH thinks it’s not a good idea. “Why not?” HHH says that Evolution should have one focus: keeping the belt with Evolution, and that means taking it out on Randy Orton. The Rumble is a tough match, and if Batista gets hurt, Orton will have an opening of which he will be able to take advantage. HHH says that it seems a little bit selfish for Batista to go into the Rumble. If he goes in, then he wants to win. Then, he wants the belt. It’s all about the me, and not about Evolution. HHH’s conclusion is that Batista is starting to sound like Randy Orton. “I got your point. I got your point. Nobody likes a selfish, self-centered egomaniac. I’ll let you know when I decide.”

Match #4: Chris Jericho vs Chris Benoit

JR says this should be a classic. Jericho backs Benoit in the corner when they lock up. They break. They lock up again. Nobody knows who to cheer for. Jericho gets a waistlock. Benoit tries to reverse, but gets headscisssored for his troubles. Benoit kips up and escapes. Pop. They go to the knucklelock. Benoit kicks one hand, gets an overhand wristlock, trips Jericho and locks in an armbar. [“Let’s Go Chris!”] Jericho gets a front facelock. Benoit tries to escape, but Jericho gets an armbar. Benoit gets to the corner. Referee Chad Patton makes them break. They lock up again. Jericho gets a waistlock. Benoit reverses and hits a German. He tries another, but Jericho elbows out. Then he reverses it to a rollup and goes for the Walls. But Benoit scissors an arm to counter. Jerich orlls through to escape into a corner. They stare each other down as we head to an Ad Break. (2:49)

Ad Break ends (5:49)

We’re back live, and Benoit has Jericho in a chinlock. During the break, Benoit shoulderblocked Jericho off the apron. Jericho escapes and gets a series of chops in the corner. Jericho uses a whip and a kneelift. Jericho lifts up Benoit for a suplex, then puts him on the apron feet-first and sends him face-first into the turnbuckle a few times. Benoit climbs the turnbuckle to try and get the leverage back. Jericho’s trying a superplex. Benoit is up top too, and Jericho hits the butterfly superplex from the top! Jericho slowly heads over to cover and gets TWO. Another cover gets TWO. Jericho blocks a German and armdrags Benoit to the outside, and both guys are out. They get up at the same time. Benoit puts Jericho back in and covers with Jericho’s feet on the ropes. Benoit uses a whip and a lariat. Benoit covers for two. Benoit gets a series of rights, a whip and a forearm. And Jericho gets hung up in the ropes, so Benoit baseball slides him out. Benoit heads out and puts Jericho back in. Benoit sends Jericho hard into the corner. Jericho collapses. Now Benoit gets the rolling Germans. Benoit drops the snot rocket and heads up top. But the diving headbutt misses! Both men get up at about the same time, and Benoit tries the crossface, but all he can manage is an armbar, and Jericho ultimately rolls out of it. Benoit tries again, and this time Jericho reverses to an attempt at the Walls of Jericho. Benoit fights it and escapes with rights. Now Benoit tries the Sharpshooter, but Jericho reverses to an inside cradle for three!

Winner: Chris Jericho via pinfall (12:45)

Post-match, Benoit wants some more, but our ref isn’t having it. He offers a handshake, and Jericho accepts. Sportsmanship rules.

We get a particularly haunting retrospective on the Kane/Snitsky feud. I enjoy it, because it gives me all the golden Snitsky one-liners that I love so much. Kane! Snitsky! An anything-goes barbaric brawl – next!

Michelangelo. Mozart. Hemingway. All searched for masterpiece. One man has truly produced a work that humbles those who stand before it. His name is Chris Masters, and he is the masterpiece, and he’s not important enough to merit more than one promo video. But King is impressed.

Alter Bridge’s “Find the Real” is YOUR Rumble theme song.

Royal Rumble Card
– Royal Rumble Match
– Edge vs Shawn Michaels
– Randy Orton vs Triple H for the World Title
– Undetaker vs Heidenreich
– Bradshaw vs Big Show vs KURT FREAKIN’ ANGLE for the WWE Title

Next week on Raw, it’ll be Randy Orton vs Ric Flair for the World Title.

Trish Stratus is here to get a hometown pop. And she does just that. “Thank you. Thank you.” She says it feels good to feel appreciated. “Thank you.” “Those idiots in the States” – pop – “I mean, they just don’t get it. You know what I mean? I mean you should see the things they call me. It’s disgusting, frankly. They’re a bunch of U-S-A-holes.” Pop. “But l isten. I’m not here to gloat, but, uh, I hateto say I told you so, but I told you so, you see, I told Lita that if she faced me at NYR, it would be over just like that. And as you can see by the shiny title on my shoulder, Lita’s oh-so-inspiring comeback is over. Just like that. And you know what? Not only did I beat her, but I absolutely destroyed her knee, which means she’ll be out for a long, long time. Now, Lita, honey, just in case you’re listening, I know it’s gonna be a long, long road to recovery, and a lonely road at that, and I just wanna let you know that there is a locker room of men who would be more than happy to impregnate you and give you that baby that you keep yammering about” – pop – “I mean, just beacuse your knee is messed up doesn’t mean your uterus isn’t open for business. So, sweetie, lie back, put your legs up, and…”

BOOM. Kane‘s pyro hits at the top of the stage AND in the ring! Awesome. He hits the ring and grabs Trish as she tries to escape. “Are you scared, Trish? Huh? Are you scared? Because YOU SHOULD” – let’s go to an Ad Break.

During said Ad Break, Trish got chokeslammed by Kane. Kane gets his red and yellow lights to celebrate.

Match #5: Kane vs Gene Snitsky

Kane attacks before the bell. Snitsky’s music now says “It wasn’t my fault” at the beginning. Kane sends Snitsky into the security wall shoulder-first and upts him back in. Kane heads up top and gets the flying clothesline already. Kane lines up the chokeslam, but Snitsky bails. Snitsky gets the ring bell, and Kane walks right into a shot to the head. I’ll say it again – THE JOBBER THINKS! Snitsky chant and Snitsky gets two. Snitsky hits a sidewalk slam for two. Snitsky goes to get more plunder. He returns with a belt. He whips Kane like a government mule with the belt as the TORONTO WAVE begins again! Snitsky keeps the belt shots coming. [King: “These bizarro-land fans, they don’t know what to think about it.” Um, yes they do.] Snitsky tries a powerbomb, but gets backdropped. Snitsky runs into a boot. Kane grabs a chair, but he runs into a kick to the gut with the chair. Snitsky comes back to his senses and grabs the chair for himself. He gets a beatdown and puts the chair around Kane’s neck and heads to the second turnbuckle, but Kane removes the chair and sits up. Why didn’t he think of that last time? Kane waffles Snitsky with the chair and puts him back in the ring. [Sign: Security took my sign] Kane gets the belt, and now he starts to beat down Snitsky with it. Kane takes the fight outside and uppercuts Snitsky. Twice. He leads him to the top of the stage and slams him facefirst into the steel wall that supports the Titantron. “Table” chant. Kane obliges with the goozle, but Snitsky kicks him. Snitsky smiles and gets a punch. Kane teeters a foot and a half away from the edge of hte stage. Snitsky tries a punch, but Kane ducks and locks him in the goozle. Kane taunts Snitsky with his throat in the grip, and hits the chokeslam off the stage! Both men lie around, and nobody gets counted. Our announcers use those voices as we call for EMTs. Call it a…

No Contest (7:40)

And we’re out. See you next week.