411’s WWE RAW Report 01.20.14

Championship Roll Call:
Undisputed WWE World Champion: Randy Orton
US Champion: The Shield’s Dean Ambrose
IC Champion: Big E. Langston
Unified Diva’s Champion: AJ Lee
WWE World Tag Team Champions: Cody Rhodes and Goldust

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Tony is at a party, and Larry is off being a father, so you’ve go ta recap from the c-team tonight.

OBLIGATORY AJ PICTURE, GO~!!!!~!

411’s WWE Raw Report 1.20.14

The McMahon-Helmsleys are in the ring to start the show, and HHH tells us that the Road to Wrestlemania begins Sunday with the Royal Rumble. He sets things up like he’s getting ready to introduce BIG DAVE BATISTA, but Randy Orton makes his entrance before the name can exit Trips’ lips.

Before the World Champ can say much of note, Stephanie starts berating him about losing his cool after his loss to Kofi Kingston last week and roughing up John Cena, Sr. Steph is particularly unhappy because all eyes were on the company due to the WWE Network announcement. She tells him to fall in line with their rules, or he’ll be kicked out the door.

Orton isn’t going to hear it, though, and he fires back at both Steph and HHH for turning their backs on him and bringing back both Brock Lesnar and Batista when he was supposed to be the centerpiece of the company. He claims there wouldn’t be a WWE Network without Randy Orton. What, does he moonlight in their IT department?

Now it’s Triple H’s turn to talk, and he claims that he and his betrothed sincerely believe that Orton has the skills to be the face of the company, but he think Orton has lost his faith in himself. He says Randall wouldn’t have lost to Kofi Kingston if he was on his game. Well, at leas they’re acknowledging what level Kofi is on. Triple H says that he thinks that Orton can compete with both Brock Lesnar and Batista, and he needs to rise up, be a man, and go through both of them. He gives Orton an opportunity to make things right, starting with a Kofi Kingston rematch . . . and he also lays down an edict that Orton needs to “make it right” with John Cena when Cena shows up later this evening.

YEAAAAAHHHHHHH~! I WALK FOR MILES INSIDE THIS PIT OF DANGER~!

Batista is back!

We’ve got some substantial “Batista” chants when the Animal’s music dies down. The Authority leave him in the ring with Orton, and Randy offers a handshake but Batista snubs him. Dave wastes no time saying he’s back for one thing . . . the WWE World Heavyweight Title. He keeps his comments brief, saying that he’s going to win the Rumble and headline Wrestlemania. Then his music hits again, and he’s on his way out the door. No physicality at all, and Orton didn’t get a word in edgewise.

Commercial. I’m sick of Pizza Hut telling me how to raise my family.

Match Numero Uno: The Shield vs. Big E Langston & The Rhodes Brothers

Big E and Dean A start it off, with Ambrose running into a shoulderblock and tagging out to Rollins. He gets press slammed, and Big E tags in Goldust. The crowd starts chanting for Goldie, and he back body drops Rollins before hitting the drop-down uppercut, an atomic drop, and a knee trembler in short order. Cody tags in for an elbow off the top and a delayed vertical suplex turned into a gordbuster. Rhodes slaps on an armbar and brings back his brother, who drops a knee for one. There’s another quick tag to Cody, but Rollins is able to take over on him and unloads with some boots in the corner, though he’s caught in an O’ Connor roll before Cody nails a drop-down uppercut of his own. Rhodes misses a disaster kick as Rollins rolls out of the ring under the bottom rope . . . BUT CODY FLATTENS HIM WITH A PLANCHA! The two teams stare each other down, heels on the floor and faces in the ring, as we go to commercial.

We’re back from the break and Roman Reigns is in control of Cody. Cole notes that all six of these men will be in the Rumble as Rollins and Ambrose hit a pair of dropkicks on Rhodes. Seth stays in as the legal man and pounds on him in the corner, though he misses a Stinger Splash. Reigns comes in and cuts off a hot tag, but Cody rolls out of a belly-to-back attempt and disaster kicks him. That leads to tags to Big E and Ambrose, with the US Champ eating a belly-to-belly. Langston tries for the big splash and Reigns attempts to cut him off but is clotheslined out of the ring. Rollins cuts off a Big Ending attempt but is tossed by Big E and flattened with a Goldust dive. Ambrose is belly-to-belly’ed again and hit with the big splash. Reigns makes the save. Cody tries to cut him off with another disaster kick . . . COUNTERED WITH THE SUPERMAN PUNCH! Yikes! Reigns spears Goldust and after several more rapid fire spots that I finally lost track off, the Shield gets in some licks on Big E, setting up Rollins curb stomping the IC Champ for the pin! Didn’t see that coming.

That was a really hot finishing sequence, though it wasn’t as good as many Shield matches, as it was shorter and had a big commercial break in the middle.

Winners: The Shield (Rollins pins Langston, curb stomp)

We recap Daniel Bryan’s turn on Bray Wyatt last week.

Commercial break. They’re remaking Robocop. Post-apocalyptic Detroit doesn’t look that different from actual Detroit.

Daniel Bryan is entering the ring as we return. He explains what we all knew after last weeks’ segment, namely that his joining the Wyatt Family was a plot to get at Bray all along. He has some good lines about refusing to follow the buzzards but chewing on Bray Wyatt’s carcass anyway. He indicates that Luke Harper and Eric Rowan will be in the Royal Rumble, freeing Wyatt up for a singles match with D-Bry. Bryan chants with his fans . . .

. . . and Bray Wyatt interrupts on the Titantron. He says that being a traitor is a sin and calls the people who follow Bryan sheep. Everything that happens to Bryan from here on out is his own fault.

Commercial.

Match Numero Dos: Fandango vs. Xavier Woods

I can HEAR the channels changing. Xavier gives Fandango a rana and a dropkick, but Fanny drops him on the ropes and plants him with a falcon arrow before heading up to the top rope. There’s the leg drop, and Fandango makes short, short work of Xavier Woods.

Emma is shown in the crowd holding her sign and doing her awkward dance.

What was the point of that? What is the point of Xavier Woods?

Winner: Fandango (via Alabama Jam)

Kane and Brad Maddox are gabbing backstage when Stephanie McMahon shows up and sends Brad out of the room. She tells Kane that he needs to control himself and not act out, like he did when he chokeslammed CM Punk on Smackdown. She tells him that he is not to put his hands on any wrestlers in the future and that he’s going to have to apologize to CM Punk. Kane is hesitant at first but ultimately gives in.

Commercial.

Kane makes his entrance and requests CM Punk’s presence. Punk obliges, not wearing any pants, and in a nice touch says “It’s apology time!” instead of the traditional “It’s clobberin’ time!”

Kane, though clearly hesitant, does deliver a very PC and fairly sincere apology. Punk acts like a total dick and claims he didn’t hear him, so Kane says it again. C’mon guys, don’t you remember the good old days when you were a tag team? No?

Punk says that he’s sorry too and . . . sucker punches Kane before knocking him out of the ring with a high knee. The Big Red Machine starts towards the squared circle, but Brad Maddox cuts him off and tells him not to go any further. Maddox says Punk will get a fight if he wants one, but not against Kane. Instead, he’s going to be facing one of the two New Age Outlaws. The Outlaws play rock, paper, scissors to figure out who’s going to the ring, and . . .

Match Numero Tres: Billy Gunn vs. CM Punk

If you told me two years ago I’d be seeing this match, I’d call you crazy. Road Dogg is on commentary and actually does an awesome job.

Punk dominates with strikes early and sends Billy into the buckles. Gunn rolls out of the ring and takes a powder, but Punk follows him and throws him into the apron before jawing with the Road Dogg. Gunn takes that opportunity to ambush Punk, and we go to a commercial.

Punk is chopping Gunn when we return, and he catches him in a sleeper hold. Gunn immediately turns it into a belly-to-back for a one count. Mr. Ass hits the chinlock, but Punk does the stereotypical babyface comeback. He looks for the GTS but gets an incredibly high dropkick from Gunn. Billy gets a two count off of that, but Punk knocks him out of the ring again. The Second City Saint acts like he’s going to shoot for a suicide dive, but it’s a misdirection play, as he instead slides out the opposite side of the ring and blindsides the Road Dogg. Punk and Gunn meet back up in the ring, where Punk hits a neckbreaker for a nearfall and then connects with the kneelift in the corner. Gunn shoves Punk off when he goes for the bulldog, and the Punker collides with Road Dogg, who was on the apron. Gunn gives him a twisty slammy thing for a two count. Gunn misses a Stinger Splash, giving Punk an opportunity to try for the Savage elbow. Road Dogg pulls Gunn out of the ring to safety, so Punk wipes out Dogg with a tope suicida. Gunn ambushes Punk and throws him back into the ring for a Fameasser attempt, but Punk blocks it and lands the GTS for the victory.

Winner: CM Punk (via GTS)

Brad Maddox and Kane are back out. The Director of Operations says that he’s going to give Punk the opportunity to prove that he’s the “Best in the World” this weekend by booking him to enter the Royal Rumble first this year.

BROCK LESNAR AND PAUL HEYMAN ARE WALKING~!

Commercial.

We come back and get the now-traditional “Royal Rumble by the numbers” video package. Interesting new statistic this year: The Rumble match has involved wrestlers from 25 different countries.

Cole, JBL, and Lawler talk about the passing of Mae Young last week. We get a tribute to Mae, which is a bit awkward because it’s meant to be this heartfelt retrospective, but it’s made up of a bunch of really demeaning comedy stuff from the Attitude Era. After that, we do go to a clip from her Hall of Fame induction speech and a bunch of stills of her with various wrestlers, which is far more touching. There is a brief, light “Thank you Mae” chant from the crowd for a split second, before . . .

Match Numero Cuatro: Rey Misterio, Jr. vs. Alberto Del Rio

Alberto and Rey’s best of 5,000 series continues.

We start off with a Del Rio headlock. He takes Rey over, and Misterio transitions into a headscissors, which ADR kips out of. They circle each other and Del Rio goes back to the headlock. Rey shoves him off but is hit with a shoulderblock and a kick to the ribs for one. Misterio kicks Del Rio in the face off a rope runner sequence but is hot shotted shortly thereafter. ADR puts the boots to his man but misses a huge running kick and falls out of the ring through the ropes. He holds on as if he’s going to skin the cat back in, but Rey kicks him to cause him to lose his grip on the ropes. That sets up an Asai moonsault by Misterio, and he connects with a baseball slide kick to Alberto’s cajones back on the inside. Ten punches in the corner by Rey, followed by a weird spot in which Rey winds up essentially seated on the middle rope facing outwards and gets driven down to the mat hard by a Del Rio boot. ADR hangs his man over the edge of the ring apron and connects with a running boot to the side of the head on the floor. Del Rio places Misterio back into the ring and comes off the top with a flying bodyblock of some kind for two.

There is a guy wearing an Al Bund N.O. M.A.A.M. t-shirt in the crowd. Small detail, but I laughed.

Del Rio works the chinlock for a little while and Misterio powers out but is immediately cut off by a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. ADR stays on the back with a leaping kick and then blatantly chokes Misterio with the flat of his boot. Del Rio forces Misterio to take his face-first slide out of the ring and down on to the floor, and that’s where we take our commercial break.

On the other side of the break, Del Rio throws Misterio into the ring steps and shoots him back into the ring for a nearfall. Rey is placed on the top rope facing out to the crowd, and Del Rio goes for his mask. The referee pulls ADR off, and Misterio falls down into the Tree of Joey Lawrence, where Del Rio punches him for a while before again getting pulled off. Rey goes to the floor to regroup and put his mask on, but Del Rio goes after him. He starts stretching Rey’s back across the ring post before throwing him back in the ring. Misterio fires back but misses a charge into the corner, hitting his shoulder. Del Rio places his man on the top turnbuckle again and kicks his shoulder but misses a charge of his own and collides shoulder-first with the post. Misterio shoots off the top with a Patriot Missile but can’t follow up because he’s so badly battered. Both men lay around for a while, after which Rey takes ADR down with a headscissors and a seated senton from the top. Buzzsaw kick by Rey for two, and another headscissors puts Del Rio into position for the 619. Del Rio catches the legs and uses them to catapult Rey into the corner before connecting with a sick kick to the side of the head. Misterio kicks out of the pin attempt at two.

Del Rio starts signalling for the armbar, but Rey slips out and sets him up for the 619 again. This time it connects, and Rey drops the dime. It looks like he’s going to get three, but ADR grabs the bottom rope at the very last moment. Misterio climbs to the second rope and waits for Del Rio to get to his feet, but he jumps straight into a wheelbarrow facebuster, which is the prelude to the armbar. Misterio taps.

You know, I made fun of the number of times these men have wrestled each other, but that was a damn fun television match. Way better than the Shield six man, and you can’t say that about many matches these days.

Winner: Alberto Del Rio (via armbar)

YEAAAAAAAAHHHHH~! Pit of danger and all that good stuff.

Big Dave Batista is here and goes face-to-face with Del Rio.

SPINEBUSTER!

ROPE SHAKE!

THUMBS UP!

THUMBS DOWN!

DEMON BOMB!

GOOD NIGHT, DEL RIO!

Hugging random Filipino guy in the front row.

Awesome.

Commercial.

The Big Show is out, and he does a really obnoxious impression of Paul Heyman. This is not the feud I would interject comedy into. Fortunately, it ends quickly and he calls out Brock Lesnar. Brock obliges . . . or so we think. Lesnar does his entrance at a pretty leisurely pace, only to turn around and walk out once he gets 90% of the way to the ring. Big Show grabs the mic and calls him out again. For whatever reason, Brock saunters back out and gets all the way into the ring this time, going nose-to-nose with Show. Brock tries to double leg him, but Show blocks it! Brock tries to bull him back into the corner, but Show lifts him up and Brock takes an INSANE bump out to the floor! This causes the former UFC Champ to lose it, taking his frustration out on the announce table and some chairs. Heyman tries to district Show so that Brock can get into the ring with a chair, but Show sees it coming and prevents it. Lesnar continues to pace on the floor and starts throwing monitors. Now Brock walks away again, for real this time.

That was awesome. Brock’s dominated everybody since his return to WWE, so they’ve set Show up as somebody who can go toe-to-toe with him. This will lead to Lesnar destroying Show at the Royal Rumble, and it will be glorious.

Match Numero Cinco: AJ Lee & Tamina Snuka vs. The Funkadactyls

We get a segment from the App, with AJ celebrating her record breaking Divas Title reign. Wade Barrett tells her that nobody is at her party because nobody likes her. Wade Barrett may have the worst gimmick of the last ten years. Think of the ground that covers. This leads to AJ flipping out and inadvertently hitting Tamina with a cake. Boy, I feel like I need to download that App now!

Ariane starts off with Tamina, and she’s immediately bodyslammed. There’s a tag to AJ, who hits a Rude Awakening for two. There’s a chinlock. Ariane battles back but is cut off pretty quickly. Tamina comes back into the ring for a series of kneelifts, but she runs into Ariane’s boot to give us a tag to Trinity. Flipping clothesline and a headscissors by Trinity before she goes to the second rope for a twisting back elbow. She stays on Tamina with a dropkick but runs into a Yakuza kick before Ms. Snuka tags in Lee. AJ skips and gets caught in an inside cradle for three.

From time-to-time, people try to convince me that AJ Lee is some kind of spectacular in-ring performer. To those people, I give you matches like this, where she looked like any other WWE woman.

Winners: The Funkadactyls (Trinity cradles Lee)

We get another “numbers” video package for the Royal Rumble and run down the card.

And now there’s a hype video for Martin Luther King, Jr. and other African American leaders (and one African leader, since they slipped Mandela in there). Rather than making a joke, I would like to link you to the best piece about MLK that I’ve read today.

Match Numero Seis: The Uso Twins vs. Luke Harper & Eric Rowan

Harper starts with . . . an Uso. The Uso gets shoved into the neutral corner and pummeled. Rowan tags in and removes his sheep mask. He dominates with pretty generic offense for a while and throws the Uso out of the ring, where Harper tires to chop him but misses and hits the ringpost. The Uso fires back with chops and a superkick of his own before sliding back into the ring for the tag. The fresh Uso goes after Harper on the floor and gets the upper hand, bringing him back into the squared circle to trade punches with Harper. There’s another tag, and the new Uso takes Harper down with a cross body for two. Rowan makes a save and BADLY botches a spot with the other Uso in which he tries to shove him out of the ring with a claw hold but it goes all cattywompus. Rowan slams an Uso and puts on a rest hold that is a combination of Crush’s old cranium crunch and Sgt. Slaughter’s atomic noogie. I am not making this up. Points to Michael Cole, who actually picks up on the Sgt. Slaughter similarity. Eventually the Uso gets out of it, but Rowan tags Harper to maintain control. Luke runs into a boot and the Uso goes to the top rope . . . but he’s shoved off by the former Big Rig and collides with the dasher board. Needles to say, that’s your commercial setup.

Back from the break, and Harper is sitting around with an Uso in a headlock. The crowd gets into it and claps the Uso back up to his feet, but Harper takes him down again with a Vader attack and slingshots him into the ropes. Out of nowhere, Bray Wyatt picks up a microphone and starts cutting a promo over the match, claiming Daniel Bryan will be punished like this Usos are right now. Hell (or “heck” in Watr-ese) awaits Daniel Bryan at the Royal Rumble according to Bray.

When the focus returns to the ring, the Uso-in-peril hits a corkscrew body block and gets the hot tag. The other Uso runs wild with superkicks and a high angle Samoan drop on Harper before hitting him with the Rikishi ass splash. There’s another superkick on Rowan, and the Usos rally in the ring for their dives. One twin takes out Rowan with the plancha, but the other is cut off by Harper who lands a Michinoku Driver II of all things. The Uso kicks out but, before the match can go any further, Daniel Bryan runs in and starts unloading on Bray Wyatt. He also flattens Eric Rowan with a high kick, but the referee apparently misses it so that it’s not a DQ. Meanwhile, an Uso schoolboys Luke Harper for the three count.

Winners: The Uso Twins (Uso #1 schoolboys Harper)

John Cena apparently STILL hasn’t arrived at the arena. How many Make a Wishes does this guy have lined up tonight?

Match Numero Siete: Randy Orton vs. Kofi Kingston

Orton wastes no time in going after Kingston at the bell, nailing him with a back elbow for one, though he pauses to yell “Where are you John?!” at nobody in particular. Kofi takes him down as a result, but Orton slips out and goes to the floor. Kingston rams him into the guard rail and throws him back to the ring, but Orton runs again. Kingston goes after him once more, but this time he runs into Orton’s knee and gets slammed into the announce table. Back between the ropes, Kofi is able to rally with a forearm in the corner, but Orton trips him up and throws him into the turnbuckle. There’s a vertical suplex from the WWE Champion, but he starts looking towards the entrance ramp again. Orton uppercuts Kofi but is caught in a backslide, though he kicks out quickly and eats a Kingston clothesline. From there, he counters the draping DDT into the SOS, but this week it only gets a two count. Then, out of nowhere, we cut to John Cena arriving backstage. Orton stares at the Titantron and Kofi grabs his leg. Kingston doesn’t turn it into an offensive maneuver but instead just holds Orton so that John Cena can get ahold of him.

Cena decks Orton and the referee calls for the bell.

Winner: Not announced, presumably Orton via DQ

Cena throws Orton over the safety rail and into the crowd, forcing him up a flight of stairs. Cena actually sets up for the FU on top of the stairs, but Orton elbows out of it and runs away. They continue to “chase” each other up the stairs at a snail’s pace. This is the most pansy-ass crowd brawl imaginable. They battle up into a skybox and Orton gives Cena the slip when some fans get in his way. Both men run out of the building, where Cena watches Orton jump into some apparently random man’s car and lets them drive away. Cena stands there confused for a few seconds, and then his music plays as he reenters the arena to close the show.

Well, that was a flat ending.