Tremendous Tirades 3.03.14: Monday Night Raw

Introduction

It’s not Larry Csonka, it’s not Steve Cook, it’s JEREMY LAMBERT! THE THIRD STRING TREMENDOUS TIRADER! Some may know me from my previous writing in the MMA zone, some may know me from my various podcasts in multiple zones, some may know me from the one other time I filled in for Csonka and Cook, and others may not know me. You know things are going bad in the WWE Universe when they have to call me off the bench to review this show.

BREAKING RAW, BITCH!

NOT CM PUNK!: “Cult of Personality” hit and Paul Heyman came out. The crowd was not happy about this and they chanted “CM Punk” as Heyman egged them on. Heyman sat down in the middle of the ring and stuck up for Punk before saying that Punk wasn’t at the show. PIPEBOMB, BITCH! Heyman blamed the fans for Punk walking out. Then turned the blame towards The Undertaker for beating Punk at Wrestlemania last year. Now Heyman wants revenge and he’ll get that revenge with Brock Lesnar. Brock came out as the crowd continued loud “CM Punk” chants. He said he’s going to conquer the streak then tried to leave, but Mark Henry came out. Brock F-5’d Henry through the announce table. Then he left.

The troll job to start the show was pretty great although I thought it was weird that Heyman, a heel who had a major feud with Punk through the last half of 2013, was sticking up for Punk. Luckily, Heyman is really good on the mic and ended up making it all work and make sense. Lesnar destroying Henry was fine, but nothing we haven’t seen before. And by “before” I mean 2 months ago.

Rating (1-10): 7.0

Tag Team Championship: The New Age Outlaws (c) vs. The Usos: The Outlaws didn’t do their catchphrase this week. At least they learned their lesson. The Outlaws dominated the match through the break. Jimmy got the hot tag and ran wild before Billy cut him off. Billy missed the fame-ass-er, Jimmy leaped over the top rope onto Road Dogg while tagging in Jey, and Jay hit a super kick followed by the top rope splash for the victory. NEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS, BITCH!

Match was good while it lasted, but I wish it would’ve gotten more time. Crowd popped huge for the title change and I’m glad they finally put the belts on the Usos.

Rating (1-10): 7.5

A clip from Need For Speed played. A bunch of Divas were watching it backstage. This was terrible, bitch.

Big E. vs. Cesaro: Matched last like a minute. Big E hit Swagger at ringside so after Cesaro hit THE SWING, Swagger ran in and hit the Swagger Bomb for the DQ. After the match, Big E hit Cesaro with the Big Ending as Swagger just watched.

I didn’t like this, bitch. I was really looking forward to Cesaro vs. Big E. and it amounted to the same thing we saw last week.

Rating (1-10): 3.0

The Shield vs. The Wyatt Family: SETH ROLLINS RUNS WILD! Until he loses his balance on the ropes and the Wyatt’s take over into the break. Ambrose got the mild tag and worked over the knee of Rowan, but Harper cut that off. Crowd chanted “This Is Awesome” which was pretty premature, bitch. Rollins ended up walking out saying, “I can’t be the glue that holds things together” as Ambrose went for the tag. Things broke down into awesomeness after that as Ambrose and Reigns did their best to work together, but the numbers caught up to them. Bray hit the Sister Abagail on Ambrose for the victory as Rollins stood on the ramp and watched.

A great match with a great story. The Wyatt’s neutralized Reigns from being able to tag in, Rollins got fed up with Reigns and Ambrose deviating from the plan and all their recent bickering, and the Wyatt’s used numbers against The Shield. Just so much to like about this.

Rating (1-10): 9.5

Batista buries Daniel Bryan and the “Yes Movement,” bitch.

Tomorrow night on Main Event: Usos vs. Outlaws rematch, bitch.

Santino & Emma vs. Fandango & Summer Rae: It’s a Steve Cook special, bitch. A “We Want Paige” chant broke out in my living room. Fandango got the better of Santino, who tagged out, and then Emma dominated Summer before getting the tap out with the Emma Lock.

Nothing special, but it wasn’t offensive either. If you watched NXT Arrival then you probably like Emma more than if you just watch Raw.

Rating (1-10): 3.5

Sheamus vs. Christian: They are going to wear this match out before Mania. A back and forth match until Christian hid behind the announcers at a commercial break, bitch. More back and forth after the break with Christian playing a very good heel. The crowd was dead for most of the match until a small “This is Awful” chant. Sheamus kicked out of the frog splash, Christian kicked out of the celtic cross. Sheamus got the victory with a Brouge Kick from the apron, which was really cool.

Both guys worked hard but the crowd just didn’t care, which was disappointing. I don’t know where either man is going heading into Wrestlemania, which is also disappointing.

Rating (1-10): 5.5

Sheamus is doing an interview backstage. Christian attacked him. THIS FEUD MUST CONTINUE, BITCH!

The Bella Twins vs. Alicia Fox & Aksana: Earlier tonight these 4 girls were backstage watching that Need For Speed clip and got along just fine. Now they hate each other, bitch. Aksana throws the worst kicks and punches I’ve ever seen. Another “We Want Paige” chant breaks out in my living room. They got the heat on Brie, she made the hot tag to Nikki, who ran wild before pinning Alicia with the Torture Rack Drop.

Nothing match. I like the Bellas but Aksana is terrible and Alicia is going nowhere. Also, this match took place on the first Raw of the year, which was the last time I did the Tirade. I’ll give it the same rating I gave it then.

Rating (1-10): 2.0

YES MOVEMENT!: Daniel Bryan comes out and says that he and the crowd are hijacking Raw. He won’t leave the ring until Batista comes out to fight or Triple H answers his challenge. Triple H and Stephanie both came out. Stephanie tried to talk but the crowd drowned her out with boos, bitch. Then Daniel Bryan ignored her and challenged Triple H again. Trips turned him down then says this is the “Blame Era” or the “Excuses Era.” He called Bryan a B+ player and said it’ll take more than a B+ player to get him to wrestle. Bryan said that Triple H doesn’t listen to the people, Stephanie agrees and says the people will turn on him before talking about how the McMahon’s made Daniel, not the people. Bryan decides to challenge Stephanie. “I’m 90% sure she’d whip your ass too” Only 90%? Triple H refuses the challenge again and tells Bryan to get out of his ring. MAKE ME, BITCH! Kane comes out and Daniel hits a dive on him before security comes to take him away.

The slow build for Daniel Bryan continues. Everyone played their role in this segment but I’ll admit that I don’t care about anything Stephanie or Triple H do. Bryan and the crowd were great but it’s getting pretty repetitive with Bryan being the underdog and going nowhere.

Rating (1-10): 6.5

The WWE Panel talk about the show, bitch.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Dolph Ziggler: Aaron Paul drives Ziggler into the arena to a huge pop, bitch. Aaron Paul does commentary, which means I won’t pay attention to this match and will only listen to Aaron Paul being awesome. Aaron distracts Del Rio for a second and then Ziggler slips out of Del Rio’s armbar attempt and hits the Zig Zag for the victory.

Not much of a match, but the crowd loved Ziggler and Paul. Unfortunately Paul didn’t pick up the house mic or say “Bitch” while on commentary, thus making his entire appearance mishandled.

Rating (1-10): 4.5

Paul Bearer is the next inductee to the WWE Hall of Fame, bitch.

Big E. vs. Jack Swagger: Cesaro immediately attacked Big E and hit the Neutralizer for the DQ. Swagger pushed Cesaro and Cesaro tripped him up to go to THE SWING, but Zeb talked him out of it. They ended up hugging it out, bitch. WE THE PEOPLE!

Cesaro and Zeb were great. Sooner or later, THE REAL AMERICANS WILL EXPLODE! Better than the earlier segment as this advanced things further.

Rating (1-10): 4.5

Daniel Bryan vs. Kane has been added to Main Event.

John Cena Speaks: Cena and the crowd go back and forth as the crowd boos him, cheers him, and chants “CM Punk” before putting the crowd over. Cena says he’s still standing tall, bitch. The Wyatt’s appear on the screen. Bray cuts his usual promo.

This felt exactly like last week except with the beatdown. Luckily Cena and Bray are both good on the mic.

Rating (1-10): 5.5

Randy Orton wishes Batista luck, bitch.

Aleksander Rusev comes out, stands on a podium, and speaks a language that isn’t English, bitch.

Daniel Bryan vs. Batista: Randy Orton hangs around ringside. Batista uses his power early but Bryan goes after the knee. Batista cuts him off through the final commercial break. The Authority come down as Bryan takes control. Randy Orton attacks from behind, Bryan tries to fight back, including kicking Triple H, but the numbers catch up and Triple H pedigrees Bryan after Batista hits the Batista bomb.

Once again, Bryan is left laying. I know, I know, “wait for the payoff” but I’ve been waiting for the payoff since August and as I mentioned earlier, things are getting very repetitive. They also did nothing to build any interest in Batista vs. Orton, which is supposed to be the main event of the biggest show of the year, bitch.

Rating (1-10): 5.5

End scene.

Thanks for reading.

The Tirade
I didn’t think the show was bad and actually thought it went by pretty fast. There was some really good stuff like Bryan’s promo, The Shield vs. The Wyatts, Heyman’s promo, and the Uso’s winning the tag titles. But things also felt stagnant as we head towards Wrestlemania. Undertaker wasn’t around, Brock destroyed Henry again, Bryan continues to get beat up, and Cena/Bray cut the same promo as last week. I’m sure a lot of people will be disappointed with no CM Punk, but he was never promised and it was all speculation, bitch.

Overall I’ll say this was a good show because I want you guys to like me.

Show Rating: 7.0
 
As a reminder, I will be going by the 411 scale…
 
0 – 0.9: Torture
1 – 1.9: Extremely Horrendous
2 – 2.9: Very Bad
3 – 3.9: Bad
4 – 4.9: Poor
5 – 5.9: Not So Good
6 – 6.9: Average
7 – 7.9: Good
8 – 8.9:Very Good
9 – 9.9: Amazing
10: Virtually Perfect

The final rating is not simply an average of the rated segments above. The rating takes them into account as well as the segments that are small but not scored, the flow of the show, the overall booking, build to PPV, crowd reactions, and so on and so forth.

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Jeremy Lambert is the Jon Kitna of the Tremendous Tirade. He loves Taylor Swift and hopes one day she’ll write a song about him. He’s been Larry Csonka’s best friend since Valentine’s Day 2013 and Samer Kadi’s sworn enemy since October 3, 2013. He hopes to never grow up.

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