wrestling / TV Reports

411’s Total Divas Report 03.16.14

March 17, 2014 | Posted by Ryan Byers

Do you like Ryan’s exasperated ranting about Total Divas? If so, check out his exasperated ranting about numerous other wrestling-related topics on Twitter.

SWEET JESUS CHRIST ON A CRACKER, THEY JUST KILLED TWO LITTLE GIRLS IN THE SAME EPISODE!

. . . oh, sorry, wrong show.

HOLY COW, IT’S CM PUNK AND HE’S GOT A DECENT HAIRCUT AND THE MASSIVE BAGS UNDER HIS EYES HAVE FINALLY VANISHED!

. . . whoops, wrong show again.

Anyway, Total Divas is back for some reason.

We open with a “previously on” video package, mainly consisting of Eva Marie’s engagement falling apart in front of her uber-crazy family, Brie and Bryan’s engagement going swimmingly, and John Cena telling Nikki Bella in no uncertain terms that he’s not marrying her or having children.

The show proper starts with Nattie Neidhart claiming that the women’s division in WWE has “blown up” and is more popular than ever, over some clips of wrestling. Yes, I would say that being in the same one-segment-per-show, three minute match booking pattern that you were in before Total Divas aired is the functional equivalent of blowing up.

The various cast members are shown arriving at an arena to meet with Talent Relations Jane’s Creepy Underboss. Summer Rae is there, with no proper introduction to the audience. The Underboss says that Summer and Eva are going to start travelling together so that Summer can help Eva learn the ropes. Yes, that hard boiled veteran Summer Rae will be able to give Eva Marie the benefit of her year and year of experience between the ropes.

NOW we do the introduction to Summer Rae, who explains that she’s freshly called up from developmental to be Fandango’s on-screen partner. They don’t mention Fandango’s character from last season of Total Divas, in which he was the biggest creepy manwhore on the planet.

Summer and Eva (who I have already decided will have the not-so-fresh team name of “Summer’s Eva”) have a little sidebar and immediately bond over trashing the other girls, particularly Nattie. They keep referring to each other as their “tag team partners,” which might work if they’d ever been associated with one another on camera.

Brie Bella is having a meeting with STONE COLD SEAMSTRESS SANDRA~!, a.k.a. the true star of this show. Brie is speaking with her about; I shit you not, wanting to incorporate kickpads into her wardrobe. Yes, because when I think of somebody who throws a lot of kicks in her matches, it’s Brie. Unfortunately, Sandra doesn’t have an opportunity to point that out because Bella sudden notices a new ring on Eva Marie’s finger, leading to the bombshell that she’s eloped. Nikki Bella walks up and Brie clams up, thinking this might be a raw subject for Nikki, but Sandra just don’t give a fuck and mentions it, causing Nikki to whine about her “separation” from John Cena.

Apparently Eva Marie’s family doesn’t know about the marriage, leading to more REAL TALK from Sandra, who tells her that it would be over between her and her daughter if said daughter wound up with a secret marriage.

To demonstrate just how much the WWE women’s locker room is like junior high school, the Bella Twins now run to tell everybody else on the show about the fact that Eva Marie is married.

Somewhere in here, Nattie refers to Eva Marie as “WWE’s Jessica Rabbit.” One of these days, Nattie is going to make a reference to something that happened this millennium.

Out of nowhere, we jump halfway across the country to celebrate the Bella Twins’ thirtieth birthdays. Brie receives a “happy birthday” message from Cena and asks her to relay the same to Nikki, which is tres awkward. Everybody is up in arms about this one singular text message and spends a copious amount of time analyzing and re-analyzing it. Yup, junior high.

The scene ends when Nattie says she has to use the bathroom. I guess she’s loudly announcing that every time she goes now to remind people that she doesn’t always do it in her pants.

The girls hit the club and head into “Brie Mode,” meaning that they get drunk, not that they’re doing a hot tags and comebacks. The entire cast is there and having a good old time with the exception of Summer’s Eva.

Nattie in particular is wasted, and “Cameron/Ariane” as her new on-screen graphic calls her gets offended when the Queen of Harts gets too close to her man Vinnie, who this season now has a drawn-on, coal black Hollywood Hogan beard.

Cameron/Ariane gets up in Nattie’s face on the street and it looks like they’re going to get into it for a brief moment, but then Cameron/Ariane takes it in a more comical direction by demonstrating what Nattie dancing with Vinny looked like to her, grinding on Nattie’s thigh while yelling “Yes!” repeatedly. Cameron/Ariane refers to this as “Doing a Daniel Bryan!” Has Cameron/Ariane ever seen a Daniel Bryan match? I don’t recall those involving much dry humping. Maybe she doesn’t know the difference between Bryan Danielson and Goldust.

The next cut is so quick that I almost get whiplash from it, as we’re in Eva Marie’s car with husband Jonathan driving. Eva gets a call from her mother, who wants to come visit with her. Eva, with yet another example of our junior high mentality, says she’d be glad to see her mother and tries to convince Jonathan that he’ll just have to move out of their house for a little while during her family’s visit. Jonathan, who based on his tattoo and clothing selection looks like the absolute last human being I would expect a rational argument from, actually makes one when he says that perhaps Eva should consider telling her mother THE TRUTH, i.e. that she is married and lives with her husband.

Commercial break. Thank god. I need to breathe. Seriously, I’ve written two pages about fifteen minutes of show. There is too much crap crammed in here.

The Bella Twins are at a comic book convention, which Brie says is a “freak show.” Way to alienate your target demographic there. The duo does an autograph signing, and Nikki is upset by all of the John Cena memorabilia that fans keep bringing up to her. There is a young woman who literally CRIES because she is so happy to meet the Bella Twins. If history repeats itself, that means in ten years she’ll be WWE Women’s Champion and will have an awful neck tattoo that makes her look like a mark. Eventually, Cena cuts in the line to have photos taken with the Bellas and is completely cordial to both of them, which somehow makes Nikki feel worse than when he was in the building but not interacting with them. Is there a single female character on this show that acts like a real human being?

Cut to Casa Eva Marie, and apparently we missed a scene where Jonathan lost the argument to her, because she’s packing his bags. I’m pretty sure that Jonathan is wearing one of Eva’s t-shirts in this scene. No man needs a neckline that plunges like that. The two have the same argument that they had in the car. Oh, speaking of the car, not only is she kicking him out of the house but she’s also denying him the ability to use that while her family is in town.

Now we’re in Seattle, where Bryan Danielson is wearing a pea coat and going shopping to put some items on BrieBry’s wedding registry, which Nikki of course hates. As you can imagine, they start out a twee indy store where Danielson marks out over – and I’m not making this up – hand-made oyster shuckers. Nikki suggests that maybe they shouldn’t be registering there, because why should her sister and her fiancé do something that makes them happy?

In what I swear is a subtle form of revenge, Danielson starts showing baby clothes to Nikki. Best in the world! Best in the world!

Commercial.

Jon Uso has also been renamed to “Jimmy Uso/Jon,” and he’s sitting around with the Funkadactyls when Nattie walks by. Nattie accuses Ariane of being fake, which leads to some catiness between the two.

At a WWE event, Nattie is having a singles match with Summer Rae, and Nattie complains about how Summer needs to be more of an “Indian” and less of a “chief” in the ring. I know I make a lot of cracks about Nattie’s old-timey expressions, but she’s taking it to a new level here by incorporating the sort of quant, folksy racism that you might expect from your uncle over Thanksgiving dinner.

After the match, Nikki goes to have a heart-to-heart with Brie. “What’s up?” Brie asks. “The ceiling,” Nikki responds. High comedy. This somehow segues to Nikki and Brie talking about the dangers of mercury poisoning, but eventually they do have a relatively speaking genuine-sounding conversation about how Nikki’s situation with John Cena has her quite upset and caused her to walk out on the gift shopping with BrieBry. In case you weren’t reading these reviews last season, I would just like to point out that FROM THE ABSOLUTE BEGINNING OF THEIR REALTIONSHIP, Mr. John Cena REPEATEDLY AND IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS told Nikki Bella that under no circumstances would he either marry or impregnate her. He said this multiple times in multiple episodes and was not kidding. Given that, I fail to see how we are supposed to have any sympathy whatsoever for Nikki when she’s still upset about her current predicament.

In another corner of the backstage area, Eva meets with Naomi/Trinity, and Eva is terrified that if she tells her father that she’s married, he will have his fourth heart attack and die. Given how horribly he overreacted to things last season, that might not be outside the realm of possibilities.

By the way, what happened to the team of Summer’s Eva? Weren’t they supposed to be best friends now?

Now we’re in Eva Marie’s apartment, and her parents and brothers arrive. The family immediately asks about Jonathan, since the last time they saw her was allegedly the blow-up last season. They show some group shots of Eva and the family together, and I never noticed this before but the difference in attractiveness between her and the rest of her family is at Marilyn Munster levels. (I wanted to make sure to use a reference Nattie Neidhart could understand.) And, hey, Jonathan shows up. It’s almost as though he didn’t appreciate being kicked out of his house and decided to show up unplanned to screw with Eva Marie . . . or at least that’s what I would expect to happen if not for the fact that this show was a Total Work.

Wait a minute . . . how did he get there without his car? Was he just walking back and forth on the streets aimlessly like a NPC in an RPG?

About fifteen seconds after Jonathan shows up, one of Eva’s brother straight up asks if they’re married. In a confessional, Eva Marie says she’s not sure whether he was tipped off by hints she was dropping or possibly by JONATHAN’S WEDDING BAND. The fact that she even had to ask that question tells you everything you ever needed to know about this show.

Commercial. Is this over yet? Look at the flowers, Eva. Just look at the flowers.

When we come back, Eva admits that “technically on paper” she’s married to Jonathan. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is. Eva’s family is . . . remarkably subdued. Seriously, last season they were bellowing at the top of their lungs like inebriated howler monies when they thought there was even a possibility she might be engaged to this guy, and their reaction to the elopement is silent, grudging resignation. They all leave with no swearing or property damage.

On the other side of the country, Nikki Bella, who has been living in her mother’s condo, receives another text message from John Cena, who has chartered to a plane to California and wants to see her as soon as he lands. The first thing that Nikki does is calls Brie. Brie, like a Total Dick, raises the possibility that Cena might propose. Do you really need to get your sister’s hopes up like that?

Bryan Danielson is on speaker phone and makes fun of Nikki for acting like a girl. That would be exactly my response in this situation. He goes on to say, “What if Cena does propose and does everything better than I did with Brie?” Well, Daniel, then your marriage proposals would parallel your wrestling careers. BOOYAH! Take that, ROH fans!

Eva Marie and Jonathan check in with her family at their hotel, and for some reason the men in Eva’s family are all wearing matching jackets with Affliction-esque logos. Perhaps they’d just come from a tryout to be WWE’s newest stable. Jonathan, stupid shirts aside, earns my respect by MANNING UP and saying that he’s going to marry the woman that he loves and he doesn’t care what they say. Eva also makes a good point about her brother disrespecting their Catholic upbringing by having live-in girlfriends. Then the father gets angry and walks off again, which on a normal show would be a setup for a season-long storyline in which Eva ultimately wins back his love and trust but on this show with its slapdash writing means that either the tension will be resolved in the next two minutes or we’ll never hear anything about it again.

Nikki Bella is walking down a long pier to meet up with John Cena, who is wearing a suit and holding roses and wine glasses in a shot that is so clearly organic and not set up for the show.

Aaaaand we have a cliffhanger!

We also have a preview of what’s coming later in the season, most notably the weddings of BrieBry and Naomi/Jon/Trinity/Jimmy as well as Trinity getting her eye shattered by MMA-ksana.

Overall: Aside from the disappearance of JoJo Offerman and the insertion of the nozzle of Summer’s Eva, absolutely nothing changed about this show during the season break. Thus all of my old criticism apply and I’m really a bit hesitant to re-write them all hear yet again for fear of sounding like a broken record. Thus, I’ll stick to the one thing that bugged me more than anything else this week, which is how they handled the introduction of Summer Rae. Essentially, she was introduced and . . . immediately forgotten about. Granted, I don’t do this sort of thing for a living, but I would think that if you are introducing a new character in any form of popular medium, you would like the introduction to occur in circumstances where you can actually spend some time with the character and get to know who he/she is, be it on the first episode of a TV show, the first issue of a comic book, or the first act of a play. You didn’t NEED to do Summer’s introduction and the Eva Marie vs. her family storyline in the whole show and, given that they wanted Eva to be a centerpiece here, I probably would’ve bumped the Summer introduction to episode two in order to give the Eva and Bella stories a little bit more time to breathe. Then again, I am completely and utterly out of touch with the target demo for this show, so what do I know . . .

Do you like Ryan’s exasperated ranting about Total Divas? If so, check out his exasperated ranting about numerous other wrestling-related topics on Twitter.

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