411s WWE Velocity Report 08.16.03

Posted by Pat Brower on 08.17.2003

One More Time.

One More Time.

PERCHANCE TO DREAM
Much thanks to both GEORGE W. BROWER IV & MIKE LEE for the past two weeks of fill-ins. IV, it was always a pleasure to have you here and MikLee, your Iron Chef recapping is better than my Velocity recapping. Speaking of Velocity recapping…

VELOCITY #65
Josh Mathews and Michael Cole (wearing orange underwear, so he says)! No color guys and two play-by-play?

Watch Velocity every Saturday night starting at 10/9 CT on Spike TV!

This week, Matt Hardy will battle Orlando Jordan. The youngster from Miami has proven that he's a force to be reckoned with. Can he pull off the upset over Version 1.0?

Also, Nunzio takes on Funaki. The winner of this match, no doubt, will be one step closer to the Cruiserweight Championship. The two other members of the FBI, Johnny Stamboli & Chuck Palumbo, will be in tag-team action.

In addition, we'll take a look back at A-Train vs. Stephanie McMahon from SmackDown! And we'll update you on the SummerSlam card.

All that and I’m gonna half-ass this like (almost) never before!

MATCH #1: NUNZIO v. FUNAKI
Referee: Brian Hebner

There’s a special place in my wrestling heart for Funaki, but more on him later in this column. Lock up and they part. Test of strength. Funaki wins it. Two arm drags by Funaki. Elbow by Nunzio. Whip and back body by Funaki. 2-count on Nunzio. Second rope springboard by Funaki but Nunzio hits a mid-air drop kick to the gut. 2-count on Funaki. Kicks by Nunzio and a choke. Roll-up by Funaki for 2. Sleeper by Nunzio. Backslide by Funaki. Front chin lock by Nunzio. Suplex by Nunzio. Knee drop by Nunzio. Corner chops by Nunzio. Reversed whip by Funaki. Back elbow by Nunzio. Enziguri by Funaki. Back suplex by Funaki. Fugiwara armbar by Nunzio and he grabs the tights for the pin.

WINNER: Nunzio (4:56)

RECAP: Brock turns on Kurt. God forbid we have a Face v. Face title match at a PPV.

MATCH #2: SEAN O’HAIRE v. KEN ANDERSON
Referee: Mike Sparks

How long has Kenny Anderson been retired from the NFL? He’s way too old to be in the ring with a young gun like O’Haire. O’haire throws Anderson around a lot. Hey! Cole just used my Kenny Anderson joke! Dammit!! Some martial arts kicks by Anderson. Clothesline by O’Haire. Knees in the corner by O’Haire. Running scoop slam by O’Haire. Kicks by O’Haire. Punches by O’Haire. Knees by O’Haire. Snap mare into a choke by O’Haire. Kick to the back by O’Haire. Again. Front face kick by O’Haire. Drop kick by Anderson. Military press into the Widowmaker by O’Haire for the pin.

WINNER: O’Haire (3:49)

MATCH #3: F.B.I. v. SLATER VAIN & STEVE FENDER
Referee: Mike Chioda

Man, I am so tired right now. It’s 4:21am and I am just cashed. Anyway, you all know who wins this match, right? All Palumbo does is brawl. A few chops, punches, maybe a fallaway slam, some shoulder blocks. Palumbo & Stamboli and even Nunzio all have matching trunks now. Power bomb by Palumbo on Fender. Stomps by Stamboli. Palumbo back in immediately. FBI double team. Is Fender dead? Not quite yet. Headlock by Stamboli. Chioda misses Vain’s tag so FBI works over Fender. Hot tag to Vain and he clears house. But the FBI are too much for one mere mortal man. Super kick by Palumbo and Stamboli makes the cover.

WINNERS: FBI (4:23)

RECAP: A-Train & Stephanie. Both have floppy boobs. Only one has back hair. Any guesses?

MATCH #4: MATT HARDY, V1 (w/ SHANNON MOORE) v. ORLANDO JORDAN
Referee: Brian Hebner

Matt sleeps on his side. Matt’s fortune cookies always predict success. Yay Matt. Go Matt. Orlando punches a lot and grabs headlocks. Matt uses actual moves. The crowd digs V1, as well they should. Headlock by Jordan. Shoulder block by Jordan. Armbar and drop kick by Jordan. Matt throws Jordan outside so Shannon can get some licks in. Top rope choke by Matt. Sliding rope leg drop by Matt. Side Effect by Matt. Clothesline by Jordan. Mnay, many punches by Jordan. Power slam by Jordan. Twist of Fate but Jordan blocks it. Josh calls Cole “Cat.” Delayed vertical suplex by Jordan. Top rope cross body by Jordan. Jordan goes up top again. Shannon interferes. Jordan shakes him off and leaps. Matt counters with a boot to the gut and the Twist of Fate.

WINNER: V1 (5:29)

-365 VELOCITY & -730 JAKKED
Last year this week…
1. Hardcore Holly beat Rico
2. Bull Buchanan beat Albert
3. John Cena beat Reverend D-Von
4. Billy Kidman (w/ Torrie Wilson) & Funkai beat Jamie Noble (w/ Nidia) & Tajiri

Two years ago this week…
1. Hardcore Holly beat Hugh Morrus
2. Mike Awesome beat K-Kwik
3. Shawn Stasiak & Hurricane Helms beat Kaientai
4. Chavo Guerrero Jr. beat Essa Rios

JAKKED JUKEBOX
The wrestling may sometimes go away. The music never does.
ENCHANT Tug Of War
NEVERMORE Enemies Of Reality
JOE JACKSON Night And Day Special Edition

SHOUT IT OUT LOUD
Happy 1st Birthday to Parker Jericho Brower and Happy 11th to Nicky Davison.

WHAT THE HELL ELSE IS GOING ON?
The time has finally come. After 2+ years of the joy that we know as "TV recapping," it's time for me to move on. I've had a good run and I’ve enjoyed writing for you folks on a weekly basis. This is my last Velocity Report.
…two years later and I STILL have to talk about Albert almost every week… no wonder I’m leaving…

SHOUT IT OUT LOUDER
Thanks to widro and to Ashish for letting me be involved in their vision. These 2 guys deserve all the credit in the world for what they do and what 411 has become. None of us fully appreciate the tremendous amount of time and energy these two men spend EVERY DAY on this site. I am more than proud to be associated with what I feel is the best entertainment site on the web. Period.

Says widro: thanks for all the hard work... i'm sorry to see you go, you were a pioneer in super long teasers!

Says Ashish: You really did do a fantastic job. Sorry to see you go.

Thanks to everyone who covered for me:
George Brower for being my first choice and for getting me into this sport in the first place.
W. Dal Bush for being so damn good at it that you got your own show, and for always answering the phone in the wee hours of the morning.
Jimmy P.S. Hayes for filling in more than anyone and for never saying no. You were far better at this than you realize.
Terry Gant for volunteering at exactly the right time.
Mike Lee for taking us home (with lamb!). And for taking me to Tokyo.

…and lastly…
Thanks to SHO FUNAKI for being the WWE Superstar whom I recapped the most. As unread and unwatched Velocity and Jakked were, so is your talent underrated and unappreciated. Long may you wrestle in your adopted land. Long may you make us smile.

OVER & OUT
Thank you everybody. Goodnight.