wrestling / TV Reports
Tremendous Tirades 3.31.14: Monday Night Raw
Introduction
It’s not Larry Csonka, it’s not Steve Cook, it’s JEREMY LAMBERT! THE THIRD STRING TREMENDOUS TIRADER! Father Csonka is busy deciphering Ultimate Warrior promos while Uncle Cook is drinking more heavily than usual after the Cincinnati Reds performance today. So you’re stuck with me for the go home show to Wrestlemania. I’m sorry.
Go Home. You’re Drunk.
Undertaker Talks, Lesnar Walks: Undertaker comes out and talks about the streak and how 21 men (Triple H counts as five) have tried to swim in the deep waters and 21 men have drowned. Heyman comes out and is all SPOILER ALERT! BROCK WINS ON SUNDAY! Brock teased confrontation before finally getting in the ring and hitting the F-5 on Taker.
I figured Lesnar would get the upper hand after getting nothing this entire feud, but I expected things to be a lot worse for Taker. I guess one clothesline followed by an F-5 highlights how powerful Lesnar is, but I figured he’d destroy Taker with a chair or something so they could play up how beaten Taker is on Sunday. This was fine but nothing special.
Rating (1-10): 6.0
Big E vs. Alberto Del Rio: This match got a lot of time. Much more than I expected anyway and they went back and forth. Del Rio worked on the arm, Big E did a nice job selling before making his comeback, and then…Del Rio won. Yup. Alberto Del Rio beat the IC champ after a hangman’s double stomp and a superkick. I know the IC title doesn’t mean anything, but they’re not even trying anymore. Didn’t Del Rio lose to Sin Cara a couple of weeks ago? Now he’s beating the IC champ? I really don’t understand what they’re doing with Big E or the title at this point. Good match, strange booking.
Rating (1-10): 6.0
Summer Rae vs. Natayla: Vickie was on commentary. She explained that the Divas Match at WM30 is one fall to a finish with all 15 Divas in the ring at once. That should go well. Summer won after she shrugged off the Sharpshooter and kicked Nattie in the head. TEAM GOLD!
Rating (1-10): 6.0
In honor of Steve Cook. RED AND GOLD!
Triple H and Stephanie Cut Balls: They make fun of Fandangoing and forget the guys name before calling Fandango a “B+, maybe A- player.” Triple H says he has power, not because he married well, but because he dominated in the ring. The crowd “boring” and then Triple H plays a video of all the guys that he’s buried over the years despite them getting good crowd reactions. RVD, Booker T, Jeff Hardy, Chris Jericho, Mick Foley, Goldberg, and Kurt Angle were all in the video.
Batista came out and was actually cheered. He said that he wasn’t in the video because Triple H has never beaten him. Orton comes out and sucks up to the Authority. Trips goes into babyface mode and cuts down Orton’s ass kissing and makes the main event tonight No DQ.
I don’t know if I loved or hated this. I actually like that they acknowledge how Trips has buried everyone of the years and that he’s going to bury Bryan on Sunday. That’ll make Bryan’s win on Sunday even more special. But if Bryan loses, that’s a slap in the face to everyone watching. I guess we’ll have to wait until Sunday. Orton and Batista were essentially non factors.
Rating (1-10): 6.0
The Usos & Los Matadors vs. Rybaxel & Real Americans: These eight had a good match as a prelude to their fatal four way tag team title match this Sunday. Everyone worked hard, some harder than others, and the crowd was into it. Los Matadors picked up the victory for their team when they pulled a switcharoo and got the roll up on Swagger.
Rating (1-10): 6.0
The Rhodes Family vs. Damien Sandow & Fandango: MORE SUMMER RAE! Not much of a match. The Rhodes Family won and we all continue to wonder why they aren’t in the tag title match.
Rating (1-10): 6.0
Bray Wyatt vs. R Truth: The announcers were in “someone died” mode for this match, talking in a quiet voice about what Wyatt was doing and how Cena can combat it. Bray got the victory with Sister Abigail and then Xavier Woods got beat up after the match.
After the match, a man in a lamb mask appeared behind the Wyatt family as the lights went down and Bray posed. Cena took the mask off and hit the AA on Rowan. AWESOME! Honestly, that was absolutely fantastic. This has been the best built feud of Mania.
Rating (1-10): 6.0
Lumberjill Match: Naomi vs. AJ: The story here was that when AJ got tossed out, the Divas attacked and when Naomi got tossed outside, nothing happened. Naomi won with the butt bump. Crowd didn’t care. Vickie clapped at the top of the ramp.
Rating (1-10): 6.0
Roman Reigns vs. Kane: Reign won the fan vote with 80%. Kane got the early part of the match but Reigns battled back. When he was about to end things, the Outlaws came down but the Shields cut them off. Things turned into a brawl and a DQ. It was fine building up the match this weekend.
Rating (1-10): 6.0
Piper’s Pit: Roddy Piper talks about the Andre The Giant Battle Royal. The Miz comes out. He reminds everyone who forgot that he won the main event of Wrestlemania. Yes. That actually happened. Sheamus comes out and says he’s gonna win. Titus O’Neil comes out and says he’s gonna win. Then Dolph Ziggler. The four start fighting as the locker room clears. REY MYSTERIO RETURNS FOR THE 100TH TIME! The Big Show comes out and clears the ring. Predictable battle royal hype segment but at least they did something with the thing.
Rating (1-10): 6.0
No DQ: Batista vs. Randy Orton: Triple H and Stephanie join the commentary team. I’m allowed to mute the TV, right? They beat each other up at ringside, using chairs and kendo sticks and throwing each other into the barricade and table. They finally got into the ring and Orton got the advantage when Daniel Bryan came through the crowd and attacked Triple H before Orton broke it up. Spear on Orton by Batista, running knee by Bryan on Batista, suicide dive on Triple H followed by a kendo stick beating. Bryan stood tall to end the show. That’s usually bad news for the PPV.
Strong stuff to end the go home show. It’s been forever since Daniel Bryan wasn’t laid out to end the show, so this was nice to see. Hopefully WWE does the right thing at Wrestlemania.
Rating (1-10): 6.0
The Tirade
WWE did a lot of things with this show. Did a nice job building every single Mania match and it feels like everything peaked at the right time. There was some filler and one very questionable booking decision, but otherwise I enjoyed just about everything on the show. Now they just have to make good at Wrestlemania.Show Rating: 10.0
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As a reminder, I will be going by the 411 scale…
Â
0 – 0.9: Torture
1 – 1.9: Extremely Horrendous
2 – 2.9: Very Bad
3 – 3.9: Bad
4 – 4.9: Poor
5 – 5.9: Not So Good
6 – 6.9: Average
7 – 7.9: Good
8 – 8.9:Very Good
9 – 9.9: Amazing
10: Virtually PerfectThe final rating is not simply an average of the rated segments above. The rating takes them into account as well as the segments that are small but not scored, the flow of the show, the overall booking, build to PPV, crowd reactions, and so on and so forth.
Jeremy Lambert is the Jon Kitna of the Tremendous Tirade. He loves Taylor Swift and hopes one day she’ll write a song about him. He’s been Larry Csonka’s best friend since Valentine’s Day 2013 and Samer Kadi’s sworn enemy since October 3, 2013. He hopes to never grow up.
Your heart is free. Have the courage to follow it…TO CSONKA’S TWITTER!
FOLLOW ME TOO!
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